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AIBU?

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Original poster

DNA surprises!

311 replies

lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 15:46

So my DS is big on drawing up the family tree, which she has done very successfully back to the 1500s. She then decided to do a DNA match, and yep you guessed it, its opened a whole can of worms that wont go back in the can!
Her DNA did not match our DF (who is no longer with us) but did match DM. Before saying anything to DM she asked me if I would take a DNA test which I have and I don't match DF either. Now my parents were married 5 years before my DS was born and there is 3 years between us. The DNA shows we have the same parents but its not the DF my DM was married too!
My DS is all for confronting DM for an explanation, I'm not fussed one way or the other, it doesn't change who I am. For me DF will always be the one that brought me up.
However because DS doesn't live in the same country, if she does the confrontation I'm the one that has to sort out the aftermath as she wont be here. I understand she has a need to know.
Neither of us are close to DM emotionally but due to her age now she is quite dependent on me.
Thoughts oh wise ones?

OP posts:
NatashaBedwouldbenice · 15/02/2022 17:37

No. the match with this new cousin means one of her uncles has to be bio

What is the cM number such that you know she has to be a cousin??

Geneticsbunny · 15/02/2022 17:37

@lynfordthecrab how many uncles (possible bio dad's) are there? Just wondering if you could find out enough info for you sister then she might be happy to feel that she knows enough without confronting your mum.

StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream · 15/02/2022 17:37

Sounds like either your dad was adopted or your mum maybe couldn't get pregnant (5years is a long time to wait to have a baby after getting married unless there's some other explanation eg dad living away or something?) maybe someone "helped" I am guessing you are 30+ so I doubt sperm donation was a thing in the 80s? Either way I think you should know if your father isn't your father or half your family aren't blood relatives (if he's adopted) I'd need to know so I could find out who my dad was.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2022 17:39

What are you going to do? How will your mum take it if you tell her you know your dad isn’t your bio father?

PriamFarrl · 15/02/2022 17:39

[quote lynfordthecrab]@WonderfulYou my mum and dad had been married for over 5 years before my sister appeared and 8 before I did[/quote]
Hm.

How old are you? It was unusual back in the 60s/70s/80s for people to wait to start a family once married. That makes me think that it taking 5 years means that there may have been a fertility problem.

Leftbutcameback · 15/02/2022 17:39

Have you been in touch with the new cousin? Do they know what you know? And have they asked their father?

Talia99 · 15/02/2022 17:40

If your father was adopted, he could have had siblings that were either not adopted or adopted by someone else. If those siblings had children, that would give you the new cousin you didn’t know about whose uncle is your father. That uncle would be the man you always thought was your DF.

I assume you tested DF’s family not him so you don’t actually know he isn’t your biological father, just that his family are not your biological relations. The ‘break’ in biology could be between them and him not him and you and your DS.

Or am I missing something?

Getupoffthesofa · 15/02/2022 17:40

If your biological father is a sperm donor matched three years apart then you are very likely to have half siblings marching too )and the donor would be someone close to the doctor - so recallable to the office - or the doctor himself if you are older than forty years old). Do you have any of these links in the dna matches. Clues to your biological fathers identity will also lie on the family tree. There are websites that help decode this - if you (your sister) would like to know more DM and I’ll send you more info.

Original poster
lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 17:41

@PriamFarrl
correct. But if dad was adopted he would have to be an Uncle of the new cousin

OP posts:
PriamFarrl · 15/02/2022 17:42

@Getupoffthesofa

If your biological father is a sperm donor matched three years apart then you are very likely to have half siblings marching too )and the donor would be someone close to the doctor - so recallable to the office - or the doctor himself if you are older than forty years old). Do you have any of these links in the dna matches. Clues to your biological fathers identity will also lie on the family tree. There are websites that help decode this - if you (your sister) would like to know more DM and I’ll send you more info.
I would wonder if the donor was a family friend rather than a random fertility lab job.
Frightmare · 15/02/2022 17:43

A half aunt/uncle or half niece/nephew share around the same amount of CM as a first cousin, I think I would need more matches before approaching your mother.

stickygotstuck · 15/02/2022 17:44

OP, your sister is very likey barking up the wrong tree.

As other PPs suggest, going by an Ancentry DNA test is madness. Don't even think of 'accusing' your DM of anything on this alone.

This just matches you up to randoms on the internet who happen to have uploaded their DNA results. This is not a world database of Everybody.

FWIW, just doing the test and sending your DNA into the ether is also bonkers.

Also, it's highly unlikely your sister's tree is inaccurate (unless she is a qualified genealogist and/or has spent years and a lot of resources and money on serious, methodical research)

FantasticFebruary · 15/02/2022 17:44

OMG. it's posts like this that really make me realise how bad my brain fog is, a few years ago I'd have enjoyed working this out, now it's jusybWayyyyyyyy Too much for my brain to process!

I suggest anyone wanting to do their family tree/anything complicated does it as soon as possible. Brain Fog (for whatever reason really really sucks).

@lynfordthecrab. I think your sister needs to do, what she needs to do. If your mother has a problem with it, then that's between them & if she starts to take it out on you, explain she's the one that needs care & support (not you) so to 'behave' as none of this is your doing!!

Gizacluethen · 15/02/2022 17:44

You don't actually have your dad's DNA though do you? So it could be that your dad was adopted? Or switched by accident? Or didn't know his real dad?

It's hard because you don't have your dad's DNA do you don't know he's not your dad 100% just that who you thought was his family, isn't yours.

Thewindwhispers · 15/02/2022 17:48

You basically have two choices: try to find out the truth, or let it lie. If your sister is determined to find out the truth then you have little choice at all. I’d probably go with the flow / see what she does / moonup the mess afterwards as required.

I’d also explore the support groups for this scenario, maybe read this first.

www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2018/07/dna-test-misattributed-paternity/562928/

LightfoldEngines · 15/02/2022 17:49

My siblings did one of these last year. I declined to participate.

Because I know that their DF might not be my DF, our DM also isn’t aware that I know - she was having an affair with “DFs” brother for months before I was conceived and according to both DF and my Uncle, it really is a 50/50 shot.

I can’t be arsed with the drama. I don’t like my DM, my DF or his brother Grin

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2022 17:50

@lynfordthecrab

Sorry it would appear I have confused you all somewhat. The cousin we match with is NOT a relative we knew about. We match with my mothers side and this new found cousin. The new cousin is not a relative of my mothers. The DNA shows that one of the new cousins uncles have to be bio father, because she shows as first cousin to us. So our DM shows as DM and we have a 1st cousin that is not known to the family which implies one of the new cousins uncles is dad
New cousin is NOT a relative of your mother's. So therefore this cousin is a biological paternal relation.

Results show this is a FIRST cousin to you so their parent is a sibling of your father. But this cousin (and her family) are completely unknown to you (?), a 'third' family not linked to either your mother or your 'putative' father's family.

You and your sister are 'full' siblings. The 'unknown factor' is whether or not your father has a biological link to his family.

Have you contacted this cousin? Maybe they could help you shed some light on this as far as if she has an uncle (?) who was living in the same area as your parents.

I'm not really up to snuff on genetic genealogy but I'd say your options are: your father was adopted, your mother played around, IVF with same donor.

With three years between you, would it be likely that the same donor was available for IVF? And how likely is it that your mother either carried on a three year affair or had an affair and then re-kindled it three years later. My money is on your father having been adopted.

Peppapigforlife · 15/02/2022 17:52

I think if your dad wasn't your dad then you would very likely have half siblings pop up, which is 12.5 percent DNA match. A first cousin would be 6 percent DNA match.
I would contact anyone who you match with who aren't related to your DM and try to piece the puzzle together that way. You could also ask this cousin if she could persuade her uncles to upload their DNA so you would have answers that way.

whenwilliwillibefamous · 15/02/2022 17:54

OP was your Dad a good Dad? Did he love you and your DSis? If so then I would think he either thought you were his bio kids or he knew you were sperm donor babies and was ok with it or he was adopted/switched accidentally in the maternity unit and he is your bio Dad.
I'd have a chat with your Mum, start off with reassuring her that you had a happy childhood (*) and loved your Dad, and then ask if she knows if your DF was adopted. Her reaction will give you some clue as to which way the truth lies... Bear in mind - you can stop talking at any point.

I have a couple of friends who worked out who their bio dads were. Particularly as I get older I understand the desire to know how you fit into the world and where you came from.

Equally though I have elderly relatives who have proved unkeen to discuss certain family matters and I do accept I can't make them! So it's a fine line to walk and I wish you luck.

(*) Assuming you did!

OhFuckBloodyHell · 15/02/2022 17:54

[quote lynfordthecrab]@Theworldisquiethere No. the match with this new cousin means one of her uncles has to be bio. There is no way my "dad" can be bio[/quote]
Except, he can. If he was biologically the new cousins uncle, and then adopted by your paternal grandparents.

People did have a child, unmarried, have them adopted, (sometimes against their will) then went on to marry and have more, legitimate, kids that they kept.

Getoff · 15/02/2022 17:54

But if dad was adopted he would have to be an Uncle of the new cousin

Is there any reason to think he can't be?

OhFuckBloodyHell · 15/02/2022 17:56

[quote lynfordthecrab]@PriamFarrl
correct. But if dad was adopted he would have to be an Uncle of the new cousin[/quote]
Yes, exactly.

And that would cause that match - it's just as likely as the other explanation at the minute, given the facts you have.

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 15/02/2022 17:57

I don't understand why you won't disclose the cM of the actual match.

crazeelala2u · 15/02/2022 17:58

@lynfordthecrab

DNA was done through Ancestry, there are no DNA matches to anyone on the paternal side who have also uploaded DNA and should therefore be a match with us, percentage dependent on how close a relative obv. However there are loads on the maternal side. Even though we don’t have DF DNA we would still match with people in his family and we don’t. We have a first cousin on the maternal side which we both share and the DNA points to one of her 2 uncles on her dads side being our father.

“She” in the above post was referring to DM

What is the possibility your father was adopted? That would solve the issue of him being your father but you and your DS not 'matching' anyone on the paternal side.
AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2022 17:59

[quote lynfordthecrab]@PriamFarrl
correct. But if dad was adopted he would have to be an Uncle of the new cousin[/quote]
I'm adopted. I know that I have 3 maternal half-siblings. It's not impossible that I'd show up as 'some degree of' an 'aunt' to one of their children.

My cousin (also adopted) was 'found' by her bio family this way. Her daughter and her bio mother's granddaughter showed up as some kind of cousins.

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