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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DNA surprises!

311 replies

lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 15:46

So my DS is big on drawing up the family tree, which she has done very successfully back to the 1500s. She then decided to do a DNA match, and yep you guessed it, its opened a whole can of worms that wont go back in the can!
Her DNA did not match our DF (who is no longer with us) but did match DM. Before saying anything to DM she asked me if I would take a DNA test which I have and I don't match DF either. Now my parents were married 5 years before my DS was born and there is 3 years between us. The DNA shows we have the same parents but its not the DF my DM was married too!
My DS is all for confronting DM for an explanation, I'm not fussed one way or the other, it doesn't change who I am. For me DF will always be the one that brought me up.
However because DS doesn't live in the same country, if she does the confrontation I'm the one that has to sort out the aftermath as she wont be here. I understand she has a need to know.
Neither of us are close to DM emotionally but due to her age now she is quite dependent on me.
Thoughts oh wise ones?

OP posts:

tinderswindler · 16/02/2022 12:10

I've heard of vicars and doctors 'helping out' childless couples back then. Who knows, if he's not adopted your father could have know about donation or a 'helper' or maybe your mum had an arrangement on her own. Agree it's odd their were no natural children from the marriage of it was an actual affair.

blondiepigtails · 16/02/2022 12:11

If you use facebook, I would strongly suggest you put the DNA questions on one of the Ancestry DNA pages. There are masses of helpful people on there with lots more knowledge about DNA than I have . It's also really difficult to explain the complexities of test results on MN to people who haven't done a tree and DNA test. There will also be others who have experienced the same as you.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 16/02/2022 12:43

My sister did ask my mother last year when it first came to light and she muttered something about "what good is it bringing it up now?" and changed the subject so she knows something

Will you let your mother keep her secrets ? It might be something she's not proud of i.e. an affair, sexual assault etc (twice with the same person, yep, happens all the time.)

Your Dad might not have known that his kids weren't, 'his blood.' Your Mum might not want you to know that she lied to your Dad about his own kids.

If it turns out your Dad is actually your uncle, then, what next ?

Does your Mum have to spend the remaining years of her life feeling guilty and ashamed all over again ? Does she have to explain it to her own now adult kids ? Right to know ? Really ?

Does your Mum really have to admit she fraudulently said your Dad was your father and had no problem with it being recorded on your and your sibling/s birth certificates ?

How much heart breaking infertility and possible miscarriages did your Mum/your parents have to put up with. What sort of, 'private arrangement' did your Mum end up with because she was desperate to start a family ?

Checklist, have you seen:

Your parents' birth certificates
Your parents' marriage certificate, marital status of both parties as recorded there.
Your birth certificate, who is recorded as the father ?

Your sibling/s birth certificate, who is recorded as the father ?
Grand parents' marriage certificates which of course will record marital status of parties that got married.

Sorry to say this but don't be a stooge for your sister then have to live with the emotional fall out from your mother.

Do you want your birth certificate corrected ? Do you want a blank space where your Dad's name used to be ?

Upsetting, isn't it ?

Whatdramain2022 · 16/02/2022 13:30

@StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream

Sounds like either your dad was adopted or your mum maybe couldn't get pregnant (5years is a long time to wait to have a baby after getting married unless there's some other explanation eg dad living away or something?) maybe someone "helped" I am guessing you are 30+ so I doubt sperm donation was a thing in the 80s? Either way I think you should know if your father isn't your father or half your family aren't blood relatives (if he's adopted) I'd need to know so I could find out who my dad was.

Sperm donation was very much a thing in the 70s. I had an agreement with my ex that if he was infertile we would go for donation.

My mother's cousin was gay and she and her partner wanted a child. This was in the 40s. They had sperm donation. This was a friend.

Original poster

lynfordthecrab · 16/02/2022 14:29

OK - Ill bring some closure to this thread as we now have answers as my sister rang and asked my mum the direct question.
My mothers story is that my dad did not want children, she did. She had what was a mixture between a sperm donor and an affair to get the kids she wanted with the same man.
My dad went to his grave unaware that we weren't his.
The lady is indeed my first cousin as the DNA showed and my bio father as we suspected, is also dead.

She was apparently relieved to finally have got the secret out.

OP posts:

PearPickingPorky · 16/02/2022 14:34

@lynfordthecrab

OK - Ill bring some closure to this thread as we now have answers as my sister rang and asked my mum the direct question. My mothers story is that my dad did not want children, she did. She had what was a mixture between a sperm donor and an affair to get the kids she wanted with the same man. My dad went to his grave unaware that we weren't his. The lady is indeed my first cousin as the DNA showed and my bio father as we suspected, is also dead.

She was apparently relieved to finally have got the secret out.

Goodness. That's quite sad, OP.

How do you feel?

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 16/02/2022 14:34

She was apparently relieved to finally have got the secret out.

Thanks for the update, OP —I hope that your mother retains this perspective and that there won't be any future fallout for you to cope with.

AlDanvers · 16/02/2022 14:39

@lynfordthecrab

OK - Ill bring some closure to this thread as we now have answers as my sister rang and asked my mum the direct question. My mothers story is that my dad did not want children, she did. She had what was a mixture between a sperm donor and an affair to get the kids she wanted with the same man. My dad went to his grave unaware that we weren't his. The lady is indeed my first cousin as the DNA showed and my bio father as we suspected, is also dead.

She was apparently relieved to finally have got the secret out.

I hope you are all OK.

Its a bit odd, I can't work out how your dad not wanting kids works into it. They must have been having sex for him to believe you were his. So not sure why she needed to have an affair. But I imagine that you have more detail that you have shared here. Which I would totally understand.

I wish you all well and hope it works itself out.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 16/02/2022 14:42

The lady is indeed my first cousin as the DNA showed and my bio father as we suspected, is also dead.

Thanks. So, your bio Dad is/was your uncle ? Do we assume he also went to his grave not knowing about his other children ? That's you and sib/s.

mamaoffourdc · 16/02/2022 14:45

@ToffeeNotCoffee

The lady is indeed my first cousin as the DNA showed and my bio father as we suspected, is also dead.

Thanks. So, your bio Dad is/was your uncle ? Do we assume he also went to his grave not knowing about his other children ? That's you and sib/s.

Nothing to do with the dad 🙄

Original poster

lynfordthecrab · 16/02/2022 14:45

@ToffeeNotCoffee no my Bio dad was not my uncle.
I don't know if he knew that we were his or not

OP posts:

Original poster

lynfordthecrab · 16/02/2022 14:46

@AlDanvers
I thought the same and I'm sure more of the story will come out over the coming weeks!

OP posts:

Cheekypeach · 16/02/2022 14:49

Wow what a story. I hope you’re okay OP. I agree your mum’s story is a little odd, for your dad to believe you were his biological children they must have been having marital relations (will put it nicely as it’s your parents!). So why the need for the affair? Could it be that he was infertile (but didn’t know or want to investigate this), so your mum decided to test the waters with another man and became pregnant? If that makes sense? I wish you well anyway!

haismfh · 16/02/2022 15:05

Your mother's story does not entirely make sense.
The only way your Dad could have been unaware that you weren't his was if they were having sex. If they hadn't been and she became pregnant then it would be obvious you weren't his.
So they must have been having sex. In which case, why the need for an affair partner/sperm donor? Unless Dad was infertile or was using contraception because he didn't want kids. In which case, he must have known you weren't his.

WheresYourSnickers · 16/02/2022 15:28

So you have shared the answer to satisfy the nosey ones on this thread.
I can imagine this is hard for all of you to deal with, so don't feel bad about not coming back with all the gory details.
I hope you, your sis & your mum are all OK -

AlDanvers · 16/02/2022 15:49

[quote lynfordthecrab]@AlDanvers
I thought the same and I'm sure more of the story will come out over the coming weeks![/quote]
Well, whatever happens I wish you all the best.

How are you feeling about it all? Obviously, only if you feel comfortable to answer.

HappyintheHills · 16/02/2022 16:15

Perhaps dad was using pullout method for contraception and accepted it hadn’t worked?

ThreeRingCircus · 16/02/2022 16:26

I wish you all the best OP, so you can tell who your biological father is? Sorry am a bit unclear on that point.

AgathaX · 16/02/2022 17:07

I'm glad you've got some kind of answer from your Mum. I hope you are all ok with this, and maybe in time get some more answers from your Mum.

SnakeLinguine · 16/02/2022 17:12

@lynfordthecrab

OK - Ill bring some closure to this thread as we now have answers as my sister rang and asked my mum the direct question. My mothers story is that my dad did not want children, she did. She had what was a mixture between a sperm donor and an affair to get the kids she wanted with the same man. My dad went to his grave unaware that we weren't his. The lady is indeed my first cousin as the DNA showed and my bio father as we suspected, is also dead.

She was apparently relieved to finally have got the secret out.

OP, obviously you're under no obligation to respond further to this, but I can't help thinking that your father not wanting children is a deeply odd 'explanation' for this. Because it presumably wasn't that your father didn't want to conceive children when someone says they don't want children, it tends to mean they are not interested in raising children. And regardless of who conceived them, your father ended up bringing up two children. And you say he didn't know you weren't his, so presumably he did have a sexual relationship with your mother did he believe you were both contraceptive failures?

If your mother was determined to have children with a man who didn't want any, wouldn't it have been easier for her to just have pretend contraceptive failures, rather than an affair?

That your father didn't want children, so your mother conceived via an affair, doesn't make sense as an explanation to me.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/02/2022 17:42

@HappyintheHills

Perhaps dad was using pullout method for contraception and accepted it hadn’t worked?

I assume this is the most likely case too.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 16/02/2022 18:18

So you have shared the answer to satisfy the nosey ones on this thread.
I can imagine this is hard for all of you to deal with, so don't feel bad about not coming back with all the gory details.

Yeah, you're right. I mean why read 12 pages before responding

Have a

Original poster

lynfordthecrab · 16/02/2022 18:38

@SnakeLinguine exactly what you have said. There are huge holes in her explanation so far. And he is obviously not here to shed any light.

She must have been having sex with my dad to pass us off as his so why did she need the "other man"?
Saying that they had been married 5 years before my sister came along so maybe he was infertile.

Whatever the reason it was a pretty shitty thing for her to do.
But it is what it is!

Im sure there are going to be a lot of things we never get answers to.

OP posts:

SnakeLinguine · 16/02/2022 18:39

[quote lynfordthecrab]@SnakeLinguine exactly what you have said. There are huge holes in her explanation so far. And he is obviously not here to shed any light.

She must have been having sex with my dad to pass us off as his so why did she need the "other man"?
Saying that they had been married 5 years before my sister came along so maybe he was infertile.

Whatever the reason it was a pretty shitty thing for her to do.
But it is what it is!

Im sure there are going to be a lot of things we never get answers to.[/quote]
Indeed. Best wishes to you, OP. It’s a lot to take in.

Chocolateis1ofyour5aday · 16/02/2022 18:42

I hope you and your sister are OK OP

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