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Original poster

DNA surprises!

311 replies

lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 15:46

So my DS is big on drawing up the family tree, which she has done very successfully back to the 1500s. She then decided to do a DNA match, and yep you guessed it, its opened a whole can of worms that wont go back in the can!
Her DNA did not match our DF (who is no longer with us) but did match DM. Before saying anything to DM she asked me if I would take a DNA test which I have and I don't match DF either. Now my parents were married 5 years before my DS was born and there is 3 years between us. The DNA shows we have the same parents but its not the DF my DM was married too!
My DS is all for confronting DM for an explanation, I'm not fussed one way or the other, it doesn't change who I am. For me DF will always be the one that brought me up.
However because DS doesn't live in the same country, if she does the confrontation I'm the one that has to sort out the aftermath as she wont be here. I understand she has a need to know.
Neither of us are close to DM emotionally but due to her age now she is quite dependent on me.
Thoughts oh wise ones?

OP posts:
StellaEllaIsabella · 15/02/2022 18:00

Without your father's DNA, you don't know whether he is your father or not. The discrepancy could be one generation further back i.e. he was not the son of the man he thought was his father.

BestKnitterInScotland · 15/02/2022 18:00

@Gizacluethen

You don't actually have your dad's DNA though do you? So it could be that your dad was adopted? Or switched by accident? Or didn't know his real dad?

It's hard because you don't have your dad's DNA do you don't know he's not your dad 100% just that who you thought was his family, isn't yours.

Exactly this!

I have Ancestry DNA tested. So has DH. We both have very few, very distant matches. Most of those matches haven't built a tree on Ancestry so it's impossible to know what side of the tree they fit into.

Your dad may very well be your biological Dad. But there might be something in HIS parentage or his grandparents parentage which is off. Or it might just be nobody on his line has tested.

If your sister has a Genealogy degree leave it to her. She should have a much clearer understanding of possibilities and know how to use things like the Shared Centimorgan project on DNA Painter. By all means express your desire that she does not confront your mother with half the story, encourage her to look deeper into the figures and matches first.

Soontobe60 · 15/02/2022 18:01

A bit off topic, but I wonder what will happen in the future when children born through surrogacy do their DNA check? Or those born to a transman? ‘Hang on dad, it says here you’re my Mum!!!’

CornishGem1975 · 15/02/2022 18:01

Oh it's hard isn't it. I'd be like your DSis though and I'd want to know the truth.

RonCarlos · 15/02/2022 18:02

I like looking at Ancestry records but I couldn't be doing with any of this DNA stuff.

Peppapigforlife · 15/02/2022 18:03

Hey @lynfordthecrab I've just rembered that when you do an ancestry website, you can download your DNA file for free and upload it to some of the other DNA websites for free, to find matches who may have used those companies instead. Some of them charge a fee but a lot of them are free. For example my cousin used ancestry and found out that my adopted grandma had half siblings she didn't know about, and then I used 23andme and found a cousin of my grandad's who had always wondered where my grandad's family were.
You might find more paternal matches on other websites (you'd need to upload your mum's as well for clarity) which could help with answers.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/02/2022 18:05

@GladysAndFred

So my DS is big on drawing up the family tree, which she has done very successfully back to the 1500s.

She probably wasted so much time tracing her "father's" line 😆

Not necessarily a waste of time if you believe in nurture as well as nature.
Peppapigforlife · 15/02/2022 18:05

@Soontobe60

A bit off topic, but I wonder what will happen in the future when children born through surrogacy do their DNA check? Or those born to a transman? ‘Hang on dad, it says here you’re my Mum!!!’
@soontobe60 😂😂😂😂😂 don't say it too loudly, the progressives might march outside the DNA labs for change.
caranations · 15/02/2022 18:05

[quote lynfordthecrab]@caranations she's done a degree in genealogy, its taken her years. she knows what she's doing. But thats not relevent to a DNA match anyway[/quote]
I know it's not.

But 99% of people who say they have researched their trees back that far don't know what they are doing, so I mentioned it for that reason.

Skeam · 15/02/2022 18:07

@Soontobe60

A bit off topic, but I wonder what will happen in the future when children born through surrogacy do their DNA check? Or those born to a transman? ‘Hang on dad, it says here you’re my Mum!!!’
I think it's highly unlikely that children born in those circumstances will grow up without knowledge of their biological origins/the fact their mother began to live as a man.
Mummapenguin20 · 15/02/2022 18:08

The can of worms is what puts me off doing this

Justkeeppedaling · 15/02/2022 18:08

Does either of you look like the man you thought was your father?

Original poster
lynfordthecrab · 15/02/2022 18:09

@AcrossthePond55 you are correct and have worded it much better than I can.
definitely not IVF that was relitively new and very very expensive way back then, would not have been an option

OP posts:
Bettyboopawoop · 15/02/2022 18:10

I was talking to my partner about this a few nights ago with all this ancestry business there will be a lot of skeletons coming out of clsusirs.

Bettyboopawoop · 15/02/2022 18:10

Clausits

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 15/02/2022 18:10

Hey @lynfordthecrab I've just rembered that when you do an ancestry website, you can download your DNA file for free and upload it to some of the other DNA websites for free, to find matches who may have used those companies instead.

There are ethical considerations first though. These sites are used by crime enforcement to solve crimes, and some jurisdictions have the death penalty.

Lunde · 15/02/2022 18:12

[quote lynfordthecrab]@Crucible we did consider this but very unlikely given the years we were born, how accessible it was then and the same father 3 years apart[/quote]
I don't know how old you are but a friend of mine who went the donor insemination route has 3 adult children, born several years apart, from the same donor. The clinic asked if they wanted to retain samples from that donor for subsequent attempts, The children are full biological siblings but not their dad's who was infertile.

My friend has always told her children about their origins - but many did not

Dreamscomingtrue · 15/02/2022 18:15

I’ve researched my Mum’s family back through her Dad’s family tree back to 1600 in Devon, there’s a cottage that he was born in there and still standing amazingly. Also a female living in London around 1660 from the same family tree, so it is possible to go back that far which just your parents DNA. It’s amazing to me that both of these ancestors were around to witness the plague & the Great fire of London.
And the Devon ancestor & his wife both lived until their 80’s which I found amazing as well when the death rate was so young at that time.
I’d love to know what diet they ate and I’m guessing they were probably farmers or Inn keepers as their cottage was near to the village public house!

BestKnitterInScotland · 15/02/2022 18:15

WHAT IS THE cM MATCH?????

Sorry for shouting but it's REALLY IMPORTANT. A first cousin can share anything between 396 cM and 1397 cM of DNA with you.

1200 - so within that cousin possibility range, could also be a half sibling. Or a half aunt/uncle.

500 - again within that range, could be a half cousin, a first cousin once removed, a great niece/nephew.

DNA Is complex and you really don't understand what you're doing OP. There are lots of possibilities and "mum had an affair" is just one of dozens.

Flaxmeadow · 15/02/2022 18:18

But 99% of people who say they have researched their trees back that far don't know what they are doing...

True and also if a tree is wrong, and many are, then a DNA match can be very misleading.

Also trees are repeatedly copied without being checked, this makes others assume that everyone agrees the tree is correct.

There are multiple trees on ancestry that have an ancestor of mine with completely the wrong town of birth, parents and burial. Anyone looking up this same ancestor sees copy after copy of this original wrong tree. He was infact born 50 miles away, to different parents and is buried in England (not wrongly the USA)

Zolla · 15/02/2022 18:19

@BestKnitterInScotland - OP has literally said her sister has a degree in geneology.. she clearly does know what’s she doing.

CharlotteRose90 · 15/02/2022 18:19

I’m going with the your dad being adopted route. One child from an affair you can get away with but 2 no I don’t think so . I think your mum would have tried you not going down that if she was hiding something. I get your sister wants answers but rather then asking on a forum she should be asking your mum and the rest of your family.

BestKnitterInScotland · 15/02/2022 18:20

Yes the sister does. OP doesn't though and is leaping to her own conclusions.

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 15/02/2022 18:21

DNA Is complex and you really don't understand what you're doing OP. There are lots of possibilities and "mum had an affair" is just one of dozens.

Yes, this reads a bit like research for a novel.

WonderfulYou · 15/02/2022 18:23

How old are you? It was unusual back in the 60s/70s/80s for people to wait to start a family once married. That makes me think that it taking 5 years means that there may have been a fertility problem.

This is very true!

Are you 100% sure that’s when they got married?

I recently found out my mum got married years after she told us. I’m not really sure of the reason she lied as it had no effect on us.

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