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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strippers

280 replies

blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 12:23

Hey,

What's everyone's opinions on their OHs going to strip clubs?

For those who aren't bothered by it, what's your reasons for this?

Trying to settle my anxiety around DH who is currently getting ready to go away abroad on his brothers stag do.

We have had a discussion prior to him going and both seemed to be on the same page and that he would sit out if the group were planning on going to a club however I'd hate for him to be left out if it's a case of me overreacting!

For me I don't see it as any different from a work colleague stripping naked in front of him so why would it be okay just because money is handed over but again I do have low self esteem. I also hate the thought of potential trafficking and not knowing if the girls are happy to be doing this job. DH has always said that he finds clubs sleezy and not for him, he says that he would not find them arousing in the slightest however I worry he only feels this way as he would hate to upset me.

I know I need to trust his word and I have no reason to doubt him yet but would be interested in hearing other peoples opinions.

OP posts:
pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 15/02/2022 12:29

Ah, sorry, was going to say you need a well-ventilated area, face mask, heavy duty rubber gloves and goggles...

Although, maybe he should have too. Shock

EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn · 15/02/2022 12:32

Plenty of views on here. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4480930-vegas-and-strippers

20viona · 15/02/2022 12:35

Couldn't care less as long as he doesn't spend tons of money!

heathspeedwell · 15/02/2022 12:36

I think you are being entirely reasonable. Men going to see strippers on stags etc just normalises abusive behaviour where men collude in treating women badly and then lying to their partners about it.

All the 'blokey' joking about 'what happens in x stays in x etc' just sets them up to continue to cover for each other if one of them has an affair or one night stand.

Even worse, as you rightly point out, they have no idea if these women are trafficked or drug addicted etc.

My partner has been to a few events and now refuses point blank to go because he is fed up with having to lie to the wives and girlfriends of his mates who are being kept in the dark about what really goes on.

Although the stated general rule in clubs is 'no touching', that refers to the men not being allowed to grope the strippers. But if the men pay for a private dance, then the stripper can touch the man, grind against him etc. Then there are often instances of the strippers asking the men if they want them to go back to their hotel etc.

It's far more seedy than most men let on, and although you'll always find the odd individual who claims it's 'empowering', the sad fact is that vulnerable women are being exploited and the whole industry reinforces really negative attitudes that affect all women and girls.

DropYourSword · 15/02/2022 12:36

For those who aren't bothered by it, what's your reasons for this?

I'm just...not. I don't really have a reason to be bothered by it. I trust my DH. He's not a weird or creepy sex pest. I don't think he's really at all bothered about going to stripe clubs, he's probably only ever been a couple of times with stag do's. I definitely don't think he finds it a turn on at all. I probably would be way more bothered if he was listing after naked women. But, he isn't.
So I guess I just see it as not really much more than him watching a film with nudity in. That doesn't bother me, so why would a stop club.

But, anyone who isn't absolutely aghast at the thought of their DH going to a strip club is labelled as some sort of weird try hard "cool wife" here on MN. Hmm

T00Ts · 15/02/2022 12:38

Nothing you read on this thread will make you feel better. Brace yourself.

Bonheurdupasse · 15/02/2022 12:38

@20viona

Couldn't care less as long as he doesn't spend tons of money!
This
T00Ts · 15/02/2022 12:40

Although so far, the replies are funny 😆

I’m not bothered about them. Never have been. I’ve been to a few myself and they’re just sort of sad. But not the girls, the men. It’s mainly just a late-opening bar with some girls in underwear. It just doesn’t bother me but I think that’s a natural state, I don’t think, if you’re instinctively someone who aligns it with cheating, that you can ever learn to be unbothered.

Moody123 · 15/02/2022 12:42

I'm not really too fussed to be fair ... I know he isn't going to sleep with them, so I personally wouldn't worried

Original poster
blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 12:42

[quote EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn]Plenty of views on here. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4480930-vegas-and-strippers[/quote]
Thank you - I'll go have a look!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2022 12:43

It’s normalising exploitation of women often in awful circumstances.
Dh wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t respect a man who did. It’s a red line for me.

Original poster
blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 12:44

@20viona

Couldn't care less as long as he doesn't spend tons of money!
If this was DH cuppa tea I can be sure that he wouldn't be one for spending lol
OP posts:
AngelicInnocent · 15/02/2022 12:46

Not really bothered about guys going on a stag do, it seems a bit naff and childish but so what. I guess I view it like a girls hen night at the chippendales. Private rooms, dances etc are a hard no though, that's a step further and more akin to cheating.

Guys going there at other times seem pretty sad and creepy to me

Original poster
blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 12:47

@heathspeedwell

I think you are being entirely reasonable. Men going to see strippers on stags etc just normalises abusive behaviour where men collude in treating women badly and then lying to their partners about it.

All the 'blokey' joking about 'what happens in x stays in x etc' just sets them up to continue to cover for each other if one of them has an affair or one night stand.

Even worse, as you rightly point out, they have no idea if these women are trafficked or drug addicted etc.

My partner has been to a few events and now refuses point blank to go because he is fed up with having to lie to the wives and girlfriends of his mates who are being kept in the dark about what really goes on.

Although the stated general rule in clubs is 'no touching', that refers to the men not being allowed to grope the strippers. But if the men pay for a private dance, then the stripper can touch the man, grind against him etc. Then there are often instances of the strippers asking the men if they want them to go back to their hotel etc.

It's far more seedy than most men let on, and although you'll always find the odd individual who claims it's 'empowering', the sad fact is that vulnerable women are being exploited and the whole industry reinforces really negative attitudes that affect all women and girls.

Insecurity aside, I just can't settle with the thought of DH partaking in what might be women who are there due to trafficking etc. I just can't imagine things being the same between us if he could allow himself to get his "kicks" without knowing if the women are safe or not if that makes sense?

Both myself and DH have heard from a few of his friends what goes on in there and are both shocked if I'm being honest, I don't see how a lap dance isn't cheating! Each to their own I suppose.

DH is similar to yours in the sense of he would hate to be lying to the partners of his friends so would rather not be part of it.

OP posts:
Latara · 15/02/2022 12:50

I don't know, I was at a hen party with a male stripper and the stripper seemed to have more fun than the hen, who is actually a very strictly Catholic Filipina.
The male stripper was a real exhibitionist & posed for photos with everyone after too.

So if I had a partner who wanted to see a female stripper I would probably have to let him go or I would be hypocritical... however it would depend on the venue.

Eg one venue in town is notorious for being run by a local gangster and bringing in drug addicted girls from Russia and getting them to do more than just strip.

Very different type of stripper to the confident man I saw at the hen party.

Original poster
blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 12:52

@DropYourSword

For those who aren't bothered by it, what's your reasons for this?

I'm just...not. I don't really have a reason to be bothered by it. I trust my DH. He's not a weird or creepy sex pest. I don't think he's really at all bothered about going to stripe clubs, he's probably only ever been a couple of times with stag do's. I definitely don't think he finds it a turn on at all. I probably would be way more bothered if he was listing after naked women. But, he isn't.
So I guess I just see it as not really much more than him watching a film with nudity in. That doesn't bother me, so why would a stop club.

But, anyone who isn't absolutely aghast at the thought of their DH going to a strip club is labelled as some sort of weird try hard "cool wife" here on MN. Hmm

I completely appreciate your opinion on the matter and in no way think you're trying to be a "cool wife" etc, I'm just interested in peoples views who are the opposite to mine as I'd hate to feel like I'm being "too sensitive".

Trafficking issues aside, I've said to DH previously that I might not have had an issue with strip clubs if we hadn't only been with each other as I'd view the sexual nature of it differently.

If your DH had found these places arousing and didn't just go as part of the group for a laugh would your opinion be different? Are you secure with him going as you know he doesn't get any enjoyment from it? I hope that doesn't sound cheeky that's not my intention I'm just wondering as my DH has said he doesn't find them sexy so wonder if I'm overreacting with my feelings. I'm just struggling to see how it's different from him being at a house party with friends and having his female friends dancing in front of him naked?

I'm not bothered with nudity on tv or porn (aside from the ethics of it) but the aspect of it being right in front of him and being real seems to make it different for me.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2022 12:52

I wouldn’t be going to anything with a male stripper either.

Original poster
blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 12:52

@T00Ts

Nothing you read on this thread will make you feel better. Brace yourself.
It's okay I can handle it. I can appreciate the views/opinions for both sides of the argument. Tbh I'm just trying to be more liberal in my thinking and sometimes listening to what others say can ease my anxiety whether it's good or bad!
OP posts:
heathspeedwell · 15/02/2022 12:53

My DH was on a stag with eleven other men a few years ago. Out of the twelve, three refused to go to the strip club and nine went. Of those, six had private dances and two invited two women back to their hotel for sex.

My DH went to the club but didn't have private dances and was sharing a room with the stag so neither of them invited a stripper back to the hotel.

But it was uncomfortable for me being at the wedding three weeks later drinking champagne with women when I knew that their husbands had slept with prostitutes and they were blissfully unaware.

I don't want to be any part of a culture that treats women so badly.

Original poster
blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 12:53

@T00Ts

Although so far, the replies are funny 😆

I’m not bothered about them. Never have been. I’ve been to a few myself and they’re just sort of sad. But not the girls, the men. It’s mainly just a late-opening bar with some girls in underwear. It just doesn’t bother me but I think that’s a natural state, I don’t think, if you’re instinctively someone who aligns it with cheating, that you can ever learn to be unbothered.

That's what I imagine the men are like - sad and pathetic - and hate the thought of DH being viewed in that way (another reason why I hate the thought of him going)
OP posts:
Original poster
blackangel9 · 15/02/2022 12:54

@Moody123

I'm not really too fussed to be fair ... I know he isn't going to sleep with them, so I personally wouldn't worried
I know DH wouldn't sleep with them either it's just the uneasy feeling of him paying to potentially be aroused by someone else.
OP posts:
LaBellina · 15/02/2022 12:54

I think very few women work in the sex industry that aren’t being exploited and that haven’t been abused as a child. Women’s bodies are not a commodity. I have a very low opinion of men who think they are entitled to women’s bodies because they pay for it.

Nos3y · 15/02/2022 12:57

As long as there is no private dances I'm not bothered. He knows it's unrealistic. Also if you said no he'd go anyway...if he's on a stag he isn't going to wait outside while everyone else goes in.

GrumpyTerrier · 15/02/2022 12:59

Generally as a thing I don't think they are that good- not for the men in them or for the way we view women. I've had friends work in them and say it was fine, they enjoyed it and they definitely did. They were also pretty upfront about the drugs and sexual favours that go on in the vip rooms though, but people have differing views about that.

However some of the same friends would then say how they were digitally r*ped or how they got pushed against a wall and threatened, called 'embarrassing', derogatory comments etc. They seemed to brush it off as being the guy's issue but it bothered me that so many guys felt it was ok to go there and treat women like that.

I woudn't really mind if DH went as a one off on a stag do, even if he got a dance. He loves me, fancies me, no doubt. Getting a bit titilated by a dancer wouldn't change that. I wouldn't be happy if it was a regular event as that would suggest he was looking for something other than a one off bit of silly fun.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 15/02/2022 13:00

@Latara

I don't know, I was at a hen party with a male stripper and the stripper seemed to have more fun than the hen, who is actually a very strictly Catholic Filipina. The male stripper was a real exhibitionist & posed for photos with everyone after too.

So if I had a partner who wanted to see a female stripper I would probably have to let him go or I would be hypocritical... however it would depend on the venue.

Eg one venue in town is notorious for being run by a local gangster and bringing in drug addicted girls from Russia and getting them to do more than just strip.

Very different type of stripper to the confident man I saw at the hen party.

Male strippers/sex workers often aren't exploited in the same way women are. Rich/abusive women don't force men into sex work but it happens a lot the other way round.