Strippers

[blackangel9]

Hey,

What's everyone's opinions on their OHs going to strip clubs?

For those who aren't bothered by it, what's your reasons for this?

Trying to settle my anxiety around DH who is currently getting ready to go away abroad on his brothers stag do.

We have had a discussion prior to him going and both seemed to be on the same page and that he would sit out if the group were planning on going to a club however I'd hate for him to be left out if it's a case of me overreacting!

For me I don't see it as any different from a work colleague stripping naked in front of him so why would it be okay just because money is handed over but again I do have low self esteem. I also hate the thought of potential trafficking and not knowing if the girls are happy to be doing this job. DH has always said that he finds clubs sleezy and not for him, he says that he would not find them arousing in the slightest however I worry he only feels this way as he would hate to upset me.

I know I need to trust his word and I have no reason to doubt him yet but would be interested in hearing other peoples opinions.

Ex-Stripper here. I wouldn't have an issue with him going to a strip club, but would have an issue with him having a private dance.

@DropYourSword

For those who aren't bothered by it, what's your reasons for this?

I'm just...not. I don't really have a reason to be bothered by it. I trust my DH. He's not a weird or creepy sex pest. I don't think he's really at all bothered about going to stripe clubs, he's probably only ever been a couple of times with stag do's. I definitely don't think he finds it a turn on at all. I probably would be way more bothered if he was listing after naked women. But, he isn't.
So I guess I just see it as not really much more than him watching a film with nudity in. That doesn't bother me, so why would a stop club.

But, anyone who isn't absolutely aghast at the thought of their DH going to a strip club is labelled as some sort of weird try hard "cool wife" here on MN.

Of course he's turned on by it. Are you mad?

@OhItsSpicyy

the type of men that attend such places you'd still be happy with your OH going?

I’m also not sure what you mean by this. There is no type of men. Most of the men I saw were just normal men.

I probably worded it completely wrong - reading it back I can see how bad it sounded!

What I meant by that was most women describe men that attend such places as "creeps" "Pervy" etc, in know way am I saying that the men are these things but I'd hate for DH to be labelled this way for attending as I know that's the last thing he is.

@Agrudge definitely not hiding behind the trafficking aspect, I've openly admitted that my other reasons for not liking the thought of DH going to a strip club is my jealousy/insecurity of him being surrounded by beautiful NAKED women

I would personally find it very entertaining to see my dp in a strip club. The look on his face when a woman rubbed up against him, asking if he wanted to go home with her at the pub a few years ago is one of the highlights of my life. He looked terrified, kept trying to get me to help him. Me and my mate just watched laughing from the side.

But he would never go to one and I would never go to one so I guess that will forever be a potential laugh in my head, imagining his little face being approached by all those women wanting to get him to pay gor a dance.

@Xztop see I'm very secure in our marriage and jealousy doesn't often rear its head but there's just something about strip clubs I can't deal with. Not bothered by porn, happy with our sex life, both have friends of the opposite sex etc so I'm not sure why I feel so insecure with this aspect.

I will say though, I have seen some bloody amazing pole dancers in clubs in Newcastle. Looks like great fun in the right setting!

@Colderthanever

As long as it’s a reputable club then all good with me. The women are earning well and treated well. I really can’t get how you think it’s the same as his colleague getting her kecks off. What an unusual thought.

I have no issue with my partner seeing naked women. I just expect him to ensure it’s a reputable establishment and behave with decency when there

Howver on saying that, I mean for a stag do. I’d certainly not like it if he was going every weekend and would think he was a right perv.

I personally don't think it's an usual thought as it's the same concept - a naked women dancing on DH - the only difference is money is handed over. I can appreciate that you don't feel the same way.

I think it's great though that you are secure within yourself that it doesn't bother you! Trafficking aside, another main issue for me is jealousy.

Interesting. I wouldn't like it if DH went to one, but I'm totally against the porn industry (for a multitude of reasons) and I feel as though strip clubs are under the same umbrella....

DH said he would hate the thought of me fantasising and/or gawking at another man, and I feel the same. I know some couples are different though.

Every couple is different, nobody on MN has the right to tell you how you should feel about this. I know most of my girlfriends would hate it so you're not alone. I'd talk to your partner and tell him how you feel, and as your partner he should respect that and avoid going to one of thats on the agenda.

@TicTacHoh

Not bothered. Worked in financial services a long time and have ended up in there myself on nights out with clients when it's the only place left serving drinks. What I've learned is that all men go, and the ones who say, no dear, I'm not interested, it's degrading, are the worst.

Maybe from your experience but I genuinely believe DH when he says he's left the crowd when they've gone to a club. We've got an open and honest policy in our marriage so I don't see why he'd need to lie. There's been other (non related) things in the past where it would have been easier for him to hide the truth but he never did as it's just not the way we work.

@Colderthanever

I also have to add op if my husband went on a stag do and said one of the men wasn’t allowed to go to the strip club, I’d feel very sorry for both him and his wife, for her to be so very jealous and insecure and for him to have to deal with it to appease her.

We all know though he will say he sat it out, his mates will say he sat it out, but he will go. One hundred percent he will go.

I’d also ageee with the pp who said some posters are hiding behind the trafficked woman thing. We all know there is very reputable clubs out there, where rhe women do the role through choice, and are paid well and the men can’t touch them.

So Just own it, you don’t want them seeing attractive naked women in the flesh in case he fancies rhem more or compares rhem to you.

I've never once said DH "isn't allowed" he's free to make his own decisions all I can do it communicate with him how I feel. DH is in complete agreeance with me and has the same values in this regard. He's told his friends/brother prior to the trip his stand on it and hasn't even mentioned me!

I believe there are friend groups out there that are like this but I believe DH when he says he didn't go, there's no reason for him to lie as I've never said he couldn't go.

I've never hidden the fact I feel insecure/jealous and in no way do I worry he will fancy them more than me, I just hate the thought of him paying to get his kicks out of a naked women who isn't his wife!

[quote blackangel9]@Agrudge definitely not hiding behind the trafficking aspect, I've openly admitted that my other reasons for not liking the thought of DH going to a strip club is my jealousy/insecurity of him being surrounded by beautiful NAKED women [/quote]
That was directed a you. It was a general statement.

@Cognoscenti

Ah the insecurity argument. I'm glad my partner doesn't hang around with guys who would encourage each other to behave in such a way. I don't care if my partner would find them attractive, repulsive or whatever. He has cancelled a night out with an old friendship group because there has been talk of going to a strip club, I didn't realise that's why he'd cancelled until I asked why he was no longer going, so I suppose we have the same values.

It's lovely to hear that your DH shares the same view as yours.

@MostTacticalNameChange

It might not be entirely faux, but I imagine for the most part, posters are actually just really insecure about the idea of their partners looking at other women, and try to save face by labelling their main concern as being the welfare of the women.

So what if some of it is insecurity? It is ridiculous to expect your partner to never look at/think about other women etc. Attraction is involuntary and if it's kept discreet (or discussed depending on the type of relationship you have!) there's no issue.

But to put money and effort into deliberately watching women (who are screened to be conventionally attractive) get naked and act seductive/as if they fancy you, possibly grind on you, spread labia etc? I don't see what is insecure about that...it is blatant disrespect if you are in a monogamous relationship. If you are ok with it, your bar for a partner is so low.

That's of course beside all the objectification, misogyny, links to crime, health and safety of the women. Which is actively stopping the world getting better for WaGs and the concern i have about that is very much not faux.

Amen to everything you've said!!

[quote LuckyAmy1986]**@Cognoscenti* @blackangel9* ah so he because you neeeed the food and clothes grown by kids who are forced to produce them for you, you can just block that bit out. Because there’s an item in between yourselves and said child slave right? You don’t really have to face it?[/quote]
I can appreciate your argument but I just can't agree. A man paying for his sexual satisfaction by a women potentially fearing for her life just feels different.

@Chestofdraws I don't think it's true for every situation, I know of a few friendship groups where this definitely isn't the case.

@OhItsSpicyy

I really don’t think this is true at all, except in the young and immature / those who are sexually inexperienced

I don’t think it’s just the young ones. Of the men who would often tell me that their partners would kill them if they knew where they were/ asked me to dance away from them so they didn’t smell like my perfume, the majority I would say were middle aged.

There's no way I'd go through all that effort if I didn't think I was doing anything wrong...

@TomAllenWife

It doesn't bother me. DP takes clients and will sometimes go if he's being taken out as a client. He will always say if that's where he ends up

I trust him not to run off into the sunset with a lap dancer

I've been to strip clubs, it really doesn't bother me if he goes

I just don't understand how women could be happy with this being an every day event? Stag dos are one thing but actually going for work etc is another level.

Each to their own but I personally couldn't stay with DH if he done this, we have young daughters together and I'd hate to think that he was the type of man to regularly be learing over young women and paying them to take their clothes off!

@OhItsSpicyy

Also the men who were worried about making card transactions because they were concerned about what would show on their bank statements were almost always men in their 40s and above. Presumably because the younger ones didn’t share finances yet.

Clearly they know they aren't being respectful to their partner if they have to go to these lengths to hide it

@Wishihadanalgorithm

Honest response: I would be aghast that a man I was in a relationship with wanted to watch naked women gyrate in front of them or even have a private dance with all that it entails.

I wouldn’t want my partner to be sexually turned on by it, to waste money on a strip club or be a sleazy perv.

Other men can do it - just not one who comes home to me.

On one level I don’t like the thought of why women are doing this and would hate my daughter to end up stripping. But on a more personal level I don’t want to be with a man who thinks going to a strip joint is fine.

I appreciate many women are fine with strip clubs but I’m not one of them.

My views are similar to yours.

@fruitbrewhaha

I would ask "would your DH be happy if one of your DDs worked in a strip club, or if you did? How would he feel if your DS met a girl and this was her job? Would you be happy if one of your friends worked as a stripper? or perhaps your babysitter, or the TA at school? If it's a great fun way to make money is it OK for his sister etc?" Would he still visit the strip club if he knew one of the girls in another capacity? Would he be cool if one of his friends met a new girlfriend and she worked as a stripper?

If the answer is no to any of the above then he shouldn't go.

I know for a fact DHs answer to all of those would be no.

@pheonixrebirth

My ex (early 40,s at the time) went to a couple but for the most part didn't enjoy it, he said he knew at the end of the day that the girls wouldn't take a second look at him in real life and that he ended up just feeling like a bit of a fool. On the other hand a much younger colleague he was with was utterly convinced that he was going to marry one particular dancer! 😂🤔 On a different side of things I have a colleague who does security at a 'gentleman's' club at the weekend. He's gay so I feel that I can trust his experience. He says that the club is very strict about the no touch rule, the men will get warned but if they prove themselves to be a problem then they get booted out. And when there is a private dance the security have to stand close by to keep an eye on things. I was more shocked that he more recently had to throw one of the dancers out, because he had witnessed her give a guy the come on and kiss him! She was sacked on the spot. His job also means that after lock up the security and club manager make sure all the girls get a taxi or are escorted back to their cars. I'm obviously aware that this isn't the same everywhere.

I agree that here in the UK most clubs will be strict with the no touching rule but unfortunately a lot of other countries aren't.

@DoctorManhattan

I’m male and I really don’t enjoy strip clubs, so it’s not beyond the realms of impossibility that your oh doesn’t either. They’re false and sleazy places and I found the whole experience uncomfortable. Can’t imagine I will ever be back in one

Thanks for your input. It's nice hearing from a guy.

@heathspeedwell

My DH was on a stag with eleven other men a few years ago. Out of the twelve, three refused to go to the strip club and nine went. Of those, six had private dances and two invited two women back to their hotel for sex.

My DH went to the club but didn't have private dances and was sharing a room with the stag so neither of them invited a stripper back to the hotel.

But it was uncomfortable for me being at the wedding three weeks later drinking champagne with women when I knew that their husbands had slept with prostitutes and they were blissfully unaware.

I don't want to be any part of a culture that treats women so badly.

Hear so many stories like this. I would want to know if it was my husband. Disgusting!

Of course he's turned on by it. Are you mad?

Of course you'd know much more about my own husband than I would @OnlyAFleshWound