Strippers

[blackangel9]

Hey,

What's everyone's opinions on their OHs going to strip clubs?

For those who aren't bothered by it, what's your reasons for this?

Trying to settle my anxiety around DH who is currently getting ready to go away abroad on his brothers stag do.

We have had a discussion prior to him going and both seemed to be on the same page and that he would sit out if the group were planning on going to a club however I'd hate for him to be left out if it's a case of me overreacting!

For me I don't see it as any different from a work colleague stripping naked in front of him so why would it be okay just because money is handed over but again I do have low self esteem. I also hate the thought of potential trafficking and not knowing if the girls are happy to be doing this job. DH has always said that he finds clubs sleezy and not for him, he says that he would not find them arousing in the slightest however I worry he only feels this way as he would hate to upset me.

I know I need to trust his word and I have no reason to doubt him yet but would be interested in hearing other peoples opinions.

Not all stag parties feature “Strippers” if they do the women will usually be open to offers and some men will take advantage of that. It’s not just UK many stag parties go overseas, Eastern Europe is a regular venue for the long weekend stags, the rule is what happens there, stays there!. Draw your own conclusions!.

@SisterAgatha

And I can’t shake the idea that the stripper is basically there because she needs to feed her kids. Letting men touch her is how she feeds her kids. Doesn’t sit right with me. A good man would buy her a dinner without the touching.

Omg I know!! I've already stated to DH I'd much rather he paid a stripper at a club just to sit for a break with no strings attached. My moral compass is a bit all over the place as I would of course much rather he did not attend such a place but if he did I wouldn't want him to not put his hand in his pocket as these girls are doing a job for money. I obviously don't want him paying for any services though!

@MintyGreenDream

I've actually been in them before with ExH its all pretty civilised they're not allowed to touch the women under any circumstances

If it was a club in my home land I wouldn't bother AS MUCH but where he's going touching is definitely on the table. I know DH isn't like this but knowing it's going on potentially around him makes me feel uneasy.

there are so many angles of discussion when talking about strip clubs...the risk of trafficking the women; the exploitation of the women; the general unsavoury feeling of men ogling the women and finding it a turn on; the risk of STI's to both parties involved should anything physical go on; the archaic views that women should be used to 'entertain' men etc and then there's the personal view and feelings of a woman (OP) as an individual women whose partner is off to a strip club. Of the former thoughts, strip clubs should be closed down straight away as you'd probably solve a little of the trafficking issues every country has. Of the latter thoughts, I couldn't care less if OH wants to go to a strip club. The last time he went was his own stag do. The visit to a strip club was engineered by another in the group and OH felt he should go along with it because he'd be thought of as a prude and spoiling the fun if he didn't go. If he wanted to visit one now, it would be completely out of character and would promote a discussion between us as to why he felt a visit was needed!!

@PurpleDaisies

If it became a regular occurance I'd definitely start questioning his moral compass as it wouldn't match up with what he's told me all these years! He gets a one off chance and that's it.

I don’t understand this at all. Either he thinks it’s acceptable or he doesn’t. “Just going once” shows you where his moral compass is. Would you be happy if exploited a female colleague just once? Or shouted misogynistic things at a woman just once?

You don't have to understand it. Other people don't need to justify their positions to you.

@LikeABreathRipplingBy

How will your DH know if the girls are being coerced or trafficked? If they are then he is supporting a criminal operation as well as getting a sexual kick out of the girls' misery. Who could do that and sleep at night?

This is definitely something that bothers DH as well as me. He had said himself previously he couldn't live with the thought of getting his kicks to a girl doing the job out of fear. He has said himself he wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

@ComtesseDeSpair

I doubt your DH will be the only man on the trip who doesn’t particularly want to go to a strip club. I’m told by all the men I know who’ve ended up in strip clubs on lads’ nights and stag dos that they’re pretty unsexy, really expensive, and generally very few of the group especially want to be there but get herded in by the two or three who do and mostly just sit there drinking and chatting as they would in another bar and not really being all that interested in the dancers. If your DH feels that they’re morally wrong and you’d also rather he didn’t go, I’m pretty certain if he stood his ground and said he’d rather just go to another bar / back to the hotel, at least one of his mates would join him, if not more.

This is what we both hope will happen. I know for certain he doesn't want to go and has previously stated to the groupchat he isn't planning one for his brother (best man) and wouldn't be attending so I just need to trust he doesn't just follow the crowd. I'd be more hurt in him going against what he believes in jsut to keep others happy.

I wouldn't share my life with a person who felt it was acceptable to treat women as commodities. That's what this is.

Debating "jealousy" or "insecurity" is completely missing the point.

If it’s giving him this much internal angst, why on earth can’t he just say he doesn’t want to go?? Why are you both tying yourselves in knots over something that plenty of the rest of the group won’t be that fussed about either and will likely ride in his coat tails to also opt out of?

tbh probably nothing much worse than what you would see in a night club or even street these days. I would be OK with it as a once off, not a regular Friday night thing.

@PurpleDaisies

If it became a regular occurance I'd definitely start questioning his moral compass as it wouldn't match up with what he's told me all these years! He gets a one off chance and that's it.

I don’t understand this at all. Either he thinks it’s acceptable or he doesn’t. “Just going once” shows you where his moral compass is. Would you be happy if exploited a female colleague just once? Or shouted misogynistic things at a woman just once?

I can appreciate it sounds contradicting and I probably haven't put it across well. I have been with DH for more than half my life and I know where his morals/values lie. I know his outlook on clubs and now having DDs it's heightened on his part too. What I mean by a one of chance is that if they are in a position/area where it's softer to stay in a group I'd rather he didn't go away by himself. I know it probably still doesn't make complete sense.

@Crazykatie

Not all stag parties feature “Strippers” if they do the women will usually be open to offers and some men will take advantage of that. It’s not just UK many stag parties go overseas, Eastern Europe is a regular venue for the long weekend stags, the rule is what happens there, stays there!. Draw your own conclusions!.

Unfortunately it is a place over there the stag takes place this week!

Because I honestly believe that he is happy to come home to me. I genuinely don't think he is that turned on by it and finds it quite funny really. He only ever goes on a stag do so tis not like he goes every week and going by own finances he doesn't spend a fortune on private dances when he is there. I know a few from his stag do didn't tell their wives they went, that is more of a betrayal to me to be honest! At least eh tells me!

Oof. If my partner went off his own bat, I'd absolutely have a problem with it, but going along on his brother's stag do? No. I think it's unreasonable to expect him to step out.

@ComtesseDeSpair

If it’s giving him this much internal angst, why on earth can’t he just say he doesn’t want to go?? Why are you both tying yourselves in knots over something that plenty of the rest of the group won’t be that fussed about either and will likely ride in his coat tails to also opt out of?

He has stated on a few occasions both in person and on group chats his stand on things. It's probably my anxiety making me worry he goes against what he's said which isn't fair on him as he's never given me reason to distrust him.

If his safety is your concern, he’s far more likely to be “unsafe” in the sense of being pickpocketed or threatened for not paying a (fictional) bar tab by a club bouncer if he’s chosen to go into the red light district, than if he makes his excuses and takes himself off to a normal bar.

@Crazykatie

Not all stag parties feature “Strippers” if they do the women will usually be open to offers and some men will take advantage of that. It’s not just UK many stag parties go overseas, Eastern Europe is a regular venue for the long weekend stags, the rule is what happens there, stays there!. Draw your own conclusions!.

@Crazykatie

No all strippers are not prostitutes. Don't be ridiculous.

And apart from that, don't be inflammatory to the OP.

@nwatty

Because I honestly believe that he is happy to come home to me. I genuinely don't think he is that turned on by it and finds it quite funny really. He only ever goes on a stag do so tis not like he goes every week and going by own finances he doesn't spend a fortune on private dances when he is there. I know a few from his stag do didn't tell their wives they went, that is more of a betrayal to me to be honest! At least eh tells me!

Honesty is definitely the best policy.

@Luredbyapomegranate

Oof. If my partner went off his own bat, I'd absolutely have a problem with it, but going along on his brother's stag do? No. I think it's unreasonable to expect him to step out.

I haven't expected it from him, it's something we both spoke about and he agreed. It was DH who said to me he didn't want to go before I'd even voiced my opinion.

@ComtesseDeSpair

If his safety is your concern, he’s far more likely to be “unsafe” in the sense of being pickpocketed or threatened for not paying a (fictional) bar tab by a club bouncer if he’s chosen to go into the red light district, than if he makes his excuses and takes himself off to a normal bar.

The worry is real I won't lie! I'd much rather his brother had chosen a different place to go but ah well.

@SisterAgatha

And I can’t shake the idea that the stripper is basically there because she needs to feed her kids. Letting men touch her is how she feeds her kids. Doesn’t sit right with me. A good man would buy her a dinner without the touching.

Thets all sorts of reasons woman strip. I know of one who done it for a bit of extra cash to go on holiday with.

Anyway back to the op concerns . Surely theres nothing wrong with him going in for a few drinks while the others do what they want . After a hour or so they will get fed up of paying for expensive drinks and move on

Not all stag parties feature “Strippers” if they do the women will usually be open to offers

Wtf?!

It would be a deal breaker for me.

The entire sex industry is degrading to women, both the women who work in it and the women who want nothing to do with it. I would not want to be with a man who would even contemplate this.

My DH went to one on his stag do. Spent most of the time chatting to her according to his mates! He's so vanilla love him. I guess it comes down to trust. There is no right answer. If you aren't comfortable with it then you need to tell him and he needs to respect that.

DP & I are planning to go to a strip club once we go on holiday to Atlanta. I can’t wait🤸🏾‍♀️

Even if DP went to a strip club with his friends I literally wouldn’t have a problem. I’d be telling him to have a good time and send me videos too. Everyone’s different though so if you’re not a fan then you’re not a fan🤷🏾‍♀️