Strippers

[blackangel9]

Hey,

What's everyone's opinions on their OHs going to strip clubs?

For those who aren't bothered by it, what's your reasons for this?

Trying to settle my anxiety around DH who is currently getting ready to go away abroad on his brothers stag do.

We have had a discussion prior to him going and both seemed to be on the same page and that he would sit out if the group were planning on going to a club however I'd hate for him to be left out if it's a case of me overreacting!

For me I don't see it as any different from a work colleague stripping naked in front of him so why would it be okay just because money is handed over but again I do have low self esteem. I also hate the thought of potential trafficking and not knowing if the girls are happy to be doing this job. DH has always said that he finds clubs sleezy and not for him, he says that he would not find them arousing in the slightest however I worry he only feels this way as he would hate to upset me.

I know I need to trust his word and I have no reason to doubt him yet but would be interested in hearing other peoples opinions.

I've actually been in them before with ExH its all pretty civilised they're not allowed to touch the women under any circumstances

@DropYourSword

If your DH had found these places arousing and didn't just go as part of the group for a laugh would your opinion be different

Absolutely it would be!

Are you secure with him going as you know he doesn't get any enjoyment from it? I hope that doesn't sound cheeky that's not my intention I'm just wondering as my DH has said he doesn't find them sexy so wonder if I'm overreacting with my feelings.

I don't think that's cheeky to ask at all. Yes, I'm secure with him going because he's not lusting after the women, or being turned on by them. I'm not meaning I'm expecting him to sit there and be miserable, but when you say he gets no enjoyment from it I take that to mean no sexual gratification. It would be totally different if he did!
I just think of it like when I've been to hen dos and there's been a stripper. It was all just a bit cringe. I didn't find it at all sexy or a turn on. I didn't get "involved" at all - I'd have fucking hated going onto the stage like other women did! But I can come home and have a bit of a laugh with DH about it afterwards. Similar with him going. He'd just laugh about how some of the friends of the stag were a bit sad to be honest.

I guess this makes me sound incredibly naive (oh MY husband would never do that) but I can honestly say I absolutely trust my DH.

Thank you so much for your honestly. What you've described is how I'd love to be. I believe DH when he says he doesn't find them a turn on and would find himself extremely uncomfortable being there it's just now (if he did go along with the crowd for an easy life) not letting it overwhelm me when I know the type of person he is. I know deep down he'd be the last person to be thinking of the women as objects or lusting after them. I envy your confidence!

@SisterAgatha

And I can’t shake the idea that the stripper is basically there because she needs to feed her kids. Letting men touch her is how she feeds her kids. Doesn’t sit right with me. A good man would buy her a dinner without the touching.

This makes no sense at all

@ChargingBuck

Tbh I'm just trying to be more liberal in my thinking

Being cool about strip joints isn't liberal thinking OP.

Unless you mean the kind of Trumpian liberal who maintains "my liberty to do as I please at any price, even when that means that others suffer for it."

It's probably not the right thing to have said what I meant was more relaxed in my thinking. I know I trust DH and know the type of person he is so I don't want to let a one of event destroy what is otherwise a healthy marriage. I know his views on trafficking/women being sexualised in todays industry so know him being there (if he did go) would simply be appeasing the crowd for an easy life.

I'd obviously hope he doesn't follow the crowd and stands up for himself.

It might not be entirely faux, but I imagine for the most part, posters are actually just really insecure about the idea of their partners looking at other women, and try to save face by labelling their main concern as being the welfare of the women.

Thanks for your patronising assumption.
I'm anti-strip clubs, as part of the continuum of the entire sex industry, & don't have a partner (or want one).

What would you say I'm "insecure" about, @T00Ts?
& while you're thinking that one through - what makes you opine that my main concern is anything but women's welfare?

Well would your husband take you out for dinner/buy the food shop but only if you rode him or shook your tits in his face? No, everyone would say that is financial abuse.

So why should these women potentially have to do that to feed their families?

A good man wouldn’t be in these places.

It might not be entirely faux, but I imagine for the most part, posters are actually just really insecure about the idea of their partners looking at other women, and try to save face by labelling their main concern as being the welfare of the women.

My dh can look at naked women any time he wants. Anyone with a smartphone or a computer can.

Thank you for telling me what my own motives are for disliking strip clubs though. You obviously know me better than I do.

@ComtesseDeSpair

It doesn’t bother me from a “looking at other women” perspective, as we have an open relationship anyway. For this reason, I doubt DP would go to a strip club because why would he, he doesn’t need to pay to look at naked women who aren’t me. I don’t think strip clubs should exist in the first place, it’s commodification of women’s bodies; but DP and I agree to disagree on various political issues so I broadly wouldn’t expect him to tow my line if he did decide he wanted to go.

It doesn’t matter particularly how any else feels or if they think it’s fine. If your DP going is a dealbreaker for you and he’s determined that’s he’s going to, then you have a conversation to have about the future of your relationship.

I appreciate that as I wouldn't expect DH to just go along with my way as my feelings and values don't trump his.
We've had a great convo prior to the event and both seem to agree on what boundaries both would accept for either party. He says he feels the same if tables were to turn so I just need to hope he stays respectful.

Attending a strip club isn't a dealbreaker per say, i would probably think differently of him but we could work through it. A dealbreaker would be if he hides going or if he pays for any private dances. We both said that if there is some reason he does attend that he would sit at the bar and wouldn't pay for anything private and if friends were buying table dances etc he would leave the table. I suppose it's now just down to trust!

@SisterAgatha

Well would your husband take you out for dinner/buy the food shop but only if you rode him or shook your tits in his face? No, everyone would say that is financial abuse.

So why should these women potentially have to do that to feed their families?

A good man wouldn’t be in these places.

I’m not quite sure that’s a useful analogy. It would be financial abuse if a man expected his wife to cook all his meals and do all the housework in return for him buying the food shop, but some women still work as cooks and housekeepers to earn a living.

@ChargingBuck

It might not be entirely faux, but I imagine for the most part, posters are actually just really insecure about the idea of their partners looking at other women, and try to save face by labelling their main concern as being the welfare of the women.

Thanks for your patronising assumption.
I'm anti-strip clubs, as part of the continuum of the entire sex industry, & don't have a partner (or want one).

What would you say I'm "insecure" about, @T00Ts?
& while you're thinking that one through - what makes you opine that my main concern is anything but women's welfare?

I was sharing my opinion, @ChargingBuck, based on my own experiences of talking to other women about their partners going to strip clubs.

If my opinion, in relation to posters feeling insecure about their partners more than they’re fearful for the women involved, doesn’t apply to you as you don’t have or want a partner, then it doesn’t really stand to reason to apply it to yourself anyway in order to feel aggrieved. Wouldn’t you agree?

I've actually been in them before with ExH its all pretty civilised they're not allowed to touch the women under any circumstances

That very much depends on which country the strippers are in!

Ok well I’ll make the analogy simple. Paying a vulnerable woman for sex or sexual titillation is coercive at best, abusive at worst.

If your husband/partner would not pay you to get your tits out, why is it ok to expect that from a stranger.

@MintyGreenDream

I've actually been in them before with ExH its all pretty civilised they're not allowed to touch the women under any circumstances

I'm sure that's a comforting belief, but it's naive & wrong.

Dr Sasha Rakoff said: “Numerous women who have left the strip industry have told us for years what is really happening in these clubs.”
www.standard.co.uk/news/london/probe-into-famous-london-strip-club-spearmint-rhino-after-lap-dancers-breach-notouch-rule-a4144626.html

The Soho club, which uses the name Windmill International, is owned by Daniel Owide, who ran it with his father Oscar Owide – once dubbed Britain’s biggest pimp
metro.co.uk/2018/10/22/strip-club-loses-fight-to-renew-licence-after-breaking-no-touching-rule-8063172/?ito=twitter&utm_source=headtopics&utm_medium=news&utm_campaign=2018-10-23

How will your DH know if the girls are being coerced or trafficked? If they are then he is supporting a criminal operation as well as getting a sexual kick out of the girls' misery. Who could do that and sleep at night?

@JuicySatsuma85

I’m so sick of this faux “oh I’m really just worried the poor girls might be trafficked” bullshit whenever strip clubs are brought up. Trafficking victims don’t end up in licensed strip clubs for the most part. Do you have the same morale dilemma when you go to get your nails done? Or when you stay in a hotel? Trafficking victims often end up in beauty salons, cleaning hotel rooms etc. the vast, vast majority of trafficking victims aren’t even trafficked for sex work but other work.

As for the morale dilemma of it being “degrading to women”. That’s up for each individual woman to decide for themselves. You don’t get to decide for a dancer if she is degrading herself.

Oddly the threads about OHs watching porn don’t get anywhere near the same scorn as going to the strippers does so clearly the “oh the degradation, oh the poor trafficking victims” line is mostly nonsense.

My husband had his stag do in Vegas. I have no doubt they went to the strippers. He’s definitely been when he’s went to friends stag dos. He tells me he doesn’t get a dance. I believe him. He’s too cheap.

But it's not false? I have young daughters so the thought of men getting their sexual kicks out of a potentially trafficked girl does bother me. It also does bother me re nail salons and I do not get this done either. Trafficking all round is absolutely vile but the sex industry is another level. The place DH is away to is known for gang run places etc so I'm of course entitled to feel a bit anxious re this aspect.

I didn't once say it was degrading for women as I'm sure some women enjoy what they do but how can a man know which is which?

Threads that I've read re porn have definitely been along the same lines as strip clubs. My personal opinion on porn is that it doesn't bother me as long as it's ethical. DH agrees on this as he himself would hate getting off to a video which is potentially rape.

That's great that it doesn't bother you. Every relationship has its own dynamics and it's interested to hear from others.

@SpiderVersed

It would be a huge issue for me. It's an industry that exploits women.

Strip clubs contribute to a narrative that women are sex objects for men and not people with agency and autonomy. It's misogyny at best. If my DH went to one I'd wonder what the hell happened to his moral compass.

If it became a regular occurance I'd definitely start questioning his moral compass as it wouldn't match up with what he's told me all these years! He gets a one off chance and that's it. If he had been voicing his opinion the last few years then it would be different however I'd feel very lied to if it turned out he had just said certain things to appease me .

I doubt your DH will be the only man on the trip who doesn’t particularly want to go to a strip club. I’m told by all the men I know who’ve ended up in strip clubs on lads’ nights and stag dos that they’re pretty unsexy, really expensive, and generally very few of the group especially want to be there but get herded in by the two or three who do and mostly just sit there drinking and chatting as they would in another bar and not really being all that interested in the dancers. If your DH feels that they’re morally wrong and you’d also rather he didn’t go, I’m pretty certain if he stood his ground and said he’d rather just go to another bar / back to the hotel, at least one of his mates would join him, if not more.

If my opinion, in relation to posters feeling insecure about their partners more than they’re fearful for the women involved, doesn’t apply to you as you don’t have or want a partner, then it doesn’t really stand to reason to apply it to yourself anyway in order to feel aggrieved. Wouldn’t you agree?

You're right in that a lot of PP seem far more concerned about whether their DP will cheat, than they are about the industry which is exploiting women. I feel pretty aggrieved about that, too: it's selfish & blinkered. I also disliked how your post lumped those women in with those genuinely concerned & angry about the sex club. If I had a partner, & he went to a strip joint, I'd still be way more angry about his exploitation & arrogance than whether he copped a grope & an eyeful.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

But, anyone who isn't absolutely aghast at the thought of their DH going to a strip club is labelled as some sort of weird try hard "cool wife" here on MN.

Agreed. I dont even bother commenting my views on these threads anymore. Your opinion gets totally dismissed as trying to be a 'cool wife'. Which im not.

I don't view women in this way at all. I love that everyone has their own opinions on the matter. No marriage or relationship is the same - each have their own boundaries.

If you'd like to express your opinion there will certainly be no judgement on my part.

I suffer quite bad anxiety and low self esteem issues so hearing from others (good or bad) can help.

If it became a regular occurance I'd definitely start questioning his moral compass as it wouldn't match up with what he's told me all these years! He gets a one off chance and that's it.

I don’t understand this at all. Either he thinks it’s acceptable or he doesn’t. “Just going once” shows you where his moral compass is. Would you be happy if exploited a female colleague just once? Or shouted misogynistic things at a woman just once?

I met a victim of sex trafficking once. What she had been put through was no bloody joke, it would make any decent person sick. I don’t blame you for being bothered by that aspect.

I think strip clubs are seedy and sad at best.

@CornishGem1975

When I was younger I couldn't care less, now I am older it bothers me more. For what reason? I don't know. I'm not insecure at all but I dunno, they just feel a bit...grotty and I don't like to think of my DH as someone who would enjoy that grottiness!

So strippers, meh, I wouldn't like it but I'd suck it up and not cause a fuss. Lap dances? No. Hard do. If in any other situation my DH had a naked woman gyrating on him (and believe me, it's not all no touching, location dependant), it would be cheating, so I don't see why paying for it makes it any better. Plus I'd be annoyed about the waste of money.

When I was younger I couldn't care less, now I am older it bothers me more. For what reason? I don't know. I'm not insecure at all but I dunno, they just feel a bit...grotty and I don't like to think of my DH as someone who would enjoy that grottiness!

So strippers, meh, I wouldn't like it but I'd suck it up and not cause a fuss. Lap dances? No. Hard do. If in any other situation my DH had a naked woman gyrating on him (and believe me, it's not all no touching, location dependant), it would be cheating, so I don't see why paying for it makes it any better. Plus I'd be annoyed about the waste of money.

I agree completely re lap dances. I wish I wasn't one for a fuss but unfortunately I can't hide my feelings. Also DH and I communicate very thoroughly with each other no matter what so I couldn't hide it as it goes against our marriage beliefs (if that makes sense).

@SisterAgatha

I’m with you on this. I have a friend who goes a lot and pays for private dances, he has assured me he’s touched the girls intimately and they “enjoyed it”. I can’t help but feel the girls were thinking hahaha rich idiot or I want to say please get the fuck off me but I have no other choice because he’s paid me.

It’s sleazy and I feel the same about male strippers. I don’t ever want to pay to see someone’s private’s

It's men like this I hope DD never ever falls for. The thought of DH even being slightly like this turns my stomach.

@MintyGreenDream

I assumed dh would go to a strip club on his stag do as its such a tradition.He says he didn't whether he did ill never know.

I think our problem is that we are both possibly too honest with each other! Believe me it's not always a good thing lol.

I suppose it just comes down to trust.

@T00Ts I agree that this is of course entirely possible! I have previously stated that I do have some insecurities around it and wouldn't hide that daft but part of it, possibly a main part of it, is the thought of trafficking. Mostly so now I have young daughters, previously you are right it would have been simply just insecurities!