Strippers

[blackangel9]

Hey,

What's everyone's opinions on their OHs going to strip clubs?

For those who aren't bothered by it, what's your reasons for this?

Trying to settle my anxiety around DH who is currently getting ready to go away abroad on his brothers stag do.

We have had a discussion prior to him going and both seemed to be on the same page and that he would sit out if the group were planning on going to a club however I'd hate for him to be left out if it's a case of me overreacting!

For me I don't see it as any different from a work colleague stripping naked in front of him so why would it be okay just because money is handed over but again I do have low self esteem. I also hate the thought of potential trafficking and not knowing if the girls are happy to be doing this job. DH has always said that he finds clubs sleezy and not for him, he says that he would not find them arousing in the slightest however I worry he only feels this way as he would hate to upset me.

I know I need to trust his word and I have no reason to doubt him yet but would be interested in hearing other peoples opinions.

In the past I have been ok about my H going to strip clubs. I was much younger, I thought it was fine as I believed the women were probably empowered by stripping (?!) and that my H was just having a laugh with his mates. I thought it would have been hard for him to say no to going. I also thought that the strippers were to some extent benefitting from the stupidity of men.

As I've got older and my feminism has shifted, I see that is probably not the case. I suspect most women who strip do not find it empowering but feel it is the best choice they currently have to make money, keep a roof over their heads and maybe fund a drug habit or support children. I also imagine some may not even have a choice to be there at all. It wouldn't surprise me to find out that many (not all) of the women have a difficult or traumatic childhood behind them. I expect it puts them at an increased risk of sexual assault too.

So now I would not be happy if H decided to go to a strip club.

@AngelicInnocent

Not really bothered about guys going on a stag do, it seems a bit naff and childish but so what. I guess I view it like a girls hen night at the chippendales. Private rooms, dances etc are a hard no though, that's a step further and more akin to cheating.

Guys going there at other times seem pretty sad and creepy to me

I know what you mean but I feel strip clubs are more intimate than a stage show like chippendales. I can't really think of an equal equivalent for us females.

I wouldn't give a shit but strip clubs just seem so...old fashioned? I'd be more annoyed they couldn't think of anything more exciting to do.

@Latara

I don't know, I was at a hen party with a male stripper and the stripper seemed to have more fun than the hen, who is actually a very strictly Catholic Filipina. The male stripper was a real exhibitionist & posed for photos with everyone after too.

So if I had a partner who wanted to see a female stripper I would probably have to let him go or I would be hypocritical... however it would depend on the venue.

Eg one venue in town is notorious for being run by a local gangster and bringing in drug addicted girls from Russia and getting them to do more than just strip.

Very different type of stripper to the confident man I saw at the hen party.

It might be a tad hypocritical especially if the stripper was very intimate! However I agree venue would matter.

@PurpleDaisies

I wouldn’t be going to anything with a male stripper either.

If I'm being honest neither would I. Mostly because I find them very cringy and not a turn on in the slightest. I don't think I'd be able to sit there without feeling funny lol

@heathspeedwell

My DH was on a stag with eleven other men a few years ago. Out of the twelve, three refused to go to the strip club and nine went. Of those, six had private dances and two invited two women back to their hotel for sex.

My DH went to the club but didn't have private dances and was sharing a room with the stag so neither of them invited a stripper back to the hotel.

But it was uncomfortable for me being at the wedding three weeks later drinking champagne with women when I knew that their husbands had slept with prostitutes and they were blissfully unaware.

I don't want to be any part of a culture that treats women so badly.

Did it bother you thst your DH had the opportunity to sit it out with a few others but chose to go instead? The reason for asking is I know of a few women who would rather they didn't go but wouldn't want them being the only one to leave the group.

That can't have been easy sitting there knowing what you knew!

At least your DH was honest with you.

@LaBellina

I think very few women work in the sex industry that aren’t being exploited and that haven’t been abused as a child. Women’s bodies are not a commodity. I have a very low opinion of men who think they are entitled to women’s bodies because they pay for it.

I agree. It seems to have become the norm for women to just be sexual objects for a man's desire!

If your DH had found these places arousing and didn't just go as part of the group for a laugh would your opinion be different

Absolutely it would be!

Are you secure with him going as you know he doesn't get any enjoyment from it? I hope that doesn't sound cheeky that's not my intention I'm just wondering as my DH has said he doesn't find them sexy so wonder if I'm overreacting with my feelings.

I don't think that's cheeky to ask at all. Yes, I'm secure with him going because he's not lusting after the women, or being turned on by them. I'm not meaning I'm expecting him to sit there and be miserable, but when you say he gets no enjoyment from it I take that to mean no sexual gratification. It would be totally different if he did!
I just think of it like when I've been to hen dos and there's been a stripper. It was all just a bit cringe. I didn't find it at all sexy or a turn on. I didn't get "involved" at all - I'd have fucking hated going onto the stage like other women did! But I can come home and have a bit of a laugh with DH about it afterwards. Similar with him going. He'd just laugh about how some of the friends of the stag were a bit sad to be honest.

I guess this makes me sound incredibly naive (oh MY husband would never do that) but I can honestly say I absolutely trust my DH.

@Nos3y

As long as there is no private dances I'm not bothered. He knows it's unrealistic. Also if you said no he'd go anyway...if he's on a stag he isn't going to wait outside while everyone else goes in.

I can appreciate this but he has before sat out and FaceTimed me drunk from his room. A few of his friends are forever slagging him to me for going against the grain.

I agree that if he had to go in as I in no way will control his decision, a private dance is a dealbreaker and he wouldn't be welcome back to our home.

Tbh I'm just trying to be more liberal in my thinking

Being cool about strip joints isn't liberal thinking OP.

Unless you mean the kind of Trumpian liberal who maintains "my liberty to do as I please at any price, even when that means that others suffer for it."

It doesn’t bother me from a “looking at other women” perspective, as we have an open relationship anyway. For this reason, I doubt DP would go to a strip club because why would he, he doesn’t need to pay to look at naked women who aren’t me. I don’t think strip clubs should exist in the first place, it’s commodification of women’s bodies; but DP and I agree to disagree on various political issues so I broadly wouldn’t expect him to tow my line if he did decide he wanted to go.

It doesn’t matter particularly how any else feels or if they think it’s fine. If your DP going is a dealbreaker for you and he’s determined that’s he’s going to, then you have a conversation to have about the future of your relationship.

@DropYourSword

For those who aren't bothered by it, what's your reasons for this?

I'm just...not. I don't really have a reason to be bothered by it. I trust my DH. He's not a weird or creepy sex pest. I don't think he's really at all bothered about going to stripe clubs, he's probably only ever been a couple of times with stag do's. I definitely don't think he finds it a turn on at all. I probably would be way more bothered if he was listing after naked women. But, he isn't.
So I guess I just see it as not really much more than him watching a film with nudity in. That doesn't bother me, so why would a stop club.

But, anyone who isn't absolutely aghast at the thought of their DH going to a strip club is labelled as some sort of weird try hard "cool wife" here on MN.

Ah, the infamous 'cool wife'.

I completely agree with this post. It doesn't bother me because of how my DH is. If he was creepy about it, visiting strip clubs on his own to lust after the women, then I'd be upset.

I think most men see it as a novelty. I've seen male strippers before as honestly, it was hardly a sexy experience. It was funny to watch, almost like a magic show at times.... but definitely not sexy.

I’m so sick of this faux “oh I’m really just worried the poor girls might be trafficked” bullshit whenever strip clubs are brought up. Trafficking victims don’t end up in licensed strip clubs for the most part. Do you have the same morale dilemma when you go to get your nails done? Or when you stay in a hotel? Trafficking victims often end up in beauty salons, cleaning hotel rooms etc. the vast, vast majority of trafficking victims aren’t even trafficked for sex work but other work.

As for the morale dilemma of it being “degrading to women”. That’s up for each individual woman to decide for themselves. You don’t get to decide for a dancer if she is degrading herself.

Oddly the threads about OHs watching porn don’t get anywhere near the same scorn as going to the strippers does so clearly the “oh the degradation, oh the poor trafficking victims” line is mostly nonsense.

My husband had his stag do in Vegas. I have no doubt they went to the strippers. He’s definitely been when he’s went to friends stag dos. He tells me he doesn’t get a dance. I believe him. He’s too cheap.

It would be a huge issue for me. It's an industry that exploits women.

Strip clubs contribute to a narrative that women are sex objects for men and not people with agency and autonomy. It's misogyny at best. If my DH went to one I'd wonder what the hell happened to his moral compass.

I’m so sick of this faux “oh I’m really just worried the poor girls might be trafficked” bullshit.

It’s not faux.

But, anyone who isn't absolutely aghast at the thought of their DH going to a strip club is labelled as some sort of weird try hard "cool wife" here on MN.

Agreed. I dont even bother commenting my views on these threads anymore. Your opinion gets totally dismissed as trying to be a 'cool wife'. Which im not.

Oddly the threads about OHs watching porn don’t get anywhere near the same scorn as going to the strippers does
Oh, they definitely do in my experience here!!

When I was younger I couldn't care less, now I am older it bothers me more. For what reason? I don't know. I'm not insecure at all but I dunno, they just feel a bit...grotty and I don't like to think of my DH as someone who would enjoy that grottiness!

So strippers, meh, I wouldn't like it but I'd suck it up and not cause a fuss. Lap dances? No. Hard do. If in any other situation my DH had a naked woman gyrating on him (and believe me, it's not all no touching, location dependant), it would be cheating, so I don't see why paying for it makes it any better. Plus I'd be annoyed about the waste of money.

I’m with you on this. I have a friend who goes a lot and pays for private dances, he has assured me he’s touched the girls intimately and they “enjoyed it”. I can’t help but feel the girls were thinking hahaha rich idiot or I want to say please get the fuck off me but I have no other choice because he’s paid me.

It’s sleazy and I feel the same about male strippers. I don’t ever want to pay to see someone’s private’s

@GrumpyTerrier

Generally as a thing I don't think they are that good- not for the men in them or for the way we view women. I've had friends work in them and say it was fine, they enjoyed it and they definitely did. They were also pretty upfront about the drugs and sexual favours that go on in the vip rooms though, but people have differing views about that.

However some of the same friends would then say how they were digitally r*ped or how they got pushed against a wall and threatened, called 'embarrassing', derogatory comments etc. They seemed to brush it off as being the guy's issue but it bothered me that so many guys felt it was ok to go there and treat women like that.

I woudn't really mind if DH went as a one off on a stag do, even if he got a dance. He loves me, fancies me, no doubt. Getting a bit titilated by a dancer wouldn't change that. I wouldn't be happy if it was a regular event as that would suggest he was looking for something other than a one off bit of silly fun.

I woudn't really mind if DH went as a one off on a stag do, even if he got a dance. He loves me, fancies me, no doubt. Getting a bit titilated by a dancer wouldn't change that. I wouldn't be happy if it was a regular event as that would suggest he was looking for something other than a one off bit of silly fun.

I've heard that re drugs too and will admit it makes me feel uneasy that men are being aroused by women who could likely be high on drugs. It's even more sickening to think that men are abusing the women doing their job for their own satisfaction.

I can appreciate you not minding DH going to a club as a once off but do you mind me asking why a dance wouldn't bother you? Watching from afar is one thing for me but having a naked women grinding over DH seems a step too far for me. Would you mind if he allowed a colleague or friend to dance over him naked as long as he didn't have sex? Each to their own and in no way is there any judgement I just like to hear what others think as I can appreciate my thinking might be extreme!

I assumed dh would go to a strip club on his stag do as its such a tradition.He says he didn't whether he did ill never know.

@makingitalladdup

In the past I have been ok about my H going to strip clubs. I was much younger, I thought it was fine as I believed the women were probably empowered by stripping (?!) and that my H was just having a laugh with his mates. I thought it would have been hard for him to say no to going. I also thought that the strippers were to some extent benefitting from the stupidity of men.

As I've got older and my feminism has shifted, I see that is probably not the case. I suspect most women who strip do not find it empowering but feel it is the best choice they currently have to make money, keep a roof over their heads and maybe fund a drug habit or support children. I also imagine some may not even have a choice to be there at all. It wouldn't surprise me to find out that many (not all) of the women have a difficult or traumatic childhood behind them. I expect it puts them at an increased risk of sexual assault too.

So now I would not be happy if H decided to go to a strip club.

Your post is exactly my thinking. Insecurity aside, if I didn't know how bad the industry can be I might not feel as strongly as I do.

@PurpleDaisies

I’m so sick of this faux “oh I’m really just worried the poor girls might be trafficked” bullshit.

It’s not faux.

It might not be entirely faux, but I imagine for the most part, posters are actually just really insecure about the idea of their partners looking at other women, and try to save face by labelling their main concern as being the welfare of the women.

And I can’t shake the idea that the stripper is basically there because she needs to feed her kids. Letting men touch her is how she feeds her kids. Doesn’t sit right with me. A good man would buy her a dinner without the touching.