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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never want to speak or see my nct friends again

423 replies

emzz89x · 15/02/2022 07:05

Good morning lovely people

Just came here for some advice.
Had my first baby 7 months ago and joined an NCT class whilst pregnant . We all had our babies around the same month. We all kept in touch during our pregnancy and became really good friends.

They all had girls and I have a boy. They are all breastfeeding but unfortunately probably due to my baby being born via an emergency csection and being over 11lbs I really struggled to feed him so I had to start formula feeding as that's what made him happy.
Anyway over the last 7 months .. I feel like they are making fun of me in every aspect of motherhood .. from making comments that I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc
Yesterday I arrived home crying after one of them asked me if I'm scared that my baby might have lots of allergies due to being formula fed ... I mean WTF ! I fed him yesterday In front of them as he was really hungry and they all looked at me the entire time. Like I was feeding him poison 😩
I've been so low over this over the last few months... my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age 😢

OP posts:
ModerationInEverything · 15/02/2022 07:07

These women are not your friends. Friends support you and lift you up when you are down.
YWNBU to just cut contact with them.

OldMMC · 15/02/2022 07:09

Find another mother and baby group, ask your health visitor to recommend one. You're not going to miss these people.

pinkgingham · 15/02/2022 07:09

They sound awful! I'd just be "busy" for the next few meet ups and start to phase them out. I didn't do NCT but it sounds like it's really common not to gel with your group, I know lots of people who aren't in touch with theirs anymore.

Babies this age don't really need playmates anyway but there will be loads of opportunities to meet other parents and their children through toddler groups/pre-school/school as he gets older.

Legoisaws8om · 15/02/2022 07:09

I am so sorry you have met a bunch of people who make you feel like that. Flowers Friendship groups shouldn't be judgemental especially when your a mum and navigating everything. I think nct is one of those your either lucky or not if you meet a group of people who click. Have you perhaps tried going to other playgroups and seeing who else you meet? Either that or I'd start calling them out on it and saying that any fed baby is the most important thing not how they are fed and asking them why they are asking such judgemental questions.

MacaroniCheeseCat · 15/02/2022 07:10

That is awful behaviour! Don’t worry about your baby having friends - at this age NCT friends are for you, not him. And they don’t sound like friends to me if they can’t compute that some aspects of your experience of early motherhood are different from theirs.

Try other baby groups or classes - but you definitely don’t have to hang out with people who undermine you and your completely valid choices.

BabyInTheJungle · 15/02/2022 07:10

Some NCT groups get along, some are full of twats. Sadly yours appears to lean towards the latter. I'd start to phase them out or cool contact a bit.

Your baby will have friends when they are old enough. Millions of babies make friends as 3+ year olds without the benefit of NCT class Grin if you are looking for mummy friends that's fair enough but try a different class.

Also I was in almost the same position - only boy in a group of girls, huge 11lb baby, emergency section, and combination fed from a few hours old. Comments came from everyone not just my NCT group but I just learned to ignore them. Kind of.

Congratulations on your beautiful son Star

Darker · 15/02/2022 07:11

Oh that sounds awful.

Are there any women in the group who you like and could meet up with separately? Your baby will be fine but you need and deserve social support from other mums. It doesn’t have to come from an NCT group.

BiscuitLover3678 · 15/02/2022 07:12

Woahhh this is a toxic group! Are there some in particular who are worse?

Intooblivionblackhole · 15/02/2022 07:12

You're child doesn't need friends at 7 months old. They will make their own friends at play groups, childcare, nursery, school and all of the other things they do as they progress through life.

Do you really want your DC to be friends with people who are so sanctimonious anyway?

Seriously, like is too short for other people and their negative comments. I had two csections and two huge babies. No one batted an eyelid or cared I wasn't BF. I weaned both of my kids at 4 months and they had hardly any formula by 7 months. Again, no one cared.

Galaxyrippleforever · 15/02/2022 07:14

Don't see these people again.

I had an almost 11lb baby, c section, ended up on formula. She is now almost 4 and excellent. The things that seemed so important at 7 months really aren't now and you need to surround yourself with kind, positive people.

MadameHeisenberg · 15/02/2022 07:14

Yes, stop going and don’t give these nasty, judgemental bitches a backwards glance. It sounds like they don’t have much going for themselves and can only feel good by putting others down. Their kids will turn out like this too, so your DS won’t be missing out on anything.

By the time the kids are in reception nobody has a hope in hell of distinguishing how a baby was fed - the benefits of BF are so marginal as to only be visible on a whole population scale. There are so many more important things in life, OP, honestly.

Drop them, they’re a total waste of your time.

SonicBroom · 15/02/2022 07:16

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. It sounds like you’re doing amazingly and are a wonderful mum.

The problem with parenting, particularly FTMs, is everyone thinks they’re an expert and that their way is best. I think it’s a survival or coping mechanism of some kind. Unfortunately it also sometimes mean that they judge others who do it differently. You’re also in the difficult position of having an unusually large baby, which people also don’t understand and again seem to think it’s ok to assume explanation for (big = bad, and you’re doing something different to them so that must be why).

I would say that you should talk to them about how you feel, but it doesn’t sound like they’re ready to understand. If I were you I’d slowly start making other friends through other groups and build your confidence up so that either their comments hurt less (they’ll turn on someone else next… whoever gives up BF first probably), or you can move away from them altogether without feeling alone.

DropYourSword · 15/02/2022 07:17

I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc

This is such a bullshit, ignorant comment. You still had a newborn. You still had to feed him!
I formula fed my baby after 10 tortuous weeks of breastfeeding failure. And he was a horrendous sleeper until 9 months old. It's an absolute bloody myth that all formula fed babies sleep through the night.
They are not your friends. Mum friends are there to help commiserate with you during the tough times and celebrate your wins. I'd never be seeing these idiots again if I were you!!

PurpleNebula84 · 15/02/2022 07:17

Just completely ignore them and never see them again - you don't owe them anything.

Look up other groups in your area, check out what your local library has on (I met my best friend at a bounce and rhyme session), see if there is baby sensory or baby massage groups. I'm sure you will find more accepting and actually nice people at these. Stay strong - it's not you, it's is 100% them. Xx

QuiltedHippo · 15/02/2022 07:18

God they sound awful, mute the WhatsApp chat and be busy for the next few meet ups. Be vague and breezy it you happen to bump into any of them.

My BF baby is riddled with allergies BTW Wink

TicTacHoh · 15/02/2022 07:18

Unfortunately NCT seems to disproportionately attract the holier than thou types. Phase them out, there are plenty of normal mums out there to be friends with, I promise!

IdrisElbow · 15/02/2022 07:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Kayjay2018 · 15/02/2022 07:19

@emzz89x Congratulations on your little boy. Speaking as the mum of a now 18 year old son who was formula fed due to a severe tongue tie, he is a strapping 6ft and being formula fed has done him zero harm. You are feeding your baby and that's all that matters. He didn't sleep through the night till 18 months so type of feeding had zero impact on me and sleep. Also, once you are out of the baby years no one knows or asks about how your baby was fed even though everyone has and opinion on it during that first period. Enjoy your son, don't let others bring you down.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 15/02/2022 07:20

Yeah ditch them. Some people are just unpleasant and sounds like you got unlucky and ended up with several of them in your groups.

I FF DD as my milk never came in, tried for a week, cracked and bleeding nipples, starving hungry baby, but never any milk. Gave her a bottle and she was happy for the first time and satisfied.

Total cow came up to me while I was feeding DD in Costa and said "oh you're brave going for bottles. Aren't you worried about the risk of them getting Ill and allergies". Took me a second to find my voice as was quite shocked but I replied "wow it's you that's brave, fancy walking up to a total stranger who's sleep deprived from a new baby and insulting them. Aren't you worried you'll be hit?"

DD is 7 now, she's got no allergies, hardly ever poorly, amongst top of her class, kind, funny, generally just a fabulous little person. Formula kept her fed and gave her what she needed to grow.

Jovanka · 15/02/2022 07:20

Stuff them, OP. They sound incredibly insecure. And rude. Your baby does not need playmates at his age and there will be playgroups for that. Leave them to wallow in their smugness and move on.

Kbyodjs · 15/02/2022 07:21

If you feel that you were good friends with them then I’d speak to them about it; do you have a group chat where you can explain how you feel? My NCT group all breastfed and I did initially then started formula feeding and I thought one mum was judging me but she then told me privately that she was actually really jealous as her baby wouldnt take a bottle at 6 months and she couldn’t go anywhere without the baby and was feeding multiple times at night whereas I could go out for a few hours without worrying and my DH could help etc
You’ll know from their reactions and how they are next time you see them whether you want to be friends with them or maybe just one or two of them

whymewhyme · 15/02/2022 07:21

Block and ignore. These woman are not your friends. Makes me wonder what makes ppl so nasty and bitchy.

cansu · 15/02/2022 07:21

I think you need to either have something ready to sat that shows you won't put up with this shit or stop seeing them. They sound dullanyway. Why are they so obsessed with breadt feeding? I think it can bring out a very smug and judgemental side of some people when they have their first child.

JustBlethering · 15/02/2022 07:21

Wow they are nasty fuckers aren't they. Babies don't care about having friends, they really really don't. And if their kids grow up to be like their mothers then I'd say you don't want them to be your kids friends anyway.

Dailywalk · 15/02/2022 07:21

You don’t need these people in your life. I struggled and stopped bf my first as I had a terrible birth and probably wasn’t well or strong enough to feed her for a long time. I didn’t cut myself any slack though and really beat myself up about it for a long time. Being surrounded by other mums who made it look easy was hard! If they had made me feel bad on top then i don’t know what I’d have done!
Leave this friendship group. They’re making you feel rubbish rather than buoying you up.
You will make new friends and so will your baby.