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Original poster

To never want to speak or see my nct friends again

423 replies

emzz89x · 15/02/2022 07:05

Good morning lovely people

Just came here for some advice.
Had my first baby 7 months ago and joined an NCT class whilst pregnant . We all had our babies around the same month. We all kept in touch during our pregnancy and became really good friends.

They all had girls and I have a boy. They are all breastfeeding but unfortunately probably due to my baby being born via an emergency csection and being over 11lbs I really struggled to feed him so I had to start formula feeding as that's what made him happy.
Anyway over the last 7 months .. I feel like they are making fun of me in every aspect of motherhood .. from making comments that I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc
Yesterday I arrived home crying after one of them asked me if I'm scared that my baby might have lots of allergies due to being formula fed ... I mean WTF ! I fed him yesterday In front of them as he was really hungry and they all looked at me the entire time. Like I was feeding him poison 😩
I've been so low over this over the last few months... my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age 😢

OP posts:
Jvg33 · 15/02/2022 07:39

What a load of rubbish. My brother was breast fed, I was formula fed. My brother is always getting colds and has allergies, I'm rarely sick and have no allergies. Breast feeding is not an exact science. I formula fed both my children and had c section. They both were over 9 pounds when born. Don't listen to them op. I would go out with them again just to make comments back. Such as at least my baby will sleep the night first! You decided to hinder your sleep!

Folklore9074 · 15/02/2022 07:39

Sounds like you got unlucky with your group, nearly everyone in mine combo feeds. And either way there is never any judgement.

Probs best to stop seeing them. Just don’t respond to the messages and don’t go to the meet ups. Be busy. No explanation or drama needed.

Ohlalaohlala · 15/02/2022 07:39

Don't keep seeing them. They sound horrible.
You’re baby doesn’t need friends his own age yet and when he does you’ll get the chance at other groups.

SuitcaseOfWhine · 15/02/2022 07:39

I

MsTSwift · 15/02/2022 07:40

You are their victim they are bonding over slagging you off. My lovely 13 year old had the same last year. Will give you the same advice we gave her walk away without a backward glance. Stay and it’s death by a thousand cuts. I moved and left my nct group met fab group at random playgroup. Shop around but leave these bitches for dust.

jytdtysrht · 15/02/2022 07:40

Your baby needs his mum, he has you. Don’t bother with these harpies again.

Ilovechocolatetoomuch · 15/02/2022 07:40

Any normal person would not care how you feed your little one, especially as it’s none of their business!
Nct group are meant to support you and if they are not I would just drift away.
Also you don’t need justify how you feed your baby it is entirely up to you.

Sorry you have had to go through this.

ArtemisDarling · 15/02/2022 07:40

I had a similar experience with my first and my DH finally said in some exasperation; 'Just because all those parents had sex in roughly the same month that we did does not mean you have anything else in common'.

It's true.

And trust me, no-one beyond the initial months gives a flying fuck how you fed your baby and you relaly cannot tell when they get to school.

Wisemensay · 15/02/2022 07:41

Oh OP I really feel for you. I FF after trying to BF but not being able to. I was so upset I hardly ever fed my daughter in public for fear of being judged. I was so lucky to have a group of friends where about half FF and half BF. We supported each other completely and still do even though we have different styles of parenting. These women aren't your friends and I'm so sorry they've made an already difficult time more difficult.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 15/02/2022 07:41

They seen awfully thick if they don't understand how hard it is to bottle feed at night. You can't just whack about out, you have to go and find a sterile bottle and prepare the bloody thing!

I couldn't bf and it broke my heart. Now, 18 months later, it really isn't a thing I even think about really.

I would ditch these people OP. They are just going to cause you upset and a feeling of incompetence, even though you are doing amazingly.

labyrinthlaziness · 15/02/2022 07:41

my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age

YOur DH is right. These people are toxic for you and therefore they are toxic for your child too. Don't expose your child to draining people.

You simply start going to other things and being a bit busy. Dial down your contact if you don;t wish to stop suddenly. You can tell lies if you want to, there is no need for a bust up.

Join other groups and go to other places.

Your baby's top need right now is a happy parent.

User1367349 · 15/02/2022 07:41

It’s hard because so many people peddle the NCT “friends for life” story. True for some lucky ones but not most people I know.

These people sound awful. Join other things, stay and play, playgroups in church halls, more interactive classes like singing/rhymes. The high cost branded ones don’t tend to be great for meeting people, best to go for the less structured playgroup-y ones.

You sound great - although I’m sorry you had such a tough time. You have done amazingly well with a tough time. Don’t worry, you will meet good people.

ArtemisDarling · 15/02/2022 07:41

Oh and I agree completely with a pp who said they are getting something by looking down on you. I have had it also. People who feel insecure will try and shore themselves and their decisions up by judging others. It's them, not you.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 15/02/2022 07:41

Drop them. Unfortunately some new parents carry on as though they are the first ever parents and judge others for not being exactly like them. Every milestone starting from BF v FF to weening, sleeping through night, walking, talking, types of clothes (apparently Disney = chavvy, random Scandi brand =optimal), brands of scooter, reading stage in class, how much sugar served at birthday party, role in Nativity etc will be an opportunity for these types to espouse their opinions or judge e.g ‘you let your kid watch tv more than 5 mins a day?, Oliver only asks to watch 30 seconds of University Challenge a week!’

Pay them no mind and find people you like to hang around with. Your DS won’t remember any of these people or their kids anyway.

Cocopopsss · 15/02/2022 07:42

These women are awful OP. You don’t need them or their babies.

Regarding breastfeeding, do not worry or feel guilty a tiny bit, you did what was best for you and your baby, which makes you an excellent mother.

Baby friends, your baby will make plenty along the way. Try other baby groups in your local area, go to the park. Your baby will get so many other opportunities to socialise as he gets older, so please don’t think you need these awful, smug women in your life OP.

LoudSnoringDog · 15/02/2022 07:42

Toxic arseholes

There will be lots of other mother and baby groups about that aren't full of judgemental women

gogohm · 15/02/2022 07:43

Go to a baby/toddler group, as most people are bottle feeding by that age you will find many kindred spirits.

Try churches, community centres etc for meetings

camelfinger · 15/02/2022 07:43

They sound horrible. I do think NCT can brainwash people to some extent. I felt like a failure for having a section, and that I’d somehow redeemed myself by breastfeeding. There was one of the mums who really wanted to breastfeed and couldn’t, she did feel left out despite the group’s best efforts; she was the one who kept bringing it up though.
I did find myself comparing to others in the group, even though they were all lovely. Our DC never played with each other (we claimed they did, but looking back they were just in one room ignoring each other). As others have said, it’s a support group for the mums rather than the babies so if it’s this toxic you’re well rid.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 15/02/2022 07:43

whack a boob out

FourChimneys · 15/02/2022 07:43

One of the best bits of advice I was given when pregnant was to avoid joining an NCT group. They were known for being bitchy and judgemental.

This was over 20 years ago, sounds like things haven't changed.

Katieandthekids · 15/02/2022 07:44

Yeh. My god just absolutely stop seeing them immediately. Leave the WhatsApp chat and just move on with your life 💯.

I am so sorry. My NCT were such a great support for my twins even though they all only had one and we all did a massive mix of ways we parent and all respectful of each other's choices.

Find a group of people like that.

Grida · 15/02/2022 07:44

There are breast feeding purists out there but, in my experience, not that many. If they really are judgemental then ditch the group. If your feelings about bottle feeding are making you feel like they are being judgemental then that is a different issue and leaving the group won’t help. I am slightly surprised they think much about your feeding methods, or care about it but then some people are weird.

Iknownothing · 15/02/2022 07:45

They are not your friends and in my experience sadly typical of the NCT - great if you have a ‘natural’ birth and breast feed but bloody awful, cliquey and judgemental about formula feeding and c-sections.
You’re doing great - go find a playgroup or toddler group and find some new friends.

Nomoreporridge872 · 15/02/2022 07:45

Honestly, the most important thing is for you to feel supported and well. Your baby absolutely does not need these other babies as ‘friends’. Tiny children don’t have or need friends and he will make those when he is developmentally ready at nursery and school. Don’t give that a second thought. NCT is about supporting the mother and if you’re not getting that then move on. Make friends at baby groups etc. My NCT group fell apart at about the 6 month mark for other reasons - some groups just don’t gel. Don’t give it a second thought if it’s not working for you. It’s just a bunch of random people sling together for the only reason that they are pregnant at the same time

Appletreechocolatecake · 15/02/2022 07:45

They sound awful and I’d be tempted to cut them off too though it might be amusing to keep loose contact so that when the baby years end and they can no longer define themselves by their breastfeeding you can watch with amusement as their babies develop into bratty toddlers and beyond!

I bottle fed our eldest (now a grown up and you cannot tell the difference between her and a BF child) and encountered so many nasty spiteful cows like this who were absolutely determined to make me feel shit about it. I BF subsequent babies because I had better support and advice and vowed that I would never, ever be smug about it or make another new mum feel bad for her choices. I have nothing but contempt for mums like your ‘friends’. If you do cut them off, and I think you should, I’d be tempted to say why first.

You are doing a great job and please do not let these nasty women make you feel like you are not as good a mum as they are.

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