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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never want to speak or see my nct friends again

423 replies

emzz89x · 15/02/2022 07:05

Good morning lovely people

Just came here for some advice.
Had my first baby 7 months ago and joined an NCT class whilst pregnant . We all had our babies around the same month. We all kept in touch during our pregnancy and became really good friends.

They all had girls and I have a boy. They are all breastfeeding but unfortunately probably due to my baby being born via an emergency csection and being over 11lbs I really struggled to feed him so I had to start formula feeding as that's what made him happy.
Anyway over the last 7 months .. I feel like they are making fun of me in every aspect of motherhood .. from making comments that I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc
Yesterday I arrived home crying after one of them asked me if I'm scared that my baby might have lots of allergies due to being formula fed ... I mean WTF ! I fed him yesterday In front of them as he was really hungry and they all looked at me the entire time. Like I was feeding him poison 😩
I've been so low over this over the last few months... my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age 😢

OP posts:
longwayoff · 15/02/2022 07:45

Those groups can be vile if they decide you're the weakest and therefore fair game. Any group can do this but some get a reputation for it. Lose them or they'll be in and out of your life for years and you'll be miserable. You'll never measure up for them.

PenStation · 15/02/2022 07:45

You sound lovely and a good Mum. As others have said, I would phase them out and find another baby group. These groups are more for mums when the baby is little. I didn’t gel with my NCT group but I am still in touch with a couple of women from a local play group many years later. It will be fine, honestly.

Nomoreporridge872 · 15/02/2022 07:46

Ps FWIW no one in my NCT group were judged for formula feeding or c-sections. We were a real mix of those things

Llioed · 15/02/2022 07:48

Hey OP, I haven’t read all of the responses but the ones I did read - I agree!

I went to a few baby groups and out of all the mums I made friends with at the time (about 10) I am very good friends with only one now 7 years later… the friendships fizzled out as the children grew up.

This one friend I have maintained contact with is incredibly supportive and you will find that if you attend a few different baby groups. You will soon learn which of them aren’t your “cup of tea” so to speak, and which ones are. Please, for your own sake, do not go back to the NCT group.

Your baby sounds as though he is thriving and don’t worry - he will have plenty opportunities to make friends over the next few years.

What I’m about to say, I mean it in a nice supportive way; please try and toughen up a bit now, so by the time your baby gets to school age - school parents (mums mostly) in the school yard can be a whole different ball game… then you really will have to learn to switch off from any bitchiness. Sending unmumsnetty hugs!

SuitcaseOfWhine · 15/02/2022 07:48

I couldn't afford NCT groups for my first child but glad I didn't go, as some people I know found that more competitive mother's gravitated towards them. I didn't bother with my second. I worked pretty much full time and found it hard to keep going with anyone I met at groups and couldn't make play dates. I would say if it makes you feel better get them out of your lives, there are plenty of nice people out there. I just went to children's centre groups which were really friendly, although they seem to be like gold dust at the moment.

FWIW, I have extended breastfed my kids for years and I wish I formula fed mine. I can't wean my second who is nearly 3 and my first went to 3 despite not wanting to go that long. They never slept well either and my second still doesn't. There are a lot of downsides to breastfeeding too and I expect they will learn that soon and might not be so smug.

I really can't stand women who wear it as a badge and use it to compete with other mum's. It can be hard to bf, but bringing up any child, no matter how they are fed can be challenging too. It sounds like you are doing a great job.

UserWithNoUserName · 15/02/2022 07:48

Yes, ditch them. Horrible people.
There are other mother and baby groups out there, if you want to try some others.

Thenosleepclub · 15/02/2022 07:48

I would absolutely stop seeing them. I don't see my nct group anymore other than around town, not for any particular reason, we just grew apart. But I did find once the babies got to nearly a year there was a certain amount of competitive/performance parenting going on with some of the others and having babies all extremely close in age didn't help.
Find your mum crew elsewhere. I really recommend playgroups, yes it can be a bit scary the first week, but I met all my mum friends through a couple of play groups I went to and then friends of theirs.

londonrach · 15/02/2022 07:49

They sound horrible people. You and your D's do not need them. Don't see them again. Join a playgroup, go every week...you soon make friends. On the FF side DD was FF and best decision I ever made. She perfect weight and very bright five year old who never ill. You can not tell in her class who was FF or bf, who walked first or who talked first. Enjoy your ds and make new friends. I'm not in contact with my birth group as I was the only one without a horse!

TicTac80 · 15/02/2022 07:49

Sod them! Why on earth should they care how you feed your baby.....as long as he is fed and healthy, it doesn't matter whether FF, BF, EBF.

FWIW, I would have LOVED it if my DD (now 8) had accepted a bottle (and formula!) when she was tiny. It would have given me the opportunity to have someone else feed her from time to time (and it would have been slightly easier whilst I was at work). It may also have meant that her (frankly fucking awful) reflux would have been managed better (maybe, who knows) with a formula milk - I heard there were good ones that helped with reflux, but she wouldn't take them!!

I bloody hate this race to the bottom of who has it harder. I don't think FF feeding is easier at all: all the additional work needed to make sure bottles are sterilised etc etc etc. Both methods have their pros and cons. But who the hell gives a damn, as long as the babies are being fed.

Try not to let it get you down. If you want to stop seeing them, you can always phase things out etc. xx

PicaK · 15/02/2022 07:49

Tricky one for us to call when we weren't there.
On the face of it they sound awful. But again how much is you projecting. Its quite sadistic to invite a friend along purely to slag her off and make her feel like shit.
You don't say that you're suffering from bad nights. Do you think you could have been too breezy, too full of advice about this cos when you're sleep deprived that makes you feel murderous. (14 years on and a comment a friend made to the rest of us is still engrained in my brain. That said hormones all over the place at the time and I do love her. And I know I said stuff that was misinterpreted)
If you've nothing to lose I'd go for openness. Put on the WhatsApp group that you're feeling really down and like a bad mum about not breastfeeding and failures next to them. (layer it on a bit). Can you have some virtual hugs. How they react will really tell you how they are - an outpouring of love and support then stick with them. Radio silence or comments about relactating - Run for the hills.

RosesAndHellebores · 15/02/2022 07:50

Ditch them. The world is full of nicer people. The NCT made me feel like that 27 years ago. The local leaders were very evangelical about natural childbirth and breastfeeding. It was all a bit lentil weavery. I ran for the hills before the baby was born.

What was really sad was that I bumped onto the other women I had met briefly at the group pushing prams a few months later. They had all had c sections or very complex births. They were all really upset because they had swallowed natural childbirth hook, line and sinker. I left at the point the NCT teacher discouraged epidurals and was glared at for sharing my opinion that if pain could be avoided, avoid it as it was the 20th Century.

They are being smug and horrid op.

Fredstheteds · 15/02/2022 07:54

I couldn’t feed either- my son has no allergies as yet. Honestly they sound like the cloth nappy lot too.... I ended up with a full lecture .... baby groups can be horrid.

labyrinthlaziness · 15/02/2022 07:54

It was all a bit lentil weavery

I would just like to say I am regarded as a lentil weaver myself but would NEVER make snippy remarks like the OP is reporting, lentil weaver =/= unkind.

SilenceOfThePrams · 15/02/2022 07:55

TBh if you have the only boy, and this group is acting this way over breastfeeding vs formula, they’re likely to exclude you and your precious son later even if you stick around for now - anything he does once he’s toddling will be put down to him being a boy, not just being a baby. And then there will be the princess parties…

Your boy doesn’t need friends at this age. But you do - see if there are some different toddler/baby groups going on. We have a few run by churches locally and they are all very very friendly, with a mix of new mums and experienced parents and lovely grandparent aged volunteers who like to hold babies so you can get a hot drink, or who will just sit and tell you what a great job you’re doing.

Don’t spend time with the people who make you feel bad. If you have one or two mums from the group who are actually lovely, just ask them to come for coffee 1:1 rather than the whole group. But if they’re all like it, don’t put yourself through it any more.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 15/02/2022 07:57

Leave the WA group and never see them again!
Your baby won’t miss out, join groups, classes, etc, then there’s nursery, school, your baby will be fine!

EssexGurl · 15/02/2022 08:00

Just cut contact. I had v similar issues with my NCT group. We had moved to the area when I was pregnant so I had no local friends at that stage. NCT group were supposed to fill that gap for me. I probably put too high expectations on it. But they were awful, lots of snide comments like you had - but for different reasons. I stopped contact and never looked back. Life is too short. Enjoy your lovely boy and find real friends.

WaddesdonWanderer · 15/02/2022 08:00

Leave the group and tell them why. One lady left our group because she felt like one of the others was judging her. She only told one other mum this, and also told her she had PND. It was 15 years ago and to this day I feel bad we didn’t support her more. I was wrapped up in my own problems then though. It’s tough being a new mum and worrying you’re doing everything wrong. You need people who’ll build you up not knock you down.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/02/2022 08:01

Babies don’t need friends at this age however, mums do. Friends are supportive and make you feel better about life. These women are not your friends.

DS1 was an emergency CS and I only managed to bf for the first few days. He is now nearly 6’2” and plays rugby for his Russell Group Uni - so you can see the impact not bf had on his health, growth, intelligence. Hmm. He doesn’t have any allergies either Wink

How you feed your baby is only a tiny part of the life long journey of being a parent.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/02/2022 08:01

Just go to a different group. In 20 years tome you'll look back and feel sorry for them and laugh. You need to find your people and you haven't found them yet.

AuntieStella · 15/02/2022 08:01

They aren't friends they are friends of circumstance

This is so true. Keep seeing them if you need/want company, but keep doing different things (other classes and meet ups) and meeting other people (even just chatting to the family next to you at the park), finding more friends of circumstance so you have more options than these people, and perhaps making real friends or at least finding likeable people.

dayswithaY · 15/02/2022 08:02

Vile little people! Many years ago I struggled to get myself to an baby group. My son was about 3 weeks old, he didn't sleep, had terrible colic which made him scream in pain. I was bottle feeding and unhappy about it but he just wouldn't latch on despite my efforts.

I turned up to a room of peaceful, sleeping baby girls and a room of smug mothers. They tried to outdo each other with how long their babies slept at night. My boy had an explosive nappy and screamed the place down. One of the mothers shuddered and said:

"Thank goodness I had a girl".

I left and went home in tears. I've never forgotten how they made me feel, it was like being back at school. Cut these people off, you and your lovely boy will find people who deserve you. Look after yourself.

Hollywolly1 · 15/02/2022 08:03

Breast fed babies can indeed have allergies

Littlepaws18 · 15/02/2022 08:03

I don't understand why women get so toxic towards each other. It's your baby it's your choice. They don't need an explanation. I'm an older mom and a younger one was asking me if I did baby led weaning and when I said I didn't it was like I had said I feed him aliens from mars. I will feed my child how I wish and if you don't like it tough! Needless to say we aren't best buds!

stimpy1 · 15/02/2022 08:04

Never see these women again. Unfortunately there is a lot of competetive parenting, most of it lies. A women I work with once gave me advice on why my child wouldnt sleep through the night and made me feel very shitty. A month later I worked with her husband and found out their children hadmtvsleep through the night once. They do it to make themselves feel better. Find a mum who tells it warts and all and they will be your tribe Wink

DontWantTheRivalry · 15/02/2022 08:04

In my experience, NCT groups usually comes in hand with snide women competing with each other to see who can be the best mummy of all.

100% withdraw.

You don’t need people like that in your life.

Just leave them to get on with their lives and you focus on enjoying your gorgeous son Flowers