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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never want to speak or see my nct friends again

423 replies

emzz89x · 15/02/2022 07:05

Good morning lovely people

Just came here for some advice.
Had my first baby 7 months ago and joined an NCT class whilst pregnant . We all had our babies around the same month. We all kept in touch during our pregnancy and became really good friends.

They all had girls and I have a boy. They are all breastfeeding but unfortunately probably due to my baby being born via an emergency csection and being over 11lbs I really struggled to feed him so I had to start formula feeding as that's what made him happy.
Anyway over the last 7 months .. I feel like they are making fun of me in every aspect of motherhood .. from making comments that I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc
Yesterday I arrived home crying after one of them asked me if I'm scared that my baby might have lots of allergies due to being formula fed ... I mean WTF ! I fed him yesterday In front of them as he was really hungry and they all looked at me the entire time. Like I was feeding him poison 😩
I've been so low over this over the last few months... my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age 😢

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 15/02/2022 08:18

As a group, they sound awful.

Don't worry about ditching them - your baby doesn't need friends at that age. He will make friends when he's older through playgroups, nursery etc.

You may want some friends, or at least some people to hang out with and sympathise and support each other. These women don't sound like they fit the bill!

Find some others, try different groups or classes, there are a few apps set up to meet mum friends. It may be hit and miss. You may have to make the first move. They don't have to be lifelong best friends, just people you can spend time with who don't make you feel shit.

Or you may already have a group of other friends and family and not need anyone new.

The only thing I would say is that I was super paranoid about people judging me when I was bottle feeding. With hindsight, I don't think anyone other than me cared, they were all sleep deprived and focused on their own babies. So just be conscious in case you are picking up on something that isn't there.

OrinoccoFlew · 15/02/2022 08:18

Ah bless you, you’re doing what’s best for your baby and I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job. Ditch the lot of them and find some new friends

LadyNell · 15/02/2022 08:19

Both Hmm

BrambleRoses · 15/02/2022 08:19

If you decide to tell them why, then leave the group, you will be pushing them closer together.

That may or may not bother you but it will give them something further to bond over.

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/02/2022 08:20

Aww, do they think breastfeeding means their dc will never get health problems, sail through school & get a PhD from Oxford at 16?

Bless them.

lucylucyapplejuicy · 15/02/2022 08:20

I wouldn't waste my time with a bunch of judgmental idiots! Formula is fine and some babies are just bigger, your doing a great job. Look for some local baby groups I'm sure you'll find some new friends! I FF my 2 kids and couldn't care less what anyone has to say

gingerhills · 15/02/2022 08:21

I never joined NCT, but every group I hear about has a scapegoat. No idea why. It's weird tribal behaviour. Stop going. You have less in common with them now than during pregnancy - you have a bottle fed boy, they have breastfed girls. In these early stages, such things are all that people obsess about. I'm sure they are not wilfully being mean, but they are upsetting you and you deserve support and warm, friendly faces right now.

You will find other mum friends elsewhere. I joined a very friendly church playgroup. I also befriended the scapegoat mum of her NCT group and we met them at local coffee mornings but they were diluted by other people.

Like you I had C-section bottle fed boys - same difficulty producing milk after C-section. I can promise you it doesn't matter in the long term. Not at all. He is loved, fed, healthy and happy. In a year's time people will be obsessing about other milestones. Or they'll all have boys/C-sections second time around and come running to you as the expert.

Alyosha · 15/02/2022 08:21

If they make you feel like crap, ditch them. Just don't turn up - don't have to make it a big thing, I'd just ghost them. Not like they're lifelong friends or anything.

Sad they have that attitude, in my NCT group two of us EBF, 1 EFF and the rest of us combifed. Fortunately we never had any nasty competitiveness either and now 3 years later we're not all bosom friends but do still meet up from time to time.

PearPickingPorky · 15/02/2022 08:22

I think these women will be mortified in a few years time. Breastfeeding is hard, very hard on your body, and I think lots of women only keep going because they convince themselves it will be hugely beneficial for their baby. In reality, 99.9% of the time it doesn’t make much difference at all as by the time children are toddlers then how they were fed is a distant memory and irrelevant to almost everyone. Even at 7 months, babies should have been started on solids a month or more ago and breastfeeding is already becoming a secondary concern.

They are being sanctimonious arses, and are bigging themselves up without a care of how it's knocking you. Take a step back from the nasty ones for a while.

SmolCat · 15/02/2022 08:22

I’d tell them why. It doesn’t need to be confrontational but they should know how they’ve made you feel.

Notwithittoday · 15/02/2022 08:23

Honestly you happen to have been unlucky to hit on some nasty pieces of work there. Not everyone is like this over breastfeeding vs formula. It’s giving you a warped sense of its importance. I could only mix feed my first and it really damaged my mental health so I only did a colostrum feed with my second and was much happier.
Give these harpies a wide berth and go to some different groups Flowers

lumpofcomfort · 15/02/2022 08:23

They sound very unpleasant. I stopped seeing most members of my NCT group after a out a year. I met other parent's in different baby groups. The best place to meet people in my area was the baby and toddler group run by the church. My DC are older now and both they and I have plenty of local friends. Haven't heard from the other NCT members for years.

DickVanDyke26 · 15/02/2022 08:24

YANBU and yes cut them off. Best wishes x

BrambleRoses · 15/02/2022 08:24

Have all the groups you heard about been via MN, @gingerhills?

Because the ‘my awful NCT group judged me for not breastfeeding’ is trotted out a lot on here. It’s a bit - well, it’s a bit feeding into the ‘bitchy women’ myth.

I’ve had more judgement for trying to breastfeed anyway, with everyone from a midwife to here telling me to formula feed. That’s OK, though Hmm

Polly2345 · 15/02/2022 08:24

That's awful. Half my NCT group breastfed, half didn't. No one judged anyone.

brainhurts · 15/02/2022 08:26

I would leave this group, look around for a mother and baby or even toddler group you will soon find more supportive friends

Direwolfwrangler · 15/02/2022 08:27

I agree with your husband. There will be other groups and babies do not make friends until they are much older anyway.

I would 100% call these women out on their behaviour though. I would ask them if they thought it would be better to let your baby be hungry. And I would point out that their comments could quite easily tip someone over into PND. They are bullies and need to be told.

PurBal · 15/02/2022 08:27

These people are not your friends. Interestingly my midwife had very little positive to say about NCT (we didn’t do it in our area due to Covid and I was a bit upset about it). They’re “known” for being full of judgment. Promoting “natural” births and breastfeeding as the “best way” to the exclusion of mother and baby health in some instances. It’s all absolute garbage. I’m sorry they’ve made you feel like this but I really think they’ve fallen for the “con”. You’re doing a great job, find some other people.

MadameHeisenberg · 15/02/2022 08:28

Someone upthread mentioned smugness from a mother who ‘thanked goodness’ she had a girl. I’ve got boys and had a similar comment made about how much nicer girls are and what a shame I had only boys.

I’m afraid my response probably wasn’t my kindest hour overall but she deserved it. I told her what a shame it was that in every country on earth, the patriarchy rules and girls grow up to be second class citizens. That the World Economic Forum says we’re at least 80 years from equal pay and that as a woman, she’s far more likely to be sexually assaulted or murdered by a partner than if she was male. So overall, I’m delighted I’ve got boys. She certainly STFU, I can tell you. I did feel a bit bad afterward though as it was brutally harsh.

Still, if you can’t take it, don’t dish it out, eh?! These bitches need a taste of their own medicine, at much increased dose, to get the message.

Echobelly · 15/02/2022 08:28

Sorry you got such a horrid bunch. I never kept in touch my nct group - not they weren't nice but we did a intensive long weekend course because I had a weekly commitment and we were quite a spread out group geographically and as the only non driver I couldn't meet people easily, and I didn't really click with anyone. You can make friends elsewhere.

PurBal · 15/02/2022 08:29

I do go to a group funded by NCT by the way but wasn’t one of the formal teaching ones and it’s great. It was just some of the stuff they teach that my midwife warned against. Although maybe she was trying to make me feel better.

Thighdentitycrisis · 15/02/2022 08:29

I would tell them. It has taken me years of hidden hurt to learn this.

Next time they say something, or even if they don’t I would bring up how you feel. If you don’t tell them , they will never have the chance to change and treat you better.
E.g
“I find those comments hurtful and it makes me feel isolated from all the other breastfeeding mums in our group, I’m sure you didn’t mean that though”

Thighdentitycrisis · 15/02/2022 08:29

Ps you can still dump them after

Taswama · 15/02/2022 08:30

Are they all terrible or just a bit insensitive? I would try the Mumsnet classic 'did you mean to be so rude?' next time. And if you are friendlier with one or two in the group, see if you can meet up with them individually.
But I agree with pp that you start looking for other friends too, eg the baby bounce and rhyme (where I also met one of my good friends 10 years ago). If those events clash with an Nct meetup then go to those and just tell them you won't make it this week.

OfstedOffred · 15/02/2022 08:30

They sound like knobs. Nct friends don't often last anyway. They provide you with convenient "friends" for the first year I so but I found I made much better friends among school /preschool parents, when there's 30 sets of parents it's much more likely you'll find some you actually have things in common with than among a handful of people who happen to share a due date.

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