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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never want to speak or see my nct friends again

423 replies

emzz89x · 15/02/2022 07:05

Good morning lovely people

Just came here for some advice.
Had my first baby 7 months ago and joined an NCT class whilst pregnant . We all had our babies around the same month. We all kept in touch during our pregnancy and became really good friends.

They all had girls and I have a boy. They are all breastfeeding but unfortunately probably due to my baby being born via an emergency csection and being over 11lbs I really struggled to feed him so I had to start formula feeding as that's what made him happy.
Anyway over the last 7 months .. I feel like they are making fun of me in every aspect of motherhood .. from making comments that I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc
Yesterday I arrived home crying after one of them asked me if I'm scared that my baby might have lots of allergies due to being formula fed ... I mean WTF ! I fed him yesterday In front of them as he was really hungry and they all looked at me the entire time. Like I was feeding him poison 😩
I've been so low over this over the last few months... my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age 😢

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 15/02/2022 07:22

Yeah ditch the mean girls and look for a new group.

Bunce1 · 15/02/2022 07:22

What a bunch of idiots.

I used to go to a group and there was one woman a real breast is best/attachment baby’s wearer lentil weaving woman who constantly went on and on about how vital it was to breast feed etc. I used to let it wash over me until she said that people who used child care were abandoning their children. Then I lost my shit. Stupid woman. She didn’t work, her husband was wealthy and long suffering.

Some people are just twats. Shame you’ve met a gaggle of them.

Formula fed? Means fed. People need to get over it.

Leave the group, they are not worth your company.

FlamingoQueen · 15/02/2022 07:23

‘I’m sorry, but I can’t see you again. I have to put my own health first and you have all made me feel shit’
Send them something like this. I struggle to understand why people are like this - you will find other friends who can see that you have a gorgeous son who you are a fabulous Mum to. Perhaps they are jealous of you!

snowdropsanddaffodils · 15/02/2022 07:24

They aren't friends they are friends of circumstance - NCT is like the first week in halls of residence all over again - desperate to form friendships and not be the Billy no mates

If you want the friendships I'd speak to them though? Perhaps they are just making conversation (albeit not tactfully!) and you are actually feeling sensitive about it all and so are taking it as an attack?

Pamlar · 15/02/2022 07:24

Life is just too short for that level of judgemental shite. Just ignore avoid and don't look back. Your son will not remember or care and he will make friends with other babies.
Seriously, you have had a traumatic birth, huge baby and difficult exp feeding. Give yourself a break. Cut them loose and don't look back.
If you don't want to draw attention just lay low and then leave whatever group you're on in a few weeks.
I say this as someone who passionately believes in breastfeeding if you can. But more importantly that all mothers do what works for them.

Hadjab · 15/02/2022 07:24

With the greatest will in the world, your seven month old baby does not have friends, so that’s not a legitimate excuse to not dump these toxic fiends from your life. However, you may want to work on your resilience in regards to your parenting. You’ve made the choices you feel are best for your baby, don’t let anyone bully you into thinking you’re wrong.

TEH82 · 15/02/2022 07:24

If they are too self absorbed to see everyone has a different journey in motherhood and respect that they are not true friends. Becoming a new mum is hard enough with judgement from ‘friends’ find another group and don’t look back

BeMoreGoldfish · 15/02/2022 07:25

I FF both mine and funnily enough my least judgemental friends were my NCT group! We’re still friends now 15 years later. Lots of other mums judged though - but looking back I realise an awful lot of nonsense is talked about the so called benefits of breast feeding. Enjoy your son, feed him how you want and find new friends Flowers.

Starlightstarbright1 · 15/02/2022 07:25

I hate people like this...i always say there are soooo many different ways to raise a child.

You are doing fabulous... trust your instinct loose the nct people..

They aren't helping/ supporting you.

They are lots of nice people with babies .. people that make you feel happier

ClaraTheCelebrityPachyderm · 15/02/2022 07:25

These women are not your friends. They think your baby is big due to breastfeeding, when he was 11lb born?! So, bitchy and not very bright either - not qualities I look for in a friend. Both of my DC were formula fed (in the days when this was the norm) and neither have any allergies. In contrast, my granddaughter who was EBF by my daughter has several allergies. Would anyone say it's because she was EBF? Of course not.

There will be other groups locally, with less judgey parents. Are you going back to work?

Greygreenblue · 15/02/2022 07:25

You definitely need new mum friends. Or actually no mum friends would be better than this lot. Your son does not need friends right now. He’s a baby. He’ll make friends at playgroup/nursery/daycare/school. So don’t worry about him. He sounds like he’s thriving. Fed is best and these women don’t know what they are talking about.

Darbs76 · 15/02/2022 07:25

Your DH is right, they are toxic and are being ridiculous. I BF one child for 8 months then had major problems with the second and had to FF from 3wks, so they might not be so smug if they realise it’s not always that easy for people. It’s disgusting judging you for how you feed your baby. I’d just stop contact and if they enquire why tell them they are all toxic

Velvian · 15/02/2022 07:26

That was a really shit comment from the other mum. However, I wonder if there is a bit of envy there. Mum's are really pressured to breastfeed, even at the expense of their own wellbeing. I would guess that the comment was far more about her and her own insecurities, than it was about you.

I expect those in the group that are BF feel like they can't move to bottles even if they really want to and it would be best for them and their baby.

StewPots · 15/02/2022 07:26

Both mine were formula fed and NEVER slept through the night until they were at least 2.5…. Both made friends in nursery / childcare, I never went to one single playgroup thing and played with them at home.

Both have become bright, kind, insightful DC and are surrounded by people who are also the same. Don’t bother with these women anymore - life is too short to waste it on wankers!

De88 · 15/02/2022 07:27

He's 7 months old... he has PLENTY of time to make friends. Fuck these people Flowers

Landlubber2019 · 15/02/2022 07:27

Run and take cover.... These people are not your friends.

Ime it will only get worse particularly as the babies develop and grow. Don't waste any more of your time and find a more inclusive and friendly crew XXX

Bunnycat101 · 15/02/2022 07:28

The NCT group is for the benefit of the mums. If you’re not getting any benefit then just gradually stop going. No-one will care how your baby is fed soon but there will be other milestones that can create competitiveness. If they’re the sort of people who already make you feel shit, just wait until they start walking, talking etc.

But, there is also a chance you’re being overly sensitive: I struggled when I couldn’t breastfeed and may well have misinterpreted comments eg are they really looking at you like you’re feeding the baby poison?

thebigpurpleone · 15/02/2022 07:30

What a load of shit. They aren't your friends. Do you have hartbeeps classes near you? I met lovely women there.

FishFingerSandwiches4Tea · 15/02/2022 07:30

@Kbyodjs

If you feel that you were good friends with them then I’d speak to them about it; do you have a group chat where you can explain how you feel? My NCT group all breastfed and I did initially then started formula feeding and I thought one mum was judging me but she then told me privately that she was actually really jealous as her baby wouldnt take a bottle at 6 months and she couldn’t go anywhere without the baby and was feeding multiple times at night whereas I could go out for a few hours without worrying and my DH could help etc You’ll know from their reactions and how they are next time you see them whether you want to be friends with them or maybe just one or two of them
^^ This.

I say this kindly, but you clearly feel you need to justify why you weren't able to breastfeed so I suspect it is a sore subject for you. Viewing their behaviour through this lens, particularly when all the rest of them are breastfeeding might cloud your view. As the pp above said, they may well have been watching you in envy! The comment about allergies was uncalled for, but maybe she is viewing you feeding your happy chilled baby, who clearly has no weight gain concerns, while feeling shattered from another night where she's been woken throughout to feed? Not justifying her comment BTW, just trying to make the point that we all view things through our own lens.

Ultimately, if they make you feel like shit then stop seeing them. But if they have been good friends surely telling them how you feel is worth a shot? Motherhood can be lonely as it is without isolating yourself unnecessarily Flowers

AteAllTheBourbons · 15/02/2022 07:30

Put those fuckers in the bin, congratulations on your baby x

Mouldyfeet · 15/02/2022 07:33

My son was formula fed because I nearly died in childbirth and ended up in ITU.

Out of all my friends children, mine rarely gets sick. He doesn’t have any allergies. The breast fed babies have asthma, hay fever and get more coughs/colds than mine. He’s 12, very healthy and has had to go to school throughout Covid and has never caught it.

Ignore their stupid, Ill informed comments. Tell they are upsetting you. I’d find better friends though.

LazySaturday · 15/02/2022 07:36

They sound awful and they're dragging you down by confirming your own insecurities it sounds like.
If I were you I would just stop. Don't flounce, don't make excuses or try a gradual fade out. There's no need, they're not real friends and you don't owe them anything.
Just stop going to meet ups, delete yourself from any virtual "groups" and get on with your life.
If by of them contact you to ask why just tell them politely that it wasn't for you and you've got other things on.
You'll meet other mum friends at different types of mother and baby/toddler and hopefully you'll find somebody you click with more.

HaveringWavering · 15/02/2022 07:37

It is very easy to stop seeing people you dislike. Just minute tehbWhatsApp, send vague apologies to the next few meet-ups “Sorry can’t make it!” then stop engaging altogether.

Your baby doesn’t give a monkeys about friends. This will come later with nursery.

HaveringWavering · 15/02/2022 07:37

Mute the WhatsApp.

Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 15/02/2022 07:38

Get rid of them and enjoy your gorgeous baby. He was born big so of course he's bigger. Stupid women.

I'm a teacher and in any class of 5 year olds I have no idea which children were breastfed and which were formula fed