To never want to speak or see my nct friends again

[emzz89x]

Good morning lovely people

Just came here for some advice.
Had my first baby 7 months ago and joined an NCT class whilst pregnant . We all had our babies around the same month. We all kept in touch during our pregnancy and became really good friends.

They all had girls and I have a boy. They are all breastfeeding but unfortunately probably due to my baby being born via an emergency csection and being over 11lbs I really struggled to feed him so I had to start formula feeding as that's what made him happy.
Anyway over the last 7 months .. I feel like they are making fun of me in every aspect of motherhood .. from making comments that I wouldn't understand what a tough night feeding a newborn is to the fact that my baby is so big due to me formula feeding etc
Yesterday I arrived home crying after one of them asked me if I'm scared that my baby might have lots of allergies due to being formula fed ... I mean WTF ! I fed him yesterday In front of them as he was really hungry and they all looked at me the entire time. Like I was feeding him poison 😩
I've been so low over this over the last few months... my DH suggests I never meet them again as they are toxic for me.. but how do I stop seeing them all of a sudden? Should I just stop going to these meet ups? I don't want my baby to miss out on having friends his age 😢

No @MrsPelligrinoPetrichor but declaring NCT a cult and everyone who goes a twat (presumably except the poor op) is surely saying that because they haven't experienced it (friendship, kindness etc) that it doesn't happen. I object to being called a twat, a bitch etc because everyone who goes must be one because more people moan on MN about a bad experience than a good one

Bin these arseholes off! Nasty pieces of work! I very much doubt THEY are perfect mothers!

Such groups really aren't for the babies at 7 months he really won't even notice much less care!

Find another group, post on here stating roughly what area you're in to get recommendations maybe or check local fb pages

Have you no other friends that are parents?

This brings to mind my experience where I went to a local mum & toddler group I was recommended - they made a real point of getting my address out of me purely so they knew what kind of housing I was in. Then turned their noses up and wouldn't interact with either me or dd.

I was much less bolshy then! I left in tears and broke my heart at home. Then husband was livid! It was a church group and he wanted to report to the vicar which I told him not to - wish I'd let him now!!

Actually now I'd have called them a bunch of insufferable snobs I wouldn't want anything to do with anyway and walked away head high...but with age comes confidence the skill of being a couldn't care less gobshite

I bf dd initially but had to switch to ff around 10 months. All my friends and family have done a variety of feeding methods, which nappies they used, whether they used dummies or co-slept etc... never judged any of them for such choices it's whatever works for you and baby.

Bf after a section is HARD it takes longer for milk to kick in and build supply for a number of reasons. Something I didn't learn until later. I just was bloody minded about everything I wanted to do! Except I'd have liked to be able to express but unfortunately I never got more than a dribble!

I had a big baby too but a girl so not quite as big as yours at over 9lbs which may not sound huge but both me and her dad are "petite" or at least I was then! certainly height wise, I'm 5'2" he's only 5'5"! Dd is over 6 ft and hasn't stopped growing yet! We learned MUCH later this is one of the factors of her disability that is genetic but wasn't dx till she was much older.

A friend of mine used to get comments about her big baby as she's teeny and he was nearly 12lbs! Her husband/baby's father is HUGE as is all his family inc the women, dad is 6'10" and built like a brick outhouse! so then when people met dad after meeting baby they were like "ok now I get it" said baby now 20 and towers over his mum but she still puts him in his place when needed

Night feeding is tough WHATEVER the method! Quite honestly I found ff at night the worst! Total pita! All the different feeding methods have pros and cons

It's an absolute bloody myth that all formula fed babies sleep through the night.

Yep! I've cared for TONS of babies inc overnights (ex nanny and childminder too) it's total nonsense this myth!

My dd is now a long streak of 21 and doing fine despite not being ebf for 10 years! Also despite the fact she was actually tube fed initially (v poorly when born) and she has plenty of friends - too bloody many!

He didn't sleep through the night till 18 months

Oh god mine didn't sleep through until she bloody started school!

Aren't you worried you'll be hit?

NCT is like the first week in halls of residence all over again

Omg spot on

Honestly op it's their loss - they WILL hit something in their parenting they struggle with at some point and they won't be able to rely on the rest of this group to truly support them I don't think

Absolutely just stop meeting them. Maybe just not be able to make the next few meetups, but let it fade. It's not worth it. I made this mistake with a group of mums i met when my daughter was born. It took me 4 years to realise they were making me ill. I just stopped turning up to stuff and it was by far the best parenting decision i made!

Honestly my NCT group was like that 30..yes 30 years ago... !
I'm now doing the rounds of baby groups again because I look after my 9 months old Grandson a few days a week and just like years ago, the nicest ones seem to be the ones at the local church.. just friendly and non judgemental.

You'll meet different mum friends at different times and in different ways.. one of my oldest friends is one I met on a local park where she was looking depressed with a 2 year old and a newborn, and I had a 3 yr old, 2 yr old and baby and we just looked at each other and said' this is grim isn't it this parenting lark?' Instant bond...

Mine were formula fed after a week or so and managed to be healthy, allergy free adults with good jobs (Doctor, Nurse etc)

My EBF grandson however now has horrible eczema sincw he started solids....so it certainly didn't prevent allergies!!!!

They sound mental, cast them adrift.

I've never met an absolute parenting nightmare who doesn't belong to an NCT group. It wasn't for me, I realised very quickly, when I was admonished for being unable to effectively breastfeed my tongue tied baby and told I was a failure. Those exact words. I persisted for months until we were both ill because of those stupid bitches.

Years later I do wonder what they would have made of my autistic son who was an absolute nightmare baby from birth and even screamed when he was feeding. Oh and being told that if I didn't purée my own food and store it in ice cube trays I could only expect horrific life limiting illnesses for my child going forward.

You don't need people like this in your life, it's a cult. I have spent years telling friends to avoid it and have come across many like you. Find a local group, while you may encounter the odd twat, I can guarantee you'll find a much nicer group of friends.

@SleepingStandingUp

No *@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor* but declaring NCT a cult and everyone who goes a twat (presumably except the poor op) is surely saying that because they haven't experienced it (friendship, kindness etc) that it doesn't happen. I object to being called a twat, a bitch etc because everyone who goes must be one because more people moan on MN about a bad experience than a good one

Sorry, I've just said all those things in my post. Stand by it 100%.

@emzz89x

The comments about the weaning being next make me laugh as we have all started weaning recently& one of these mothers is starting to grow her own veg to feed the baby 😂😅 I can't compete with that 😂

Tell them you couldn’t possibly feed your precious baby food that the local cats have pissed on 😂

They sound like complete smug twats, your baby isn't going to need friends for a while yet and theres lots of play groups etc you can join for that, dump them, i bottle fed both my DDs and they're never sick and no allergies

Sorry, I've just said all those things in my post. Stand by it 100%.
Well I never managed to get DS to bf, nor the subsequent twins, and given he's (now only partly) tube fed I couldn't give a damn how you fed them, was only jealous if it was orally. But yeah, clearly that makes me a cult following twat. And op, although not sure she's one when she's struggling with the other mothers. Perhaps you'd care to explain to her why she is.

@SleepingStandingUp

Sorry, I've just said all those things in my post. Stand by it 100%. Well I never managed to get DS to bf, nor the subsequent twins, and given he's (now only partly) tube fed I couldn't give a damn how you fed them, was only jealous if it was orally. But yeah, clearly that makes me a cult following twat. And op, although not sure she's one when she's struggling with the other mothers. Perhaps you'd care to explain to her why she is.

Again, I reiterate, my experiences and literally everybody I know who has been involved with NCT is negative. I'm sorry, it's just fact. I acknowledge your very difficult situation and I am very glad it's worked for you. I would suggest you're in the minority. I wish you well regardless.

I just don't understand how every one who goes can be so awful and yet everyone you know who's gone has had negative experiences. That's my point. Presumably as you know so many people who hated it, they aren't like the women you met or the people op met, they're like my friend and me who sit in the park drinking wine and discussing our kids problems at school and how hard parenting is. Surely if everyone who goes is so culty, they'd all be happy and culty together. Or its made up of lots of different women, just like playgroups etc, some of whom sit there judging me trying to sort out toddler twins and some who hand me their babywipes and a nappy cos i forgot ours. And the people who tend to wax lyrical, just like in anything else, are the unhappy ones. Hence so few posts about how amazing marriage is, how great work is, how wonderful MIL is etc.

Anyway, you and OP are both better without them, and i'm sorry they had such an impact on you. i do hope that people like that have an awakening with their second kids. Nothing serious - just enough to make them contrite and kinder.

OP - please relax about formula feeding. It's perfectly healthy for babies. Myself, my brother and my daughter as well as many other members of my immediate family have all been formula-fed from birth and we're all tall and very healthy (touch wood) with zero allergies. Tell those women to FO and never see them again.

Babies don't need friends their own age

I ended up despising my NCT clique. I too had to formula feed DC1 due to a difficult birth and although I was grieving about it, I wound up having to defend myself to them. Like I'd taken an easy option at the expense of my baby. My dad then died a few months after my baby was born and they offered no support whatsoever. Totally self-absorbed. I removed them all from my social media and ghosted them. Best decision ever.

Just to add I breastfed my second and third babies but 10 years later DC1 has been far and away my healthiest and most independent child. While I can't attribute that to formula feeding him, I can certainly say that it hasn't affected him negatively in any way especially when comparing to my breastfed DC's. Currently pg with DC4 and seriously considering at least mixed feeding, selfishly just because they have a lot of siblings and cousins who would be desperate to help me out and give me a break when it comes to the feeds!

Eurgh. They are the worst. Smug judgy mothers. There are supportive people out there. I would have nothing more to do with these people who just want to drag you down so they can feel better about themselves.

I am so surprised to hear about how many nct groups are judgemental! I very lucky with the group I met. Op I hope you find your confidence to walk away. All that matters is you and your child is happy!

@caranations

I went to one NCT meeting when I was not far off dropping dc1, never to return.

Bunch of dungaree-wearing crochet-your-own-breastmilk mumsy-wumsy nutters.

I avoided nct classes with my first and for second and third didn’t need them so can’t comment on the analogy you’ve provided

All I would say is that some of these breastfeeding comments are as harmful and destabilising as the snarky ones made to formula feeding mothers.
I have been breastfeeding pretty much constantly since 2014 with a few months break with my late second and late third pregnancies. I’ve just finished more or less weaning my four year old.
I couldn’t be more pro breastfeeding if I tried. But I’ve never once told someone else that’s how they should feed their baby or judged a formula feeding mother.
I also can’t crochet l, don’t buy anything organic except meat and don’t own a pair of dungarees.
Comments like that are just adding nothing to what is a diary serious issue: the monotonous women bashing other women saga.

• to what is a VERY not diary- although if it has been dairy that would have been an amazing pun given the milky nature of this thread

@Legoisaws8om

I am so surprised to hear about how many nct groups are judgemental! I very lucky with the group I met. Op I hope you find your confidence to walk away. All that matters is you and your child is happy!

I think we hear most about the awful ones. Plenty are fine - mine were all right, we didn’t end up keeping in touch but it’s not because any of them were horrible. But that doesn’t make for a very interesting post.

@Fluffycloudland77

Aww, do they think breastfeeding means their dc will never get health problems, sail through school & get a PhD from Oxford at 16?

Bless them.

To be fair a lot of MN seems to think this…

Me and the women I met at prenatal group are still friends 15 years on. Mixture of caesarean and vaginal birth, bf and ff. there is a picture of me at one of our meet ups bf my daughter on one arm and ff my friends son next to me while she dealt with her toddler!

Comments like that are just adding nothing to what is a serious issue: the monotonous women bashing other women saga.

Quite. Seems only on MN is it acceptable to declare thousands of women as all being twats because they took the same "course" or whatever you want to call it. Imagine saying I'd never met a maths teacher I liked so anyone who teaches maths must be a total arse hole. I know because I've never met anyone who told me how great their maths teacher was.