Dads joining coffee group

[CaptainMyCaptainn]

So I strongly suspect I’m being UR and probably need a resounding yes to give me a head wobble.

A weekly coffee / lunch meet up in a pub for mums started a few months ago. It was advertised as mums and mums to be and it’s been a great space to meet other mums and talk about everything from boobs and PND to holidays.

Someone recently asked if there’s a similar group for dads and then all of a sudden, dads were being added to the WhatsApp group and have started to come. Today, one came on his own as he left sleeping baby at home with mum. I personally think it changes the dynamic to have men but I think I’m being UR here. Just hoping that whilst I’m UR, it’s understandable.

Just to add, there are dads who come to other baby groups I go to and it’s completely ok, and I happily chat to them. But it’s this particular one where it’s more of a support group that feels uncomfortable.

Do dads not need support too?

@Peas252

Do dads not need support too?

Of course they do! But surely not in a predominantly female space.

YANBU.

As you say, it was advertised for mums & mums-to-be. And that's fine

Of course it changes the dynamic

Today, one came on his own

Bit weird imo. Wild horses wouldn't have dragged my DH to this!

I think it’s totally fair enough to just have one group that’s women only.

Probably not very progressive, work or inclusive of me to think that though.

Not unreasonable at all to want a Mums only space. If Dads need support too they are free to set up their own male only or mixed group.

WOKE sorry not work.

And DH would run three miles in the other direction to avoid something like this, he gets enough of me moaning about the loss of my perky boobs and the fact that I feel like I’m in a sleep torture experiment at home.

Well, what kind of group is it? I can see that women only groups would be useful where things like breastfeeding, birth injuries etc are considered, even damage to careers due to having children.

But if it's just for parenting small children then I think the more men involved the better. I know I do lots of chatting (and venting!) about small children than DH does and I think he really misses out by not having that.

Women will never have equality until men take on half of the parenting burden. If women need support with that, then so will they.

@Peas252

Do dads not need support too?

Why can’t they create their own Dads group though? I wouldn’t want to discuss anything personal about my boobs or anything else with men there (who isn’t my DP) I agree with you OP.

Personally it wouldn' t bother me as l know a couple of young widowed fathers raising young children alone and to be fair there isnt alot in the way of support out there for them. Plus l find mixed groups more interesting.

The poor dad who came didnt know he would be the only one. It changed the dynamics but maybe it would be kinder if your group could help set up a daddy or couples group.

It’s weird to come without the baby.

But I think you are being a little unreasonable - it sounds like this wasn’t advertised as a support group for discussion around breastfeeding, PND, other personal issues etc, but that it became that? If so, I can see why a dad wouldn’t really realise it wasn’t for him. I totally agree female only groups are important, but from what you’ve said, I don’t blame a man for thinking that wasn’t what this was, and it sounds like it wasn’t what the organisers intended, if they’ve now allowed me to come? (Unless I’ve misunderstood what was advertised?)

YANBU they’ll barge in anywhere they can because it’s ‘their right’ and no one will say no and are obvious to what the space is for.

Doubt they’d want you at their golf meet ups or wherever else they meet up and complain about their wives and the unfairness of it all.

YANBU. Coming on his own?!

So basically it's now a meet up for the vast majority of people who live locally, as most will have children?

Fair enough if he came with a baby but on his own is bloody weird.

I would give the organisers feedback, that you no longer feel comfortable going, and ask if there can be a women only week. You won't be the only one and hopefully they learn to put boundaries around it.

*men, not me.

Not unreasonable at all.
The Dads should set up their own group.

There is a space for all different groups, some for mums and mums to be, some for dads and some for a mix. You need to decide what this group is and gain agreement or set up another group if others want it both sexes.

@Peas252 - Do dads not need support too?

If dad's need a group and need support then they are more than welcome to setup their own group. Men need to understand that they cannot just gate crash women's groups.

If it's advertised as a coffee/lunch meet up then it's not like it's a breastfeeding support group or something that has been set up to focus on mums issues only. I think you're being really unfriendly. It's easy to say "oh the dad's should set up their own" but the number of men with primary caring responsibilities is lower than that of mums and anyway realistically the vast majority of issues you face as a parent are the same regardless of the gender of the parent.

@MindyStClaire

Well, what kind of group is it? I can see that women only groups would be useful where things like breastfeeding, birth injuries etc are considered, even damage to careers due to having children.

But if it's just for parenting small children then I think the more men involved the better. I know I do lots of chatting (and venting!) about small children than DH does and I think he really misses out by not having that.

Women will never have equality until men take on half of the parenting burden. If women need support with that, then so will they.

It was set up and advertised as a weekly meet. But it’s become a group where women talk about everything from establishing breastfeeding, childbirth, childbirth trauma, and periods to treatment for conjunctivitis and blocked noses. So it’s hard to differentiate between the two when it’s just a weekly group.

Sounds like a good support network - I can understand why dads might want to join too! Similar to mumsnet, it's not only mums on here.

Could it be a rotation, one week everyone's welcome, next week mums only or similar?

The thing is that it is females who go through pregnancy, childbirth and breast feeding, and it is usual to want to discuss what you've been through, much of which you only want to discuss with others who have been through similar experiences. So while Dads do need support, they can get that elsewhere, a Dad's group perhaps. I certainly would not have discusses my cracked nipples or torn perineum with males around, and Im sure Dads probably want to discuss the lack of sex, tips on how to genuinely get out of dealing with night wakings and other such areas that Dad's experience during their partner's pregnancy and childbirth etc.

Parenting group - fine
Mother's support group - not ok

Yanbu

I like to see men a playgroups and one we attend is led by a man. But support groups in the newborn days? Mostly about tits and vaginas.

Men change the dynamic no matter what the topics are. How did the other mums seem to feel about it?
Men should have support too, but half the reason they don't is because they don't set it up themselves.
I'd try and gauge the feeling of the group and go from there, maybe setting up another female only, or asking the men to set up their own group, is he the partner of one of the mums who usually comes?

Ugh, men just can't resist, can they?

YANBU. Start a new WhatsApp group with the women who didn't whinge "what about the mennnnn" and keep it women's only.