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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dads joining coffee group

499 replies

CaptainMyCaptainn · 14/02/2022 14:25

So I strongly suspect I’m being UR and probably need a resounding yes to give me a head wobble.

A weekly coffee / lunch meet up in a pub for mums started a few months ago. It was advertised as mums and mums to be and it’s been a great space to meet other mums and talk about everything from boobs and PND to holidays.

Someone recently asked if there’s a similar group for dads and then all of a sudden, dads were being added to the WhatsApp group and have started to come. Today, one came on his own as he left sleeping baby at home with mum. I personally think it changes the dynamic to have men but I think I’m being UR here. Just hoping that whilst I’m UR, it’s understandable.

Just to add, there are dads who come to other baby groups I go to and it’s completely ok, and I happily chat to them. But it’s this particular one where it’s more of a support group that feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaptainMyCaptainn · 14/02/2022 14:39

To be fair to the men, it’s their partners who have invited them along and added them to the WhatsApp group because they’re on paternity / shared parental and want to meet other dads. And there was talk about setting up a separate WhatsApp group for men but it never took hold.

OP posts:
RuralRita · 14/02/2022 14:40

@MayThePawsBeWithYou

The poor dad who came didnt know he would be the only one. It changed the dynamics but maybe it would be kinder if your group could help set up a daddy or couples group.
Why on Earth does the OP need to be "kind" and set up a group for the dads? Bimey if the dads want their own group they can set it up themselves!

And I do find it very strange a dad comes alone without the baby!!

SartresSoul · 14/02/2022 14:40

YANBU. It’s a Mum’s group, advertised for Mum’s so should be females only.

Trapiche · 14/02/2022 14:40

Yanbu. Of course dads can attend a support group. They can set up a mixed or single sex one themselves any time they like.

Catrice · 14/02/2022 14:42

YABU....personally I think dads should be welcomed along in the group as much as mums.

Mollysocks · 14/02/2022 14:43

Why on Earth does the OP need to be "kind" and set up a group for the dads? Bimey if the dads want their own group they can set it up themselves!

I know! These men who own companies and deal with customers and profits and million pound contracts… can’t set up a Dads group! 🙄 I’d leave them to it but then I’ve had enough of this BS

babyjellyfish · 14/02/2022 14:44

I don't know whether YABU or not.

When I was on maternity leave I made friends with lots of local mums and had quite the social life. Then I went back to work and my husband took parental leave and he didn't have anyone and was quite lonely.

Is this dad on parental leave?

VivX · 14/02/2022 14:44

YANBU. It was advertised as a mum's group. And yes, it is weird that a dad came along without the baby. Why doesn't he set up a dad group for those on paternity leave.

ManicPixie · 14/02/2022 14:45

Clearly there are conflicting expectations about what it’s for. Personally I’d welcome more dads engaging with mums, but if that’s not within the meeting’s remit then you might have to set up another group where it’s more explicitly stated.

JustLyra · 14/02/2022 14:46

If it was advertsised as a Mums group then they shouldn't be there. If it was a parents group then they're fine.

I don't understand why women don't think about this before inviting their partners along with no regard for the other women.

DH was widowed when his first wife died and DS1 was a very young toddler. He joined parent groups and set up a Dads group. Wouldn't have dreamed of making women feel uncomfortable at a Mums group.

BlingLoving · 14/02/2022 14:46

Broadly, as someone with a DH who was a SAHD when our DC were small, I'm all in favour of parenting groups being mixed sense. Certainly, DH took the DC to activities and my NCT friends would often include him if they were heading to soft play or for a walk.

Having said that, there's a big difference between kids activities, parent support group and mother support groups. Kids activities, clearly anyone and everyone who is a carer for a child (whether nanny, parent, grandparent, random babysitter) can attend. Parent support groups, definitely fine for mums and dads. Mother support groups, especially those pitched to specifically discuss being a mother.... should really be kept to mothers only.

The fact that other women were inviting their partners suggests however that they didn't see the chat as particularly female focused? Perhaps it's developed over time (eg in early weeks of NCT meet ups it absolutely was all about b breast feeding and birth stories. By the time DH was meeting up with them sometimes, they were talking weening and the like).

Phormiumjester · 14/02/2022 14:47

I think it depends if the group is about the children or the mothers.

So, a playgroup or toddler group or baby sensory / weigh clinic whatever, then yes, we need to allow & welcome dads or we'll always be unequal parents by and large.

But a group for MUMS, should be that. Let them have a separate dad session.

Redwinestillfine · 14/02/2022 14:48

I would be pissed off. Can you set up another one and call it breastfeeding and post birth body support group or something

RonCarlos · 14/02/2022 14:48

I can see how it could be both reasonable or unreasonable.

Rewritethestars1 · 14/02/2022 14:49

I think the fact that he came without the baby is rather odd.

dworky · 14/02/2022 14:50

@Peas252

Do dads not need support too?
If they feel the need for support, it's up to them to organise their own group support, not leech off women's. Do you generally believe it's up to women to do everything?
Dumbledoressister · 14/02/2022 14:50

YANBU. This would irritate me as it changes the vibe. But I don't think there's anything you can do about it though!

Redwinestillfine · 14/02/2022 14:51

Maybe on the first post just say can we keep this a female only space please to have that comfortable space to vent?

Original poster
CaptainMyCaptainn · 14/02/2022 14:52

I guess the distinction on the type of group makes a difference here and explains how I feel. I go to a couple of baby activity groups and there are dads on their own and I don’t even flinch. I happily chat to them.

But I guess because this feels more like a support group for women, it feels wrong to me.

I’m glad it’s not just me who feels this way!

OP posts:
Beamur · 14/02/2022 14:52

@Rewritethestars1

I think the fact that he came without the baby is rather odd.
Yes. This is weird.
KrisAkabusi · 14/02/2022 14:55

If the group didn't want men there, then they shouldn't have been invited. When men's presence was being discussed, that was your opportunity to say that you wanted the group to be for women only.

Phormiumjester · 14/02/2022 14:55

@CaptainMyCaptainn

I guess the distinction on the type of group makes a difference here and explains how I feel. I go to a couple of baby activity groups and there are dads on their own and I don’t even flinch. I happily chat to them.

But I guess because this feels more like a support group for women, it feels wrong to me.

I’m glad it’s not just me who feels this way!

Absolutely. I say this as someone whose husband was a SAHD and met some of our best friends at suitable toddler clubs!

But he wouldn't have waded into a mums' support group. There's a line. It's quite a clear one too.

Unless the other mums see it purely as a social event? Rather than support.

FebruaryFest · 14/02/2022 14:56

Coming without child on their own is just making a point I think:

It's a dad's space now too.

FOJN · 14/02/2022 14:57

The poor dad who came didnt know he would be the only one. It changed the dynamics but maybe it would be kinder if your group could help set up a daddy or couples group.

Yes that's right, women should establish what the needs of men are and put everything in place to make sure they are met. Almost every powerful organisation and institution in society is dominated by men but they can't set up a coffee morning for themselves?

Be kind can get to fuck.

Sometimes women want something for themselves, why shouldn't they have it?

grapewine · 14/02/2022 14:58

it would be kinder if your group could help set up a daddy or couples group.

Geuinely, why is it women's task to do this for fathers and fathers to be? This being kind stuff is often just adding more work for women.