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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dads joining coffee group

499 replies

CaptainMyCaptainn · 14/02/2022 14:25

So I strongly suspect I’m being UR and probably need a resounding yes to give me a head wobble.

A weekly coffee / lunch meet up in a pub for mums started a few months ago. It was advertised as mums and mums to be and it’s been a great space to meet other mums and talk about everything from boobs and PND to holidays.

Someone recently asked if there’s a similar group for dads and then all of a sudden, dads were being added to the WhatsApp group and have started to come. Today, one came on his own as he left sleeping baby at home with mum. I personally think it changes the dynamic to have men but I think I’m being UR here. Just hoping that whilst I’m UR, it’s understandable.

Just to add, there are dads who come to other baby groups I go to and it’s completely ok, and I happily chat to them. But it’s this particular one where it’s more of a support group that feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Severntrent · 14/02/2022 15:42

There may be a case for some women only events, but this does not sound like one of them. Think of how this would feel if you were on the receiving end. We need to make sure it is as acceptable for a man to be at home with a child as it is a woman.

I can see why you feel a bit disappointed but I agree with above and it should have been made clearer earlier on that it was mums only.

Ugh I’m sorry OP. Of course men change the dynamic. They interrupt more, talk louder, don’t ask questions of quiet people, etc. I'm sorry you know such a lot of awful men. I have met plenty of women like that, and men too. But lots who aren't like that at all!

SamphiretheStickerist · 14/02/2022 15:42

Well, what kind of group is it? Fairly certain OP explained that...

Lockheart · 14/02/2022 15:42

It's a coffee and lunch meetup in a pub.

I wouldn't want to hear about anyone's mastitis or periods over lunch, thank you.

Coffee and lunch groups aren't specific. I think it's fine.

TheUsualChaos · 14/02/2022 15:44

Of course you're not being unreasonable and of course it changes the dynamic. It's so important for women to have the chance to talk to other women going through the same changes and challenges in life. Yes Dad's often need support too but do they want to discuss the same things as women would with other women?
But seems to be becoming an unpopular opinion to want women only groups and spaces and we are to put up with men involving themselves as they please.

SamphiretheStickerist · 14/02/2022 15:46

@Moonface123

Personally it wouldn' t bother me as l know a couple of young widowed fathers raising young children alone and to be fair there isnt alot in the way of support out there for them. Plus l find mixed groups more interesting.
Then there should be more than one group. Really easy to organise, just facebook, whatsapp message etc. Whatever it was those who sarted this group did.

Advertise it as a parent and baby group. Be open to anyone with a baby who needs support.

Advertise it as a dads and babies group - an ex colleague did that many years ago and had a great group of men who attended every week. Loads of support, days out etc. Doubly beneficial for some as they always took the babies, leaving mums at home with some quality time off baby duties.

Then everyone has more than one goup to attend. More choice. And nobody impinges on the feeling of anyine ele merely by attending.

Easy enough if you really think about it.

Mollysocks · 14/02/2022 15:47

Perfect I thought, something cheap and local on a Saturday morning that their Dad and I can take them to. Only when we got there we were told it was for dads only. But there were mums there. I could see them. Turns out they were there to set up/ clear away/make tea and coffee and keep an eye on the kids while the dads relaxed.

Shock To be honest these women were just happy facilitating these lazy men, some women are just happy being men’s servants 🙄

WeAllHaveWings · 14/02/2022 15:47

Send a message to the whatsapp group and say what you have said here. You have enjoyed the group and it was a great support group where you were comfortable talking about womens issues but it now appears to have changed track and you are uncomfortable talking about some things now. Can you get confirmation on how they see they group going forward.

If they reply and say it is a parenting group not just a mums group now, thank them for the clarification then invite everyone else to join you in another whatsapp/the pub for a new mums only group.

doublemonkey · 14/02/2022 15:50

@Beamur

Parenting group - fine Mother's support group - not ok
This.

And the guy turning up without a child?? Not ok.

SafferUpNorth · 14/02/2022 15:55

Sounds like a Kevin out of Motherland!!

But seriously - if the group is predominantly for new mums and mums-to-be, I would not be comfortable with dads being there too. If it was a more general local parents' meet-up, fine. But the chat is going to be brith- and baby-related, and being a new mum/pregnant mum is a very specifically female experience.

Of course new dads need support too, but a separate dads group would probably be more helpful for them. Their experience of new parenthood is different from womens. It's basic biology.

It feels to me like the whole woke inclusivity thing means has made the whole notion of different life experiences based on biological sex (including childbirth and parenting) an unfashionable no-go zone.

Porcupineintherough · 14/02/2022 15:56

I think both single sex and mixed groups are fine and ideally there'd be both but YABU to assume that a group is single sex just because it is advertised as such.

JustBlethering · 14/02/2022 15:56

@Peas252

Do dads not need support too?
Then dads can set up their own group
Porcupineintherough · 14/02/2022 15:56

Aargh! unless it is advertised as such.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 14/02/2022 15:56

Playgroup, of course dads should be included. Support group for new mums, no! It is not only about becoming a parent at this stage but also about the female body (birth, breastfeeding, intimacy etc).
A grey area is gay women couples / adoptive mums - I would say even if they didn’t give birth these women are welcome as well as they have a female body so not too awkward to talk about cracked nipples and bleeding vagina to them.
Not with a man listening though, no way.

Noisyneighneigh · 14/02/2022 16:00

I'm fine with dads coming to parent and baby groups, they are after all parents too but when something is advertised as specifically mums and expectant mums then no. The chat could well be about birthing injuries and breastfeeding. When experiences are unique to a certain sex, it can be uncomfortable chatting about them in front of the other sex. Just like it'd be weird for a mum to turn up to a meet for depressed dads or a testicular cancer support group. I'm sure there's plenty other groups for the dads to go to.

JohnStonesMissus · 14/02/2022 16:00

@Comedycook

Today, one came on his own

Bit weird imo. Wild horses wouldn't have dragged my DH to this!

Same here! I think mine would rather stick pins in his eyes to be honest!
Monopolyiscrap · 14/02/2022 16:01

@MayThePawsBeWithYou

The poor dad who came didnt know he would be the only one. It changed the dynamics but maybe it would be kinder if your group could help set up a daddy or couples group.
What! Why can't dads do this? Or are women supposed to totally spend their time helping even men who are strangers?
TheOrigRights · 14/02/2022 16:02

Haven't read the whole thread, but my immediate reaction was that no, men should not start being invited or just turn up to an already established group created and advertised for Mums.

The issue of support for men, groups for men, groups for anyone etc is an entirely separate issue IMO.

It would be like one of my book club friends deciding that her husband can come along because he likes reading books, too.

It's a matter of courtesy.

nothingmorethanthis · 14/02/2022 16:02

@Lockheart

It's a coffee and lunch meetup in a pub.

I wouldn't want to hear about anyone's mastitis or periods over lunch, thank you.

Coffee and lunch groups aren't specific. I think it's fine.

So women are allowed allowed spaces to talk about their leaky woman issues if it is in a cold bleak community room hire with hard plastic seats? Or something suitably miserable and formally organised as ' 'leaky woman time', 7-8pm on Tuesday evening? Not in a nice warm pub with good food with your mates?
Monopolyiscrap · 14/02/2022 16:03

If it advertised as a mums group, no dads should not go there. Just as I would not go to a dads group.
To be honest I find it strange a dad came along leaving his baby at home with the mum.

Canaloha · 14/02/2022 16:03

yanbu, dad's could set up their own group but they won't they will just impinge on what has been established as a womens only group.

FebruaryFest · 14/02/2022 16:03

Yes it is a matter of courtesy.

Canaloha · 14/02/2022 16:04

@Monopolyiscrap

If it advertised as a mums group, no dads should not go there. Just as I would not go to a dads group. To be honest I find it strange a dad came along leaving his baby at home with the mum.
Really bloody odd.
MalcolmTuckersBollockingface · 14/02/2022 16:04

It was advertised as a group for mums not dads, ergo, not unreasonable. If it was advertised as a parenting group then, obviously the objection would be a bit precious. I’m sure the dads can set up their own group if they are that bothered.

Lol at the poster who mentioned Kevin from Motherland. That was what I thought of when I read the OP. Specifically, the episode where Kevin gives a thumbs up to the breastfeeding Mother who looks at him likes he’s shot out of her arsehole 😂

Opticabbage · 14/02/2022 16:05

I feel really bad for dads that want to take their kids to this type of group. The problem comes when loads of women only want to talk about female specific intimate issues as a way of excluding the dads. I've attended countless groups without hearing about periods, mastitis, birthing injuries etc.

PinchOfVom · 14/02/2022 16:05

Male privilege in action

Most of them wouldn’t even THINK that women might be uncomfortable because they have no idea what discomfort IS..... in any context 🙄