7 coming to stay! Invited themselves ! To very elderly relatives !

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

So some younger relatives contacted my mum to announce that they were coming to stay with my parents. 7 of them including 2 children. To celebrate her 90th birthday! For 10 days!

She will have to get food in , contemplating a caravan in the garden, (because their quite large house is not really big enough for 7 extra) and do all sorts of stuff in preparation and whilst they are there. My parents go to bed relatively early these days , so their sleeping habits no doubt will be disturbed. When I heard , I suggested I would look at alternative accommodation Air B&B etc . Trouble is they live in a very rural area away from public transport but I did find one possibility.

Then another bomb shell . They are not intending to hire a car because they don’t like British roads . ( not from uk) . So the property I found is unsuitable as it’s a few miles away with no public transport links.

My parents now have 2 unreliable cars hardly go anywhere now and been shielding for the last 2 years anyhow because mum is CEV . (Explaining unreliable cars but that is another thread in itself) . So these relatives expect to be driven everywhere and collected from the airport too. And the 2 children are young enough to need car seats I think ( youngest at least , not sure of height of older one) .

It’s utter madness! Mum feels compelled to say yes because over the years they have stayed with that family though not them personally.

I think she should be saying no! Dad says “ they will muddle through” .

AIBU to somehow step in without it causing WW3 in the family?

What selfish and inconsiderate relatives. Definitely step in and tell them under no circumstances can they stay with your parents - your mum is going to be 90 ffs. Bring on WW3 for sure in this case.

My mum too would "muddle through" while complaining BITTERLY to me constantly in the run up. I would then get involved to protect her, it would all kick off, she would be the referee martyr and they would still end up staying (but never speak to ME again!)

I have learned to back off, but you are in a really tough position I totally understand @2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Step in.
Write to them and say that now your parents are 90 they are not able to cope with this, but they will never admit it.
Staying with them is out fo the question.
Expecting them to drive them anywhere is out of the question.

Your parents will never tell them as they are struggling to acknowledge this change, but at 90 they are now pretty elderly since the last time they saw them.

So as a good daughter you are stepping in.

Suggest they need to up their game and drive and stay in B&B, or not come.

What relation are these people, I'm assuming adult grand children?
Yes you have to step in and say it's too much for a very elderly couple to have a house full of people but that they'd really love and enjoy them visiting regularly while staying elsewhere.

Maybe also gently let them know that your parents have aged since they last saw them and aren't as able as they once were.

@Figrollface no cousins and whatever the next generations are ( second and third cousins ?)

In the circumstances you describe, yes I'd ring them and tell them frankly that what they suggested is not happening, because your parents aren't capable, and if they want to come they'll have to sort their own accommodation and transport.

@Figrollface sorry thinking npmy relationship to them .My parents nieces, grand nieces and great grand nieces and nephews .

I'd absolutely stick my nose in and tell them how unreasonable they're being. They can't expect hotel and chauffeur service from elderly people.

Absolutely not a chance. Your parents need you to step up and protect them from these cousins.

And that goes doubly so if your mum is CEV.

So, get in touch with the cousins, tell them that while it might seem like a good idea to them, actually the reality is that your parents are very elderly, have been shielding, and don't have either the space or fitness to accommodate and entertain 7 extra people.

And if the family want to come and visit they will need to find alternative accommodation, sort out their own transport, entertain themselves, and take regular tests to be sure they aren't putting your elderly parents at risk. Either from covid, or overwork.

I don’t want to be hyperbolic, but I do feel you absolutely must step in and not give a fig if it causes WW3. I’ve seen quite a few elderly people in the 85-92 age range “put up with” or “muddle through” either some huge family visit or a huge trip that they truly weren’t up for, and then at that age, they never completely recover their energy again. Especially if your mum was already CEV, they’re living rurally, two unreliable cars. I’m afraid you must get involved. It’s completely ridiculous, and utterly insane when it’s your host’s 90th birthday (!!!!) to expect this. I’m not sure what’s wrong with your relatives (have they forgotten she’s 90? Are they just so tight they don’t care? Having elder relatives come and visit is not an exchange of hospitalities - you must accept they will NOT be up for hosting your whole family, very obviously) as I can’t really imagine anyone else ever planning this and thinking it’s acceptable.

And IF WW3 threatens to kick off, I’d ask them if they’d feel comfortable telling their friends exactly what they’re doing, since it’s so acceptable - “Oh yes, we’re supposed to celebrate Gran’s 90th birthday so all seven of us are going to stay with her. Yes, we’re expecting her to get in all the food and beds and everything for us since we won’t be driving when we get there; in fact, we’re not going to have a car at all since we don’t like UK roads, so she’ll have to sort out two car seats and all that. And I’m not sure all seven of us will fit in the house but she’s going to have to sort that, too. Sure, she’s CEV and been shielding for two years but… Wait, why do you have that horrified look on your face? You don’t think it’s a nice 90th birthday present?”

I think I would message them to explain," that due to their age and frailty, they're not in a fit condition to receive visitors."

Tell them no way, who cares if it causes WW3 with such inconsiderate assholes.

I agree with @5YearsLeft. She’s turning 90 FFS, this could do her in. People can go downhill very quickly at that age. And they aren’t even her grand children! If I’d tried this with my great aunts (I wouldn’t since I’m not a selfish monster) I’d fully expect a bollocking from their immediate family.

Step in.
Fuck'em
Just say it's not happening.
If they insist - well, they can sit at the airport waiting for the lift that doesn't come. They can stay there all ten days and fly home again. They won't starve will they? Idiots.

Disable the cars in case one of your parents tries to drive. Hide the car keys even. Tell your mother you'll do the shopping online for her. And then don't do it obviously.
God I'm so sick of entitled idiots. Start WW3 yourself. Be proactive.

@steppemum

Step in. Write to them and say that now your parents are 90 they are not able to cope with this, but they will never admit it. Staying with them is out fo the question. Expecting them to drive them anywhere is out of the question.

Your parents will never tell them as they are struggling to acknowledge this change, but at 90 they are now pretty elderly since the last time they saw them.

So as a good daughter you are stepping in.

Suggest they need to up their game and drive and stay in B&B, or not come.

This is the perfect solution OP. Well thought out, @steppemum

You must intervene, and rain hellfire upon them if necessary. I can’t believe your relatives could be so inconsiderate and stupid!

what inconsiderate people.

Yes @Crimesean I thought so too . @steppemum hit the nail on the head about them never admitting their frailties which as you can imagine at that age they have . Anything too physical puts them out for days/ weeks.

And yes they will never acknowledge that change either which means they won’t say no.

Actually I think they just want a free holiday!

Bloody right you step in! They can book and pay for accommodation and pay your mum and dad a visit.

I normally say that parents are adults and its up to them but in this case I'd be breaking my own rules and stepping in pronto but...I would be telling my parents that I was going to do it....but I wouldn't be letting my parents stop me. WW3? bring it on.

Sometimes ww3 is the better option.

This is one of those times.

Absolutely step in! What is wrong with some people 🙄 (the relos, not you!)

That is such poor form from them.

You may have to step in, but check your facts first.

For my 90+ grandmother, who i stayed with frequently right up until she died, "getting extra food in" involved asking the Tesco driver to put it in the garage instead of the kitchen. Beds were made by the guest She loved the company, and would save up all her odd jobs for when we came so she didn't have to pay a handyman. We filled the house past bursting for her 90th - multiple people camped out downstairs and sleeping on the floor.

But on the surface, it would have looked like the situation in your OP.

What are the guests actually intending to do, and how much is Chinese whispers?