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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

7 coming to stay! Invited themselves ! To very elderly relatives !

511 replies

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 14/02/2022 10:51

So some younger relatives contacted my mum to announce that they were coming to stay with my parents. 7 of them including 2 children. To celebrate her 90th birthday! For 10 days!

She will have to get food in , contemplating a caravan in the garden, (because their quite large house is not really big enough for 7 extra) and do all sorts of stuff in preparation and whilst they are there. My parents go to bed relatively early these days , so their sleeping habits no doubt will be disturbed. When I heard , I suggested I would look at alternative accommodation Air B&B etc . Trouble is they live in a very rural area away from public transport but I did find one possibility.

Then another bomb shell . They are not intending to hire a car because they don’t like British roads . ( not from uk) . So the property I found is unsuitable as it’s a few miles away with no public transport links.

My parents now have 2 unreliable cars hardly go anywhere now and been shielding for the last 2 years anyhow because mum is CEV . (Explaining unreliable cars but that is another thread in itself) . So these relatives expect to be driven everywhere and collected from the airport too. And the 2 children are young enough to need car seats I think ( youngest at least , not sure of height of older one) .

It’s utter madness! Mum feels compelled to say yes because over the years they have stayed with that family though not them personally.

I think she should be saying no! Dad says “ they will muddle through” .

AIBU to somehow step in without it causing WW3 in the family?

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 09/05/2022 03:27

BitOutOfPractice · 14/02/2022 11:58

As a bit of perspective, that visit would daunt me a bit and I'm in my 50s. There is no way my mom could cope with it!

I'm thirtysomething and totally agree!

HoppingPavlova · 09/05/2022 04:29

I wouldn’t want to take this on at 90yo. I don’t want to take this on now so I imagine come 30 years, I REALLY won’t want to. I would however be happy to make this crystal clear to all😁.

Windypants21 · 09/05/2022 05:22

A male cousin of ours did the same. He is single so no one else thankfully was in tow, my mum was 90 and had already broken her leg twice with falls, and used a rollator. He was 'advised' beforehand re her overall condition but gave reassurances there would be little inconvenience, but when it came down to it he felt it was ok for her to cook him a fry before a day out and then to make him a sandwich so he wouldnt have to pay for anything !!! 😡( he is as miserable and tight as they come ). He has never been back and never will be. As your mum is elderly and vulnerable and they're coming from abroad with children !!!!.... i would just say no, intervene as suggested. Some people can only see their own needs and no one elses.

starrynight21 · 09/05/2022 06:00

Use my favorite MN expression - "Sorry that doesn't work for us" . Rinse and repeat.

Tschecked · 09/05/2022 06:55

As Op hasn't posted since February... why pull this thread up?

sleepygal · 09/05/2022 08:27

there's always a chance the OP will come back with an update. Everybody is dying to know how it played out.

CheesyWeez · 09/05/2022 08:33

I've been wondering about OP too.
I think the visit is to be in August as OP mentioned it was two months before the 90th birthday. So I imagine the negotiations are still going on

Getupoffthesofa · 09/05/2022 08:45

Intervene and make yourself unpopular if you need to.
my mum always says yes and I’ve taken to saying no on her behalf
she always thanks me afterwards!
cev and elderly. It’s too much for your parents.

mummysnetadmin · 09/05/2022 10:09

honestly think the favour should be returned, imagine your family turning you away? from how it sounds you're closer to your parents but its not okay to gatekeep them!

Chooksnroses · 09/05/2022 10:12

I'm 72 and I couldn't cope with this! It's hard enough preparing for people coming for lunch!

BorisJohnsonis · 09/05/2022 10:32

How rude and disrespectful. May I ask are they from another culture. Some cultures eg Indian you’re expected to bend over backwards for guests. How about send them a nice note and say - so happy you’re coming to the area, as you know we have a small place but here are some accommodation options and hire car options/ taxi numbers. Almost like the logistics you get with a wedding invite. Then they are free to make their own decisions. Also mention they should come over for dinner at set time on one of the first days (so they feel welcome) and that you’re looking forward to do things with them on the trip. And ask what they’d like help with organising. Yes it will be work. But less intense than having them stay. And you’ve been proactive and nipped it in the bud. Whilst being nice. But eurghh how infuriating !!!

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 09/05/2022 11:10

Ok OP here - a small update or maybe not much of an update .

I didn’t before because I have been quite ill the last few months -mainly MH and stress related which this thread added to . During this time I have dealt with a close family bereavement on my husbands side, a major unplannned operation ( me) and very significant MH symptoms which had worsened and only now there are tiny glimmers of improvement. I say all this for those begging for updates for their own amusement. I don’t intend to give a running commentary on things . The most you can expect would be an update in late August if they arrive . I am only doing this because I too find non updates a tad annoying!

Health wise for me is that I am slowly recovering but have not been well enough to travel to see my parents and I need to be careful.

Up until this weekend I had assumed the visit was gong ahead, despite my parents health decreasing rapidly and them both becoming more physically unable . Given the stripping off I got before for trying to get cousins to book somewhere locally and just visit, I have stayed completely out of it.

However this weekend I saw a message on Facebook to another cousin saying they were planning a trip to Ireland the very same dates as they were going to see my parents!

A bit of background.
The group originally coming could be divided into 2 uneven sized groups .

One group are 2/3 newly retired folk who if they visited would usually come on their own steam , muck in, want to actually see my parents and enjoy their company and in short not be too strenuous for my parents . It is this smaller sub group my parents would be most keen to see.

The other group of 4/5 are the ones I am most concerned with consist of the younger family - the couple who if you recall were planning to go to the party in Italy and sightsee whilst here. Basically the ones really using my parents and in my view the ultimate CF . They have visited my parents before about 5 years ago which was very stressful at the time ( however my parents appear to have a selective memory about that occasion)

if you can do maths you will see that one person could fall into either camp and it is this person who wrote the Facebook comment.

I suspect the younger crowd and her may be having second thoughts about coming to my parents which I really hope they are .

So , if the first small group do come, it wouldn’t be anything like as bad and if the other crowd inflict themselves on the wider family in Ireland so be it. No surviving 90 year olds over there!

I have no intention of asking my parents or contacting my cousins to check . If they haven’t contacted my parents to inform them of updated plans well that is between them . (but I wouldn’t put it past them frankly given past behaviour)

And if my parents already know but not saying anything to me so as not to open old wounds well so be it. I am happy to wait till august to see what actually happened.

That’s probably it till August folks, I will update you then.

OP posts:
BeepBoopBop · 09/05/2022 11:16

Sounds like it has been a very, very tough year for you Bees. You have done all you reasonably can to protect your parents from the marauding freeloaders and I hope sanity prevails. Wishing you a full recovery and a splendid wedding anniversary.

SailingNotSurfing · 09/05/2022 11:18

Sending you get well soon wishes and healthy vibes OP.

Throckmorton · 09/05/2022 11:35

Blimey, what a year you have had! Take care of yourself and only update here if it helps you - your health and well being is far more important that keeping us internet randoms updated!

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 09/05/2022 11:39

Breaking my own rule already Grin
For the sleuths among you ……

Cousin contacted via Facebook comment on unrelated post, lives only a short distance from Shannon a major international airport. So it looks like the Italian party is back on and younger cousins are seeking accommodation there to enable attendance.

OP posts:
REP22 · 09/05/2022 11:54

So sorry life seems to be giving you a bit of a kicking at the moment @2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney . Sending you very best wishes. x

RandomUser10093 · 09/05/2022 11:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Snowraingain · 09/05/2022 12:03

Protect your obviously delightful parents by contacting these people and saying no. Offer to organise a meet up at the place they are staying. It's unacceptable to expect people to accommodate you.

StopStartStop · 09/05/2022 12:09

Shannon's a cute little airport. Just sayin'.

Best wishes @2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney Chill as much as you can.

Pipsquiggle · 09/05/2022 12:12

Still being CFs then - just moving their European base West by 500 miles. Hopefully this will mean your parents will be spared.

Also hope you feel better soon

Therealjudgejudy · 09/05/2022 12:32

I read your original thread but didn't comment. Need to comment now to say OP, you sound like a loyal, loving daughter.

You don't owe anyone updates. Please mind your own health and take care of you. 💐

3luckystars · 09/05/2022 12:44

If it was me (and I’m not too far from that airport myself and understand the situation), I would arrange for my parents to be visiting me that week and lock up their house 😂

you are fighting a losing battle though if your parents want to see them.

I really hope it all works out ok.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/05/2022 12:44

Thank you @2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney for taking the time and coming back to update us (even though you're under no obligation to do that).

Sorry for your loss.

Wishing you a speedy recovery and take whatever time you need for your MH and look after yourself.

💐 Flowers

Painiscrap · 09/05/2022 12:57

OP, only update things if YOU want to, otherwise ignore any comments begging to know what has happened! I’m so sorry to hear how unwell you have been and your health is the main thing, not us nosey Mumsnetters. Really hope that your health continues to improve and you feel much better. Take care. 💐