7 coming to stay! Invited themselves ! To very elderly relatives !

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

So some younger relatives contacted my mum to announce that they were coming to stay with my parents. 7 of them including 2 children. To celebrate her 90th birthday! For 10 days!

She will have to get food in , contemplating a caravan in the garden, (because their quite large house is not really big enough for 7 extra) and do all sorts of stuff in preparation and whilst they are there. My parents go to bed relatively early these days , so their sleeping habits no doubt will be disturbed. When I heard , I suggested I would look at alternative accommodation Air B&B etc . Trouble is they live in a very rural area away from public transport but I did find one possibility.

Then another bomb shell . They are not intending to hire a car because they don’t like British roads . ( not from uk) . So the property I found is unsuitable as it’s a few miles away with no public transport links.

My parents now have 2 unreliable cars hardly go anywhere now and been shielding for the last 2 years anyhow because mum is CEV . (Explaining unreliable cars but that is another thread in itself) . So these relatives expect to be driven everywhere and collected from the airport too. And the 2 children are young enough to need car seats I think ( youngest at least , not sure of height of older one) .

It’s utter madness! Mum feels compelled to say yes because over the years they have stayed with that family though not them personally.

I think she should be saying no! Dad says “ they will muddle through” .

AIBU to somehow step in without it causing WW3 in the family?

Are you going to attend the 90th birthday celebrations?

If you are, you could all stay in the nearest town and only travel for the party. Or you could plan the celebrations in a venue in that town, so only your parents have to travel and they can escape home and it's all over with.

I'd make it obvious you are assuming they are staying in town and only coming to your parents for the party, be proactive - "if you don't like driving, you could stay here as you can get to the town by bus from the airport," "here are things your kids could do on the days you aren't at the party...."

@CatSpeakForDummies
It’s actually 2 months before her birthday . But of course October is colder! No plans as such right now . I am CEV too so even small family get togethers tricky

Glad you have messaged these cheeky 3rd cousins-

So they are flying in from from Ireland ? You said Irish descent but also they find driving in England difficult? (So are Irish and live in mainland Europe?)

Regardless they cannot for a second expect 90 year old to drive 7 of them around in their car either?! To buy food and cook for 9 people?! To even make ther elderly person house safe dor tiddkwrs or cope with the mess abd trip hazards that having lot pf people snd young children staying will cause. They are vulnerable frail older people at 90.

Tell mum and dad to say their cars are off the road/ SORN untaxed / so that they don't get asked for lifts, even if they stay nearby . I bet CF cousins "offer to drive DParent's cars!"

There's no way these 7 x 3rd cousins including two toddlers are coming to just visit and stay with two 90yes olds, they want free lodging, meals and to be driven around to tourist places or other family members.

You are bloody joking!! I'd univite them stat.

The only part that I think you are U about is not wanting to cause WW3. I would absolutely cause ww3 here. No way should that be happening!!

Cheeky fuckers!! Get that foot down OP

I would say that Mum and Dad arent that young anymore (Really needs saying LOL!) and that you think it would be too much for them .(Im only in my 50s and it would be too much for me! Offer to take them out a few times (But not every day!) if you can to help them . Maybe look at a few Air BNB /hotels in their area that are on a bus route/uber and so on . Maybe they just didnt think or are massive CFs (or both!)

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Well my message has been read! I await a reply.

Hopefully they are not CFs but just people who haven't witnessed the ageing and accompanying inability.... and are now panicking as to what they can do. At the very least the need to be hiring suitable vehicles... unless your parents are 5 minutes from a very small regional airport that alone is going to turn into disaster!

How long away is the visit planned for? I'm wondering if some of it might actually do you parents some good if it is the covid effect that has slowed them down... but clearly they need to to over do it!!

Absolutely not, and well done for stepping in. They are insane.

My DB lives 200 miles away and for the last 15 years visited mum with wife and 2 DC in tow. Stayed with her for around 4 days, all mucking in, but because he lives 200 miles away he never saw the deterioration or aging or tiredness in my parents and just carried on coming up and being waited on hand and foot 3 meals a day.

I put a stop to it, offered for them to stay at my house, I didn't really want them to, but the message was read and they took the massive hint that my mum couldn't cope anymore. This was an extra 4 people and mum was 85.

7 at nearly 90 is selfish beyond belief and the expectation they will be collected from the airport (in what? a number 49 bus) and then ferried around beggars belief.

I would see red mist.

Cousins are going to discuss my message and say take my points into consideration. I don’t think there’s is anything to discuss personally, just decide on other plans .

You sound like a good daughter
Definitely stop this
Cheeky f *ers

The reality is that your grandparents are not able for this crowd of freeloaders to stay in their house for 10 days let alone collect them from the airport and drive them around.
I tell your relatives that if they come to the UK they can find a hotel or air BnB in the area and they can hire a car as well for their visit as your elderly grandparents are not physically able to have a crowd in the house or drive them around.
If you start ww3 so what. You don't want your grandparents put under that type of stress. You want to organise a party or a meal out that she can look forward to and where someone else is in charge of. It up to relatives, family and friends to sort out their own accomodation and transport if they wish to attend this event.

"Discuss my message and take my points into consideration" equals "Bitch about you trying to scupper their plans and then do what they want to do anyway"

You may need to be harsher, and be prepared for them to phone your parents and brow beat them into saying its totally fine for the visit and they can ignore you.

I’d warn your parents not to answer any international calls. I bet they will be phoning them and trying to guilt them into saying it’s fine. CFs won’t give up that easily I fear.

Hi OP. As everyone has said, YA very much NBU in protecting your parents from this invasion. When you are explaining why they cannot come, you can say not just about their age and energy, but even more importantly that they are both CEV - your dad is as well just on the basis of age. So it is completely unreasonable for them to think of staying in their house. I do hope you can prevent this happening. As for your dad saying they could "muddle through", I am guessing that it would not be him mainly doingthe muddling through? Wouldn't it fall mainly on to your DM? Best wishes with it.

Their CF game is strong . I would not dream of doing this to someone, especially under the guise of celebrating a 90th birthday. Good on your for contacting them

In this instance? I’d be pressing the big red button.

A lovely free holiday has been spotted and bugger the consequences.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Cousins are going to discuss my message and say take my points into consideration. I don’t think there’s is anything to discuss personally, just decide on other plans .

To that "we'll discuss" (which means 'damn we've been caught out and either push our luck to try to force our staying with this elderly couple or we might not come over anymore now this isn't a free holiday') message ,I'd reply "Just to be very clear. X and Y are in their 90s and unable to cope with you staying at their house nor do they drive.

Here is a link to local tourist information board where you can look up lists of hotels or b&bs to stay in and to look up taxis or hire cars details. "

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Cousins are going to discuss my message and say take my points into consideration. I don’t think there’s is anything to discuss personally, just decide on other plans .

HI OP. Not sure how direct you were in your first message but if I was you I'd reply to that straight away, saying exactly what you have put here. "There is no 'discussion' other than where you intend to stay and how you intend to travel around which does not involve my parents in any way".

Depending on the answer after that, you may have to say it absolutely bluntly "to be clear, this is unacceptable and I am telling you that no matter what Mum & Dad say, you are not allowed to stay with them and they will NOT be collecting you from airport or driving you anywhere".

If they kick off you will probably have to tell your parents what you have done but hopefully they won't drag your parents into it.

Incredibly cheeky and I bet you are right, they want to have a free holiday.

Ah, ok. So it could possibly be a bit of a challenge for them. But still it's their challenge not your parents'.

Still the party would include 5 adults; yet they would all prefer a 90 year old chauffeur with a ropey car to driving on British roads with a hire car.

“Take your points into consideration”

I know irish hospitality well, and the expectation of host and guests. However. This is not ok! This is pushing that hospitality too far and it’s not ok.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Cousins are going to discuss my message and say take my points into consideration. I don’t think there’s is anything to discuss personally, just decide on other plans .

You need to knock this on the head.

There is nothing to discuss. You need to tell them that. This is not happening.

They are welcome to visit your parents for the day to say happy birthday but they need to make their own way there. That's it.

Don't get drawn into compromises because there aren't any.

Hosting 7 people for 10 days would be taxing for anyone.

Asking this of a couple in their 90's with health concerns is simply grossly selfish.

Aside from many of the legitimate concerns raised the car issue is significant.

They are not in a position to do airport pick ups nor act as a taxi service. Frankly it's a miracle they are still driving at all at their age. What's being asked here is unsafe especially with unreliable cars.

It doesn't matter if WW3 breaks out. It doesn't matter if this family are put out or offended.

Their demands are ridiculous and could have serious consequences regarding the well being of your parents.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Cousins are going to discuss my message and say take my points into consideration. I don’t think there’s is anything to discuss personally, just decide on other plans .

I really think you want to send a really unequivical response now. "You absolutely cannot under any circumstances stay with my parents, even for one night. And, since neither of them drive, they will not be collecting you or driving you anywhere. Period."

God what a mess. As a PP says, they will either not come or brow beat your parents. I am afraid I would be much firmer on this and say staying at your M&D is not possible and neither is expecting them to drive them around.

I had some Irish relatives who were not invited to my wedding as it was very small. My FIL was a bit miffed over it as he didnt want to lose face with them. I havent heard from them since and that was 25 years ago. There is an Irish view that families are ALWAYS invited to weddings. They will also drink the bar dry... I am half Irish myself just in case people think I am picking on the Irish..

I've hosted that many of DHs family before. It's absolutely exhausting and I'm half your mother's age and more than capable of feeding the 5 thousand, but doing it 3x a day day after day is quite another thing.