7 coming to stay! Invited themselves ! To very elderly relatives !

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

So some younger relatives contacted my mum to announce that they were coming to stay with my parents. 7 of them including 2 children. To celebrate her 90th birthday! For 10 days!

She will have to get food in , contemplating a caravan in the garden, (because their quite large house is not really big enough for 7 extra) and do all sorts of stuff in preparation and whilst they are there. My parents go to bed relatively early these days , so their sleeping habits no doubt will be disturbed. When I heard , I suggested I would look at alternative accommodation Air B&B etc . Trouble is they live in a very rural area away from public transport but I did find one possibility.

Then another bomb shell . They are not intending to hire a car because they don’t like British roads . ( not from uk) . So the property I found is unsuitable as it’s a few miles away with no public transport links.

My parents now have 2 unreliable cars hardly go anywhere now and been shielding for the last 2 years anyhow because mum is CEV . (Explaining unreliable cars but that is another thread in itself) . So these relatives expect to be driven everywhere and collected from the airport too. And the 2 children are young enough to need car seats I think ( youngest at least , not sure of height of older one) .

It’s utter madness! Mum feels compelled to say yes because over the years they have stayed with that family though not them personally.

I think she should be saying no! Dad says “ they will muddle through” .

AIBU to somehow step in without it causing WW3 in the family?

Unbelievable response.

Stand firm.

I'll be interested to see how keen they are to celebrate your mums 90th once they realise it won't be at her expense.... Let's see if they stick to their holiday plans once they have to find somewhere to stay and drive themselves.

Also... I would not be able to resist saying "ps. You seem to have muddled your dates - mum's birthday is in October - so we will see you then!"

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Actually I think they just want a free holiday!

I agree with this sadly.

I really think you want to send a really unequivical response now. "You absolutely cannot under any circumstances stay with my parents, even for one night. And, since neither of them drive, they will not be collecting you or driving you anywhere. Period."

I agree with this. Make sure they're really clear on what the deal is.

Just text back

There is no discussion about this is madly inappropriate you ever thought you should do this. You need to make alternative arrangements for your accommodation and transport. If you want to take mum and dad out for lunch then you are more then welcome to call them to arrange that

Well done, you think of your parents. My dad is nearly 90 and couldn't cope with seven visitors for an hour, never mind ten days!

Well, if they go ahead with the plans then I would feel no shame in messaging them to say that you will be bringing your parents to stay in your house during the time they are over to protect their health and well-being.

If they really want to celebrate your mum's 90th they can easily do that staying elsewhere and just all meeting up for the birthday celebrations. They are probably mainly thoughtless and haven't thought through the fact that a large hoard expecting to be hosted by a 90 year old is just silly. My aunt had her 90th recently and she insisted on only a few people as she didn't want a huge party plus Covid restrictions and my cousin arranged it. My sister and I didn't go but my brother did as he had to take my dad there. Expecting a 90 year old to be up for a big party and guests is silly.

You have extremely inconsiderate cousins.

It’s actually 2 months before her birthday . But of course October is colder!

So it’s not actually anything to do with her Birthday celebrations. They just want free August holiday for an extended family of 7! They are even more CFs than I originally thought!

From your most recent post it doesn't seem like they've got the message. I'm afraid you're going to have to be really blunt. You need to tell them in no uncertain terms that if they fly over, there'll be noone to meet them at the airport and nowhere for them to stay.

It's incredible that they think it's acceptable to invite themselves to impose upon tell suck elderly relatives! I'd be prepared that whatever they come back with after their discussion could be something to the effect that they won't be a burden, but maybe this will be enough to wake them to the reality of how they're behaving.

... Such elderly! Not sure where "tell suck" came from!

Agree with other PPs that you were right to step in. Not sure what your cousins need to "take into consideration" - they simply need to find alternative accommodation and hire a car, ffs.

And who invites themselves to a 90th birthday celebration two months early. CFs.

I don’t think there’s is anything to discuss personally, just decide on other plans Ha i love this - probably best to just reply this so it's really clear that there is no middle option

What on earth are they expecting to do for 10 whole days as a visit/holiday? Do they just want to hang around your parents home being fed and waited on and having parties?

Are there local attractions? How would they get there? I suppose they don't want to drive in the UK but would be happy to be chauffered around by your elderly parents in dodgy cars. CFers in the extreme!

Wow. ‘Take your points in to consideration’. Means they’ll just come back with some other way to descend on your poor parents.

As above, you need to be very clear now. Don’t wait for them to come back with a new plan. Just say ‘sorry if I wasn’t clear, my parents will be unable to have you to stay under any circumstances. They are unable to drive and have been shielding’.

If they do come over and stay elsewhere say all your parents will be up to an outdoor meet up one day. That’s it.

@thisplaceisweird

I just took your advice!

What did you reply to your cousins message?
I think you need to now make it very clear that staying with your parents is out full stop.
That message reads like they'll come up with a solution so their stay won't impact on your parents while they stay in their house
I think you need to book time off work and be at your parents when due date arrives.

@Figrollface
I just said “I don’t think there’s is anything to discuss personally unless that is just a turn of phrase , just decide on other plans”

If I stayed then there would be 9 ( medical reasons mean I need to be with my DH at night . ) and in any case I am CEV too and no way would I mix with them .

Tell them no.

They can arrange their own accommodation and transport, to suit their own requirements.

They're invited to the birthday party, that is all.

Would they expect to stay with a bride, before and after a wedding? (i suspect they would!).

Cheeky fuckers!

I am glad you have messaged them. I hope they take your comments on board properly. Are they really expecting that a 90 year old will be happy running around after 7 visitors for 10 days!!

My mother is 86, and widowed last year. She isn't particularly mobile, no longer drives due to health issues and certainly couldn't cope with this sort of onslaught. When I visit her alone I stay at her house and I cook for and look after us both.

If I visit with the rest of my family there could be 5 of us, sometimes 6. Too many to stay at her house. We drive ourselves then, stay in the local Premier Inn and look after ourselves and her when we are at her house. Never for more than a couple of days because it is exhausting for her even though nobody expects her to get up and do anything for them (all adults, we make our own tea and coffe, and hers, and we sort food too).

That is what these people should be doing if they want to visit your parents. They seem to have forgotten that you cannot just descend en mass on very elderly relatives expecting full hospitality, and 10 days is totally taking the piss.

Stand firm. Don't let this happen.

Stay strong, OP.

No one ever really wants an invasion of distant relatives, but especially not when they're 90 and vulnerable to Covid.

The fact that your cousins haven't thought about the impact on your parents speaks volumes about what kind of guests they'd be - much better for everyone to stop this nonsense now. If they really cared about marking the occasion, they'd use the money they're saving from not travelling to buy a really nice present, and arrange for a video call on the day.

Good for you not allowing them to try and force their way in with vague compromises.

When I suggest you be there it was to literally stop them landing on your parents with the intention of railroading your parents into allowing them to stay.

Oh, so there isn't even a party!

I'm turning 30 and there's no way in hell I'd tolerate this. People are just getting crazier by the day, I swear. Your poor parents, please step in!