7 coming to stay! Invited themselves ! To very elderly relatives !

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

So some younger relatives contacted my mum to announce that they were coming to stay with my parents. 7 of them including 2 children. To celebrate her 90th birthday! For 10 days!

She will have to get food in , contemplating a caravan in the garden, (because their quite large house is not really big enough for 7 extra) and do all sorts of stuff in preparation and whilst they are there. My parents go to bed relatively early these days , so their sleeping habits no doubt will be disturbed. When I heard , I suggested I would look at alternative accommodation Air B&B etc . Trouble is they live in a very rural area away from public transport but I did find one possibility.

Then another bomb shell . They are not intending to hire a car because they don’t like British roads . ( not from uk) . So the property I found is unsuitable as it’s a few miles away with no public transport links.

My parents now have 2 unreliable cars hardly go anywhere now and been shielding for the last 2 years anyhow because mum is CEV . (Explaining unreliable cars but that is another thread in itself) . So these relatives expect to be driven everywhere and collected from the airport too. And the 2 children are young enough to need car seats I think ( youngest at least , not sure of height of older one) .

It’s utter madness! Mum feels compelled to say yes because over the years they have stayed with that family though not them personally.

I think she should be saying no! Dad says “ they will muddle through” .

AIBU to somehow step in without it causing WW3 in the family?

Please step in! You'd absolutely be doing the right thing for your parents.
I would suggest to them that it's just no do-able at all unless they book an air bnb plus cars.

How many of us could put up seven guests for a visit of several days or more ? I could manage three , or four at a push. Seven is just ridiculous, even if two of them are young children.

.... should clarify that the suggestion should be to the freeloaders visitors, not your patents,

Parents! FGS.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Actually I think they just want a free holiday!

I think you’re spot on especially as I’ve just read your OP really closely to see that these people have NEVER HOSTED YOUR PARENTS. Your parents only feel indebted because they stayed with “the same family” (I assume that probably means the parents of these people), and these people have never contributed to hosting your parents, probably have spent only some time (or not?) during visits with them, don’t have a clear picture of them being 90, etc. Yes, absolutely nip this in the bud. I think @steppemum has the right idea about saying that they’re absolutely not up to it, that they do NOT drive so any expectations otherwise aren’t going to happen, and that seven extra people won’t fit in the house, full stop.

You need to step in.

Tell these extended family members they are thoughtless, entitled brats who will NOT be staying with your very elderly parents, who will NOT be expecting your very elderly parents to drive them around, who will NOT expect your very elderly parents to be funding their holiday in terms of food or accommodation.

Sometimes you have to take a stand. I'd even go so far as to collect your elderly parents, lock up their house securely, and have them stay at yours for a few days to ensure they are not taken advantage of. Install a ring door bell at their house so you can call the police if anyone tries to get in.

Nope, my mum stepped in to tell her uncle that he couldn't stay with my grandmother after announcing that he was coming (comes every year for particular festival) as it was causing her too much worry and stress. He'd have to find a friend to stay with. Yes much younger than his sister (about 20 years) so at her age they were just in very different places and the thought of him coming in later after partying all night caused my grandmother too much worry

@TragicMuse

Absolutely not a chance. Your parents need you to step up and protect them from these cousins.

And that goes doubly so if your mum is CEV.

So, get in touch with the cousins, tell them that while it might seem like a good idea to them, actually the reality is that your parents are very elderly, have been shielding, and don't have either the space or fitness to accommodate and entertain 7 extra people.

And if the family want to come and visit they will need to find alternative accommodation, sort out their own transport, entertain themselves, and take regular tests to be sure they aren't putting your elderly parents at risk. Either from covid, or overwork.

Say this, this is perfect

I had this for my Aunt's 90th too. All my cousins wanted to come to celebrate. I told them that there was no way could she host anything. Rent a hall for the "event ". Where they stay or how they get around is up to them. Tell them that it us inadvisable for either of your parents to drive any distance . If there are younger, tell them to Google transport options , ie rent a house , organise mini buses to go around . Who cares if there is WW3 , they are distant relations and don't live in UK . It is not like you will miss them ! Harsh but true .
I wonder if there is a cultural thing here. Staying with family was always a thing with the older generation . My Aunt couldn't understand why I would visit Italy where we have no family!

Are these relatives stupid and thoughtless? Or selfish and entitled?

Either way, I agree with pp’s who have said that you def need to step in.

Do your parents drive at night? My late 70’s dm only drives during the day and certainly could not manage to drive into an airport and pick up (plus the car wouldn’t fit 7!) and my early 80’s DDad has given up driving altogether as he doesnt feel he is particularly safe on the roads anymore.

They are asking far far too much !

Definitely step in. My cousin wanted him and his wife and four kids to stay with my nan for a week when she was 90 and in poor health. I could see she was getting stressed about saying no – the children were very young and boisterous and noisy – so I said to the cousin that we may as well cancel the carers coming in while he was there and they can sort out Nan's downstairs commode etc and surprise, surprise he was suddenly too busy to visit.

There's no way on god's green earth I would be allowing this to happen. You MUST step in!

What selfish people. Tell them they can't stay. Big up the covid/ health risks if you have too.

As a bit of perspective, that visit would daunt me a bit and I'm in my 50s. There is no way my mom could cope with it!

Honestly, just tell them. I've always been the type of person to say nothing to "keep the peace" but have recently started saying no etc and it's liberating. If you say nothing, your mum and dad will struggle and you will end up wearing yourself down to help them. The family members are cheapskates who have invited themselves with no regard for how much it will inconvenience the hosts. Just say it's not possible. Maybe mention some reasons but don't engage in an argument. It's on them. Good luck! The bloody cheek of some folk!

Thank you for all the advice here I really appreciate it and didn’t think I was being unreasonable! To answer @Chouetted queries due to Covid their deliveries are left away from the front door and they have to bring them in and NOT a chance that these people would volunteer to do diy . Mum and Dad get people in for that anyhow.

I have written to one of my cousins using some of the useful comments here , hopefully the least likely to kick off ! There is a bit of a time zone difference but I will keep you posted on the reply.

Your mother is aged
And seems quite passive with it
So you need to woman up and be firm. really Firm

If they are the children of family members who have hosted in the past, are there parents aware of what they have in mind? If the bald facts of the situation are passed to them, they may be moved to stern words to their thoughtless offspring.

Whist a 90th birthday celebration sounds lovely, at 90 it might be more celebratory if the party was thrown for her, rather than she be expected to play host.

Are you already planning to do something for your Mum's 90th? In which you could explain that her birthday celebrations are sorted.

Can you frame it in this way?

"Hey, cousins, whilst it's really lovely that you would like to celebrate mum's birthday, perhaps you don't realise if you have not seen them for a while but they are at a different stage in life now. It would not be kind nor appropriate of you to impose on them in terms of accommodation and transport. DM and DF are likely to say it is alright but as their daughter I am suggesting that you make some other plans. If you need some support in choosing an AirBnB and or looking into transport options, let me know."

* hopefully the least likely to kick off ! *

No one would be staying at my very aged parents home if they were even remotely likely to “kick off”

Younger ones may be somewhat entitled but I think the older ones are being just thoughtless.

Trouble is my parents are well known in the family for hosting big events in the past , with several caravans in the garden etc and even 5 years ago hosting 5 of them ( but one was a toddler, so in a travel cot) . It’s just that my parents have aged so much in the last few years . By the way I live 200 miles away .

Tell them to book a hotel!

@twoshedsjackson

3 of the people coming are in their 60s and should really know better. The parent who used to host my parents has now past away.

Sounds like they are just after a free holiday. I would tell them it’s not happening. My grandmother is 95 and struggles with just having visitors for a couple hours, having 7 people stay would cause her so much stress.

Were they invited to come for a specific event for the 90th or have they just taken it upon themselves to pop over to just be ‘around’ for the birthday? If the former, and they’ve been invited to come over from a foreign country then I don’t think it’s too cheeky for them to assume that ‘someone’ from the family (albeit not necessarily your parents) would be putting them
Up. They may well be thinking that as they’ve been invited it might be rude to turn it down but it would cost a small fortune to bring a family of 7 to stay in a hotel for 10 days. I don’t think it’s outrageously rude or selfish tbh and depends on the circs.

Yes, you'll have to go in hard ass.

Do not back down if/when they start moaning and whingeing about all 7 of them not being able to doss down in the house of very elderly people.