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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex shouldn’t share bed with 12yo DD?

242 replies

Splobbins · 14/02/2022 09:02

Namechanged for this thread but am a longstanding regular.

DD told me that when she’s staying at ex’s this weekend, he’s having visitors and plans to give them his bed and he will sleep in hers - with her. She’s already been upset that he’s given guests her bed when she’s not there, without asking her (and always her bed, not DS’s). I said he should ask her first, but when she told me he wants to actually share her bed I was horrified. It is a double bed but that doesn’t make it ok imo. And he has other options like the sofa.

DD has started puberty and cares a lot about her privacy and private space. Ex has only recently moved and been able to give the dc their own rooms instead of sharing with her older brother.

However I searched for threads on this and quite a few responses to similar questions were that it’s fine and up to the dad, and that it’s ok for mums so it’s ok for dads too. I find that appalling - yes DD gets in my bed sometimes but we’re the same sex and I think it’s totally different in terms of how it makes her feel and the inappropriateness.

However I grew up in a home with zero boundaries and was sexually abused by my dad - so I can see I might have a distorted view.

DD has said she will tell him no she doesn’t want that - but he doesn’t tend to listen to her. AIBU and if I’m not, should I talk to him about it myself?

OP posts:
PlainJaneSuperbrainthe2nd · 14/02/2022 09:07

I wouldn't see a problem with this if your daughter was comfortable with it - my children are younger but my daughter has often shared a bed with her Dad, for example when we were on holiday and I was breastfeeding our newborn. BUT the issue is that your daughter is not comfortable with it (perfectly understandable at her age). If she feels she needs her space she should have it

PlainJaneSuperbrainthe2nd · 14/02/2022 09:09

So to answer your question - your reasoning is unreasonable, but if your daughter doesn't want to share with her Dad at this stage then, yes, back her up. Hope that makes sense!

Lyonic · 14/02/2022 09:09

I would never let a stranger sleep in the same bed as my kid...

Your daughter should be happy to sleep beside her dad! The world has gone mad.

Smartiepants79 · 14/02/2022 09:10

If your Dd was ok with it then it’s not a problem.
I think my DD of a similar age would be happy to sleep in a double bed with her dad for a one off. It’s never actually happened so I can’t say for certain. In a holiday/hotel/emergency situation I certainly wouldn’t worry about it.
BUT if his daughter does not want to bed share and has her own bed that is available then it’s not ok to make her.

Porcupineintherough · 14/02/2022 09:12

If your dd were comfortable with it it would be fine but she isnt so it's not appropriate. Best to speak to him before the weekend though so he's got a chance to rethink.

movintothecountry · 14/02/2022 09:13

YANBU.

Whilst i don't have the experience of dealing with an ex-partner on subjects like this, I do remember what it was like to be 12 and shy of my body around even my own dad.

If he's the type not to listen to her and its making her anxious i would just say that she is sick this weekend and would like to stay at yours? Is that an option?

ShadowsInTheDarkness · 14/02/2022 09:14

I expect you will get a lot of "oh it's fine" type replies but I feel exactly the same as you as we have been having this issue as well. There's something highly uncomfortable about a grown man suggesting this without chatting to his daughter first about options about where she could sleep, what she would be comfortable with etc. I know that my DD (11yo) is currently feeling very self conscious about her body and her privacy and would be very uncomfortable with this.

The difference in our case is that my ex was abusive and has a track record of being a really crap father so I have a strong sense of revulsion towards him anyway. I don't know if I would feel differently about a loving father with no history of abusive or creepy behaviour? At the end of the day your DD has said she's uncomfortable with it so that's all the info you need, and you should support her in voicing this or if she's too embarrassed then advocate for her.

Louisianagumbo · 14/02/2022 09:14

If they were in 2 single beds in the same room, would you find that a problem? Is it the sharing of space or sharing a bed that concerns you?

hesbeen2021 · 14/02/2022 09:16

A 12 year old girl should not be sharing a bed with an adult male against her will
I'm not going to write the obvious reasons why as never know who will be getting off on posts like this

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 14/02/2022 09:16

@Louisianagumbo

If they were in 2 single beds in the same room, would you find that a problem? Is it the sharing of space or sharing a bed that concerns you?
I don’t suppose a twelve year girl wants to share a room or a bed with her father on a regular basis
ANameChangeAgain · 14/02/2022 09:16

My children used to get into our bed or share with one of us when we were away when they were little, but once puberty started they stopped, their choice. My dh would never have put my dd in a position where he was sharing a bed with her. How awful for your dd when she is coping with periods and needing privacy, to have to bed share with her father.

girlmom21 · 14/02/2022 09:17

If she's not comfortable then it's not ok.
That's the long and short of it.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 14/02/2022 09:18

If she doesn’t want to go a court wouldn’t make her
Especially not with this sort of set up. Strange visitors to the house had no bed of her own without her dad in it.
I actually wouldn’t allow it and I’d let him take me to court. At aged 12 a court will definitely listen to your daughter anyway.

He should be prioritising both a safe private space for his daughter when she visits and his time so it’s with her. What a flake

Original poster
Splobbins · 14/02/2022 09:19

Btw I’m not suggesting that I think he would do anything bad - though I realise you can’t ever be 100% sure, that’s not my issue. It’s just that 12yo girl and adult man shouldn’t be asleep in the same bed imo. Even if it is her dad. Of course her not wanting it is also important and should decide the matter - but I still find it weird either way. What if the man has an erection in his sleep or gets confused while half asleep and thinks he’s in bed with a woman? Or am I being daft?

To me it’s similar to nudity - just not something you would do around a child of the opposite sex past the age of 7 or so.

OP posts:
RG2468 · 14/02/2022 09:19

It’s not a problem if your DD doesn’t have a problem. Has she formed that viewpoint on her own? If so then he shouldn’t be sleeping with her.

Schmoozer · 14/02/2022 09:21

I hear ya OP
Due to your experiences this will strike a raw nerve - completely understandable

I would go on what she thinks of this -
She’s not happy about it so that’s the decider -
Her body her boundaries
It’s an important thing to allow her to set the boundaries and say no - I’m not comfortable with that and not be pressured into overriding these feelings …
Support her to get it sorted - you are right 👍

bibliomania · 14/02/2022 09:21

I was in family court over a residence dispute and a social worker was doing a report (CAFCASS). She was deeply unimpressed at dd not having her own bed in her father's house (not reported by me - I didn't know) and dd was much younger at the time. So yes, I think you're on firm ground to make an issue out of it.

Fwiw, I would have hated sharing with my father at that age, even though he was a great father and I trusted him utterly. It just would have been uncomfortable.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/02/2022 09:22

It's up to her. It is NOT up to him.

I wouldn't have been comfortable with this at all, at that age. At 5 or 6 yes, at 12 definitely not.

I'd have been ok about sharing with my mum. Not very happy but ok.

Privacy and bodily autonomy are enormously important in the teen years.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/02/2022 09:24

Practically, she needs a get out plan. Can she offer to sleep on the sofa? Can her brother share with the dad instead? Will her brother stick up for her and assert that plan?

TwoBlondes · 14/02/2022 09:24

I had a brilliant relationship with my dad, but 48 years on I can still remember how upset i was having to share a bed with him. I was also twelve. It never crossed my mind that anything untoward might happen but just felt my privacy had been invaded. It's an important lesson for a girl to know that her boundaries are respected.

Sunbird24 · 14/02/2022 09:25

How old is DS? Does he only have a single bed? If Ex doesn’t want to sleep on the sofa and the guests can’t either go home or book somewhere nearby, I’d have though sharing with the child of the same sex made most sense, or putting DS on the sofa and taking his bed, rather than making a tween girl this uncomfortable.

GeneLovesJezebel · 14/02/2022 09:26

If she doesn’t want to share with him she shouldn’t have to.
It makes no difference what people on MN think.
Respect the fact that your DD has boundaries, and you should be her champion to make sure it happens.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/02/2022 09:27

Can she decline to go?

It would seem reasonable to me that if her bed's not available to her, she can choose not to go.

alrightfella · 14/02/2022 09:29

I would suggest that her dad shares with her brother? And that she has her brothers bed?

Louisianagumbo · 14/02/2022 09:31

I don’t suppose a twelve year girl wants to share a room or a bed with her father on a regular basis
Whether sharing a bed is right or wrong, you're wrong in making out this is a regular thing. It's one weekend. And lots have family's have visitors and you have to double up. Talking of court over this is extreme.