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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex shouldn’t share bed with 12yo DD?

242 replies

Splobbins · 14/02/2022 09:02

Namechanged for this thread but am a longstanding regular.

DD told me that when she’s staying at ex’s this weekend, he’s having visitors and plans to give them his bed and he will sleep in hers - with her. She’s already been upset that he’s given guests her bed when she’s not there, without asking her (and always her bed, not DS’s). I said he should ask her first, but when she told me he wants to actually share her bed I was horrified. It is a double bed but that doesn’t make it ok imo. And he has other options like the sofa.

DD has started puberty and cares a lot about her privacy and private space. Ex has only recently moved and been able to give the dc their own rooms instead of sharing with her older brother.

However I searched for threads on this and quite a few responses to similar questions were that it’s fine and up to the dad, and that it’s ok for mums so it’s ok for dads too. I find that appalling - yes DD gets in my bed sometimes but we’re the same sex and I think it’s totally different in terms of how it makes her feel and the inappropriateness.

However I grew up in a home with zero boundaries and was sexually abused by my dad - so I can see I might have a distorted view.

DD has said she will tell him no she doesn’t want that - but he doesn’t tend to listen to her. AIBU and if I’m not, should I talk to him about it myself?

OP posts:
peachgreen · 14/02/2022 11:45

I'm so sorry for what happened to you, OP. Flowers

It doesn't matter what we think, or what her dad thinks, or even what you think (though for the record I agree with you). Your DD isn't comfortable sharing a bed with her dad. That's that. He needs to find another solution.

Blahblahblah40 · 14/02/2022 11:57

She is 12, I’d suggest that if she isn’t comfortable with the set up she either stays with you this weekend and Dad next, or if she wants to see the visitors then she comes home to you at night. At 12 she is perfectly capable of deciding where she stays and has the vocabulary to explain it to her Dad as well.

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2022 12:02

@Lyonic

I would never let a stranger sleep in the same bed as my kid...

Your daughter should be happy to sleep beside her dad! The world has gone mad.

Are you mad?

She's 12!! Puberty?

saleorbouy · 14/02/2022 12:02

If your both of the occupants of the bed are OK with it then it's fine.
Would this be a question if reversed, a mother and her 12 year old DS?

Goopamz · 14/02/2022 12:04

Agree with what others have said. Your DD should be able to assert her own boundaries and be confident they will be respected. Not just for this particular situation, but if she feels her boundaries are not respected at home she could lose confidence asserting them in general. And she's getting to an age where you really want a daughter to be confident asserting boundaries!

iklboo · 14/02/2022 12:05

If your both of the occupants of the bed are OK with it then it's fine.

Daughter isn't fine with it, though.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2022 12:09

@Lyonic

I would never let a stranger sleep in the same bed as my kid...

Your daughter should be happy to sleep beside her dad! The world has gone mad.

She has a right to not want to share a confined sleeping space with anyone. I'm a grown up woman who's married. If I decide tomorrow I don't want to share a bed with DH, I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO so why should she with her Dad? Why can't he share with his son or take the sofa?

Op if he won't agree and she doesn't wNt to go, I wouldn't make her

newbiename · 14/02/2022 12:09

@saleorbouy

If your both of the occupants of the bed are OK with it then it's fine. Would this be a question if reversed, a mother and her 12 year old DS?
Yes it could be reversed if the DS wasn't happy. The DD is not happy to share with her Dad.
SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2022 12:12

@Howareyouflower

I would tell her to go and sleep on the sofa if he insists on sleeping in her bed. If she says no to him, it should be enough for him.
And this, about no. What is he teaching his 12 yo about her autonomy if he refuses to listen when she says no to something like this. It doesn't mean you or she thinks he's going to abuse her, but that she has the right to say no to sharing her personal space.
Crumbleburntbits · 14/02/2022 12:12

@Splobbins you are teaching your DD such an important lesson by standing up for her against her father.

I would send a hardline email or text to your scumbag ex ‘DD has said that you have visitors this weekend so her usual bed isn’t going to be available. She absolutely refuses to share a bed with you and will not be staying over unless alternative sleeping arrangements can be made for her. As a 12 year old, DD needs to sleep in her own separate bed and private sleeping area.’

I can see why he’s an ex!

Daenerys77 · 14/02/2022 12:13

Absolutely not OK. And presumably there are weekends when your daughter is not staying with her father-why can't he have his visitors then?

deeplyrooted · 14/02/2022 12:17

I think you’re right to have very strong boundaries around this OP particularly in light of your own history.

It doesn’t surprise me that you ended up in a relationship with someone who disregards other peoples boundaries. That may or may not be a flag for sexual abuse, but it is also a factor that puts your dd at risk of abuse from other men.

Having your feelings taken seriously and your autonomy respected is one of the most protective factors for our dc.

Her df is doing her a massive disservice. If she can’t safely say no to him, how is she supposed to manage it when it really matters.

You don’t need to justify this op. You’re 100% right. It’s more than enough reason that she doesn’t want to share a bed, and at 12 he should have more cop on.

CoffeeLover99 · 14/02/2022 12:18

I hate the OPs logic.

Surely sex/gender is irrelevant when it comes to your own children FFS.

But having said that, if daughter doesn't like to share a bed with anyone (regardless of gender), then that is fair.

Time to break out the sleeping bag and let daughter sleep on the floor

Beautiful3 · 14/02/2022 12:18

No that's inappropriate. In the same bed, at that age is not on. My daughters 12 and already started puberty. She wouldn't like to share her bed, nor would I expect her to. She doesn't even like anyone going into her bedroom. I think maybe you should have your daughter that weekend at night, so she has her own bed. He really shouldn't be giving up her bed, without asking her first.

Mucky1 · 14/02/2022 12:19

I would have shared with my dad at that age without a thought, That said if I hadn't have been comfortable with it I would have been listened to and it wouldn't have happened.

iklboo · 14/02/2022 12:26

Time to break out the sleeping bag and let daughter sleep on the floor

Or how about make her brother share the bed or sleep on the floor? Why does she have to make the sacrifice?

girlmom21 · 14/02/2022 12:26

@CoffeeLover99

I hate the OPs logic.

Surely sex/gender is irrelevant when it comes to your own children FFS.

But having said that, if daughter doesn't like to share a bed with anyone (regardless of gender), then that is fair.

Time to break out the sleeping bag and let daughter sleep on the floor

I agree. Her logic is massively flawed and a bit twisted but the outcome is that same.
MinnieMountain · 14/02/2022 12:27

It might be irrelevant from the parents’ POV @CoffeeLover99 but it clearly matters to the DD, which is what counts.

I am very aware that my 8yo DS won’t necessarily be comfortable getting in for a cuddle in a few years. Same goes for family nudity.

JeffThePilot · 14/02/2022 12:29

@saleorbouy

If your both of the occupants of the bed are OK with it then it's fine. Would this be a question if reversed, a mother and her 12 year old DS?
It’s a question because both occupants are not OK with it.
Hdhr8jsj · 14/02/2022 12:30

Is she doesn't want it then its not okay. Simple as that.

My DS chose to sleep in my bed for a few weeks aged 12 after a traumatic event. Nothing wrong with it in these circumstances.

DDivaStar · 14/02/2022 12:32

I wouldn't have any issue with it being generally appropriate. However any change i her sleeping arrangements/ use of her room should be agreed with her in advance.

Ricksteinsfishwife · 14/02/2022 12:41

I don’t really agree your over riding logic op, but understand your history maybe swaying it. I can absolutely say I’d have no concerns about my daughter sharing a bed for one night with my husband, her father, than me doing it.

On saying that though. He needs to take her feelings into account. And I’d be very concerned she’s so upset at the thought of sleeping beside her own father.

Original poster
Splobbins · 14/02/2022 12:46

Surely sex/gender is irrelevant when it comes to your own children FFS

I can't see this. It seems very different to me, once they've reached puberty. That's why we have separate changing rooms etc. Because of the need for privacy from the opposite sex, particularly for females. I don't see why it's OK just because it's a parent - you do realise most sexual abuse is from family members and known/trusted adults right? Again, that's not to say I am accusing ex of that, but it's absolutely not true that it's automatically fine if it's a parent.

OP posts:
Mayorquimby2 · 14/02/2022 12:46

@PlainJaneSuperbrainthe2nd

So to answer your question - your reasoning is unreasonable, but if your daughter doesn't want to share with her Dad at this stage then, yes, back her up. Hope that makes sense!
This essentially.

Nothing wrong with a dad and daughter sharing a bed, I do think it's unreasonable for the dad to push ahead with the plan if his daughter is uncomfortable with it.

Original poster
Splobbins · 14/02/2022 12:49

peachgreen and chateaumargaux thanks for your kindness.

OP posts:
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