To think ex shouldn’t share bed with 12yo DD?

[Splobbins]

Namechanged for this thread but am a longstanding regular.

DD told me that when she’s staying at ex’s this weekend, he’s having visitors and plans to give them his bed and he will sleep in hers - with her. She’s already been upset that he’s given guests her bed when she’s not there, without asking her (and always her bed, not DS’s). I said he should ask her first, but when she told me he wants to actually share her bed I was horrified. It is a double bed but that doesn’t make it ok imo. And he has other options like the sofa.

DD has started puberty and cares a lot about her privacy and private space. Ex has only recently moved and been able to give the dc their own rooms instead of sharing with her older brother.

However I searched for threads on this and quite a few responses to similar questions were that it’s fine and up to the dad, and that it’s ok for mums so it’s ok for dads too. I find that appalling - yes DD gets in my bed sometimes but we’re the same sex and I think it’s totally different in terms of how it makes her feel and the inappropriateness.

However I grew up in a home with zero boundaries and was sexually abused by my dad - so I can see I might have a distorted view.

DD has said she will tell him no she doesn’t want that - but he doesn’t tend to listen to her. AIBU and if I’m not, should I talk to him about it myself?

The only person who's opinion matters is DD. If she doesnt want to, it doesn't happen. My teen DD is happy to share with me but wouldn't have shared with dh from age 8ish
If her Df wont listen then she needs to advocate for her or stay with you while he has visitors

Ds is an older teen. I think he has a single bed (not totally sure as ex has just moved, but that’s what ds prefers here).

There’s definitely an issue with ex not taking DD’s feelings and needs seriously, and he doesn’t seem to see either of them as the ages they are, but treats them as if they were younger.

Thanks for all your responses, it really helps to discuss it.

I would speak to him, who are the visitors staying over ?

I don't see an issue with a parent and child sleeping together per se, but as she is becoming more private he should respect this and not encroach!

I don’t think it’s the age or gender that’s important here; it’s how DD feels about it. My DS is just a little younger than her and still gets in with me regularly. I’d never stop him from doing so, but I wont get into his bed unless he asks me too, if that makes sense? The child’s feelings and boundaries are the most important thing here.

My concern would be that whatever arrangement is agreed in advance, can be changed once there.

Her dad clearly isn't very bothered about what she wants and has prioritised his own wants - to have his friends to stay, pushing her wishes aside. That's only going to erode further once he's busy and relaxed with his friends.

She and her brother would have to be on the same page and willing to assert themselves.

Will that happen?

It’s just that 12yo girl and adult man shouldn’t be asleep in the same bed imo. Even if it is her dad. Of course her not wanting it is also important and should decide the matter - but I still find it weird either way. What if the man has an erection in his sleep or gets confused while half asleep and thinks he’s in bed with a woman? Or am I being daft?

In this specific case you are being daft. A 12 year old girl who is comfortable with it sharing a bed with her father as a one off is a complete nonissue and you are letting your own experiences (understandably) cloud your judgement here.

Her not wanting to is not also important, it's the most (and I think only) important part.

If you go into this framing the problem as a father sharing with his daughter being wrong full stop I wouldn't be surprised if your ex told you to butt out. You need to frame this in terms of your daughters wants , feelings and boundaries, which she has every right to and need to be respected.

Re could she stay with me, yes that’s a possibility for the night time but I’m out during the day and she wouldn’t want to be left alone all day. It would also be tricky with ex as he’d make a fuss and make her feel bad.

@Splobbins

Re could she stay with me, yes that’s a possibility for the night time but I’m out during the day and she wouldn’t want to be left alone all day. It would also be tricky with ex as he’d make a fuss and make her feel bad.

Oh come on. Your daughter feels uncomfortable and you agree with her but you won't cancel or change your plans to support her?

If she is not comfortable with sharing the bed with him he is out of order. He should avoid having guests when the kids are there if he can't organise other sleeping arrangements.

Allowing guests to use the bed when she is not there I think is okay so long as using a topper which can be washed with the other bedding before she is using it again.

Why doesn't she have her brothers room and her brother bunk in with her dad? Or she has an inflatable bed on the floor of her brothers room? Has she actually discussed it with her father?

I have DD’s when younger they’d get in to bed with me.

They stopped when they reached puberty. It was their decision.

The father is completely in the wrong here. If DD does not want to share a bed with her father she should not have to.

What’s happening with DS’s room? Where is DS sleeping? Why can’t the father share with his son?

If the ex won’t listen give your DD the option to stay at home with you.

It doesn’t matter if posters on here shared beds with their kids till they were fifty.

DD is not comfortable with it, she should not have to. The father can sleep on the sofa, share a bed with his son, get a blow up mattress and sleep on his sons bedroom floor. Ask guests to stay at an air bnb. Give your dd the option of staying with you and make up the overnight some other time. There’s lots of options. What does he gain from ignoring his child’s boundaries?

And re DS, he just wants a quiet life and would do his best to stay out of it. He would probably think DD is right but not want to have to argue with his dad about it.

I agree if I’m going to raise it it is on the basis of her feelings and that’s what matters. I can also tell her that I can come and get her if necessary. But that would really annoy him.

Totally agree that you need to back your DD up if she's not comfortable. But I just wanted to mention this.

To me it’s similar to nudity - just not something you would do around a child of the opposite sex past the age of 7 or so.

It's perfectly normal for families to be nude around each other, at any age.

It's personal preference whether you feel comfortable about that or not, and many don't - but no, it's not normal to start hiding your body from your DC at 7.

We don't prance about naked in my house as a rule! But if one of the DC needs to come in the bathroom when I'm in the bath, that's fine. Which does happen as we only have the one.

Or if we need to get changed quickly and we're in the same room for some reason, it's not a big deal. I'm not saying everyone should be like that! But that different families have different approaches to nudity, there isn't a set cut off at 7 or whatever. (FWIW, my DC are primary and secondary age, girl and boy).

It invades her privacy, and at an extremely sensitive age too. Not appropriate.

I wouldn't be making her go if he can't guarantee that she will have her bed to herself, without him in it. I'd be telling him exactly why too. Very bluntly.

Why can't he just get a single air bed? £10.

Allowing guests to use the bed when she is not there I think is okay so long as using a topper which can be washed

Surely you just wash the bedding? Toppers are hard work to wash and dry. Why is it an awful thing if someone sleeps on clean sheets in a bed? We do that in hotels all the time.

Strip away everything else, and you have a young girl who doesn't feel comfortable with the situation, and who wants her privacy.

That's enough for it not to happen.

Otherwise what are you teaching her about putting boundaries in place?

@Chely The guests could be other family relations we don't know.

However what isn't right is to make a child over 8 share a bed when they don't want to when sleeping on the floor is a viable alternative.

Very inappropriate imo.

As you say he (or even dd) could sleep on the sofa.

My nearly 14 year old dd would probably be ok with sleeping in a bed with her dad and he's the safest person in the world to her but he wouldn't put her in that position.

YANBU At 12 I would have been mortified to sleep in the same bedroom as either of my parents. Not because I thought anything untoward would have happened but because I was aware that I wanted privacy. I think it's an unreasonable request to make of DD in the first place and especially if she is uncomfortable with the situation.

If she’s not happy with it then it’s absolutely not ok. She should have her privacy and boundaries respected.

I remember vividly at that age being very self-conscious about my body, including around my male family members.

It’s completely inappropriate

I'd either let he stay with me, or she would go into the brothers room with the single bed, and the dad and brother can share a bed.

How you feel about it is irrelevant.

Your daughter doesn't want to share her bed. Her dad either respects that or she doesn't go this time.