To think ex shouldn’t share bed with 12yo DD?

[Splobbins]

Namechanged for this thread but am a longstanding regular.

DD told me that when she’s staying at ex’s this weekend, he’s having visitors and plans to give them his bed and he will sleep in hers - with her. She’s already been upset that he’s given guests her bed when she’s not there, without asking her (and always her bed, not DS’s). I said he should ask her first, but when she told me he wants to actually share her bed I was horrified. It is a double bed but that doesn’t make it ok imo. And he has other options like the sofa.

DD has started puberty and cares a lot about her privacy and private space. Ex has only recently moved and been able to give the dc their own rooms instead of sharing with her older brother.

However I searched for threads on this and quite a few responses to similar questions were that it’s fine and up to the dad, and that it’s ok for mums so it’s ok for dads too. I find that appalling - yes DD gets in my bed sometimes but we’re the same sex and I think it’s totally different in terms of how it makes her feel and the inappropriateness.

However I grew up in a home with zero boundaries and was sexually abused by my dad - so I can see I might have a distorted view.

DD has said she will tell him no she doesn’t want that - but he doesn’t tend to listen to her. AIBU and if I’m not, should I talk to him about it myself?

Your view is distorted because you were abused.
She doesn’t want to so that’s enough of an issue and he should respect that.
If she wanted to, then there’s absolutely no issue as he is her dad and the majority of parents do not abuse their children.
Speak to him and tell him she isn’t happy and if he still insists then he’s being weird and unreasonable and shouldn’t be having her to stay at all.

If she's not comfortable then yes you need to be her advocate. It's an incredibly important message to reinforce, that she doesn't have to do something she's uncomfortable with, and you will back her up.

P.S I think you sound like a great mum, thinking about her comfort in this.

And for those who aren't sure, just think about the flip side... even if you believe it's not an issue to share the bed, if you insist when the child is unhappy about it, what message would you be sending to her? That other people are more important than her privacy and bodily autonomy, that if she comes to you in the future to say something far worse has happened, you'll tell her to suck it up.

The fact that he isn't listening is worrying.

I wouldn't have been able to share a bed with my Dad either at that age.

It was a complicated situation and abuse was involved and I would have been utterly repulsed.

Your ex should also be more understanding because of your history too op and how triggering this is for you.

I would say to him that it's fine that he has guests - dd has decided she will just stay home where she has her own bed on those weekends.

I do just want to say that you're doing incredible to consider her comfort in this and not discount her feelings, teaching her to respect her own boundaries with a misogynistic dad comes from you and advocating for her even when it's difficult will empower her so much!

Omg no this is not appropriate!!! What is the matter with people saying it’s fine - honestly. Absolutely you should step in and say something OP- your poor DD.

Thanks to people saying I'm a good mum, that's kind of you... I am very much a feminist and think it's important to teach kids about boundaries, equality and respect and so on, but somehow managed to give my kids a very non-feminist model in my relationship, despite all my efforts, and I feel awful about that.

I think it's sad you are leaving it for her to make this decision now when you already know she isn't comfortable. Guilt and obligation will make her say "okay". I really wish you would stand up for her.

I'm quite shocked that there are posters saying "of course it's fine, what's your problem" - rates of CSA are really quite appallingly high, and in this report, from one set of data, just less than 1/3 of offenders are family members (Of course not just fathers, could be brothers/uncles/grandfathers and even the females, although 80%+ are male). bravehearts.org.au/what-we-do/research/child-sexual-abuse-facts-stats/prevalence-of-child-sexual-abuse/

I have no doubt that you're all totally sure that your husband/partner/father etc. "wouldn't do that" - but how do you KNOW. So often this happens without the mother's knowledge!

@Splobbins - I think you should make arrangements to call your DD, at the very least, while she's at your ex's, and specifically ASK her where she is sleeping, and then fetch her if she's not comfortable. I understand you want to give her agency in this, but her Dad might shame her into thinking she's being silly, and then not let her call you - so you must take the initiative and call her.

Yanbu. The worrying parts are the fact that he didn’t discuss it with her and ‘he doesn’t tend to listen to her’. Help her get out of this one in whatever way you can.

I’d be tempted to put it gently in writing just in case. ‘Hi, X, not sure whether DD has the wrong end of the stick here so could you just confirm sleeping arrangements for this weekend. Is she right in thinking that the plan is for you two to share a bed?’

Also my dad has never been anything other than entirely appropriate and decent, and I wouldn’t have wanted to share a bed with him at 12, nor would I want to now. Not because he’d do anything. Just cos it’s weird.

BadNomad I'm not – she will tell him (not on the day, beforehand) if she feels able to, but if she doesn't I will be telling him, and I'll also be checking what actually happens at the time so that I can pick her up if he is insisting. I'm giving her a chance to tell him before I do, with her agreement, because it's better for everyone if I keep my butting in to a minimum, but I will butt in as necessary and make clear it's not happening, and if he doesn't agree, I will be physically making sure it's not happening.

Oh good. I misunderstood sorry. I thought by "if she's able to" you meant if she felt able to share the bed or not.

Not quite the same but I remember as a child being forcibly held down and tickled and it was actually awful, not a bit funny, but completely unable to say "stop" because it had been drummed into me that it's rude to say no to your elders. I know a lot of adults now, men and women, who still think that way. It's dangerous.

This is NOT okay.

BadNomad oh I see - sorry you are right that was unclear. No it’s just whether she feels able to stand up to him.

Something I found myself when with him, was when someone doesn’t tend to listen to you or respect your needs and feelings, it gets harder and harder to even express them because that feeling of being disregarded by someone who’s supposed to love you is horrible, and you start to just avoid it. So I am not pushing her to talk to him, and will step in if needed.

@girlmom21 - perhaps OP is out working...... maybe give her the benefit of the doubt, she's obviously invested in her DD's wellbeing

May I just add to the other comments, as a mother you're doing right by your daughter. You are an amazing mother to acknowledge your daughters concern's.

Let her know your support her both vocally and no matter what - will be there to support her and take her home if she is feeling vulnerable or uncomfortable in her surroundings.

Another post suggested calling her once she's arrived, brilliant advice. Someone else suggested you make contact with the father and ask about the sleeping arrangements. Again sound advice, do both and I will add be sure to record both calls. Just in case this ever gets thrown back at your daughter or even yourself.

Be strong, you are beyond amazing and a warrior that's called Mum x