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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex shouldn’t share bed with 12yo DD?

242 replies

Splobbins · 14/02/2022 09:02

Namechanged for this thread but am a longstanding regular.

DD told me that when she’s staying at ex’s this weekend, he’s having visitors and plans to give them his bed and he will sleep in hers - with her. She’s already been upset that he’s given guests her bed when she’s not there, without asking her (and always her bed, not DS’s). I said he should ask her first, but when she told me he wants to actually share her bed I was horrified. It is a double bed but that doesn’t make it ok imo. And he has other options like the sofa.

DD has started puberty and cares a lot about her privacy and private space. Ex has only recently moved and been able to give the dc their own rooms instead of sharing with her older brother.

However I searched for threads on this and quite a few responses to similar questions were that it’s fine and up to the dad, and that it’s ok for mums so it’s ok for dads too. I find that appalling - yes DD gets in my bed sometimes but we’re the same sex and I think it’s totally different in terms of how it makes her feel and the inappropriateness.

However I grew up in a home with zero boundaries and was sexually abused by my dad - so I can see I might have a distorted view.

DD has said she will tell him no she doesn’t want that - but he doesn’t tend to listen to her. AIBU and if I’m not, should I talk to him about it myself?

OP posts:
LunaMay · 14/02/2022 10:30

Is it possible she comes home to you for the night and then you drop her back in the morning?

I don't see it as a big deal if the daughter is ok with it but she isn't. A lot of people are jumping on the father here when the daughter hasn't told her she's uncomfortable with it. If you speak to him that's what you should focus on. If he doesn't respect that then i'd be suggesting other arrangements for the night, if he wants to kick up a fuss then surely others will tell him how unreasonable he is being.

CrunchyNotMe · 14/02/2022 10:31

There are 2 elements to your post here OP.

  1. Can a father share a bed with her daughter? 100%. To me, age does not even matter.
  1. However if your daughter does not feel comfortable about it, then she should be listened to.
tiffanyheart · 14/02/2022 10:32

No. I think it's inappropriate at that age. I'm surprised how many people have said they think it's ok

inheritancetrack · 14/02/2022 10:32

If your DD is not happy with this then the answer is no. She can sleep on the couch or he can. Maybe dad doesn't realise she has started puberty and isn't a little girl anymore?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/02/2022 10:34

I don't see how he, or anyone, thinks that's appropriate.

I stopped allowing DS1 into my bed when he started puberty, as he was very shy about it, and I didn't want to make him more uncomfortable - he deserved his privacy then and your DD deserves hers now.

It IS a very different prospect sharing with an adult of a different sex, and I don't think it's unreasonable of you to feel cautious. Your ex may be perfectly fine but equally he may not, and you can't know until it's too late - I wouldn't take the risk.

Marvellousmadness · 14/02/2022 10:34

If your dd doesn't want it : fine.
But your reasoning is very way too coloured by your own past and is U.

Somuddled · 14/02/2022 10:35

Irs only fine if the child involved feels it is fine. She doesn't, so it isn't.

Comedycook · 14/02/2022 10:36

@Marvellousmadness

If your dd doesn't want it : fine. But your reasoning is very way too coloured by your own past and is U.
I don't think so. I've never been abused in my life and I think the bed sharing in this situation is incredibly inappropriate
BowerOfBramble · 14/02/2022 10:37

I remember going on a trip with my dad at that age and even sharing a ROOM felt awkward (twin beds), it's such a horrible time of your life. Didn't give a toss and happy to share with any family member before 12 or after about 15. I would have possibly died if I'd had to share a bed. Your poor daughter.

I would never put my kid through such a humiliating experience (to her) - I'd tell my ex he could either sleep on the sofa/an air mattress or I WOULD be coming to pick up DD any time of the night.

good luck dealing with this, I can sense how much you don't like to annoy him but in this case you're just going to have to x

BowerOfBramble · 14/02/2022 10:41

I also agree that this is v different from sitting in bed watching a film together, or coming in in the morning for a chat or breakfast in bed.

When people are asleep they don't know what they're doing, if their clothes are in the right place, what their limbs are doing. That's why we allow people to choose who they share a bed with.

Gonnagetgoing · 14/02/2022 10:42

As DD isn't happy then no it's not ok. He could easily get a Z bed or put up bed and a fancy screen so she has privacy and a separate space - suggestion for a temporary compromise.

Phobiaphobic · 14/02/2022 10:44

Not appropriate. Even if he's harmless and well intentioned, what if he got an erection in his sleep? Horribly embarrassing for her. If I were the bloke concerned, I would not want to put myself in this position.

Gonnagetgoing · 14/02/2022 10:45

@tiffanyheart

No. I think it's inappropriate at that age. I'm surprised how many people have said they think it's ok
@tiffanyheart - I think some forget how they were at that age. It would've appalled me then!

My stepdad when I was 14 - I was off or something from school - can't recall with what maybe half term maybe anxiety but had a trip with him for his work - I think to the Mary Rose - I was mortified due to being on my period but he and my DM were very understanding, stopping to go to Boots, toilets etc if I needed it!

Georgeskitchen · 14/02/2022 10:50

12 is a very awkward age for girls , and probably for boys as well. I wouldn't be comfortable sharing a bed with my dad at that age. Roll back a few years and I would have been fine. In fact I used get in between my mum and dad most nights 😀

BearimyJeremy · 14/02/2022 10:52

My 12 year old son pottered in to my bed last week as he was anxious about a hospital appointment and that didn't seem odd at all but it was at his request not me insisting on it.

If she was fine with it it wouldn't be an issue, but the key thing is she really doesn't want to so I reckon he should put up with the sofa to make sure she's not made to feel uncomfortable.

Wafflesnsniffles · 14/02/2022 10:55

I think its highly inappropriate - for any child over the age of about 10 really - unless both parent and child are totally fine about it and nothing untoward going on.
My teen daughter wouldnt ever share a double bed with me even though we are very close. Even less keen to share with her dad.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/02/2022 10:56

There’s nothing wrong w it in principle as an occasional thing

But there is if your daughter - especially as an adolescent girl - isn’t comfortable with it.

You give the impression that relations with your ex aren’t great. So I would make it very much about your daughter’s feelings, and your duty as a mother to protect her bodily autonomy. Be firm, but not criticise his parental choices.

AgathaAllAlong · 14/02/2022 10:59

What if the man has an erection in his sleep or gets confused while half asleep and thinks he’s in bed with a woman?

I think this is very very unreasonable. I've never confused my little DS for a man when he's shared a bed with me. He's my son, I know who he is better than I would recognise anyone else, even when asleep. And if that is what is bothering you, then why do you think its ok for a male child to sleep in the same bed as a dad?

I think your history is colouring your perception. BUT. if DD is uncomfortable, that's reason enough not to do it.

CharlieBoo · 14/02/2022 10:59

When my kids dad takes them to his parents house a few hours drive away .. my 12 year old shares a bed with her dad! She has no issues with that and I don’t consider it weird! He’s her dad! If she doesn’t want to then you need to have that conversation with him.

Thewindwhispers · 14/02/2022 11:00

He shouldn’t force her to sleep in the same bed as him if she doesn’t want to. Tell her she is unhappy with his plan, and suggest he come up with an alternative that makes her comfortable, eg she visit a different weekend when he doesn’t have guests, or she or dad sleep on sofa.

(That said, you do seem to have very conservative views on it if you think nudity in front of opposite sex children is taboo. What about German mixed sex nude saunas? My son sees me naked after a shower all the time, it is definitely not sexy 🤣🤣 I think it’s a good thing for him to know that women don’t really look like computer-edited models.)

elisenbrunnen · 14/02/2022 11:00

Your daughter should be happy to sleep beside her dad! The world has gone mad. - there is no should about it. If she feels she doesn't want to sleep with anyone, even her father, that should be upheld.

Is that what you are teaching your daughters, @lyronic? They should pander to the males? Do as she's told, just because? Does your daughter have bodily autonomy?

Your attitude is worrying.

busyeatingbiscuits · 14/02/2022 11:01

I definitely wouldn't have wanted to share a bed with any adult, even my dad, aged 12.

Her wishes should be respected.

iklboo · 14/02/2022 11:01

Your daughter should be happy to sleep beside her dad! The world has gone mad.

Christ, not you again. A TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL should be happy sleeping with her dad? You're the mad one.

MerryMarigold · 14/02/2022 11:03

I think it's more to do with issues with your Ex. My DCs (13yo) often end up in bed with me or DH (we have separate double beds due to his snoring). It's pretty much every night and DD is often in with him rather than sleep alone. She does prefer sleeping with me, as does her DB! But she still loves the warmth/ company/ I don't know of sharing with a parent. I know it won't last much longer so just enjoy for now.

beachcitygirl · 14/02/2022 11:05

Yanbu

A lot of men (inadvertently & involuntarily) wake up with a morning glory.
How bloody hideous if that happened accidentally when sharing with a self conscious teenager.

It just shouldn't be a thing adult men sharing beds with teenage kids (or either Sex) Yuk