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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex shouldn’t share bed with 12yo DD?

242 replies

Splobbins · 14/02/2022 09:02

Namechanged for this thread but am a longstanding regular.

DD told me that when she’s staying at ex’s this weekend, he’s having visitors and plans to give them his bed and he will sleep in hers - with her. She’s already been upset that he’s given guests her bed when she’s not there, without asking her (and always her bed, not DS’s). I said he should ask her first, but when she told me he wants to actually share her bed I was horrified. It is a double bed but that doesn’t make it ok imo. And he has other options like the sofa.

DD has started puberty and cares a lot about her privacy and private space. Ex has only recently moved and been able to give the dc their own rooms instead of sharing with her older brother.

However I searched for threads on this and quite a few responses to similar questions were that it’s fine and up to the dad, and that it’s ok for mums so it’s ok for dads too. I find that appalling - yes DD gets in my bed sometimes but we’re the same sex and I think it’s totally different in terms of how it makes her feel and the inappropriateness.

However I grew up in a home with zero boundaries and was sexually abused by my dad - so I can see I might have a distorted view.

DD has said she will tell him no she doesn’t want that - but he doesn’t tend to listen to her. AIBU and if I’m not, should I talk to him about it myself?

OP posts:
Flickflak · 14/02/2022 09:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

EveningOverRooftops · 14/02/2022 10:01

If your DD doesn’t want to share and her father is imposing it on her then that’s a major erosion of her boundaries and a cause for concern.

Your DD must be allowed to uphold her own boundaries around her own privacy whatever her boundaries are but as parents you must allow her to have those.

How does she feel about the guests he has staying? I’d be wondering if she’s refusing to share a bed with her father so he has nowhere to sleep so the guests can’t stay as well and she may be uncomfortable around those guests.

BadNomad · 14/02/2022 10:06

Dad and DS can top n tail in the double. DD can take the single. It's very wrong to force her to share a bed with a grown man.

jytdtysrht · 14/02/2022 10:06

He doesn’t sound like he respects her feelings at all. I have 2 teens (boy and girl) and both are happy to get into bed with me or dh (any combination) and we often do on holiday. However they are happy with this and that’s the difference. Your dd doesn’t want this so it shouldn’t happen.

Lilymossflower · 14/02/2022 10:08

Your daughter is not happy with it. So he needs to respect her autonomy as an individual and he needs to sleep on the sofa. Don't know why he wouldn't sleep on the sofa in the first place tbh.

cookiemonster2468 · 14/02/2022 10:08

I think your past may be clouding your feelings - I have known lots of people who would be happy sharing a bed with an opposite sex parent. You're both her parents and presumably have no malicious intent.

However, the fact that she's not comfortable with it means obviously she doesn't have to.

Laburnam · 14/02/2022 10:09

How about borrowing an inflatable mattress if she's not comfortable, she can be in the same room but on the floor?

Duracellbunnywannabe · 14/02/2022 10:11

On all child protection training I’ve on this is always used an example case study - the answer is always it’s fine as long as it’s the child’s choice and they have a option of sleeping somewhere else. It isn’t her choice and she doesn’t have an alternative so no its not acceptable.

Soontobe60 · 14/02/2022 10:11

@Lyonic

I would never let a stranger sleep in the same bed as my kid...

Your daughter should be happy to sleep beside her dad! The world has gone mad.

No no no! A child should be allowed their own boundaries, it is for them to decide who they share a bed with! For all sorts of reasons!
endofagain · 14/02/2022 10:12

A decent, thoughtful father would not want to make his daughter uncomfortable. IMO.

ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 10:12

@Lyonic

I would never let a stranger sleep in the same bed as my kid...

Your daughter should be happy to sleep beside her dad! The world has gone mad.

Should be, @Lyonic?

A 12 year old girl gets no choice, & is not allowed to advocate for her own privacy & comfort?

Small wonder girls are still growing into women with no personal agency, poor boundaries, & lack of assertiveness of this is the parental expectation of them.

PickledOnionSandwich · 14/02/2022 10:14

The main thing here is that she’s uncomfortable, not that it’s her dad. I’m sure my DS wouldn’t have wanted to share with me at that age and I’m his mum! Yet he regularly shared with me up until the age of about 7, I practically had to shoehorn him out of there in fact 😂

Looubylou · 14/02/2022 10:14

If your daughter isn't happy with the situation, it's not OK. I'd speak on her behalf. I'm female, and my 11yearold son, Y6, likes to read together and fall asleep in my bed with a cuddle (gets moved later). I'm not throwing him out yet, but it's a very different situation. He has not hit puberty, and he finds it comforting - it's entirely his choice which bed to go in.

52andblue · 14/02/2022 10:15

@hesbeen2021

A 12 year old girl should not be sharing a bed with an adult male against her will I'm not going to write the obvious reasons why as never know who will be getting off on posts like this
THIS, exactly!!!

OP, don't let your awareness of your own history cloud things. Your daughter has clearly said she doesnt want it. As her Dad 'doesn't listen to her' I think you have to step in on her behalf and say a firm NO.

GeneLovesJezebel · 14/02/2022 10:16

As a child I went to my DF/SM every other weekend and didn’t want to sleep there, I wanted to go home.
So I’d say to all DP’s in this situation, please let your kids know they can be at home if that’s what they choose.

billy1966 · 14/02/2022 10:17

@notanoccultexpert

Strip away everything else, and you have a young girl who doesn't feel comfortable with the situation, and who wants her privacy.

That's enough for it not to happen.

Otherwise what are you teaching her about putting boundaries in place?

This.

I would be concerned that her father is so disrespectful of her, and so should you.

Flowers
Thatsplentyjack · 14/02/2022 10:21

I was actually going to say I don't see the problem but then I thought back to being a 12 year old girl and I would have been horrified if my dad wanted to share my bed.

ChargingBuck · 14/02/2022 10:21

@Louisianagumbo

I don’t suppose a twelve year girl wants to share a room or a bed with her father on a regular basis Whether sharing a bed is right or wrong, you're wrong in making out this is a regular thing. It's one weekend. And lots have family's have visitors and you have to double up. Talking of court over this is extreme.
Whether it is a regular thing or a one-off - it's out of order. Once is too often.

And from a father who has form with he doesn’t tend to listen to her, the next step should be that he listens to his DD's mother, or the visits stop, & he can listen to SS or the court.

Thatsplentyjack · 14/02/2022 10:23

@Laburnam

How about borrowing an inflatable mattress if she's not comfortable, she can be in the same room but on the floor?
Or how about the dad goes on the floor Confused
StScholastica · 14/02/2022 10:23

Stop saying that her past is clouding her reasoning. She's being perfectly rational and standing up for her DD who does not feel comfortable.
The ex can sleep on the sofa since he gave her bed away to his guest.
My DH wouldn't dream of sleeping in the same bed as 12 Yr old DD.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 14/02/2022 10:25

I don’t think it’s ok. I trust my ex completely but would not be happy for him to share a bed with 12yo dd. She wouldn’t be comfortable and tbh he wouldn’t dream of suggesting it.

I wouldn’t sleep in a bed with my teenage son either, I think he would feel really uncomfortable and I wouldn’t feel it was appropriate. Of course I give him a hug and we have a great relationship but at his age, opposite sexes, it just isn’t right.

Bottom line is, if your dd isn’t comfortable it isn’t ok. To the poster who said ‘she should feel comfortable sharing a bed with her dad, the world’s gone mad’ - way to encourage bodily autonomy and enforcing her own boundaries, to say that she should ignore her own discomfort and tell her it’s wrong, ffs!!

Kuachui · 14/02/2022 10:27

i personally think shes just that bit too old now aswell and can imagine it wont be comfortable for her.

even if nothing sexual goes on because he may not be abusive doesnt mean it should happen.

CatSpeakForDummies · 14/02/2022 10:28

If your DS would be happy sharing with his dad, then I would encourage both of them to say that DD will have his single bed and he can share the double with the dad.

Your DD needs to know she can call you to collect her if he pushes the matter after this has been proposed.

Kuachui · 14/02/2022 10:28

again I think theres a differencd to sleeping in a bed with 12 yr dd to having cuddles in bed in the morning for example

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 14/02/2022 10:28

@BobHadBitchTits

How you feel about it is irrelevant.

Your daughter doesn't want to share her bed. Her dad either respects that or she doesn't go this time.

This precisely. I wouldn’t have dreamt of sleeping with my 12 year old son or daughter! They have every reason and right to say NO. Should we have ever been short of beds then we’d have used air mattresses, no big deal.