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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“I didn’t think we were bothering this year”

272 replies

BBOA · 14/02/2022 08:37

Arghhhhh! What a twat! Speaks volumes! Are men/partners/ wives / significant others that stupid?

OP posts:
HeadToToesNo · 14/02/2022 08:40

We aren't bothering this year. We do nice stuff for each other through out the year.

Assuming this is about Valentines day?

Cleanbedlinen12 · 14/02/2022 08:41

Cba. He’s only ever managed crap from a garage. Feels forced. Rather have crap from a garage without the prompts!

lastqueenofscotland · 14/02/2022 08:43

Me and DP have never done Valentine’s Day. We do nice stuff for each other all year round…
Sounds like a communication issue here

ineedsun · 14/02/2022 08:43

We’ve not bothered either, actually that’s not true. I bought him a heart donut with a love heart thing on it saying ‘happy’ yesterday because he was being a miserable twat.

Did you say you weren’t bothering and expect him to know that he was supposed to do something anyway or did he make that decision on his own?

PurpleDaisies · 14/02/2022 08:44

We aren’t. What had you agreed on before today?

ShadowsInTheDarkness · 14/02/2022 08:44

Oh god, this is me! I really didn't think we were, it's never been a day we have made much fuss over and we have a busy hectic week coming up so I thought we had agreed to drop valentines. And now apparently he's got me a card and I feel bad!

Really hoping he's not thinking something like this and reading things into my lack of valentines effort. It just feels a bit trivial and tacky to make a huge effort on one day when we both make a point of showing we love each other on a daily basis. Guess I'd better head to the shops and buy a card!

WheelieBinPrincess · 14/02/2022 08:45

We bothering in the sense that I bought some steak and DH will pick up wine and then we will watch a violent film, as is tradition. Cba with cards, flowers, thé like. It’s not really a hugely important day like a birthday or anniversary. But we discuss these things beforehand, like grown ups, so our expectations are on the same level.

Lockheart · 14/02/2022 08:45

It rather depends why he doesn't think you were bothering this year.

Nidan2Sandan · 14/02/2022 08:47

Completely forgot it was valentines day till about 2 minutes ago 😆

We never do anything for it, feels very forced. It's a Hallmark holiday and I find the folk that obsess about it a bit pathetic tbh. Why do you need to have your other half prove he loves you today, and not the other 364 days of the year just because the calendar says he should. Utter nonsense

elizabethdraper · 14/02/2022 08:50

Hadn't a clue it was valentines day until until my husband started looking for a valentine shag this morning Grin

BarbaraofSeville · 14/02/2022 08:50

Exactly @Nidan2Sandan. Unless you're a decent, thoughtful partner who pulls their weight the rest of the year, it's a bit meaningless to act like grand gestures on Valentines Day (and Christmas, Birthdays etc etc) when the calendar and retailers try and oblige people to do so somehow make up for not bothering the rest of the year.

VashtaNerada · 14/02/2022 08:52

I think this depends on the couple. Some couples don’t bother and some have big celebrations. Either is fine IMO but if one of you likes to celebrate and one doesn’t, then a conversation needs to take place. And if you have made an effort on previous years and then suddenly stop without warning that can be quite upsetting.

EsmeSusanOgg · 14/02/2022 08:54

We usually don't, but it's been hectic this year and I said I'd like to. We got each other cute cards. Job done.

Laiste · 14/02/2022 08:54

I think if you've decided you aren't bothering at the very least it's good manners to inform your other half.

Before the day itself.

RagzRebooted · 14/02/2022 08:55

@Nidan2Sandan

Completely forgot it was valentines day till about 2 minutes ago 😆

We never do anything for it, feels very forced. It's a Hallmark holiday and I find the folk that obsess about it a bit pathetic tbh. Why do you need to have your other half prove he loves you today, and not the other 364 days of the year just because the calendar says he should. Utter nonsense

This is us too. Half the time we forget our wedding anniversary!
DropYourSword · 14/02/2022 08:57

@BBOA

Arghhhhh! What a twat! Speaks volume’s! Are men/partners/ wives / significant others that stupid?
Depends. Did you set him up to fail by saying you weren't going to bother this year?

Or did he just invent this himself?

If you agreed not to do it, then it's really unfair to complain.

Okki · 14/02/2022 08:57

We both forgot. DH had apparently bought a card but forgot to write it. We have 364 other days of the year as well to be loving. They're the days that are a measure of our relationship, not today. I guess I might think differently if it was a new relationship but it's not 😁.

DartmoorChef · 14/02/2022 08:58

We have never bothered with valentines day.

Runnerduck34 · 14/02/2022 09:00

I think it's a bit sad not to bother, can be low key but it's still nice to show you care.
If you dont bother it definitely has to be mutually agreed, not just one person just deciding they cba!
But really how hard is it to get a card, a small gift and perhaps have a cosy evening with a box set and a takeaway.
Of course you can show each other love and appreciation throughout the year , and you could say the same about mothers day, fathers day etc but imo it's nice to mark these occasions. It's a small thing to do and why would you potentially upset someone you love by not bothering.
OP if you have different expectations it is hurtful so from experience I think talking about these events in advance and planning together is a good idea, maybe not as romantic but at least no bitter disappointments!
Hope OH comes home with a card and gift after work for you.

WheelieBinPrincess · 14/02/2022 09:00

Honestly it’s only 9:00am on a Monday morning, some of you need to chill out before sacking the whole day off.

Wedonttalkabout · 14/02/2022 09:00

We chose not to this year

woodhill · 14/02/2022 09:00

We aren't either but going away midweek

Custardtartandcoffee · 14/02/2022 09:00

We aren’t doing anything today. But we went out for a lovely meal on Saturday evening - and when we saw a rose of the table, decided it could be our Valentine’s Day date. Done. Smile No pressure to go out and spend money on a card and any other tat.

I think of Valentine’s Day as a day for quite young couples who haven’t been together for long.

However, if it is important for you to exchange cards etc on Valentine’s Day, and your partner knows that, then it’s thoughtless and I can see why it bothers you.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 14/02/2022 09:00

it is so commercial
i wouldnt say no to a bunch of flowers though

Lindy2 · 14/02/2022 09:04

We always do cards, chocolates, nice take away etc at Valentine's. Nothing fancy but we rather a nice reason for a few treats.

I'd be extremely disappointed if DH just announced he wasn't bothering one year. It wouldn't be our normal.

What do you usually do? Why does he think you're not bothering this year if you have in the past?

DH always checks about a week beforehand that we're doing our usual and I always say yes.

Some couples like it sone don't bother but one shouldn't just change their usual traditions without discussing things first.