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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hobby rendering him useless on a Sunday whilst I juggle 3 kids

286 replies

Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:06

It's quite possible I'm being unreasonable but perhaps not, I'd like to know what you think.

DH has recently taken up his much loved hobby again (Sunday rugby) after not playing for the past 6 months or so. He works on a night shift which includes Saturday night so he goes straight to rugby from work having had no sleep. That's the sacrifice he's prepared to make in order to play because he loves it so much.

He catches up on all his sleep when he gets in from rugby, he doesn't work Sunday night's so he doesn't need to get up too early.

Unfortunately this means that for the whole of Sunday I'm doing everything for our three children. Cooking all of the food. Bathing three of them. Tantrums. Bed times. It's alot to juggle single handedly when one is so small, especially when there is somebody else who should be available to chip in.

He's just got up but was falling asleep sat down whilst changing the baby on the floor so I've told him to just go back to sleep if he's that tired he can't change a nappy without falling asleep.

Unfortunately this weekend coincides with me having the period from hell (endo) and a flare up of my chronic gastritis so I'm very short of patience and not feeling my best. I was looking forward to a bath and half an hours peace.

It has given me the hump, I'll be honest.

So should I be sucking it up because it's only one day a week or should he be thinking about how it's clearly not compatible with family life as it means he's going there on no sleep then having to sleep through what time he does have with his family.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Jupitersmoonandstars · 13/02/2022 20:09

If he didnt play rugby straight from work, wouldnt he still go to sleep because he's been working all night? Hmm

dootball · 13/02/2022 20:10

Surely it's more the night shift than the rugby?

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:11

@Jupitersmoonandstars

If he didnt play rugby straight from work, wouldnt he still go to sleep because he's been working all night? Hmm
Yes of course, but then he'd be able to get up at a reasonable hour as opposed to sleeping until 8pm at night and still being exhausted.

He gets in at almost 2pm after rugby.

If not at rugby he gets in at 9am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:12

Night shift is problematic yes but he's unable to change, his job role is solely nights. Days aren't an option.

OP posts:
Ilkleymoor · 13/02/2022 20:13

Could he do the rugby every other week so you both get the same amount of time

BuritoCat · 13/02/2022 20:13

2pm is still most of the day gone so..... YABU unfortunately. Long as he takes over once a week and you obviously get time to yourself.

gonetogroundnow · 13/02/2022 20:13

It's shit but it's a hobby he loves and we do all need some time for ourselves between work and families, I don't think I could take that from him.

How is the rest of your dynamic - does he share parenting for the other six days of the week?

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:14

He's otherwise very good yes and does his share when he's home. Its just this that's the problem. As I said I can accept if I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
fitzbilly · 13/02/2022 20:15

Presumably he does all of Saturday leaving you to have a day to yourself? If not then suggest that. Then it's fair.

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:16

@fitzbilly

Presumably he does all of Saturday leaving you to have a day to yourself? If not then suggest that. Then it's fair.
He's sleeping most of Saturday in preparation for work
OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 13/02/2022 20:17

He’s prioritising his hobby over his children. Every other week is more than enough.

SuPerDoPer · 13/02/2022 20:17

I thought this was going to be about one if those awful husbands who get a full night's sleep and then go and play golf (cycling, mountain climbing, marathon running) all day while the little wife stays at home tearing her hair out. But I think this is a bit different... Presumably the rugby only actually lasts a couple of hours max and if its coming straight off the back of a night shift he would be asleep for most of Sunday anyway, the rugby doesn't really make a huge difference. If its the extra couple of hours on Sunday afternoon when he would normally be up but currently isn't that's annoying then find an equivalent time when you can get that space. Saturday maybe? I'd be more annoyed if the game of rugby was extended by post match pints for a few hours or he did it 3 nights a week but essentially he's working nights and then doing a perfectly reasonable physical and social activity for a couple of hours. It can probably be made to work somehow. But I get that you're feeling fragile today so it probably feels worse right now Flowers

Electriq · 13/02/2022 20:17

At least he is doing it on the same day as work, as a fellow night shifter, I say yabu, night shifts make you miss so much and spend the rest of the time exhausted, even with sleep, not to say you can't be frustrated with it though.

ivykaty44 · 13/02/2022 20:18

what do you think is the solution to this situation?

if your dh has to work Saturday night, surely he would be in bed on Sunday.. Does he get other days off work during the week?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/02/2022 20:19

How old are your kids? If they're really little like 2 of them are under 3 then I think he needs to knock it on the head for another year just until things are a bit easier.

Ita hard with a team sport as not exactly easy to dip in and out of eg play every other week.

Is there anything he could do to give you more of a break when he is around?

Bringonsummer19 · 13/02/2022 20:19

Ahhh it’s hard OP. I think as long as you also get some time to yourself for a hobby then I would let him do it. I think each person should do one thing just for themselves and not just be working or with kids. Do you get to do anything?

Daisy4569 · 13/02/2022 20:19

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I’d also let my other half do it. I would make sure I got time in the week to relax myself though!

alfayruz · 13/02/2022 20:20

If he doesn’t work Sunday night, could he not have them for a while on Monday morning and you could do something you enjoy then?

JennyForeigner · 13/02/2022 20:20

YANBU. We have three, including two babies. Weekends are exhausting! A husband recovered from a nightshift by Sunday lunchtime is a completely different proposition from MIA all weekend. I would say one weekend like that a month is reasonable and only if you get the same leeway!

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 13/02/2022 20:22

The problem isn’t that he does Rugby, it’s that he’s assuming you’ll do solo child care that isn’t part of covering for work.

Did he discuss the impact it would have on you? What time do you get/want for yourself?

RoyKentsChestHair · 13/02/2022 20:22

As a once a week thing I’d have to say it’s reasonable but only if he’s pulling his weight the rest of the week. Night shifts are awful. Your body just isn’t made to be awake at night so even when you get regular sleep, you’ll still be tired. I think you need a chat with him about the balance of family time etc but I’m not sure he should be giving up his hobby which is only a few hours a week. I know it’s frustrating - my XDP used to do cycling and would turn up to visit me after several hours out on his bike (7 hours one weekend!) knackered and sweaty, good for nothing, and it was so annoying that my time with him was wasted by him sleeping through it. But I only saw him 3 times a week. If I had lived with him I think I’d have had to suck it up as I’d have got to spend the other 6 days with him. If the night shifts are causing you issues then maybe he needs to start looking for an alternative job that is more suited to family life.

ReadySteadyTwins · 13/02/2022 20:22

But the time he's at rugby he's giving up his sleep for, so either way, he wouldn't be doing childcare? Unless he just doesn't sleep??

FourTeaFallOut · 13/02/2022 20:23

Do you get the same amount of time to yourself, op? Or has he sucked up all the oxygen in the house for his ownl hobbies?

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:26

When he's not playing rugby he gets home from work at around 8.45 - 9.00am and will sleep until around 3.00 - 3.30 at which point he'll get up and occupy the kids whilst I cook, or cook himself etc.

When he plays rugby he gets in from work at 8.45, quick 5 minute shower then back out of the door. The match kicks off at 10.30 but he either gets the bus or cycles because he doesn't like to drive on no sleep. They play at different venues all of the time neither of which are particularly close by. He finishes at 12.30ish then has to travel back so he never gets in before 2.00pm.

He then goes to bed and needs to sleep until atleast 8pm, understandably, because he's exhausted.

That's all well and good but on days like today where I could really use his help it's a bit shit.

Our youngest is 4 months old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:27

I don't get much time to myself no but I am booked in at the hairdressers tomorrow for the first time in about a year, encouraged by him mind, so I'm excited about that and it'll be a nice break.

OP posts:
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