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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hobby rendering him useless on a Sunday whilst I juggle 3 kids

286 replies

Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:06

It's quite possible I'm being unreasonable but perhaps not, I'd like to know what you think.

DH has recently taken up his much loved hobby again (Sunday rugby) after not playing for the past 6 months or so. He works on a night shift which includes Saturday night so he goes straight to rugby from work having had no sleep. That's the sacrifice he's prepared to make in order to play because he loves it so much.

He catches up on all his sleep when he gets in from rugby, he doesn't work Sunday night's so he doesn't need to get up too early.

Unfortunately this means that for the whole of Sunday I'm doing everything for our three children. Cooking all of the food. Bathing three of them. Tantrums. Bed times. It's alot to juggle single handedly when one is so small, especially when there is somebody else who should be available to chip in.

He's just got up but was falling asleep sat down whilst changing the baby on the floor so I've told him to just go back to sleep if he's that tired he can't change a nappy without falling asleep.

Unfortunately this weekend coincides with me having the period from hell (endo) and a flare up of my chronic gastritis so I'm very short of patience and not feeling my best. I was looking forward to a bath and half an hours peace.

It has given me the hump, I'll be honest.

So should I be sucking it up because it's only one day a week or should he be thinking about how it's clearly not compatible with family life as it means he's going there on no sleep then having to sleep through what time he does have with his family.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:54

@FourTeaFallOut

Do you normally work too? Or are you sahm?

Love to know what you think the qualitative difference there is to being a sahm or being on maternity leave to your right to an ounce of free time when you are looking after a 4 month old.

I'm on maternity leave at the moment
OP posts:
Boombastic22 · 13/02/2022 20:56

Before you’d had a third child (assuming planned) did you discuss expectations? What will happen when you return to work?

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:59

@Boombastic22

Before you’d had a third child (assuming planned) did you discuss expectations? What will happen when you return to work?
Yes we did.

He told me he was looking to retire from rugby, he's almost 40 and he isn't as fast as he once was.

I didn't expect it to be an issue this far down the road, alas he still wants to play.

I have suggested he finds a team that plays of a weekday afternoon if thats even a thing, but he doesn't want to leave the team hes with.

OP posts:
OnTheBenchOfDoom · 13/02/2022 21:02

Does he ever juggle the 3 children single handed? Because if he is expecting you to do it then surely he should also be willing to give you the same child free break. If you are breastfeeding then you are only needed to feed the baby, he can do everything else.

And endo is completely shit so you completely have my sympathy for that. I also have it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/02/2022 21:03

With a 4 month old and 2 illnesses to manage it’s not possible for him to play.

When the baby is a year to 18 months then it would be good if he could go back.

But did you actually tell him you were ill OP? Do you stand up for yourself.

TheKeatingFive · 13/02/2022 21:03

5 hours seems like a lot to spend playing rugby. Does it need to be that long?

Hobbies are fine, but it needs to be even. Where's your five hours of leisure time? That's the condition I'd set.

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 21:05

@OnTheBenchOfDoom

Does he ever juggle the 3 children single handed? Because if he is expecting you to do it then surely he should also be willing to give you the same child free break. If you are breastfeeding then you are only needed to feed the baby, he can do everything else.

And endo is completely shit so you completely have my sympathy for that. I also have it.

On the rare occasion I need to run to Tesco in the morning when he gets in from work he'll have the kids for half an hour max.

So no, not really, not much.

Due to him working nights If I have a doctors appointment or something i can't take the kids to then it's my DM who has them for me. At our house. Whilst he's asleep.

OP posts:
rhowton · 13/02/2022 21:05

My DH and I decided on no weekend sports until the children were at high school. It's far too impactive on weekends. Can he play in the week at all?

SD1978 · 13/02/2022 21:07

You're not being unreasonable at all- but you also said that he has always done this, with a 6 month break? How did you manage before with him off at rugby? Or didn't you? How long is the season? It does sound crap, how many nights does he work?

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 21:08

@Luredbyapomegranate

With a 4 month old and 2 illnesses to manage it’s not possible for him to play.

When the baby is a year to 18 months then it would be good if he could go back.

But did you actually tell him you were ill OP? Do you stand up for yourself.

Oh god yes he definitely knows.

My mum had popped round for a cup of tea this morning on her way to the shops so she was here when he dashed in for his quick shower before being back out the door.

In his mind he'll have resonated with himself that its totally fine because she'll be able to give me a hand if needs be.

He wouldn't see it as..

"DW is ill, I probably shouldn't play today"

He will have seen it as

"Oh that's alright, MIL is there she can lend a hand if needs be"

And off he goes to rugby.

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 13/02/2022 21:08

YANBU.
Life with 3 little ones is very tough. He needs to give it up for a while. It's just not doable at this point in time.

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 21:10

@TheKeatingFive

5 hours seems like a lot to spend playing rugby. Does it need to be that long?

Hobbies are fine, but it needs to be even. Where's your five hours of leisure time? That's the condition I'd set.

That includes travel time, waiting for busses etc because he doesn't drive after a night shift with no sleep. He doesn't feel safe to perfectly safe to play a full contact sport though

My hours of leisure time are non existent to be honest. I have a few hours at the hair dressers tomorrow and it feels like I've won the lottery.

Him working nights takes over our lives to the extent there isn't really any convenient time for me to snatch 5 hours to myself, not if I want to spend any time with him at all.

OP posts:
gonetogroundnow · 13/02/2022 21:11

Rugby has a season though, it's not all year. Three children is hard and I know I inevitably it is harder on the mother but he is doing night shifts and really I don't think I could bring myself to begrudge him a morning doing what he enjoys.

KatherineofGaunt · 13/02/2022 21:14

Sadly, I think some hobbies just aren't possible while you have a baby/ young kids. My DH would love to get back to playing in an orchestra but he's too tired of an evening due to constant night wakings. I'd love to do some of my craft hobbies like soap-making but I can't at the moment because I work in the week and at weekends I'm spending time with the family and can't do both at once.

It's definitely difficult when his whole weekend is spent separate from his family, through sleeping, working or playing rugby. I think alternate weekends is a good compromise, and that he gives you the 5 hours on a Sunday to do what you want and he has all the kids and deals with them.

TonksInPurple · 13/02/2022 21:14

Adult rugby on a Sunday morning where are you?

HandWash · 13/02/2022 21:16

I think if you have a 3 young children (one being 4mo!) you need to accept that you won't have much time for hobbies!

I do think op and her DH have given themselves a lot of work and it does sound stressful all round, but she shouldn't have to do it alone.

I think you both must be utterly exhausted and DH needs to focus what energy he has on his family.

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 21:18

@SD1978

You're not being unreasonable at all- but you also said that he has always done this, with a 6 month break? How did you manage before with him off at rugby? Or didn't you? How long is the season? It does sound crap, how many nights does he work?
He has always done it yes and I'll be honest it has been a pain in my arse once we had children because I ended up essentially a single parent every weekend.

However he would say he'd be retiring soon so I just accepted it as I know it's important to have a hobby.

Only he kept kicking the can down the road.

We decided to try for DC3 at which point he said yep I'll be retiring this year, then he didn't.

Pregnancy progressed and I ended up immobile at which point I said look this is a flipping joke now you said you were retiring, you won't find another team so you can play in the week instead, I'm sick of it.

So he begrudgingly stopped.

I did encourage him to look for a different team so he didn't have to give up completely and stressed that it was only an issue because it ate into what little weekend he has with the kids.

He insisted he didn't want to, and now here we are.

OP posts:
Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 21:19

Sorry he works 5 nights

OP posts:
MrsGarethSouthgate · 13/02/2022 21:20

What happens on his 2 days off that he gets in the week? Why can’t you go out for the day/evening then and him look after the children?

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 21:23

@gonetogroundnow

Rugby has a season though, it's not all year. Three children is hard and I know I inevitably it is harder on the mother but he is doing night shifts and really I don't think I could bring myself to begrudge him a morning doing what he enjoys.
I totally see your point and that's why I'm conflicted as to whether I have unreasonable expectations
OP posts:
Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 21:27

@MrsGarethSouthgate

What happens on his 2 days off that he gets in the week? Why can’t you go out for the day/evening then and him look after the children?
We usually just stay home when he's off, but if I went off for 5 hours at a time we wouldn't be spending any time as a family at all.

I also can't go to bed late / have nights out because I have to be up at the crack of dawn with the children.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 13/02/2022 21:27

Should he be playing rugby without any sleep? It's a dangerous game and he or someone else could get hurt if he is not concentrating.

Lougle · 13/02/2022 21:28

Could you drive him to the venue, so that he's home earlier and up earlier?

LemonPledge555 · 13/02/2022 21:28

Yeah he’s taking the mickey. His hobby and his job don’t match at all. I work a short night shift on a sat night (occasionally a full shift as a bit of overtime) and I know I’m useless before about 1pm, or later if Ive done overtime. I’m super conscious that DH has to get up with DD every Sunday morning and into the afternoon. I would t dream of doing something like that and we only have one child. Crikey. He needs to swap his night or swap the day he plays. Both doesn’t work.

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 21:28

@fruitbrewhaha

Should he be playing rugby without any sleep? It's a dangerous game and he or someone else could get hurt if he is not concentrating.
He probably shouldn't no, he's had countless injuries but he won't be told.
OP posts: