DH hobby rendering him useless on a Sunday whilst I juggle 3 kids

[Adharvan]

It's quite possible I'm being unreasonable but perhaps not, I'd like to know what you think.

DH has recently taken up his much loved hobby again (Sunday rugby) after not playing for the past 6 months or so. He works on a night shift which includes Saturday night so he goes straight to rugby from work having had no sleep. That's the sacrifice he's prepared to make in order to play because he loves it so much.

He catches up on all his sleep when he gets in from rugby, he doesn't work Sunday night's so he doesn't need to get up too early.

Unfortunately this means that for the whole of Sunday I'm doing everything for our three children. Cooking all of the food. Bathing three of them. Tantrums. Bed times. It's alot to juggle single handedly when one is so small, especially when there is somebody else who should be available to chip in.

He's just got up but was falling asleep sat down whilst changing the baby on the floor so I've told him to just go back to sleep if he's that tired he can't change a nappy without falling asleep.

Unfortunately this weekend coincides with me having the period from hell (endo) and a flare up of my chronic gastritis so I'm very short of patience and not feeling my best. I was looking forward to a bath and half an hours peace.

It has given me the hump, I'll be honest.

So should I be sucking it up because it's only one day a week or should he be thinking about how it's clearly not compatible with family life as it means he's going there on no sleep then having to sleep through what time he does have with his family.

AIBU?

Wow give that man a medal for attempting (failing but attempting) to change a nappy, totally makes up for everything.

I think he's just not being very flexible for your family and you're having to do all the working around his choices. Which isn't fair at all. Sod whether it's a hobby or work choices, he is choosing to make your life more difficult. I think you need to spell out to him the impact it is having on you and do what someone else suggested by carving out your free time with a class or something each week to make the point. It might not work but at least you've given it a good go and you know what your options are then.

...if it was reversed and your DH was on here saying you do absolutely nothing, then that would be unfair.

Oh what tosh.

This man as far as we know started but did not finish changing one single nappy, and that was all he did for the family all weekend.

Poor diddums, all he wanted to do was sleep.

@Adharvan why is it that we as mothers have to survive on no sleep / interrupted sleep and get on with it but yet men don't?

I have 2 and 1 on the way
DD has ASD and doesn't go to sleep until 10pm, wakes around 4 (I'm awake for this and goes back off at 6)
DS then gets up at 6
And I'm pregnant so the sleep I do get is awful, I still have to get up at 6 and crack on, exhausted or not.

If my DH told me he was out of action all weekend for work and a hobby id tell him to pack his bags because it would be pointless him living here

He needs to compromise and go every other weekend and find a faster way of getting there and back! Absolutely ridiculous being gone that long for one game!

@Adharvan

Baby is teething at the minute so he's utterly miserable and doesn't want to be put down so the place is a dump and I haven't had time to tidy up today in between rocking him and keeping the other 2 alive.

I haven't had the chance to have a shower in 2 days which I know is pretty disgusting When it's that time of the month, so there's that fact adding to why I'm feeling frazzled and resentful because he's had the opportunity to eat/sleep/have fun in peace meanwhile I'm juggling everything on my own to the point I can't even shower.

I'll have to have one when he gets up again later, whatever time that'll be, and then I'll have to be up at 6am regardless of what time I manage to get in the shower and get to bed.

Sorry I'm ranting now.

I know he's entitled to a hobby.

Not at your expense he's not.

@ivegotasorethroat

Well you're obviously not doing everything for the children as you said he was changing a nappy!

One fucking thing!!

That he didn't even finish!

What the hell is wrong with you?

@Adharvan Op what is the hobby you get to do alone for 5 hours every week??

OP having a husband who used to do nights it’s really hard. Your not a lone parent because you do have a partner but it’s the same as I said before as having one that is away long term like army or similar.

It sounds like your DH is trying if he does the night feeds the nights he is at home. Did you manage some sleep? Does he do the Monday school/ nursery run so you can lie in? His not being up for you to get your hair done - assuming he said he would be is kind of crummy and I hope he is apologetic and dosent do it again. I really hope you can find some time for yourself as it seems you are very isolated. I know you feel you want family time but finding things that you enjoy for you is so important - you are more than a mum and wife.

You didn’t say if he switches back to being awake in the days in his time off or stays on “night time”? For the posters asking why he might be up on the nights he doesn't work many permanent night workers don’t switch to being awake in the day if it’s only a day or two. You get jet lag essentially whenever you switch and you loose awake time making the switch.

You say his job only exists at nights - was it one he had when you decided to start a family? It dosent seem to be working for you at the moment. Would he consider looking into different careers?

I don’t think it’s realistic to say he needs to stop working nights/weekends if there are no other jobs he could take though. Being broke isn’t going to help the situation . There seems to be a real dislike of people with families that work at night or weekends. I really don’t get the MN obsession with “family weekends” there just days same as all the others. It’s a really middle class thing to assume that you have weekends as a family - you do realise when you go for a family shop or a family trip on a weekend that those serving you also have families. There not bad parents or partners. If your day off is Monday then you do family time then. There are lots of jobs that need doing at night for society to function- emergency services, power station workers, railway workers, airports, security etc and someone has to do this work. Yes ideally all people would work days and not work weekends but clearly society would not function in this case.

Working nights and having a once a week hobby per parent can be made to work - it does take a rigid adherence to schedules and both adults being very determined to make it work tho.

I cannot believe the shitty replies from people on here. There is no wonder there is so much disparity on women taking on more than the lions' share of responsibilities when people think its perfectly acceptable for the man to be getting his full 8 hours sleep every single day plus 5 hours off for his hobby whilst his wife can't even get enough time for a damn shower. We don't need the patriarchy keeping us down when our fellow women do it for us.

@ivegotasorethroat

I'm just making the point, because if it was reversed and your DH was on here saying you do absolutely nothing, then that would be unfair.

If the ops only defence was well between sleeping and doing my hobby I DID change half a nappy before my partner came along and finished it up for me as I wasn’t managing, mn would rightly tear her to pieces.

He’s not even the breadwinner, she’s on mat leave. I can’t picture how he moves from does fuck all to does half the household and parenting load because there are two working parents when she goes back to work! Why is he entitled to a hobby op? When you’re not entitled to having someone actually care for the dc and house while you have one bloody haircut, much less entitled to hours of recreational time to yourself a week? I’d call him out on it- you said you’d retire. I’m barely coping here and you are not contributing enough, but still have time for your hobby. (Yes, I have worked night shifts for the record)

It's fair enough if he has a hobby but the combination of nights and the hobby and not being able to drive there mean you're alone pretty much all weekend. That's not fair. Immediately he needs to start alternating weekends and looking for a day job. If he won't consider even trying to get a day job then he needs to quit the hobby.