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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH hobby rendering him useless on a Sunday whilst I juggle 3 kids

286 replies

Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:06

It's quite possible I'm being unreasonable but perhaps not, I'd like to know what you think.

DH has recently taken up his much loved hobby again (Sunday rugby) after not playing for the past 6 months or so. He works on a night shift which includes Saturday night so he goes straight to rugby from work having had no sleep. That's the sacrifice he's prepared to make in order to play because he loves it so much.

He catches up on all his sleep when he gets in from rugby, he doesn't work Sunday night's so he doesn't need to get up too early.

Unfortunately this means that for the whole of Sunday I'm doing everything for our three children. Cooking all of the food. Bathing three of them. Tantrums. Bed times. It's alot to juggle single handedly when one is so small, especially when there is somebody else who should be available to chip in.

He's just got up but was falling asleep sat down whilst changing the baby on the floor so I've told him to just go back to sleep if he's that tired he can't change a nappy without falling asleep.

Unfortunately this weekend coincides with me having the period from hell (endo) and a flare up of my chronic gastritis so I'm very short of patience and not feeling my best. I was looking forward to a bath and half an hours peace.

It has given me the hump, I'll be honest.

So should I be sucking it up because it's only one day a week or should he be thinking about how it's clearly not compatible with family life as it means he's going there on no sleep then having to sleep through what time he does have with his family.

AIBU?

OP posts:

CatSpeakForDummies · 14/02/2022 11:19

I don't think the rugby is the problem, but that he needs to make some changes in general so that his lifestyle choices are not negatively impacting your whole family so much.

He is working insane hours, is he actually working all these hours or is some of it on call?

If he plays rugby, he needs to only sleep until about 5pm, so he manages to sleep semi-normally on Sunday and Monday night. He'll feel like hell on Sunday evening, but it means you essentially get your weekend/days together on Monday and Tuesday - then you won't mind the Sunday rugby so much.

If he is too stubborn to consider changing jobs, is there any chance of changing days, so that the Rugby doesn't come right at the end of his run of night shifts?

The bigger problem is you feeling like you have no time to yourself. Having a four month old, it might feel like self care is just another thing to do, but it's important. Take care, book the hairdresser, get him to step up rather than making it about the rugby.

MaryAndHerNet · 14/02/2022 11:38

@Adharvan

Yes, he says when all is said and done it's just how it has to be for now as changing jobs isn't that easy and he can't just wave a magic wand.

Then he can live elsewhere. Contribute CSA and you can organise your single.life to care for the children properly.

You'd be better off alone and organised, than trying to cover both halves of a partnership and carrying the extra dead weight. He can organise himself and have the kids a couple times a week, giving you time for yourself.

Win win.

beachcitygirl · 14/02/2022 11:50

He's taking the piss

Either you take 5 hours to yourself every Saturday. Or he gives this up.

BowerOfBramble · 14/02/2022 12:34

There is an inherent problem with everyone saying the OP needs extra time to herself - that's mainly not what she wants and needs at the moment. What they're clearly short of is family time where they all hang out and perhaps her husband takes the lead on the care stuff and she gets to just watch them play, get on with something else (washing herself!!! or just reading an article or whatever).

Saying "take equal time to yourself" is a bit like saying to someone whose husband has spent £500 they can ill afford, "spend another £500 on yourself!" It'll make the problem worse if anything.

DoubleGauze · 14/02/2022 12:42

@BowerOfBramble definitely. Lack of time due to his working hours and disorganised sleep pattern are the issue. Add in the essential man hobby and there's not even 20 minutes for the op to have a bath.

I still don't understand why he stayed up all night to do a couple of night feeds. That's madness. Does he think that the op only sleeps when she isn't responsible for night feeds? Ridiculous.

YungBludForPM · 14/02/2022 12:44

I'd be ok with it as long as I got a day for myself at some point too.
Although it may get pretty tedious in the long term.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 14/02/2022 12:48

@BowerOfBramble

Saying "take equal time to yourself" is a bit like saying to someone whose husband has spent £500 they can ill afford, "spend another £500 on yourself!" It'll make the problem worse if anything.

Yes! It the dearth of family time and the shared responsibility of working together as a couple that is coming through strongly.

BowerOfBramble · 14/02/2022 12:51

[quote DoubleGauze]@BowerOfBramble definitely. Lack of time due to his working hours and disorganised sleep pattern are the issue. Add in the essential man hobby and there's not even 20 minutes for the op to have a bath.

I still don't understand why he stayed up all night to do a couple of night feeds. That's madness. Does he think that the op only sleeps when she isn't responsible for night feeds? Ridiculous.[/quote]
essential man hobby should be a thing. EMH. Definitely is on Mumsnet anyway.

This guy must be an outlier even among his own friends though, every dad I know has gone through a phase of realising they can't keep up their football/motorbiking/poultry art hobby to the same degree while their kids are tiny. I guess OP's husband is having a bit of a mid life crisis because he fears if he gives up for a year or two then he will be too old (although - really? this is amateur rugby) or too broken to do it. He's afraid of ageing and clearly puts that before his wife's basic needs.

TheApexOfMyLife · 14/02/2022 13:27

@BowerOfBramble

Saying "take equal time to yourself" is a bit like saying to someone whose husband has spent £500 they can ill afford, "spend another £500 on yourself!" It'll make the problem worse if anything.

Well I thought that too when my dcs were little and DH was travelling a lot. DH also wanted to have time for his hobby that was taking him away for the day so a very similar situation than the OP. I felt I couldnt stop him having some time out. And I really valued our time together as a family etc...

So yay, I totally get where the OP is coming from. I thought the same.

Except what I have learnt the hard way is:

if you don't put yourself first, no one else will, not even DH. Because the reality is that, by saying you don't want/need that time for yourself, you are giving yourself a low priority so why would anyone else give it a high priority?

After spending a lot of time on the low priority level, you end up burnt out/tired. It will afffect you, your health and your mental and emotional wellbeing. Not good for you but not good for the dcs or the dh/marriage either.

DH COULD have chosen to not spend time or as much time on his hobby. Basically making as much effort as I was to spend time as a family. The fact that he didnt sais a lot about his priority and how much he valued family vs himself/his own time.

And maybe, actually he was right (see above re needing to put yourself first). Or maybe he was just acting as a self entited twat (I think it depends a lot on the circumstances)

I now think that as women, we are conditioned to always put our family and other people first. We are taught that we come last and we need to be the martyr, the one who gives everything for the 'common good'. This is detrimental to us, as women and detrimental to our children (both because we end up not being the best version of ourselves but also because of the example we are giving them).
I think we need to learn to be much mor 'selfish' and care for ourselves as much as we care for others.

In the OP's situation, that would give her time to have a break. This is essential when you are dealing with a newborn AND an autistic child. Just one of those is already hard work!
It would force the DH to actually get a feel about how hard it is to actually look after his 3 dcs.
Seeing what the OP says about the dh, i'm not holding my breath but my experience is that it can be eye opening to some fathers, suddenly realising it's not that easy after all. I know DH did get it much more when he had to look after the dcs on his own for a day/weekend.

Btw, if the OP just stays at home, there is no way the DH will take the lead. Not the least because the dcs arent used to that so they will go and see mummy. But also because it's so mcuh easier for the DH to just let it happen. To change things, the OP would need to be extremely strict on boundaries, send the dcs back to her dh, remind him HE is suposed to be in charge. I can guaranteed lots of arguing, esp with a man who was unhappy to stop his rugby when his dw was struggling to move aorund.... (aka beig able to put himself in other people's shoes is not his forte)

TheApexOfMyLife · 14/02/2022 13:28

@BowerOfBramble, I'd say lucky you.
Because my DH didn't do that at all. And tbh reading MN, it seems that a lot of fathers don't do that easily either...

TheApexOfMyLife · 14/02/2022 13:31

I think it's also quite telling bthat he has strung her along with the 'I am getting older and I will stop next year' for a long time now.

It was part of their agreemnet when they conceived the 3rd child. And he couldn't even be bothered to see his dw strugglimg on crutches duringthe pg and think 'Oh Adharvan is clearly having a hard time just now. So I'll stop rugby and give her a hand instead'

TheKeatingFive · 14/02/2022 13:32

Saying "take equal time to yourself" is a bit like saying to someone whose husband has spent £500 they can ill afford, "spend another £500 on yourself!" It'll make the problem worse if anything.

Whatever free time can be afforded should be split equally. I have no idea why such a basic concept is so difficult to grasp. I can only attribute it to really powerful social conditioning.

Hankunamatata · 14/02/2022 13:35

Night shift is hard in family life. He only has 1 day free and he is doing rugby. Was there a discussion about this before he started rugby again.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 14/02/2022 13:59

@Hankunamatata

Night shift is hard in family life. He only has 1 day free and he is doing rugby. Was there a discussion about this before he started rugby again.

He doesn't have only one day free. He's free from 9am Sunday until early evening Tuesday. Some sleep needed and he's taking 5 hours for rugby. Nothing wrong with family time / OP rest time on Monday or Tuesday, we don't really know why that isn't happening.

Whybirdwhy · 14/02/2022 14:00

So having suffered PGP that would have presumably prevented you from taking up a hobby during that time, you are now (possibly) still recovering from childbirth breastfeeding, doing all night feeds alone and wrangling 3 kids as a single parent every wknd? Meanwhile he just gets up and goes to work and plays rugby just like he always has? Never takes all 3 kids for a day alone so has no idea how wearing it is?

I wonder how many of these posters have 3 kids of those ages? It's really bloody tough doing full days including breakfast AND bedtimes with no respite especially when you've been up with the baby in the night. Sometimes BOTH parents have to sacrifice things for the first few years of having kids. Or should just women make those sacrifices?

It's not forever, I think he needs to knock this on the head for a bit. Or consider another job?

TheApexOfMyLife · 14/02/2022 14:02

@Hankunamatata

Night shift is hard in family life. He only has 1 day free and he is doing rugby. Was there a discussion about this before he started rugby again.

RTFT

There was a discussion BEFORE they tried for another child.
There was a discussion and he was supposed to stop. Said that many many times (and never did).
He strung the OP along.

Btw, the OP has NO time for herself. Is that OK?
Is it also OK for him to decide he is going to wo taking into acciount bthe effect on his family and partner? Just because 'he desreves a day off'? Is the mother not also deservig a day off too?

Double standards on here are driving me mad tbh

Zilla1 · 14/02/2022 14:06

So sleeps or works all Saturday and out or asleep all Sunday so no real contribution to or participation in family life with three small children for all the weekend in general and in particular when the OP has endo and gastritis?

EvelynBeatrice · 14/02/2022 14:12

I sympathise with you. On the practicalities, could you afford a small sum to pay an older schoolgirl or student as a ' mother's help' one morning or afternoon or even for an odd hour here and there? Never to be in sole charge of the kids but maybe to play with the older ones while you do baby etc? Many people wishing to become nursery workers or teachers etc welcome the chance to do this to build their CV. A young child loving acquaintance did this for a family with two children with special needs for a year and it was looked on favourably In her interviews for university to study nursing. A retired ' substitute grandma' May also be an option.

BowerOfBramble · 14/02/2022 14:36

I totally agree @TheKeatingFive but trying to force a knackered mother of 3 including a newborn out of the house for 5 hours isn't the way I think this family need to deal with that issue. If there's 5 hours "slack" then 2.5 hours each alone would make a lot more sense for example, and then they can still "afford" time with the two of them both in and conscious. That's what the OP is short of at the moment hence no showers etc.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/02/2022 14:36

@Viviennemary

Im am glad I'm not a man. No wonder so many men walk out. Works nights all week and not even allowed a once a week hobby according to most of you.

Its not about being a man...although many men do this...

Its the assumption that he gets much more free time thab the OP... He's opting out of doing his fair share.

ivegotasorethroat · 14/02/2022 14:47

Well you're obviously not doing everything for the children as you said he was changing a nappy!

DoubleGauze · 14/02/2022 14:53

@ivegotasorethroat slow clap for op's husband everyone!

Original poster

Adharvan · 14/02/2022 15:04

@ivegotasorethroat

Well you're obviously not doing everything for the children as you said he was changing a nappy!

Do you know what I was doing whilst he was changing that nappy?

Cooking him some bloody food!

OP posts:

MaryAndHerNet · 14/02/2022 15:05

@ivegotasorethroat

Well you're obviously not doing everything for the children as you said he was changing a nappy!

What a shitty reply.

Op, you're a fucking superhero and you're doing far more and putting up with far more than I'd put up with.

ivegotasorethroat · 14/02/2022 15:22

I'm just making the point, because if it was reversed and your DH was on here saying you do absolutely nothing, then that would be unfair.

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