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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hobby rendering him useless on a Sunday whilst I juggle 3 kids

286 replies

Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:06

It's quite possible I'm being unreasonable but perhaps not, I'd like to know what you think.

DH has recently taken up his much loved hobby again (Sunday rugby) after not playing for the past 6 months or so. He works on a night shift which includes Saturday night so he goes straight to rugby from work having had no sleep. That's the sacrifice he's prepared to make in order to play because he loves it so much.

He catches up on all his sleep when he gets in from rugby, he doesn't work Sunday night's so he doesn't need to get up too early.

Unfortunately this means that for the whole of Sunday I'm doing everything for our three children. Cooking all of the food. Bathing three of them. Tantrums. Bed times. It's alot to juggle single handedly when one is so small, especially when there is somebody else who should be available to chip in.

He's just got up but was falling asleep sat down whilst changing the baby on the floor so I've told him to just go back to sleep if he's that tired he can't change a nappy without falling asleep.

Unfortunately this weekend coincides with me having the period from hell (endo) and a flare up of my chronic gastritis so I'm very short of patience and not feeling my best. I was looking forward to a bath and half an hours peace.

It has given me the hump, I'll be honest.

So should I be sucking it up because it's only one day a week or should he be thinking about how it's clearly not compatible with family life as it means he's going there on no sleep then having to sleep through what time he does have with his family.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MintJulia · 13/02/2022 22:01

It sounds like you need some paid help, one day a week so you get a rest too.

He needs to understand that his freedom to play rugby comes at a price.

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 22:01

@HeckyPeck

If I were you I would work out work hours, leisure time, looking after the kids etc for each or you over a week. Then show it to him and ask him how you could work together to make it fairer.

If he thinks it's fair that he has so much more leisure time than you, he's a selfish wanker.

Hopefully if he sees it in black and white he'll realise how unfair he's being.

That's a good idea but I just know what he'll respond with. He'll point out that he hasn't played rugby for months.
OP posts:
Enterthedragons · 13/02/2022 22:02

4 little ones here and YANBU at all. I don’t really understand those who are happy for their partner to disappear for large chunks of the weekend while they are left with all the childcare. Weekends are family time. Unless you are getting the same break at some other time during the week it’s not fair.

Kudupoo · 13/02/2022 22:03

I clicked YABU but having read the full thread and the age of your youngest I totally take it back.

Schlerp · 13/02/2022 22:08

Do you get time to do a weekend hobby?

WetLookKnitwear · 13/02/2022 22:09

It sounds like between you there isn’t much free time to be had and he’s sort of monopolised the lot.

I can totally see why you’re torn though. If my DH did rugby I wouldn’t want him to miss it either. Sad

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 22:09

For those who asked he has Sunday night and Monday night off every week, fixed pattern.

OP posts:
boringcreation · 13/02/2022 22:09

I know, but it's our routine and DS in particular needs routine. Any avoidable deviation causes hell (autism)

Ah ok fair enough, apologies didn't realise.

How long is the rugby season? How long until your DH can help again?

Leilala · 13/02/2022 22:09

Why don’t you all go to rugby, could watch then socialize after? Would also mean DH is back sooner as won’t have to wait for a bus etc.

TheKeatingFive · 13/02/2022 22:12

Why don’t you all go to rugby, could watch then socialize after?

I'm not sure that's realistic for 5 hour stretches and with a very small baby

TheKeatingFive · 13/02/2022 22:13

He needs to understand that his freedom to play rugby comes at a price.

Yeah this is a good way of looking at it.

It shouldn't just be you sucking it up all the time.

Leilala · 13/02/2022 22:14

At least you get 2 nights rest, DC is 8 months BF never left her for more than 45 mins!. Must be grim working nights all the time if you can suck it up I think letting him do something for him is fine but flexible incase the kids are sick or playing up etc .

Longdistance · 13/02/2022 22:16

My dh is ex rugby. The players have an expiry date. There’s only so much the body can take before it’s enough to retire. How old is he?
My dh trained the colts a few nights a week and then go watch them. Hallelujah lockdown! At which point he had his hand forced to drop it all.

GalactatingGoddess · 13/02/2022 22:18

YANBU.
You have a 4 month old and are presumably tired yourself!

He should have held off his hobby until the youngest is more manageable and even then, personally for me, I'd be expecting equal time off or DH wouldn't be doing his hobby.

DH has a sport hobby and didn't return to it until DD was 8/9 months ish. He knows that if I don't get equal time and consideration then neither of us get any time for hobbies/social - because that is fair. He has to pull equal weight with everything and I am firm on that (have been called a nag/bitch/harsh etc by his misogynistic family many a time)

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 22:19

He's just turned 39, he isn't as fast or fit as he once was and he's injured himself a fair bit over the last couple of years. He doesn't like to admit to himself he's getting older and less able to play.

RE whether we could all go and watch him, we've never been invited and I don't think we'd be welcome Grin

It wouldn't be ideal with baby anyway.

OP posts:
MrsJBaptiste · 13/02/2022 22:20

OP How long is he up for after a night shift? My husband does 6-6 and barely makes it home before passing out out at 7am when he falls into bed. Is your DH up for nearly 36 hours when playing rugby after a night shift or have I got that wrong?

GalactatingGoddess · 13/02/2022 22:20

@Adharvan That's a good idea but I just know what he'll respond with. He'll point out that he hasn't played rugby for months.

^^ then you'll point out you've not done much for months either, what with being pregnant/giving birth/recovering and childcare!

starfro · 13/02/2022 22:25

Hire a nanny. Problem solved.

howtoleaveit · 13/02/2022 22:26

I’ll be honest, this wouldn’t bother me as long as I had the Saturday morning to myself to go do gym/park run/coffee with friends until 1/2pm. Are you getting 5/6 hours on a Saturday morning? If not, why not? Join a gym with a crèche like David Lloyd and when he’s out at rugby put kids in crèche and go for a swim/yoga/childfree coffee. My husband didn’t have a hobby and weekends were still down to me when they were small.

FourTeaFallOut · 13/02/2022 22:26

Oh yes, get a nanny, go on a spa day, ltb, for the MN hat trick.

airforsharon · 13/02/2022 22:27

I don't think YABU, at all. He chooses to do something for several hours which combined with his work pattern means he's effectively not around - in any useful or enjoyable sense - every weekend. If he worked days, playing rugby every Sunday wouldn't be a problem because he wouldn't need to come home & straight to bed.

When dcs are young sometimes we have to choose the hobbies that fit in best around family commitments, rather than trying to fit the family around the hobby. That's life. And i think it's grossly unfair to you that he's gone back to a hobby that, combined with his need to sleep during the day, means you're shouldering an awful lot on your own.

Boombastic22 · 13/02/2022 22:28

I’m struggling a bit here. Your husband works nights (presumably no option to switch jobs to a more regular pattern) and you’ve one child with autism and decided to have a third. I’d not really be begrudging him his rugby. To be honest with that work pattern Id fully be accepting I’m effectively a lone parent for much of the week.

Jvg33 · 13/02/2022 22:30

Make sure you get to go out and enjoy your weekends with the kids without him. It was a hard day today with young kids. The weather was poor. I couldn't even take them for a walk.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 13/02/2022 22:31

Night shifts are particularly hard on family life.

We went through this for years. Parking up in lay-bys to swap kids when I finished work and he was on his way to work. Straight to sleep Saturday and Sunday morning while I got up with the kids and did everything all weekend. Then when we did have him around he had constantly seen his arse.

Eventually he got sick of it and changed jobs. Not saying that's what your DH should be doing but it certainly worked for us.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 13/02/2022 22:32

@howtoleaveit

I’ll be honest, this wouldn’t bother me as long as I had the Saturday morning to myself to go do gym/park run/coffee with friends until 1/2pm. Are you getting 5/6 hours on a Saturday morning? If not, why not? Join a gym with a crèche like David Lloyd and when he’s out at rugby put kids in crèche and go for a swim/yoga/childfree coffee. My husband didn’t have a hobby and weekends were still down to me when they were small.
This is a serious question and I apologise if this is insensitive. Do crèches in gyms typically have appropriately trained staff who can accommodate children with SN such as OP 's child who has autism? Alongside the 4m old and the eldest child?