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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hobby rendering him useless on a Sunday whilst I juggle 3 kids

286 replies

Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:06

It's quite possible I'm being unreasonable but perhaps not, I'd like to know what you think.

DH has recently taken up his much loved hobby again (Sunday rugby) after not playing for the past 6 months or so. He works on a night shift which includes Saturday night so he goes straight to rugby from work having had no sleep. That's the sacrifice he's prepared to make in order to play because he loves it so much.

He catches up on all his sleep when he gets in from rugby, he doesn't work Sunday night's so he doesn't need to get up too early.

Unfortunately this means that for the whole of Sunday I'm doing everything for our three children. Cooking all of the food. Bathing three of them. Tantrums. Bed times. It's alot to juggle single handedly when one is so small, especially when there is somebody else who should be available to chip in.

He's just got up but was falling asleep sat down whilst changing the baby on the floor so I've told him to just go back to sleep if he's that tired he can't change a nappy without falling asleep.

Unfortunately this weekend coincides with me having the period from hell (endo) and a flare up of my chronic gastritis so I'm very short of patience and not feeling my best. I was looking forward to a bath and half an hours peace.

It has given me the hump, I'll be honest.

So should I be sucking it up because it's only one day a week or should he be thinking about how it's clearly not compatible with family life as it means he's going there on no sleep then having to sleep through what time he does have with his family.

AIBU?

OP posts:
gemloving · 13/02/2022 20:27

Yeah sounds shit as it seems you're doing all of Saturday for him to sleep and prep for his night shift, and then you do all of Sunday?

Every other week. He can sleep 6-7h after his shift, so latest gets up at 4pm on Sunday.

I'm always for it should be 50/50.

FrankGrillosFloof · 13/02/2022 20:28

For the love of god, THANK YOU for being transparent about what the hobby is.

stuntbubbles · 13/02/2022 20:29

@ReadySteadyTwins

But the time he's at rugby he's giving up his sleep for, so either way, he wouldn't be doing childcare? Unless he just doesn't sleep??
But he’d get up eventually – in at 9am, sleep for 8 hours, up at 5pm to help with the witching hour/tea/bath/prepping school bags Sunday evening horrors. Evenings are the worst because there’s so much to do and kids become devilish.

Vs rugby, in at 2pm, sleep til 10pm/past the bedtime witching hour horror show. It leaves OP to do everything without a break. Where’s her hobby time? Or simply time to step away from it all?

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:29

@ReadySteadyTwins

But the time he's at rugby he's giving up his sleep for, so either way, he wouldn't be doing childcare? Unless he just doesn't sleep??
If he didn't go to rugby after work he'd be getting up earlier than 8pm and wouldn't be so exhausted that he'd falling asleep whilst changing a nappy Grin

I've suggested he goes back to bed because what use is he if he can't actually stay awake.

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 13/02/2022 20:31

I’m torn on the hobby issue but it is really sad that you are excited to be going to the hairdressers for a break. That suggests you really don’t get any time to yourself and that’s not ok.

Viviennemary · 13/02/2022 20:33

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MaryShelley1818 · 13/02/2022 20:34

YANBU. Unfortunately I just don't think it's compatible with family life and he needs to knock it on the head for a few years until the children are older.
Me and DH wouldn't dream of regular hobbies with young children (2 under 4). Weekends are for family.

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 13/02/2022 20:35

I wouldn't be happy with that to be honest! Once a month maybe, not every single weekend. It doesn't sound like he does the same for you in the week.

FourTeaFallOut · 13/02/2022 20:35

Ah, lumbered is harsh. It's hard work with three to begin with for most families but everything gets a lot easier when the littlest sleeps gets older.

stuntbubbles · 13/02/2022 20:36

@Viviennemary

Why lumber yourself with three under these circumstances. I honestly dont get it. Its not the hobby for a few hours on a Sunday thats the problem but the fact you've chosen to have 3 dc's when one of you works night shift and long hours.
Why do people make these kind of comments? What’s OP supposed to, shove baby No.3 back inside? It’s done. She’s got 3 DC. So now the issue is exactly as she had it in her OP: should her night-shift DH spend every Sunday playing rugby?
HousePlantNeglect · 13/02/2022 20:36

Tbh neither of us managed a hobby whilst having a 4 month old. Quick run/gym here and there, DH quick pint here and there.

I’d not be that happy with this situation.

cherish123 · 13/02/2022 20:37

Not sure.
I would be annoyed but hobbies are important. Could you have some time to yourself another day while he as the kids?

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 13/02/2022 20:38

So he gets 5 hours to himself every week, if he’d normally be up at 3 and now isn’t until 8. And you don’t.

Did ask before he started this or did he assume you were just automatically available to look after his kids for him?

It would be fair for him to do alternate weeks and then you get the other week - to leave the house and go out for 5 hours, or put earplugs in and sleep or whatever. But 5 hours when you’re not available and he gets all 3 kids to look after by himself.

Better yet for him not to do rugby at all and let you sleep for 5 hours every Sunday. Because if he works nights, that means you’re doing all the night wakings by yourself?

CookieMunch · 13/02/2022 20:38

This really depends on what help he is the rest of the week particularly on his days off. Do you normally work too? Or are you sahm?

gemloving · 13/02/2022 20:39

@Viviennemary what a comment. Two people decide to have children, not one so if one does all the childcare whilst the other one sleeps to prep for work and then cannot do any childcare because of his hobby on Sunday, that's the problem. You've got to love Mumsnet at times HmmGrin

cadburyegg · 13/02/2022 20:41

I think YANBU because your youngest is 4 months old. I do think hobbies are important though and maybe he can do it every other weekend instead. But every week is too much atm when your kids are so little.

FourTeaFallOut · 13/02/2022 20:41

Do you normally work too? Or are you sahm?

Love to know what you think the qualitative difference there is to being a sahm or being on maternity leave to your right to an ounce of free time when you are looking after a 4 month old.

Viviennemary · 13/02/2022 20:43

Im am glad I'm not a man. No wonder so many men walk out. Works nights all week and not even allowed a once a week hobby according to most of you.

Chely · 13/02/2022 20:44

If it's the only hobby he has then I would let him have it for 1 day a week. If he's home every day he should offer you the time to do something you enjoy too.
We have 6 kids and I have to cope alone most of the time so I know how hard it can be but both parents should be allowed something they enjoy to help relieve the stresses of life.

Just10moreminutesplease · 13/02/2022 20:46

I absolutely wouldn’t be ok with that set up and neither would DH. A hobby isn’t more important than being an equal parent.

Either he needs to do all the childcare on Saturdays or he needs to stop playing at the weekend and find a hobby that works with family life.

It’s amazing how few women take up hobbies that mean they can opt out of a full day’s childcare Hmm.

FourTeaFallOut · 13/02/2022 20:46

Plenty of time to take up playing a play a tiny fiddle during nap time, Vivienne.

gemloving · 13/02/2022 20:46

@Viviennemary because being a woman has been so much easier since the beginning of time? Why have us women been fighting for our rights for so long? There is so much inequality still and you're glad you're not a man because he works and his hobby prevents him from doing childcare. Wow.

Wafflesnsniffles · 13/02/2022 20:46

Is rugby his only hobby/leisure time all week? Assuming hes not out with his mates at other times during the week...............rugby on a sunday morning sounds reasonable to me. Especially as he loves it so much.

Do you get time to pursue your hobby/interest each week?

alfayruz · 13/02/2022 20:47

You are probably really tired OP and the smallest things are winding you up. It’s very understandable. My husband also does the same thing with rugby (though he never worked nights). I don’t care now, but there were moments when it would wind me up when the kids were babies.

What does the rest of your week look like? I think his hobby is ok as long as you can get some space somewhere else?

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:50

@JellyBabiesSaveLives

So he gets 5 hours to himself every week, if he’d normally be up at 3 and now isn’t until 8. And you don’t.

Did ask before he started this or did he assume you were just automatically available to look after his kids for him?

It would be fair for him to do alternate weeks and then you get the other week - to leave the house and go out for 5 hours, or put earplugs in and sleep or whatever. But 5 hours when you’re not available and he gets all 3 kids to look after by himself.

Better yet for him not to do rugby at all and let you sleep for 5 hours every Sunday. Because if he works nights, that means you’re doing all the night wakings by yourself?

He begrudgingly stopped playing when I was pregnant with the baby as I was on crutches with PGP and it just wasn't practical to have me doing everything on my own in that state. There were a couple of disagreements about it.

Baby now 4 months.

Now a few weeks ago I got a text message from one of his team mates asking if he was available for a match. The bloke thought my number was DH's number for some reason and thought he was texting DH, supposedly.

I relayed the message and DH wanted to go so I said cool that's fine with me, go and have a good time.

Naively I didn't foresee it becoming a weekly occurrence again, except it has become exactly that and no he didn't discuss it with me before rejoining as a weekly player.

I do all of the night feeds when he's working yes, he does them on the 2 nights he's off.

That's another reason I've frustratingly sent him back to bed, because tonight is his night with the baby and he's not going to be any use to either of us if he's falling asleep the second I've gone to bed.

OP posts:
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