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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hobby rendering him useless on a Sunday whilst I juggle 3 kids

286 replies

Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:06

It's quite possible I'm being unreasonable but perhaps not, I'd like to know what you think.

DH has recently taken up his much loved hobby again (Sunday rugby) after not playing for the past 6 months or so. He works on a night shift which includes Saturday night so he goes straight to rugby from work having had no sleep. That's the sacrifice he's prepared to make in order to play because he loves it so much.

He catches up on all his sleep when he gets in from rugby, he doesn't work Sunday night's so he doesn't need to get up too early.

Unfortunately this means that for the whole of Sunday I'm doing everything for our three children. Cooking all of the food. Bathing three of them. Tantrums. Bed times. It's alot to juggle single handedly when one is so small, especially when there is somebody else who should be available to chip in.

He's just got up but was falling asleep sat down whilst changing the baby on the floor so I've told him to just go back to sleep if he's that tired he can't change a nappy without falling asleep.

Unfortunately this weekend coincides with me having the period from hell (endo) and a flare up of my chronic gastritis so I'm very short of patience and not feeling my best. I was looking forward to a bath and half an hours peace.

It has given me the hump, I'll be honest.

So should I be sucking it up because it's only one day a week or should he be thinking about how it's clearly not compatible with family life as it means he's going there on no sleep then having to sleep through what time he does have with his family.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MRS54321 · 13/02/2022 22:33

Honestly OP , I don’t think you need to worry too much about this - he’ll likely give it up once he realises it’s killing him
I work nights and the only place I go is bed
He’s mental to go to a dangerous and physical sport.
If he doesn’t realise it’s not working, you’ll need to put the foot down.
He’s on nights and you have a newborn? So none of this is a shock to him?
I presume you have no family time? Let alone some time to yourself ?
Hobbies are great , but since he isn’t a single millionaire, he’s got responsibilities
In the meantime - tell him you’ll be taking XY evenings off. Amd do take them. Leave the house cos I’m pretty sure you’re not getting time for a hobby either ?

PermanentTemporary · 13/02/2022 22:34

I don't think you're at all unreasonable. I think it's pretty shocking that you don't have friends, have been unable to shower for 2 days when you have your period and regard an hour or two at the hairdressers' as a lottery win.

But I do wonder if there is payback coming when he takes all three kids to coach them at their mini rugby sessions? TBH I would have expected him to start doing this now with at least the oldest? He doesn't have to stop being involved in rugby but it might not be playing any more, transitioning to coaching or supporting the junior team is no sinucure.

Also can you afford income protection insurance? Playing rugby on no sleep at 40 sounds like asking for a major injury tbh.

What about changing his work pattern so that he sometimes gets Saturday night off, sleeps and then plays while rested?

In the meantime, I would really prioritise finding a friendship circle or even one friend you can spend a bit of time with, either with or without the kids. And while all this stuff gets worked out, your Mum, your Dad, your MIL, your FIL - don't insist it has to be him, it sounds like you need every bit of support you can get.

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 22:34

I'm not getting any quality time for myself on Saturday no, because he works Friday night so sleeps much of Saturday in preparation for work again.

@MrsJBaptiste he does 9pm until 8am.

After work he generally stays up until about 10 sometimes 11, then he goes to bed until anytime between 6.30 and 8.00.

On Saturdays he'll get his 8ish hours sleep before the night shift, finish at 8am, come home for a quick shower then back out to make his way to rugby. Plays from 10.30 until 12.30 then travels back again on bus (sometimes 2 busses depending where he's playing)

Gets home at 2ish, goes to bed until atleast 8-9 except today he's still in bed at 10.30 because he was so tired when he got up at 8 that he couldn't even change babies nappy without dosing off.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 13/02/2022 22:36

YANBU. The rugby clearly cuts into family time when his job already means he’s not available much at the weekends.

roastingmichael · 13/02/2022 22:37

I know you've said that changing jobs isn't an option but I really think this is the issue here.

He should be able to have some time out we should you but it's not working for you and your family around his job too. These night shifts are not compatible with family like with three children.

Why can't he change? Money, job availability? Is it really impossible?

PurpleFlower1983 · 13/02/2022 22:38

The job does seem to be the bigger issue though!

Whitehydrangea · 13/02/2022 22:40

From the thread it sounds like the rugby has been an issue simmering under the surface for a long time. I've been a rugby widow with my ex and that one game takes such a toll on their bodies and energy it is so so much more than just a few hours hobby. It's a tough brutal game even in the local clubs. Not only that he is nearly 40 with three very young kids. He promised he would retire. He hasn't. You've offered a compromise. He won't. It's time for a tough talk with him because otherwise the resentment will continue to build. You are not being unreasonable.

MMMarmite · 13/02/2022 22:40

That's a pretty brutal schedule he has, it makes sense that you are struggling.

Maybe you need a wider chat about priorities as a family. Is this job the best answer for you all, or would it be worth him moving to another job so that you can get enough family time, hobby time and sleep.

The job market is good at the moment.

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 22:41

@Boombastic22

I’m struggling a bit here. Your husband works nights (presumably no option to switch jobs to a more regular pattern) and you’ve one child with autism and decided to have a third. I’d not really be begrudging him his rugby. To be honest with that work pattern Id fully be accepting I’m effectively a lone parent for much of the week.
Sorry what?

What has my child's autism got to do with anything?

Should people with an autistic child not have subsequent children?

To be honest with that work pattern Id fully be accepting I’m effectively a lone parent for much of the week

I have no issue being a lone parent for much of the week whilst I'm on mat leave. My issue is that he has continued to prioritise a hobby that takes him away from family life for the time he is or can be at home doing his share, long after he told me he was retiring.

I would love nothing more than for him to embrace his hobby, just not on the weekend when we already get very little time as a family.

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 13/02/2022 22:42

He can't hoover up all the free time for himself. If there's no other window in the week to give it back to you, you take alternate Sundays.

SkyLarkDescending · 13/02/2022 22:43

I agree with PP. I think he needs to look at changing jobs. What will happen in a couple more years when all the children are at school? He will barely see them and there will be so little family time for you all. How will you juggle 3 kids sports clubs/parties/play dates etc on your own?

whynotwhatknot · 13/02/2022 22:44

he hasnt played for months op but he was never meant to go back to it in the first place!

EmmaC78 · 13/02/2022 22:45

I think the job is the bigger issue too. If he is working 9pm - 8am 5 nights a week that's a long working week compared to a lot of jobs. Is it realistic for him to get something else?

tkwal · 13/02/2022 22:48

In my experience the adrenaline takes a while to subside after work or Rugby. I'd have thought he could come home after playing, spend a couple of hours with the kids before going to bed.

girafferafferaffe · 13/02/2022 22:48

I think it's really telling that he doesn't want to find another day that impacts you and the family less.

Feedingthebirds1 · 13/02/2022 22:50

That's a good idea but I just know what he'll respond with. He'll point out that he hasn't played rugby for months.

Then you respond with 'I haven't had any time to myself for [x] years. I've never stopped being a mother, wife and housekeeper, I don't get a six month time out and go back to it.*

BoodleBug51 · 13/02/2022 22:52

With a baby that young, he's being a dick.

I'd be questioning why I'd had 3 kids with someone who seems to want to do anything to be away from them, tbh.

Tilltheend99 · 13/02/2022 22:56

I wouldn’t say give up the hobby BUT he needs to either swap from a Sat night shift to a different day OR change to a team that play their matches on a Saturday. It’s ridiculous staying up all night then being useless after the game.

Mandatorymongoose · 13/02/2022 22:56

Working nights is shit.

For him his weekend is Sunday night / Monday night, not Sat / Sun day. His rugby game is effectively on a "Friday night" after work, then he comes home and sleeps before it's "Saturday morning" of his weekend.

It's not really the rugby that's the problem, it's the nights.

If he did days Mon - Fri he could be around on Sat and could drive to rugby on Sunday and would only be out a couple of hours. You would probably feel less irritated about it because he would be there the rest of the time.

I know it's shit for you too but I would try not to begrudge him his hobby if he does his share when he is not working. It sounds like he doesn't have much option with the nights? So he isn't just checking out of weekends. I say this as someone who works Mon-Fri with a DH who works most weekends + some evenings so I do have some empathy for frustrating shift patterns.

Sebastianthecoo · 13/02/2022 22:59

Why are you up at 6 am tomorrow when it’s his day off? He seems to be getting 8 hours of sleep after every nightshift which is a luxury not many parents of new babies get.

I had 3 under 4 and DH worked away so I know how tough it is, we have no family around and I used to be exhausted. DH used to do so much when he was around to give me a break, and I would have been completely broken if he had gone off to rugby when the alternative would be spending an evening helping with the DC, and then hopefully with you when they are settled. So you guys only have Monday nights to catch up?

TheKeatingFive · 13/02/2022 22:59

I know it's shit for you too but I would try not to begrudge him his hobby if he does his share when he is not working.

But she doesn't get her hobby or free time. How's that fair?

CanIHaveASnaaaaak · 13/02/2022 23:01

I feel guilty that DH has given up a hobby since our youngest was born (20mo). He sees it as “just how it’s bigot to be” while sleep for both of us is still slightly disturbed, work is hectic for me and chores still need to be done.

He knows he’ll get back to it soon, just when the time is right.

In your case, it doesn’t sound like there will be a best time due to his shifts, but have a word with hubby to make sure you have time do do what you want (without the daily kids/housework responsibilities) too.

giveyou2reasons · 13/02/2022 23:03

YANBU. Hobbies are important, yes, but if a hobby is taking you away from your young family for half of every weekend (what with the journey to and from and sleeping to recover afterwards), it's time to find a different hobby, a different team, whatever it takes to compromise. I'd resent the rugby, especially if he kept saying he was nearly ready to retire and changing his mind.

Sugartitsorahilly · 13/02/2022 23:03

If he's earning 100% of the wage and also doing his fair share at home, then I think he should be allowed a hobby if he wants it.

Tilltheend99 · 13/02/2022 23:05

Also, timings don’t add up. Unless they have a nearly 40min break between halves he is having a pint after the match. If you are getting no help with a four month old all morning he needs to be travelling back as soon as he gets out of the showers.