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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hobby rendering him useless on a Sunday whilst I juggle 3 kids

286 replies

Adharvan · 13/02/2022 20:06

It's quite possible I'm being unreasonable but perhaps not, I'd like to know what you think.

DH has recently taken up his much loved hobby again (Sunday rugby) after not playing for the past 6 months or so. He works on a night shift which includes Saturday night so he goes straight to rugby from work having had no sleep. That's the sacrifice he's prepared to make in order to play because he loves it so much.

He catches up on all his sleep when he gets in from rugby, he doesn't work Sunday night's so he doesn't need to get up too early.

Unfortunately this means that for the whole of Sunday I'm doing everything for our three children. Cooking all of the food. Bathing three of them. Tantrums. Bed times. It's alot to juggle single handedly when one is so small, especially when there is somebody else who should be available to chip in.

He's just got up but was falling asleep sat down whilst changing the baby on the floor so I've told him to just go back to sleep if he's that tired he can't change a nappy without falling asleep.

Unfortunately this weekend coincides with me having the period from hell (endo) and a flare up of my chronic gastritis so I'm very short of patience and not feeling my best. I was looking forward to a bath and half an hours peace.

It has given me the hump, I'll be honest.

So should I be sucking it up because it's only one day a week or should he be thinking about how it's clearly not compatible with family life as it means he's going there on no sleep then having to sleep through what time he does have with his family.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 21:29

@Lougle

Could you drive him to the venue, so that he's home earlier and up earlier?
I would if I could but I don't drive.
OP posts:
MMMarmite · 13/02/2022 21:30

I'm conflicted about this too. One hobby session he loves per week is probably really good for his physical and mental health.

But it needs to be fair on you. Could he do bedtimes one evening per week so that you could persue a hobby or meet a friend?

Beancounter1 · 13/02/2022 21:31

Him working nights takes over our lives to the extent there isn't really any convenient time for me to snatch 5 hours to myself, not if I want to spend any time with him at all.

But there are five other days in the week apart from Saturday and Sunday. If he wakes at 3pm on one of those days, you can go out with some friends or to an evening class from 3pm to 8pm and still be back in time for you to get to bed at a reasonable hour. What time does he leave home in the evening for his night shift?

Or do you mean that you don't actually want 5 hours to yourself, you want him to be available to be with you and the children? This is not uncommon - so many women don't want to have "hobby time" to match their DH's time, they just want the DH's hobby to stop so the family can all be together whenever both parents are not working.

Neither approach is wrong or right, but you have to be on the same page as him.

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 21:33

@MMMarmite

I'm conflicted about this too. One hobby session he loves per week is probably really good for his physical and mental health.

But it needs to be fair on you. Could he do bedtimes one evening per week so that you could persue a hobby or meet a friend?

He leaves for work before the kids go to bed, eldest is a sleep refuser so bed time is always tricky as it is without me trying to force him to go any earlier Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 21:37

@Beancounter1

Him working nights takes over our lives to the extent there isn't really any convenient time for me to snatch 5 hours to myself, not if I want to spend any time with him at all.

But there are five other days in the week apart from Saturday and Sunday. If he wakes at 3pm on one of those days, you can go out with some friends or to an evening class from 3pm to 8pm and still be back in time for you to get to bed at a reasonable hour. What time does he leave home in the evening for his night shift?

Or do you mean that you don't actually want 5 hours to yourself, you want him to be available to be with you and the children? This is not uncommon - so many women don't want to have "hobby time" to match their DH's time, they just want the DH's hobby to stop so the family can all be together whenever both parents are not working.

Neither approach is wrong or right, but you have to be on the same page as him.

This is a bit embarrassing but i don't have any friends who I could go out with. I could do an evening class if I really wanted to though, yes.

I think overall I've prioritised family time over pursuing any hobby of my own because we get so little time together as it is due to his work pattern so me going off and doing anything myself means we'd get no time at all.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 13/02/2022 21:38

Presumably the problem will be worse when you go back to work, assuming you work Mon-Fri, as you will be working all week, then looking after the kids all Sat and Sun with no break.

Is it possible for him to play rugby anywhere on his days off?

(I know it's generally a weekend thing as my DH plays it too).

billy1966 · 13/02/2022 21:40

YANBU.

He is unbelievably selfish.

He happily leaves you with 3 children constantly and can barely take them for an hour while you shop.

He is a selfish waster.
I'd say your mother thinks he is too.

You both decided to have children but only one of you thinks they need to be a priority.

He is a selfish arse to leave you alone with 3 such young children.

A selfish arse.

stuntbubbles · 13/02/2022 21:40

I have suggested he finds a team that plays of a weekday afternoon if thats even a thing, but he doesn't want to leave the team hes with.
This is really telling. I think hobbies and sport and time outside the family and a relationship are really important, and good for MH. And especially when he’s working nights, doing something outdoors and exercisey is good. But he won’t even look into doing it on a weekday when it would impact you so much less? Or swap hobbies or sports to something less dangerous or more flexible on the days? Does he have any idea how tough this is for you?

I’d be tempted to arrange something on a weekend that meant he had to have all 3 kids for a significant chunk of time. Just to drum home how hard it is.

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 21:42

Baby is teething at the minute so he's utterly miserable and doesn't want to be put down so the place is a dump and I haven't had time to tidy up today in between rocking him and keeping the other 2 alive.

I haven't had the chance to have a shower in 2 days which I know is pretty disgusting When it's that time of the month, so there's that fact adding to why I'm feeling frazzled and resentful because he's had the opportunity to eat/sleep/have fun in peace meanwhile I'm juggling everything on my own to the point I can't even shower.

I'll have to have one when he gets up again later, whatever time that'll be, and then I'll have to be up at 6am regardless of what time I manage to get in the shower and get to bed.

Sorry I'm ranting now.

I know he's entitled to a hobby.

OP posts:
Passanotherjaffacake · 13/02/2022 21:43

I’m with you OP, I would be angry. Your baby is too young for this, he can pick it up later. Help from 2-8pm should not be sniffed at - bet you are exhausted by then. Especially as you do nearly all the nights as well. Should be no expectation from him that your DM should step in to cover his hobby time when you are unwell and struggling. Totally agree with a PP that people who post this kind of issue are generally people who, surprisingly, don’t find hobbies which take an entire day out of family life. Hate to hear about men being arsey about giving up their fun time when their wives are pregnant and struggling too.

Very hard for you to take equal time out (for now) with such a young child so you need to be in the trenches together. Then divide hobby time later when the children are a bit older and it can be more fair.

Think you are a hero for being able to manage three on your own, to be honest. My singleton is enough of a handful most days! 😁 Wishing you well OP. Xxx

whynotwhatknot · 13/02/2022 21:45

Sorry but he promised he would retire that was the basis of you having another baby-now hes just gone back on his word

you need to have a talk

FantasticFebruary · 13/02/2022 21:45

Why can't he get a day job?

Nights are horrifically bad for you anyway. Right now we have a high number of jobs available.

Can one if his team mates not pick him up & drop him home??

I think having that sport/time with mates is good for his health & mental well-being, so I wouldn't ask him not to go, but I would be pushing for him to change jobs.

Plus it sounds like you need to find a way to get some time yourself! If you don't want to go out when he's home/awake (which I understand) could you look at a one day a week nanny? Or childminder?

flowerycurtain · 13/02/2022 21:46

I'd be pissed off with that with a 4 month old.

But I can see it's a good thing probably - it's just not good right now. Could he combine his love of rugby and help - how old are the older two? Could he take them to play rugby on a Sunday morning and coach their team? He gets to be involved with Rugby and you are 2 kids down.

I've also got a rugby fanatic. Be slightly pleased yours actually plays. Mine just sits on the sofa watching!

stuntbubbles · 13/02/2022 21:48

I know he's entitled to a hobby.
He’s not, though. That’s why it’s called a hobby and not a right. And he’s certainly not entitled to have a hobby that means you end up unshowered and rocking a teething baby by yourself while parenting two other children.

If he wants a hobby he can take up scrolling his phone on the loo for 10 minutes of sanity, like other parents of young children.

whynotwhatknot · 13/02/2022 21:48

Also the tiredness he shouldnt be cycling or playing any form of sports just coming off a night shift it cold be very dangerous

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 13/02/2022 21:49

@Viviennemary

Im am glad I'm not a man. No wonder so many men walk out. Works nights all week and not even allowed a once a week hobby according to most of you.
I wonder if you've read all of the additional details. Sleeping on Saturday to prepare for the shift etc. OP is losing 2 days from the sounds of it.

He's sleeping most of Saturday in preparation for work

And elsewhere, it seems as if he accepts being alone with his children for 30mins max.

Aussiegirl123456 · 13/02/2022 21:50

I agree with the PP, can he find a day job now? There’s plenty about. Day job and Sunday rugby could be manageable?
Maybe just treat him like the selfish kid he is and say if you work nights then no rugby but day job then yes rugby. Might bully him into changing to a more family friendly job?

this is a little tongue in cheek by the way before anyone takes any of this out of context and claims this is abusive - but it would make life easier if he did.

scootalooser · 13/02/2022 21:52

I don't think the issue is his hobby. The issue is that you are not coping (and not would I in the circs). So I think he needs to either be around to help or pay someone to
come in. We get a local teenager in for a couple of hours at the weekend as my DH works weekend shifts.

Is that an option?

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 21:54

Thank you for the understanding (even those who think IBU but can see my POV)

He was able to get a lift there a couple of times a month up until last year but that teammate has quit now. He point blank refuses to drive himself after a night shift and I do agree with him on that.

He could get a day job, in theory, but it would mean a completely different field to the one he's in and it's all he knows.

He has gone back on his word about retiring yes, he was kicking the can down the road to begin with but has totally gone back on his word now.

Conveniently he mentioned retiring again today when he got home saying he might not go the week after next but I don't buy it because I've heard it all before.

He'd be able to take 1 of our 3 to rugby with him, again in theory, but it would probably be more faff than it would be useful. Our middle child he wouldn't be able to take because his SN means he couldn't be left to watch at the side of the field without running off.

You know the strangest thing about all of this? He's not one bit interested in watching rugby on the tv Hmm small mercies?!

OP posts:
bluebirdsong · 13/02/2022 21:55

Does he work Friday night? Why does he need to sleep all day Saturday?
What hours are his night shift? 5 nights a week sounds like a lot.

catfunk · 13/02/2022 21:58

Missing the point but I don't understand how he's too tired to drive after his night shift but he's got the energy to run around for a few hours 🥴

boringcreation · 13/02/2022 21:58

I'd be making it easier on myself and not bathing 3 kids on my own on Sundays. One day won't make them filthy!

Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 21:59

I hate that there's such bad feeling about this today because it'll probably spill over into Valentine's day tomorrow, and I almost feel guilty for being in a bad mood when he's bought me roses, chocolates, an unknown gift and paid for me to get my hair done.

He's not all bad so I don't want people to think he is, but this has grated on me so much today.

The months of not having to deal with this crap on a weekend was so lovely and meant I'd forgotten just how much of a pain it is so it's a bit of a slap in the face to be back here again when I need him the most.

OP posts:
Original poster
Adharvan · 13/02/2022 22:00

@boringcreation

I'd be making it easier on myself and not bathing 3 kids on my own on Sundays. One day won't make them filthy!
I know, but it's our routine and DS in particular needs routine. Any avoidable deviation causes hell (autism)
OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 13/02/2022 22:00

If I were you I would work out work hours, leisure time, looking after the kids etc for each or you over a week. Then show it to him and ask him how you could work together to make it fairer.

If he thinks it's fair that he has so much more leisure time than you, he's a selfish wanker.

Hopefully if he sees it in black and white he'll realise how unfair he's being.