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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my husband keeps money for himself

300 replies

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 08:00

My husband is a teacher and earns about 40k a year. This goes into the family current account every month.
We have four kids.
I've been a stay at home mum for 11 years. I'm now setting up as a childminder and expect to be earning soon.
We get about £400 a month in CTC.
So, every summer, my husband does some extra work on the side, and marks exam papers. This is a big earner for him and this year he plans on earning about 10 grand on top of his usual wage. This will mean that its likely the 400 we get each month in CTC will stop.
He says he will pay for a family holiday out of it and spend about 4 grand but then he wants to put the rest in his own separate bank account. He wants to spend this as he wishes, no questions asked (his words).
He already has about 4 grand in there from his dad passing away.
Now once he earns this, as a family, we will be 400 a month, worse off. Yes, we will get a holiday, but each month, worse off so he can have 10 grand sitting in his own bank account.
This feels selfish to me.....
He also has a gambling addiction so I reckon he will just gamble with it.
Is it unfair of him to keep the money for himself?

OP posts:
rolypolydoly · 12/02/2022 08:02

Where will the money you earn go?

Flackattack · 12/02/2022 08:02

You already know the answer

Original poster
MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 08:03

Into the family bank account to share.

OP posts:
Scarby9 · 12/02/2022 08:03

I assume also that you will be looking after the children while he is marking? So no benefits to you or the children from him being on school holiday?

YA so NBU on so many fronts.

ByMyName · 12/02/2022 08:03

Completely unfair. All money that is earned for the household goes into joint account. Any money left over is saved 50/50.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 08:04

@rolypolydoly

Where will the money you earn go?
Into the family account to share.
OP posts:
ellesbellesxxx · 12/02/2022 08:05

I used to do exam marking and never earned anything like this!!!

YANBU x

PotteringAlong · 12/02/2022 08:05

How many exam papers is he marking?! I exam mark, do around 500 papers and get less than £1k. Is he really earning £10k after tax from exam marking?! Exam marking is not well paid….

Original poster
MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 08:08

About 6 different papers, he says....

OP posts:
BookBanter · 12/02/2022 08:08

So your household will be £400 worse off a month if he takes this extra work? He’s definitely being unreasonable. The only reason the CTC will stop is because HMRC will assume that the extra earnings will be going towards the household finances.

Put it to him in black and white. He need to be replacing that money each month and you’ll not let him take money from your kids. They don’t need a holiday - they need financial security.

He’s being really selfish and I’m not sure why he would think this was at all fair. He maybe doesn’t fully understand he’s basically taking money from his kids if he doesn’t replace the CTC that will be stopping?

Strictly1 · 12/02/2022 08:09

Exam marking in my experience is paying less each year. When I started about 8 years ago I earned £1300 this year it's set at just below £900. I'm amazed he can earn £10000 after tax.

converseandjeans · 12/02/2022 08:09

I would be astounded if he earned anywhere near that amount doing exam marking.

To be honest teaching FT is hard work & doing that on top would be exhausting.

I'm a bit conflicted as you are SAHM when he is on relatively low salary. It's not a bad salary but gone are the days when a teacher could support a family just on their income. Maybe he is hoping you're going to be earning soon (sounds like you plan to). If you're earning soon perhaps you can put some aside into your own savings?

Parsley1234 · 12/02/2022 08:10

Red flag gambling addiction - if he has a gambling addiction he has no money sitting anywhere

Shamoo · 12/02/2022 08:11

I can never believe it when I read posts like this. He’s a twat, and this is wholly unacceptable. To be honest, even if it wasn’t impact the CTC it would be unacceptable. Honestly, the only answer to this proposal from him is a hard no. And a clear line that if he persists you will have to consider your marriage. Because I absolutely could not be married to a man who had this attitude to his family.

nameychange · 12/02/2022 08:11

I’d echo the comment on £10k. I know a senior examiner who wrote an a level exam paper and diss all the work associated with that and also marked some of the scripts but over saw the others and often had to pick up extra and they didn’t earn £10k from it.

Unless he’s really high up or doing 2 or more papers which would be really hard to do the work for then £10k seems unrealistic.

autumnboys · 12/02/2022 08:12

You’re not being unreasonable at all. He’s being incredibly selfish.

Isntisironic1 · 12/02/2022 08:12

@MaryPoppinsChildminding

My husband is a teacher and earns about 40k a year. This goes into the family current account every month. We have four kids. I've been a stay at home mum for 11 years. I'm now setting up as a childminder and expect to be earning soon. We get about £400 a month in CTC. So, every summer, my husband does some extra work on the side, and marks exam papers. This is a big earner for him and this year he plans on earning about 10 grand on top of his usual wage. This will mean that its likely the 400 we get each month in CTC will stop. He says he will pay for a family holiday out of it and spend about 4 grand but then he wants to put the rest in his own separate bank account. He wants to spend this as he wishes, no questions asked (his words). He already has about 4 grand in there from his dad passing away. Now once he earns this, as a family, we will be 400 a month, worse off. Yes, we will get a holiday, but each month, worse off so he can have 10 grand sitting in his own bank account. This feels selfish to me..... He also has a gambling addiction so I reckon he will just gamble with it. Is it unfair of him to keep the money for himself?
But once you start earning surely you won’t be entitled to CTC? Tbh I thought earnings had to be a lot lower for you to be entitled to that. So you won’t be down £400 because you’ll be earning money
Loopytiles · 12/02/2022 08:15

He has a gambling addiction!

That’s awful and will probably be where his money is going.

Your position is very vulnerable. You can’t rely on your H due to his addiction and attitude with respect to hoarding money.

I’d be seeking the best possible paid work, with prospects to increase earnings, and childcare, rather than childminding which is low paid.

Theunamedcat · 12/02/2022 08:15

Open up your own bank account put your earnings in there

Namenic · 12/02/2022 08:15

No. He can look after children while you work over the holidays and it goes into joint. No way would I want it going into separate account for just him - he is only able to work because you look after the kids. Whatever you earn will be tax free whereas his earnings will be taxed.

toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 08:16

How can he mark 6 papers all at the same time? I did uni marking for a couple of years. Did one set of papers, was quite lucrative for 3 weeks work, but no way could I have marked 6 subjects. I also had a specialism in the paper I marked

Has he ever raided the joint account to fund his gambling addiction?

Original poster
MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 08:16

He's a team leader and marks 5 or 6 papers.

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 12/02/2022 08:16

He also has a gambling addiction so I reckon he will just gamble with it.

This is your actual problem but as a basic first step I’d insist he pay you a lump sum of £4800 NET immediately once paid to cover the £400 you will lose.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 12/02/2022 08:17

How long between him earning that and the family losing the CTC will it be before you start earning though?

I think YANBU. Do you get any access to money just for yourself from the family pot?

MrMrsJones · 12/02/2022 08:18

I would leave him for the gambling addiction alone