Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my husband keeps money for himself

300 replies

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 08:00

My husband is a teacher and earns about 40k a year. This goes into the family current account every month.
We have four kids.
I've been a stay at home mum for 11 years. I'm now setting up as a childminder and expect to be earning soon.
We get about £400 a month in CTC.
So, every summer, my husband does some extra work on the side, and marks exam papers. This is a big earner for him and this year he plans on earning about 10 grand on top of his usual wage. This will mean that its likely the 400 we get each month in CTC will stop.
He says he will pay for a family holiday out of it and spend about 4 grand but then he wants to put the rest in his own separate bank account. He wants to spend this as he wishes, no questions asked (his words).
He already has about 4 grand in there from his dad passing away.
Now once he earns this, as a family, we will be 400 a month, worse off. Yes, we will get a holiday, but each month, worse off so he can have 10 grand sitting in his own bank account.
This feels selfish to me.....
He also has a gambling addiction so I reckon he will just gamble with it.
Is it unfair of him to keep the money for himself?

OP posts:
cherrytopcake · 12/02/2022 08:18

You know very well this is beyond selfish op.

Cocomelonearworm · 12/02/2022 08:18

£10k for exam marking sounds highly unlikely. Has he had a big gambling win that he's trying to hide from you?

Original poster
MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 08:19

He literally does it non stop for weeks. He does it because it benefits him. He wouldn't if it was for the family....
He has used joint money for gambling before but I wouldn't say raided....

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 12/02/2022 08:20

Why are you still with him?

Original poster
MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 08:21

@Totalwasteofpaper

He also has a gambling addiction so I reckon he will just gamble with it.

This is your actual problem but as a basic first step I’d insist he pay you a lump sum of £4800 NET immediately once paid to cover the £400 you will lose.

I've asked him to do that...
OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 08:21

But surely there is only a short window to do the marking. There certainly was when I did it

AnotherNameChanged1234 · 12/02/2022 08:23

YANBU and based on bitter experience you might want to set aside a couple grand to repay tax credits. I’m surprised you’re getting £400 a month when he’s on £40,000. Amy increase in earnings will for sure push you over the threshold and you might be hit with a massive bill in a couple years time. Shambles of a system.

Cocomarine · 12/02/2022 08:25

You an earn £40K and still get CTC? Bloody hell!

I’m with the others - I’ve never heard of anyone clearing £10K on exam papers - including a senior examiner for one paper who manages the whole team.

He clearly wants to gamble it away. I’d be looking very carefully at whether you want to stay in this.

VelvetChairGirl · 12/02/2022 08:27

He's upto somthing and you know it.

Thingsdogetbetter · 12/02/2022 08:28

Never heard of a teacher making £10k marking over one summer. Ever! I don't think it's physically possible to mark enough papers to make that much ever if you marked 24/7 with no sleep.

Did you notice him marking non-stop over the marking period?

As he's a gambler, it's much more likely he had a big win tbh and is lying.

LittleOwl153 · 12/02/2022 08:29

I’d insist he pay you a lump sum of £4800 NET immediately once paid to cover the £400 you/your kids will lose.

For you to get CTC you must need this to keep your family afloat. How can he think that it is reasonable to simply bank earnings away from the family pot which will cause you to loose this amount of money- equivalent to the monthly food bill I'd guess??

Tbh I think he needs a massive wake up call on this.... or you need to get out.

Gizacluethen · 12/02/2022 08:29

I think it should go to the family pot. He can have 500 quid for a treat. But he's fucking up the whole summer and costing you money so it needs to have as much benefit for you as him.

SC215 · 12/02/2022 08:30

If he has a gambling addiction,you need to be in control of all finances and give him spending money weekly.

Are you not worried that he's gambling now and racking up debt? Maybe trying to earn extra money to pay it back?

LittleOwl153 · 12/02/2022 08:30

I've asked him to do that...

What was his response?

KatherineofGaunt · 12/02/2022 08:31

@Scarby9

I assume also that you will be looking after the children while he is marking? So no benefits to you or the children from him being on school holiday?

YA so NBU on so many fronts.

Most of it is done in June, so not during holidays.

TEN GRAND from marking?! Whilst teaching a full timetable? I suppose he'll get gained time, but even so, does he just mark papers from arriving at home time until bed, then all day at weekends, for a month?

I'd be really unhappy about this. Presumably you being SAHM enables him to do this massive amount of marking. He's being an arse to say "I've treated you to a holiday, so you don't deserve to benefit from it any further. Thank for looking after the kids and house while I did nothing except mark and teach".

(Also, I'm jealous you get CTC! We have one income of ~£16k a year and not entitled to any benefits!)

timeisnotaline · 12/02/2022 08:32

I wouldn’t put a penny of my earnings into the family account until the ctc is repaid!!

Dinoboymama · 12/02/2022 08:32

Not only does him earning more affect the ctc but having savings means you have to declare them to once you get to 6k it starts taking money off your ctc.

In our family all money is family money we will buy things we need without asking each other ie clothes, golf stuff for my husband, gig tickets, birthday gifts but any thing big like holidays we both have to agree to before spending.

Mumtofourandnomore · 12/02/2022 08:33

I wondered too if he had debt and was desperately trying pay it back.

timeisnotaline · 12/02/2022 08:34

And where does he do the marking? If it’s at home I would say I’ll just leave the dc with you and go out, since this is basically your fun hobby and I can’t see why I would support it. Or tell him drop the dc off at his work venue explaining to his fellow markers as you leave them that you’re sorry the dc will disturb them too but he keeps every penny earned here so you aren’t his free childcare - I bet that would seriously embarrass him. I do believe in a good public shaming for shitty behaviour, it’s amazing how clearly they know it’s shitty since they don’t actually want everyone else to know Grin

HollowTalk · 12/02/2022 08:36

Another one here who is absolutely astonished that he thinks he's going to earn £10,000. He clearly isn't taking tax into account. There's such a short period of time when marking happens. If he thinks that he's going to earn that much money then he obviously doesn't plan on doing anything at all with the family throughout that time. That includes even speaking to them!

It sounds as though he has that extra 6000 earmarked for gambling. That's why he's keeping it separate.

GeneLovesJezebel · 12/02/2022 08:36

Yes it’s unfair.
You need to have any earnings of your own put straight into your own account, or LTB !

ThatsAllFolks · 12/02/2022 08:41

I had one like this. Three grand in one week on gambling out of joint account, apparently I was unreasonable to question it and how dare I open joint bank statement and actually he won, but put proceeds in a personal account. One grand earned marking scripts was gambled and bragged about as five grand. All the time I was pinching pennies here and there to meet costs. I said I couldn't deal with it. He said he would stop. Caught gambling again. Challenged, said ' I told u what u wanted to hear'. Ugh. Very happy to be rid of him. Good luck OP. Don't let him fool you with his alternative view of reality

SC215 · 12/02/2022 08:41

OP I've just read your other thread from last month. Your husband is emotionally and financially abusive, doesn't want to be a dad to his kids, is an alcoholic and a gambler.

He sounds like an absolute shit, and I know you are scared of being alone, but I can pretty much guarantee that you would be happier without him. Your kids probably would be too. Imagine waking up in a peaceful house, with control over your own finances and being to bloody watch what you want to watch on TV!

You need to start looking at practical advice for how you could separate, what is your housing situation like? Rented? Mortgage? In both names or just his?

Maybe start another thread in relationships to get some better advice from women who have been through similiar, good luck Flowers

SC215 · 12/02/2022 08:42

Oh, and don't trust what your husband says, he's gaslighting you.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 12/02/2022 08:42

Hmm you will be earning soon after 11 years of him 100% supporting the family also as soon as you earn that ctc would be gone anyway,