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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That my husband keeps money for himself

300 replies

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 08:00

My husband is a teacher and earns about 40k a year. This goes into the family current account every month.
We have four kids.
I've been a stay at home mum for 11 years. I'm now setting up as a childminder and expect to be earning soon.
We get about £400 a month in CTC.
So, every summer, my husband does some extra work on the side, and marks exam papers. This is a big earner for him and this year he plans on earning about 10 grand on top of his usual wage. This will mean that its likely the 400 we get each month in CTC will stop.
He says he will pay for a family holiday out of it and spend about 4 grand but then he wants to put the rest in his own separate bank account. He wants to spend this as he wishes, no questions asked (his words).
He already has about 4 grand in there from his dad passing away.
Now once he earns this, as a family, we will be 400 a month, worse off. Yes, we will get a holiday, but each month, worse off so he can have 10 grand sitting in his own bank account.
This feels selfish to me.....
He also has a gambling addiction so I reckon he will just gamble with it.
Is it unfair of him to keep the money for himself?

OP posts:

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 12/02/2022 19:53

Yanbu even before you mentioned the gambling addiction. If he’s really truly an addict that money won’t sit in his account- it’ll be gone.

toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 20:11

When did you last mark papers @Cnp41? Not sure you get that rate anymore

Cnp41 · 12/02/2022 20:31

@toomuchlaundry I last marked in 2019 - prepandemic obviously. I defs took a hit the past two summers not marking. Have marked for 10 years - team leader for 6. Yes I am aware now the rates have changed from this summer because papers have been essentially shortened. I have my contracts already. But in 2019 it was just over 5 a paper. Not that it matters - as someone already said - it's not the point of the thread. Just wanted the op to know that it is definitely possible when there was a pile on telling her she must be lying or her husband must be lying about earnings.

Original poster

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 21:23

@Cnp41

You can earn that much from exam marking if you are organised enough and skilled enough. I have earned that much as well in the past and it can be done. Mark about 30 papers a day 6 days a week -and the marking period can last from Early june into August -maybe 10 weeks - approx five quid a paper - add your team leader earnings on top and yes it can be done. Marking is checked and tested throughout by senior examiners and random 'tests' so if he was no good at it he would be stopped. He obviously marks so many that he knows the paper inside out which also makes you faster as you go through the summer.He still sounds like an areshole though. But he's not lying about earnings. He should defs share the earnings though as you are looking after kids whilst he does all this. And it will be morning and night.If he had to pay for childcare it would not be as lucrative.

I do believe he does all of the marking and I think that this is the case. It's just the fact that I feel myself and the kids don't mean enough to him to want to share with his family. And also the fact he will likely gamble it away.

OP posts:

Original poster

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 21:26

[quote Cnp41]@toomuchlaundry I last marked in 2019 - prepandemic obviously. I defs took a hit the past two summers not marking. Have marked for 10 years - team leader for 6. Yes I am aware now the rates have changed from this summer because papers have been essentially shortened. I have my contracts already. But in 2019 it was just over 5 a paper. Not that it matters - as someone already said - it's not the point of the thread. Just wanted the op to know that it is definitely possible when there was a pile on telling her she must be lying or her husband must be lying about earnings.[/quote]
Yes, has actually felt like people are telling me that I'm lying. Not sure why I'd come on here and lie about all of this.

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 12/02/2022 21:37

Perhaps he is lying to you about what he's earned. How would you know if he was being truthful or not?

You need to leave.

Tempusfudgeit · 12/02/2022 21:46

OP, you've been posting on this thread for 12 hours. Has anything sunk in?

Merryoldgoat · 12/02/2022 21:57

You are concentrating on the wrong stuff OP. Maybe that’s all you are capable of at the moment but you will never be happy until you sort out this shit-show and focus on what’s important- that he’s a gambler, an alcoholic, a cheat and an abjectly absent and lazy father.

You can’t change him. I suspect having been with him since your teens means you’ve limited life experience. Get some fast and get away.

Original poster

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 22:27

It's not so easy to just walk away. Of course it's sunk in. I've been with him my whole life. 39 years I've known him and been his friend, well before, his wife.
I know and understand the problems he has. I know he lies to me.
Yes I'm not strong and I know i need to find some strength, but it's really hard.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 12/02/2022 22:29

You have 4 children. Find the strength for them. Because you’ll raise them to think it’s normal to abuse and he abused.

Merryoldgoat · 12/02/2022 22:33

My mum didn’t find the strength either.

You know what happened to her? She dropped dead at 40 and left us with him and unbelievable mess and chaos that still affects us and our choices 25 years later.

toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 22:33

How old are your DC?

cherish123 · 12/02/2022 22:37

I would say it's okay. If I was in that situation, I might feel like doing the same. I doubt he will earn £10k from exam marking. Normally, less than 1.5k after tax - if national exams.

cherish123 · 12/02/2022 22:40

Not sure I'd leave him or why some suggesting it. The gambling would worry me and that he'd squander the money on that.

toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 22:40

@cherish123 have you read the thread?

Original poster

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 22:49

No, I fully understand why people are saying to leave him. They're right and I'd be saying the same to others. It's just not that easy.
Kids are 5, 9, nearly 12 and nearly 15.

OP posts:

cherish123 · 12/02/2022 23:24

@toomuchlaundry nope
I don't have time to read 12 pages

toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 23:30

@cherish123 there are quite a few reasons why posters are telling the OP to leave him. That’s why it usually helps to read the thread

TheTeenageYears · 12/02/2022 23:40

@Nailsbythesea If Btec exams went ahead this year they have a Jan series. The Extended diploma equiv to 3 A levels has exam units.

blackdumpling · 12/02/2022 23:51

My theory is that he is in fact marking furiously 24/7
Except that he is not making anywhere near the 10K as claimed
The bulk of this money is still coming from elsewhere
He is using the marking to earn some money back
But that it's a cover for where he is getting the rest of the money

Graphista · 13/02/2022 00:46

Sorry op but I think it's a case of you THINK it's hard to leave

It's really not.

You're afraid of the unknown. Common enough. But the unknown I guarantee you will be better than how things are now.

I promise you it may be hard in the initial stages but in a year or so of leaving you will wonder why you didn't do it earlier.

My mother remained married to my very abusive father. That decision fucked up my siblings and I for life. Not just because of the abuse but because we didn't have a mother we could rely on to protect

BELIEVE ME you don't want to be her.

She very much regrets staying and my brother and I as a result barely have a relationship with her. My sister only does in order to use her for childcare and money.

My dd barely knows her gran as I made the decision in order to protect her to not allow her to have unsupervised contact with either of my parents ever. My brother moved over 400 miles away and his kids barely know her.

Is that what you want? Do you want to have wasted your life? Your motherhood on an abusive, selfish and destructive man?

Do you want your dc to have Mh problems for the rest of their lives?

I'm 49 I will NEVER recover from the results of her decision not to leave.

I love her I recognise she was also a victim. But I cannot forgive her for not leaving, she had ample opportunity and resources to do so and even if she hadn't even if it had been a case of going to a refuge initially and having no money (which we didn't have anyway as he drank it away) we'd have been better off than we were with her staying.

What would your dc want you to do?

Neveragain85 · 13/02/2022 08:23

It's hard to understand how you can handle the situation. You have no idea what is actually going on, whether he is racking up debts or doing well or spending his earnings which should be for the whole family to benefit from. It must be very unsettling. For me this would be a dealbreaker, I wouldn't be able to handle the anxiety. My exh used to spend a lot each month on shopping, I have no idea how but we'd spend £1k a month easily at Tesco's for 4 of us. Since we split I'm so much better off & I'm in control of my finances. I know what I have & don't have & where I'm going. Financial problems have the ability to seriously bugger up your life for years so need to be taken seriously especially if they are not your making or in your control. Hope you find a way forwards

Faevern · 13/02/2022 09:37

[quote cherish123]@toomuchlaundry nope
I don't have time to read 12 pages[/quote]
Then why comment

sairiegamp · 13/02/2022 10:02

He's being rewarded everyday for being a shit man, husband and father. He has no reason to change. One or more of your DCs will very likely become like him. Please find the strength to kick him out.

SingToTheSky · 15/02/2022 09:01

@MondayYogurt

We could have 1000 posts discussing exam marking rates and it wouldn't change the fact you and your children live with an actively abusive man.

What will it take for you to leave him?

This 💐

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