That my husband keeps money for himself

[MaryPoppinsChildminding]

My husband is a teacher and earns about 40k a year. This goes into the family current account every month.
We have four kids.
I've been a stay at home mum for 11 years. I'm now setting up as a childminder and expect to be earning soon.
We get about £400 a month in CTC.
So, every summer, my husband does some extra work on the side, and marks exam papers. This is a big earner for him and this year he plans on earning about 10 grand on top of his usual wage. This will mean that its likely the 400 we get each month in CTC will stop.
He says he will pay for a family holiday out of it and spend about 4 grand but then he wants to put the rest in his own separate bank account. He wants to spend this as he wishes, no questions asked (his words).
He already has about 4 grand in there from his dad passing away.
Now once he earns this, as a family, we will be 400 a month, worse off. Yes, we will get a holiday, but each month, worse off so he can have 10 grand sitting in his own bank account.
This feels selfish to me.....
He also has a gambling addiction so I reckon he will just gamble with it.
Is it unfair of him to keep the money for himself?

I second getting a closer look at the paperwork from before. Eg could he have shown you something saying he earned x monthly but it was actually the full amount? I don’t see how exam marking wages could vary this much unless it’s some private company or corporate training exams or something?!

I don’t think people are calling YOU a liar 💐 just that H is probably one.

You just cannot trust a gambling addict.

But anyway even if it really is from exam marking he sounds vile and doesn’t respect you at all. You really would be better off without him 💐

£10k in exam marking? Are you sure? Is he planning on working for all the exam boards? I mark and can only manage one set at a time and earn around £1k. The exam marking window is desperately short. Unless he is team leader for all the exam boards and isn’t going to sleep for 3 weeks, I can’t imagine it is possible to earn anywhere near that amount.

I would actually divorce over this.

So many issues here.

Staying married to a selfish gambler is the first red flag ... nope.

Staying married to someone who ACTIVELY costs you your own income, and then hoards the income that caused it for himself ... nope.

Expecting you to carry more of the load at home while he does it ... nope.

Get legal advice and have a good look at all the accounts.

I just read your other post.

OP - it’s time to face up to the facts - he’s abusive, unfaithful, addictive and plain nasty.

He’s not a good bloke deep down - he’s utterly vile.

Frankly if you don’t end it you’re consigning your children and yourself to a life of misery.

How are you eligible for tax credits when he earns £40k? I’m a SAHM, my DH earns a bit less than that and we are eligible for nothing!

OP, sounds like you’re not convinced he cant earn that much from marking. Do you see him marking? How is it done these days ie are there still physical exam papers to mark? Maybe a pp could give details. It would be so easy to disappear behind a door for hours on end and say you’re “marking”.

My father was an alcoholic (genetic as it happens) and a gambler. He cared more about betting on horses and going to the pub than about us. He earned a good wage yet the family car was re processed and he had huge debts.
He withheld money from my mother and was an awful father and husband. I don’t have any good memories of him and our childhood.
My mother never really recovered from that time and neither have some of my siblings.
My father killed himself 30 years ago and as harsh as it sounds not many of us miss him. Especially us older siblings. The younger siblings seem to have better memories of him.

@Lolapusht

OP, sounds like you’re not convinced he cant earn that much from marking. Do you see him marking? How is it done these days ie are there still physical exam papers to mark? Maybe a pp could give details. It would be so easy to disappear behind a door for hours on end and say you’re “marking”.

He's definitely marking. I've seen him doing it. He does it in the family room. I've no idea how we are eligible other than they know his earnings, Inc, when he's marked before. We stopped getting it in 2019 when he earned the extra and then we started getting it again afterwards. All I know is its worked on his income after pension contributions and on 4 children....

I can never ever get people who have joint kids and not joint finances...I mean sure have personal bank accounts but this "what I have earned is mine" mindset......I mean what the actual fuck? and you have 4 kids with a man with an addiction problem?

@CayrolBaaaskin

I don’t think it’s unacceptable in itself for him to want some of the extra money he is earning for himself. The gambling sounds like an issue though

But while he is earning extra money for himself, the OP is looking after their 4 kids on her own? Why should he solely benefit?

He probably is marking but he won’t be earning that much. The exam boards send a payslip, I did it for years, did you see it ?

I assume he has to do a tax return with this extra earning? Does it impact child benefit too?

@godmum56

I can never ever get people who have joint kids and not joint finances...I mean sure have personal bank accounts but this "what I have earned is mine" mindset......I mean what the actual fuck? and you have 4 kids with a man with an addiction problem?

I too believe all should be joint. I didn't know he had addictions before the kids.

Does he stop drinking whilst he is marking?

@toomuchlaundry

I assume he has to do a tax return with this extra earning? Does it impact child benefit too?

He's never earned above 50 grand so not on child benefit...

Exam marking is also a very short time frame and is over by mid July if not earlier

@toomuchlaundry

Does he stop drinking whilst he is marking?

Good point!

@MaryPoppinsChildminding

About 6 different papers, he says....

Are you sure thgis isn;t some cover for a gambling ruse he's planning? The syphoning off of money is to cover his tracks if he loses.

You need to confront the gambling NOW. I had a friend who ended up homeless with a young son when her husband gambled away every they owned - all the family savings, the lot.

Look OP, you have got more problems than what he does this summer.....but you know this.......My suggestion is that you think about what strategy you need to adopt to get hold of as much money as you can in a stash so that when your relationship goes tits up, you are ready....sorry.

OMG he drinks AND gambles?

Ive been married to a selfish man like this but under slightly different circumstances but a gambler who spent our 30k house deposit, we knoe your husbands money will be going on gambling. We are currently splitting up and finally i will be free

Is he the son of a (deceased) billionaire and does he have "enemies"? ...

If you're going to be down £400 a month then that is the price of what he wants to spend on a holiday - 12*400 = 3600?

My husband does marking and as it's extra work I always say he can do what he wants with the money as it's extra. It's only ever a couple of grand though. If it was 10k I'd say the same but he'd definitely not want to keep it and would spend it on the house.

You need to do something about the gambling addiction as I think this all comes down to stress about that!

I know this isn’t the point, but how do you get tax credits if your husband earns 40 grand a year? We get this combined and don’t qualify for anything except child benefit. I’m not being sneary but genuinely would like to know. Our mortgage is low about 320 pm

Sorry my maths was slightly wrong it's £4800 but still about what you said he would spend on a holiday. It definitely sounds like a cover to me though!