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Original poster

That my husband keeps money for himself

300 replies

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 08:00

My husband is a teacher and earns about 40k a year. This goes into the family current account every month.
We have four kids.
I've been a stay at home mum for 11 years. I'm now setting up as a childminder and expect to be earning soon.
We get about £400 a month in CTC.
So, every summer, my husband does some extra work on the side, and marks exam papers. This is a big earner for him and this year he plans on earning about 10 grand on top of his usual wage. This will mean that its likely the 400 we get each month in CTC will stop.
He says he will pay for a family holiday out of it and spend about 4 grand but then he wants to put the rest in his own separate bank account. He wants to spend this as he wishes, no questions asked (his words).
He already has about 4 grand in there from his dad passing away.
Now once he earns this, as a family, we will be 400 a month, worse off. Yes, we will get a holiday, but each month, worse off so he can have 10 grand sitting in his own bank account.
This feels selfish to me.....
He also has a gambling addiction so I reckon he will just gamble with it.
Is it unfair of him to keep the money for himself?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 12/02/2022 09:33

I’ve just read through your other thread.
This man has been coercively controlling you throughout your whole relationship. He is not a good man. He is an addict, a terrible husband and a terrible father. You and your children are suffering because of his behaviour. If you choose to stay with him, you’re putting his, and your own, needs above that of your children. They WILL be affected. This will NOT end well.
You and your children deserve better. He deserves fuck all.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 12/02/2022 09:35

Maybe he's doing it to try and clear a secret gambling debt and that is why he doesn't want you to know where it is going...... 🙁

tiredanddangerous · 12/02/2022 09:36

There's absolutely no way in hell he can earn that marking papers.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 09:37

@Cottonfrenzie

I signed up to two papers one year and earnt about 1k. And that was with doing additional papers where you got 'bonus' money. There's no way you can earn 10k doing 5 or 6 papers. Have you seen the contract from the board? I would be surprised if they even allowed him to do that much, it would probably impact on accuracy of marking. I also think that's an impossible amount to do on a FT contract even without kids. In exam season there's still work to be done for the other kids you teach!

And 12k in 2019? I don't believe it. It's something you do on the side for a period of about 6 weeks at most! Sometimes it's even less.

There's something not right here

I've had no reason to believe he's not telling the truth on what he's earning. He did earn alot in 2019 and I'm sure the paperwork showed it was that much. He paid off all of his debt which was alot of money.
OP posts:
Cottonfrenzie · 12/02/2022 09:41

I suggest you take another, much closer, look at the paperwork. What you are saying is simply not possible

GrazingSheep · 12/02/2022 09:42

Your children are being harmed
You have to consider leaving him

LavenderAskew · 12/02/2022 09:43

What would be the point in me lying?
He's an alcoholic and a gambler.
He just lies. About everything and anything.

I understand that it's utterly baffling to a person who doesn't lie, just how much and how blatantly addicts lie.

He has no need for a reason other than it suits him to or he wants to.

An addict would tell you their white shirt is blue and be utterly unwavering about it, no matter how much you pointed out the reality.

Musmerian · 12/02/2022 09:43

I’ve done exam marking for years and I would say it’s impossible to earn anywhere near that amount. The average per paper is about £7 and there’s a limit to how many an exam board will give you - plus the fact that the deadlines are usually pretty close to the end of term.

Nanny0gg · 12/02/2022 09:43

So paying off his debt took money away from his family.

Go and get legal advice. If you’re setting up as a childminder, with support and maintenance you could prolly be much better off on your own

Tillymintpolo · 12/02/2022 09:44

I echo the comments about earning that much marking papers, he’s lying to you

Squidlydoo · 12/02/2022 09:45

@PotteringAlong

How many exam papers is he marking?! I exam mark, do around 500 papers and get less than £1k. Is he really earning £10k after tax from exam marking?! Exam marking is not well paid….
THIS!!! No way is he earning £10K from exam marking
Musmerian · 12/02/2022 09:45

@Cottonfrenzie

I signed up to two papers one year and earnt about 1k. And that was with doing additional papers where you got 'bonus' money. There's no way you can earn 10k doing 5 or 6 papers. Have you seen the contract from the board? I would be surprised if they even allowed him to do that much, it would probably impact on accuracy of marking. I also think that's an impossible amount to do on a FT contract even without kids. In exam season there's still work to be done for the other kids you teach!

And 12k in 2019? I don't believe it. It's something you do on the side for a period of about 6 weeks at most! Sometimes it's even less.

There's something not right here

Totally this. Anyone who teaches and does marking will tell you the figures just don’t add up. The money is coming from somewhere else.
Ragruggers · 12/02/2022 09:46

Firstly I am sorry you are living with this awful man.Are you happy?Ask yourself is this the life you want for yourself and importantly your 4 children.You can live a different life without this constant stress.Really think about it .Do not trust him.Move on you can do this.Be strong.

Chloemol · 12/02/2022 09:46

Iwould be telling him that he has to lay into the account the £400 a month you lose to start off with, plus the holiday

Then if he wants to keep the rest ok, but when you start earning I would be keeping some of that just for me, so again i would cover the £400 I assume you will lose, and keep at least half of the rest as your own, to do with what you want

Tell him that now, let’s see what he says

WetLookKnitwear · 12/02/2022 09:46

Gambling harms the family financially, you need to have a blunt conversation about this and your finances.

No way would I be happy if my DH worked extra all summer mainly so he can blow it on a gambling addiction. The holiday is a distraction, he thinks if he suggests a holiday you have less leverage to complain about the gambling.

Onlyforcake · 12/02/2022 09:46

I ...
Nothing an addict says can ever be believed. 'no questions asked' is not a phrase needed in a decent relationship.

There's something VERY wrong with the sums here.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/02/2022 09:47

@HollowTalk

Another one here who is absolutely astonished that he thinks he's going to earn £10,000. He clearly isn't taking tax into account. There's such a short period of time when marking happens. If he thinks that he's going to earn that much money then he obviously doesn't plan on doing anything at all with the family throughout that time. That includes even speaking to them!

It sounds as though he has that extra 6000 earmarked for gambling. That's why he's keeping it separate.

This...

Im wondering, the 10k sounds madly high? ... Ive several close contacts who are examiners and NONE earn anything like this.

Is he trying to cover up (expected) gambling wins??

I just could NOT live with a compulsive gambler...

It makes you ALL very very vulnerable. A pal discovered her (lovely) husband had a serious online gambling habit with 10k of debt from it... Which was their entire savings for two years. She felt lucky she'd discovered this, as he waa just about to borrow agaibst their house, to gamble.

All done in the name of improving family finances (frequent in compulsive gamblers).

They did get through it fir another decade... Abd the only way she could do it was her taking complete contrkl of the finances and he was getting proper treatment...

Thats the ONLY way.

millymae · 12/02/2022 09:47

Putting aside family issues - I feel sorry for the kids whose papers he marks.
I honestly couldn’t live with someone who has this attitude towards money and who gambles and drinks, but we are all different.
One thing I definitely know is that if I was hoping to earn money myself as you are, I’d be making damn sure I squirrelled away a fair proportion that he didn’t know about .

Merryoldgoat · 12/02/2022 09:51

The exam papers are a red herring.

You’re with a man who doesn’t value you or your contribution to the family.

He gambles using family money and is an alcoholic.

Just leave him. There’s no future there for you where you’re happy.

saleorbouy · 12/02/2022 09:51

If he contibutes more to his pension he can then come under the 51k threshold which is calculated after pension contributions are deducted.
The benefit is removed on a sliding scale and not a cut and dry scenario. It might have changed since I was last looking at this though.
Sounds like DH should use the money towards gambling therapy!

theqentity · 12/02/2022 09:53

OP I've also read your other thread. This man is abusive and you owe it to yourself and your children to leave him. He will suck you dry. He already has.

Opalfeet · 12/02/2022 10:00

What is CTC? How do you get it?

KatherineofGaunt · 12/02/2022 10:05

So, he had £12k he earned in 2019 to pay off debts HE incurred. This year he wants to keep in the region of £11k (£5k inheritance + £6k of this year's exam earnings) for himself for an undisclosed reason.

When does his family get to benefit from the fact he's never around?

Sounds to be like you'd be better off financially without him. I'm worried for you that he could remortgage the house or something to pay more debts, or there could already be big debts you don't know about. That you'll be jointly responsible for.

Imagine... he has large debts. You split and you're both responsible for repaying. He keeps his £40k job plus his £10k exam marking to cover some of the debt, while spiralling into more debt. You are earning a very small amount as a childminder, plus having the 4 kids living with you much of the time, whilst still trying to pay off a large debt incurred BY HIM while you were married.

I would leave now in the hope he hasn't yet incurred a large debt that will keep your nose to the grindstone for years to come.

CayrolBaaaskin · 12/02/2022 10:07

I don’t think it’s unacceptable in itself for him to want some of the extra money he is earning for himself. The gambling sounds like an issue though

Cherrysoup · 12/02/2022 10:09

So you won’t see him all summer and he won’t be helping to parent his own kids because he’ll be marking? I exam marked one year, never again! Literally did nothing but, fortunately it was only over a half term. I think that’s unfair of him.

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