Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

That my husband keeps money for himself

300 replies

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 08:00

My husband is a teacher and earns about 40k a year. This goes into the family current account every month.
We have four kids.
I've been a stay at home mum for 11 years. I'm now setting up as a childminder and expect to be earning soon.
We get about £400 a month in CTC.
So, every summer, my husband does some extra work on the side, and marks exam papers. This is a big earner for him and this year he plans on earning about 10 grand on top of his usual wage. This will mean that its likely the 400 we get each month in CTC will stop.
He says he will pay for a family holiday out of it and spend about 4 grand but then he wants to put the rest in his own separate bank account. He wants to spend this as he wishes, no questions asked (his words).
He already has about 4 grand in there from his dad passing away.
Now once he earns this, as a family, we will be 400 a month, worse off. Yes, we will get a holiday, but each month, worse off so he can have 10 grand sitting in his own bank account.
This feels selfish to me.....
He also has a gambling addiction so I reckon he will just gamble with it.
Is it unfair of him to keep the money for himself?

OP posts:
Tillymintpolo · 12/02/2022 15:16

He’s probably marking mocks from his own school

toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 15:16

I was thinking that @Tillymintpolo

Tillymintpolo · 12/02/2022 15:33

Are the papers in front of him or is it online ?

monkeysox · 12/02/2022 15:40

How are you getting CTC if earning 40000

WeyAyeMan · 12/02/2022 15:46

What happened to the CTC in 2019 when he earned an extra 12k? @MaryPoppinsChildminding

Whitefire · 12/02/2022 16:01

@monkeysox

How are you getting CTC if earning 40000
There are 4 children, and if there is a disabled child you get more.
BlaBlaFishcakes · 12/02/2022 16:05

We stopped getting it in 2019 when he earned the extra and then we started getting it again afterwards.
All I know is its worked on his income after pension contributions and on 4 children....

Hang on, if you stopped getting CTC and then needed to claim again later on, wouldn't you then be on UC, since new claims aren't available for CTC? In which case, you could probably only claim for 2 children anyway.

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 16:23

@BlaBlaFishcakes

*We stopped getting it in 2019 when he earned the extra and then we started getting it again afterwards. All I know is its worked on his income after pension contributions and on 4 children....*

Hang on, if you stopped getting CTC and then needed to claim again later on, wouldn't you then be on UC, since new claims aren't available for CTC? In which case, you could probably only claim for 2 children anyway.

Yes that's right. It went over to UC after that. We claim for all 4 as all are born before April 2017.
OP posts:
MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 16:23

I just say CTC as that's what I was used to calling it. Sorry, I realise that's confusing now.

OP posts:
MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 16:24

@Tillymintpolo

Are the papers in front of him or is it online ?
Online...
OP posts:
Justgorgeous · 12/02/2022 16:35

I thought you could only earn £30,000 jointly to get CTC ?

toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 16:36

Has he said how much he is getting paid for this tranche of papers?

Graphista · 12/02/2022 16:41

So he's basically depriving his family of at least £4800?

Wtf!

And who is caring for the dc while he's doing this extra work?

You of course

You KNOW he's taking the piss op!

He also has a gambling addiction

I was just gonna say the ONLY reason to not have all family money in one pot is addiction

Why are you still with him?

Do you have proof he hasn't already gambled away the money he claims to have in that account?

They don’t need a holiday - they need financial security.

This

Do not put your earnings into a shared account. Get your own account completely separate from him and quite honestly prepare to leave as soon as possible.

Gambling addiction, plus what sounds like financial abuse?

Better off on your own I suspect op

I'm also not buying the £10k crap! Sounds seriously dodgy to me

Has he had a big gambling win that he's trying to hide from you?

A definite possibility

He has used joint money for gambling before but I wouldn't say raided....

I would!

How long have you known about the gambling?

Your husband is emotionally and financially abusive, doesn't want to be a dad to his kids, is an alcoholic and a gambler

If so then you need to stop pussyfooting about op and get out!

Have you checked his, yours and the kids credit history? (I know not really the kids credit history but he could be using their names)

Start building up an emergency fund because your husband is going to fleece you.

Yep!

I know.... You're right. It's just so hard. It's one thing after another.

Your life will be MUCH easier if you leave him. Plan for it but not overly so and then do it.

Enough is enough

If I knew this guy I'd be raising with the exam boards that the quality of his marking is likely very poor too

He had to pay off all of his debt so we could move house and get his credit score back on track.

Yea I'm beginning to doubt the veracity now too - that doesn't happen in such a short time period! It takes years for a credit history to recover from debt

Either he's lying or op is.

He's definitely marking. I've seen him doing it.

Would be very easy to fake!

I'm also wondering if this apparent windfall will actually come from the inheritance which was a lot more than he admitted to op and he's using to cover his tracks?

Whatever is going on op, you and the kids will be far far better off in every way if you leave him. Stop dithering about that, get onto womens aid, https://www.ncdv.org.uk, your gp, social services, family...whoever can help you get the hell out!

Alcoholic teachers are hardly a new thing I had at least 2 during my time at school who were regularly obviously drunk and stank of booze!

My dd had 1 too.

No, he isn't drunk while working.

I find that hard to believe too esp as he seems to deceive you quite easily so I'm not sure you're best placed to judge/know.

I haven't seen any contracts or his bank statement which is where that marking money is paid.

I think it's pretty clear you have absolutely no idea how much money he does or doesn't have, what debts, even if your home is safe.

Stop burying your head in the sand and start being realistic.

Check the credit histories, speak to gambling, debt and domestic abuse organisations and most importantly get out of this relationship!

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 16:41

@toomuchlaundry

Has he said how much he is getting paid for this tranche of papers?
I think maybe about 800 quid....
OP posts:
Whitefire · 12/02/2022 17:11

@Justgorgeous

I thought you could only earn £30,000 jointly to get CTC ?
The limits change depending on the number of children, 30k is for two children I think.
Nailsbythesea · 12/02/2022 17:41

There are no current exam papers externally to mock. This is a lie. BTEC is moderation. Gcse and A level are starting in may / June - he would not be able to mark 6 different papers - contracts that are given out prevent this and also multiple different exam board workings.

Schools have had mock papers but these would not be online. End of.

Nailsbythesea · 12/02/2022 17:41

To mark not to mock

Sowhatifiam · 12/02/2022 18:38

There are no current exam papers externally to mock

I have just finishing marking for Pearson and the Imternational a level that went ahead in January. There has been a small amount of marking of late, although clearly not as much as there is in the summer.,

Bringsexyback · 12/02/2022 18:41

Thank goodness you married start preparing for divorce even if it doesn’t happen just prepare for it

MaryPoppinsChildminding · 12/02/2022 18:42

@Sowhatifiam

There are no current exam papers externally to mock

I have just finishing marking for Pearson and the Imternational a level that went ahead in January. There has been a small amount of marking of late, although clearly not as much as there is in the summer.,

Pearson rings a bell. I think that's what he's marking.
OP posts:
Boombastic22 · 12/02/2022 18:44

I’d be really worried OP. This is selfish and financially abusive. I cannot understand how you’d be happy remaining with this man and not earning. Is a childminder really going to be enough for you to support your children alone? I could never stay with a man like this. And this post reminds once again why I always kept working and am fully financially independent.

Tillymintpolo · 12/02/2022 18:50

Pearson is Edexcel

Cnp41 · 12/02/2022 19:16

You can earn that much from exam marking if you are organised enough and skilled enough. I have earned that much as well in the past and it can be done. Mark about 30 papers a day 6 days a week -and the marking period can last from Early june into August -maybe 10 weeks - approx five quid a paper - add your team leader earnings on top and yes it can be done. Marking is checked and tested throughout by senior examiners and random 'tests' so if he was no good at it he would be stopped. He obviously marks so many that he knows the paper inside out which also makes you faster as you go through the summer.He still sounds like an areshole though. But he's not lying about earnings. He should defs share the earnings though as you are looking after kids whilst he does all this. And it will be morning and night.If he had to pay for childcare it would not be as lucrative.

MondayYogurt · 12/02/2022 19:38

We could have 1000 posts discussing exam
marking rates and it wouldn't change the fact you and your children live with an actively abusive man.

What will it take for you to leave him?

hoxt · 12/02/2022 19:52

There have been external BTEC exams in January & February, so he could be doing marking currently.

Swipe left for the next trending thread