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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to say no?

373 replies

Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:24

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night.

My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that.

Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on...

I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time.

DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/02/2022 16:25

He should want to spend time with you on your birthday

coodawoodashooda · 10/02/2022 16:26

Honestly i don't know. An amicable arrangement with an ex is priceless.

Thehop · 10/02/2022 16:26

YANBU at all

BuritoCat · 10/02/2022 16:27

He should want to spend time with you on your birthday, I'd check and make sure he's told her no.

Anxious153 · 10/02/2022 16:28

I think you are right. It's a special occasion. It's great that you and your DH are flexible when co parenting but it is OK to say no sometimes. Hope you have a great birthday.

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:28

@coodawoodashooda

Honestly i don't know. An amicable arrangement with an ex is priceless.
Surely that involves being able to say no when it doesn't suit you though? Or must we always say yes out of fear she will no longer be amicable?
OP posts:
Evanesco · 10/02/2022 16:32

Surely in order to stay amicable with his ex he can just say "really sorry but we already have plans as it is birthday197's birthday"?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all!

LethargicActress · 10/02/2022 16:32

Are they usually with you EOW? Would you be prepared to swap weekends with the ex if your parents can provide childcare the following weekend? Or would that mean that the DC wouldn’t see their dad for ages?

Bookworm20 · 10/02/2022 16:33

Absolutely fine to be flexible when you have no plans or it won't affect any you already have.

He needs to say no though on this occasion because you do have plans made already. Plans to go out on your birthday!

I think he needs to realise that your birthday night out, child free, trumps his ex going out with her mates! If they have a great flexible relationship around the kids she will totally understand this, surely.

AndAnotherNewOne · 10/02/2022 16:33

He's said yes already, I bet.

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:35

@AndAnotherNewOne

He's said yes already, I bet.
If he has we won't be having the happy "family" birthday he's thinking. I'll be going out with my friends instead and he can sit at home with the kids!
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 10/02/2022 16:36

I'd agree to all go out together if he takes you out alone the following weekend. Then you get two birthday celebrations 🤷‍♀️

Cocomarine · 10/02/2022 16:37

I don’t think celebrating your birthday on your birthday is that big a deal. Even for kids, the big celebration is often the Sat or Sun closest.
In this situation, because a concert is a specific date, personally I’d have no issue at all. Family meal out on the Saturday, with a couples meal firmly planned in soon after.
It’s not for me to say you shouldn’t care about it being your actual birthday - but I don’t see that it’s important myself.
Maybe she could have your kids on Friday night?

Or why not both? His kids with her must be older - if I was grandparent I’d happily sit for the lot. Will your parents do that?

I would fall more on the side of saying no to her request if it was really hard for you to get a child free night. But I’m not getting that vibe? His ex is flexible, so that’s not an issue. Is it that you haven’t prioritised getting a night off together, or that it’s actually difficult?

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:37

@LethargicActress

Are they usually with you EOW? Would you be prepared to swap weekends with the ex if your parents can provide childcare the following weekend? Or would that mean that the DC wouldn’t see their dad for ages?
What do you mean swap weekends? I don't want to ask my parents to babysit the following weekend because that's not when my birthday is!

No it's not EOW, we see them throughout the week too. It's 50:50 but weekends are alternated.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 10/02/2022 16:38

Better still - can his dad come and babysit? All the grandchildren would be his, then!

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:39

No I can't ask my parents to watch DSC as well. That wouldn't be fair on them.

Childfree time is not easy to come by for us hence why this is important!

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:39

@Cocomarine

Better still - can his dad come and babysit? All the grandchildren would be his, then!
His parents aren't involved unfortunately.
OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 10/02/2022 16:40

I agree with @AndAnotherNewOne I suspect he's already agreed.

I'd get a table booked for the 2 of you and forward him the booking see how he reacts...

I do t think it's wrong to say no - however I do think the messing about and no saying no when asked is going to lead to problems. If ex is waiting on his response its not fair on her - or will she assume it's OK as he's not replied and therefore cause problems as a result. He's not being fair on either of you currently.

cheninblanc · 10/02/2022 16:41

Having an amicable relationship with her is also being able to say no when it doesn't fit already made plans. Yanbu

lucythejuicy · 10/02/2022 16:41

Personally I would do your birthday meal the following weekend - it doesn't really matter does it? Alternatively can't your parents watch all the kids. I think going to a concert which is not moveable trumps a dinner for two which is. If it was a big birthday bash it would be different but it's just the two of you ...

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 10/02/2022 16:41

Is be pissed off that he was prioritizing his ex wife's wants over mine. That's crap.

To those saying it doesn't have to be on that date - well that's her birthday and that's the day she's made plans for childcare. Why should she juggle those plans rather than the ex make other arrangements for childcare?

I'd be pretty pissed off with your dh that he is even asking this rather than having told her no, but if he agrees I'd be furious

Pumperthepumper · 10/02/2022 16:42

I’d agree it’s absolutely fine to say no, we’ve got plans. It does sound like he forgot and has already agreed to it through.

SisterRuth · 10/02/2022 16:42

He's already said yes to her. Have fun with your friends on your actual birthday Flowers

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:43

@lucythejuicy

Personally I would do your birthday meal the following weekend - it doesn't really matter does it? Alternatively can't your parents watch all the kids. I think going to a concert which is not moveable trumps a dinner for two which is. If it was a big birthday bash it would be different but it's just the two of you ...
I'm not really following why it should trump it though? It's her weekend at the end of the day and we have plans. I'd never expect her to cancel pre made plans, especially on her birthday, so we can go somewhere on our weekend. We've been flexible lots of times as has she but she's also said no in the past when it doesn't work for her.
OP posts:
Googlecanthelpme · 10/02/2022 16:44

You’re fine to say no, just as if you & DP wanted to swap and you asked Ex and she said “sorry no it’s my bday and I have plans”

And also being someone who gets almost no adult time alone with my partner I would also be slightly annoyed if he backed out of our plans to facilitate his ex having a night out.
You have the kids 50/50, it’s fairly split.
I see no issue in saying no sorry already have plans. Hopefully she has a back up childcare option.

If he refuses to say no then absolutely get yourself out to enjoy your birthday without having to be mum! Oh and when it’s his birthday, make sure to plan him a nice family event where he doesn’t get to actually enjoy any of it because he’s too busy running round after the kids!

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