Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 10 11 12 13 14 15

Original poster

To expect him to say no?

373 replies

Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:24

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night.

My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that.

Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on...

I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time.

DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

OP posts:

saraclara · 12/02/2022 07:55

So two women both have plans for the weekend. Both have children that they're responsible for that weekend

Woman 1 arranges care for her children before she goes ahead with the plan

Woman 2 makes a plan and commits to a booking without arranging childcare first.

Woman 1, her kids and her parents are then expected to ditch their plans to facilitate woman 2's lack of forethought. Why?

Emilyaparis · 12/02/2022 08:04

@MrsBerthaRochester

yabu. His children..ALL his children come before you. Its part of the deal when you get with a man who already has kids. Sorry its inconvenient.

This is SUCH a ridiculous response 🤣 it's more about putting his wife before his ex, not the children before his wife.

MusicByTheLake · 12/02/2022 08:05

yabu. His children..ALL his children come before you. Its part of the deal when you get with a man who already has kids. Sorry its inconvenient.

But they also have a mother, whose weekend it is to have them. When you have children with someone and split, ‘its part of the deal’ that you look after them on your time. The dad and OP have been flexible in the past but can’t be on this occasion, and as it’s not their weekend, they are not obliged to have the children.

It’s so odd that you feel the dad and OP should prioritise the children at times their mum is due to have them.
Would you tell the mum that she must drop all plans to accommodate the dad and OPs plans, if they made plans that didn’t include the children, when they were due to have the children? I would hope not.

Emilyaparis · 12/02/2022 08:12

@saraclara

So two women both have plans for the weekend. Both have children that they're responsible for that weekend

Woman 1 arranges care for her children before she goes ahead with the plan

Woman 2 makes a plan and commits to a booking without arranging childcare first.

Woman 1, her kids and her parents are then expected to ditch their plans to facilitate woman 2's lack of forethought. Why?

I do completely agree with this! I personally would have pushed my plans back to another weekend and told the ex what I was giving up(!!).

However, not everyone would choose to do that, which is completely fair enough as there's no right way. OP has the right to choose either option, as she had the plans first.

VikingLundyMalin · 12/02/2022 08:19

@Mo1911

I've read this thread twice now and I just can't understand for the life of me why you can't just do your birthday another time, it's really no big deal. It seems very petty and selfish not to rearrange to another night so that everyone can keep their plans and be happy. I'm guessing that the kids mum will the thinking similar. A birthday can be celebrated anytime, a concert is a fixed date so should definitely take priority. Goodness knows how the poor children must feel. I hope you make it up to them big time, it's the least you can do.

Everyone isn’t keeping their plans though - the OP for a start.

dontdoubtyourself · 12/02/2022 08:31

If it was a man doing this they would be told it's beneficial to the children to keep to a routine and to stick to schedule. Kids come first. The mum shouldn't really be making plans and asking dad to step in for the weekend she has the kids (assuming fair division of childcare) unless it's a special occasion like a wedding
she should arrange childcare herself with her own partner/ daily/ paid if she needs childcare on her time.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 12/02/2022 08:35

@MrsBerthaRochester

yabu. His children..ALL his children come before you. Its part of the deal when you get with a man who already has kids. Sorry its inconvenient.

Putting the kids first doesn't mean never being allowed to have a child free night once in a while. Their mother can look after them or find a babysitter, it's not like it's an emergency situation.

Mix56 · 12/02/2022 09:06

She needs a baby sitter, its that simple.
Have a good night !

Mellowyellow222 · 12/02/2022 09:19

@MrsBerthaRochester live doesn’t stop when you have children. Your response is ridiculous.

This isn’t about putting the children first. By your argument their mother shooo up of not be going to the concert she should be putting her children first and staying gone to spend her contact time with them.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/02/2022 13:29

@Mo1911

I think the fact that it is the OP’s birthday is a bit of a red herring.

The basics are that the OP and her dh made plans for the weekend, to have a nice meal out, and a night without the kids. They made sure this was not on his weekend to have his kids, and they made arrangements with her parents to have their kids.

The ex wife found a concert she wanted to go to, but it was on her weekend to have the kids, so she needed to sort out childcare. It was perfectly reasonable to ask her ex first, if he and the OP could do the childcare, but it was equally reasonable for him to say ‘No - we’ve already made plans - sorry we can’t help’.

@Mo1911 - you say ‘…so everyone can keep their plans…’ - but this completely ignores the fact that the OP and her dh wouldn’t be able keep their plans - and that they made their plans first, and included making sure of childcare for those plans!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/02/2022 13:33

@MrsBerthaRochester

yabu. His children..ALL his children come before you. Its part of the deal when you get with a man who already has kids. Sorry its inconvenient.

This is simply a ridiculous thing to say, @MrsBerthaRochester.

It completely ignores the fact that couples need to spend some time nurturing their relationship - which is unarguably as good for the children as it is for the parents!

It also ignores the other, perfectly good parent that these children have - I notice you aren’t criticising the ex wife for wanting some time for herself, without HER children!

TurquoiseDragon · 12/02/2022 14:40

@MrsBerthaRochester

yabu. His children..ALL his children come before you. Its part of the deal when you get with a man who already has kids. Sorry its inconvenient.

It's the ex's weekend with her children. So by your own standards, the DSCs mum should not be going to the concert.

In other words, you are being ridiculous.

Ex's mum can sort out babysitting, etc, herself. And she shouldn't have booked tickets without being certain that OP and DH were actually free to babysit. She clearly assumed.

Her concert does not trump the plans of OP and DH, especially when OP went to a lot of trouble to make arrangements for a birthday that actually falls on a Saturday for a rare chldfree night.

It's ok to say "No" sometimes in a healthy co-parenting relationship. And the Ex has said No sometimes, so OP can, too.

Ginger1982 · 12/02/2022 14:52

@MrsBerthaRochester

yabu. His children..ALL his children come before you. Its part of the deal when you get with a man who already has kids. Sorry its inconvenient.

Another load of shite.

MzHz · 12/02/2022 14:53

I come first with my H. His kids aren’t little which makes a difference.

We have to put ourselves at the top of the list at times, even over our own kids, they need to learn how to put others first and they won’t be able to do that if they don’t see that a life as a parent/partner means that you matter.

Priorities shift, at times he’ll focus on them when they need it, but our day to day is about us first and foremost

MusicByTheLake · 12/02/2022 15:26

I come first with my H.

I hate that, even if it was he puts the kids first, I see no need to to have an order of importance between parents and kids. Just get on with life and whoever needs something, wants something, just sort it as you go along.

MzHz · 12/02/2022 15:35

And of course that’s how it works, but I know I’m important and that I count, I matter and my word is heard

Far too many times that’s not the case and the SM comes last, had no say, the kids get everything they want their way all the time

It’s about balance.

My h kids don’t need him in the same way as a small kid would. So he’s able to focus on us and the family group we have.

At the end of the day, the kids grow up, then what? If you’ve not cultivated your relationship, they’ll be nothing there for you when it’s just you and him.

MusicByTheLake · 12/02/2022 15:44

It’s about balance.

Exactly. So no need for anyone to declare they come first.

MzHz · 12/02/2022 16:22

Or indeed anyone to declare that they DONT…

HereticFanjo · 12/02/2022 18:48

@MrsBerthaRochester

yabu. His children..ALL his children come before you. Its part of the deal when you get with a man who already has kids. Sorry its inconvenient.

Don't be silly 🤦‍♀️🙄

MusicByTheLake · 12/02/2022 20:04

Or indeed anyone to declare that they DONT…

I was responding to you. And I didn’t actually declare that. Different family members will be prioritised at different times depending on what’s happening, but nobody could or should ever say ‘i come first with x’ in my opinion, in a well functioning family.

MzHz · 12/02/2022 22:00

Moot point

PainterMummy · 13/02/2022 10:59

Good do to you OP for sticking to your guns. The Ex attendance at a concert does not trump your birthday plans. There is absolutely no problem or issue wanting to go out with your DH on your birthday. It is not selfish wanting to do that nor for sticking with your plans already discussed prior to ex asking to swap days. And no. you should not have to ask your parents to babysit step children. How bizarre anyone should be asking/suggesting you do this.

What I would suggest is whenever you may be happening to chat to the ex (so as not making a special pint about it) just to mention that you’re sorry you both couldn’t swap nights with the DSC that night but it was your birthday, you had plans and organised child care for the little ones that couldn’t accommodate all 4 children. This way, she can’t argue that her concert was more important than your birthday as otherwise she comes across as the selfish one e ie ting you to drop your plans for her plans.

Victoria319 · 16/02/2022 03:14

I think if you were doing something with your kids and just didnt want the step kids there, that's what would make it unreasonable. But given you'd already been clear about wanting a child free night out and arranging that with your own kids, its perfectly reasonable. Who's pleasure comes first, yours or his ex's? Its not about the kids, its about you and whether he chooses to put your already arranged desires for a child free night out above her last minute ask for baby sitting, which is what it is if he wasnt already in place as care giver that night, he'd be doing her a favour.
Asking him to put you first is not unreasonable at all imho. In fact it shouldnt even be in question.

Flip

1 2 ··· 10 11 12 13 14 15

Swipe left for the next trending thread