Page 14 | To expect him to say no?

Birthday197 · 2022-02-10T16:24:54+00:00

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night. My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that. Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on... I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time. DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

Feeascotime · 11/02/2022 21:10

Yay!!!!! Happy Birthday!!!! Party,party!! 💃💃💃

Fluffmum · 11/02/2022 21:24

Go out with your friends

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/02/2022 21:52

@Mo1911

I've read this thread twice now and I just can't understand for the life of me why you can't just do your birthday another time, it's really no big deal. It seems very petty and selfish not to rearrange to another night so that everyone can keep their plans and be happy. I'm guessing that the kids mum will the thinking similar. A birthday can be celebrated anytime, a concert is a fixed date so should definitely take priority. Goodness knows how the poor children must feel. I hope you make it up to them big time, it's the least you can do.

Are you for real?

gettingolderandgrumpy · 11/02/2022 22:15

@Mo1911

I've read this thread twice now and I just can't understand for the life of me why you can't just do your birthday another time, it's really no big deal. It seems very petty and selfish not to rearrange to another night so that everyone can keep their plans and be happy. I'm guessing that the kids mum will the thinking similar. A birthday can be celebrated anytime, a concert is a fixed date so should definitely take priority. Goodness knows how the poor children must feel. I hope you make it up to them big time, it's the least you can do.

Are you for real she made the plans first and no you can’t do the birthday another day because that’s her actual birthday. The concert does not trump all arrangements because it was arranged after the op made plans for her birthday.

Hmm1234 · 11/02/2022 22:16

Does she know it’s your birthday that weekend?

gettingolderandgrumpy · 11/02/2022 22:16

@Dnaltocs

Just have the entire family. Grow up, your not a child. There are other times you can go out together. There will be an atmosphere if you don’t. It’s unusual to have a decent arrangement with ex partners and this ought to be cherished. You are fortunate to be having a family gathering as covid is still present.

I don’t think it’s the op that needs to grow up based on this comment .

MammaMacgill87 · 11/02/2022 22:43

Adult birthdays are weird, you're literally celebrating the day your mother gave birth, that's it, you an adult can do that any day any time any way you want. I think in this case kids trump's a meal or drinks as with any separted couple you want to see your kids as much as possible. Leave hubby at home with his kids go have a good time with friends and arrange a meal with him another time, it's a complete non issue imo

MammaMacgill87 · 11/02/2022 22:44

Also it's not like ex is being petty she's given over a weeks notice of a possible request dude to an set event, hubby could definitely say no if he wanted 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mellowyellow222 · 11/02/2022 22:49

@MammaMacgill87

Adult birthdays are weird, you're literally celebrating the day your mother gave birth, that's it, you an adult can do that any day any time any way you want. I think in this case kids trump's a meal or drinks as with any separted couple you want to see your kids as much as possible. Leave hubby at home with his kids go have a good time with friends and arrange a meal with him another time, it's a complete non issue imo

This is weird. They have 50% 50% custody.

The dad is missing out on seeing his kids for the benefit of his wife!!!

His ex wife is asking for a a favour do she can go to a concert. They already have plans. So ex wife finds a babysitter. Like anyone normal.

This thread totally baffles me. Do adults on mumsnet really no celebrate their birthdays because they would be spending an evening. Away from their kids?

saraclara · 11/02/2022 22:50

@Mo1911

I've read this thread twice now and I just can't understand for the life of me why you can't just do your birthday another time, it's really no big deal. It seems very petty and selfish not to rearrange to another night so that everyone can keep their plans and be happy. I'm guessing that the kids mum will the thinking similar. A birthday can be celebrated anytime, a concert is a fixed date so should definitely take priority. Goodness knows how the poor children must feel. I hope you make it up to them big time, it's the least you can do.

OP has made arrangements. Her children are expecting a sleepover at their grandparents. The grandparents will have made arrangements, possibly even turned down other invitations, to be available to have their DGCs. Maybe they're not available to have them the following weekend.

Why should OP, her kids and her parents, have to change their plans for someone they may well have never even met? It's the ex's weekend to have her kids, it's down to her to organise someone to have them if she wants to go out. OP and her DH have been flexible on this in the past, but on this occasion they can't help.

Mellowyellow222 · 11/02/2022 22:50

It is clear on this thread who has an issue with step mums! No normal person would tell someone their birthday is irrelevant

GiftedFish · 11/02/2022 23:02

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want child free time to celebrate your birthday on your birthday. Why should you sacrifice that for the ex on her weekend.
At the end of the day she should have double checked you had no plans and were able to swap before she agreed to go to the concert rather than take it for granted. But to be fair it ones sound like he's already said yes, he's scared to say no or he forgot your birthday.

GiftedFish · 11/02/2022 23:23

Some of the comments on this thread are unbelievable. As the ex asked first - so OP has to ask to spend birthday with her husband before the ex asks about the kids.
First come first serve - just laughable really!!
Husband should check with OP if there are any plans before agreeing to ex on a whim.
OP's birthday is the same day every year, 365 days ago this birthday was coming round again, so what a load of tripe the theory of "first come first serve" is!

GiftedFish · 11/02/2022 23:46

Just read further through thread and saw OP's updates. Glad it's sorted. Enjoy your birthday

Devora13 · 12/02/2022 00:12

Surely she has other people who could sit for her?

NumberTheory · 12/02/2022 00:52

I think in this case kids trump's a meal or drinks as with any separted couple you want to see your kids as much as possible.

Why does this only apply to OP's DH? Surely, if the kids trump, the ex should never book anything when she's supposed to have them? She should make sure she spends every second of the 50% of the time she has them in her care physically with them if she possibly can. Because kids trump and she must want to see her kids as much as possible?.

saraclara · 12/02/2022 00:55

@NumberTheory

I think in this case kids trump's a meal or drinks as with any separted couple you want to see your kids as much as possible.

Why does this only apply to OP's DH? Surely, if the kids trump, the ex should never book anything when she's supposed to have them? She should make sure she spends every second of the 50% of the time she has them in her care physically with them if she possibly can. Because kids trump and she must want to see her kids as much as possible?.

Also OP's kids should trump ex's concert ticket then. Because they have plans which would have to be postponed to accommodate her.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 12/02/2022 00:57

[quote Coyoacan]**@CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo* and @Rona95*, I was being ironic. My criticism for was all the people telling the OP that the mother's concert should trump her birthday.
.[/quote]
You said I'm all for making step-mothers' lives more difficult, but there is a limit which definitely didn't sound ironic. Nor did it refer to the ex's concert plans. Just sounded like yet another dig at step-mothers.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 12/02/2022 01:07

@Mo1911

I've read this thread twice now and I just can't understand for the life of me why you can't just do your birthday another time, it's really no big deal. It seems very petty and selfish not to rearrange to another night so that everyone can keep their plans and be happy. I'm guessing that the kids mum will the thinking similar. A birthday can be celebrated anytime, a concert is a fixed date so should definitely take priority. Goodness knows how the poor children must feel. I hope you make it up to them big time, it's the least you can do.

Seriously, you've read this twice? Well read it again until you understand it properly.

MrsBerthaRochester · 12/02/2022 01:10

yabu. His children..ALL his children come before you. Its part of the deal when you get with a man who already has kids. Sorry its inconvenient.

saraclara · 12/02/2022 01:14

@MrsBerthaRochester

yabu. His children..ALL his children come before you. Its part of the deal when you get with a man who already has kids. Sorry its inconvenient.

The ex's children presumably come before her then.

NumberTheory · 12/02/2022 01:52

@MrsBerthaRochester

yabu. His children..ALL his children come before you. Its part of the deal when you get with a man who already has kids. Sorry its inconvenient.

But the children aren't asking to come. Giving up her meal plans does nothing for the children. The only person being put first if OP did that would be the Ex. OP's children and her step children get plans messed about on them, all for the Ex's benefit.

I think the idea that children must come first in all things at everyone else's expense is, frankly, nuts and pretty damaging for everyone involved. But if you're going to follow that logic, there is no way the Ex should be going out to a concert instead of staying home with her children on the weekend she's supposed to have them.

HootOwl · 12/02/2022 02:47

@T00Ts

I can’t believe posters on here. How in the name of fuck does the ex’s concert ‘trump’ the OP’s birthday plans when it’s the ex’s weekend to have the kids anyway?! Just how?!

Some of you are bonkers. Like the OP said, an amicable relationship with an ex does not mean doing whatever they want for fear of reprisals.

Totally agree. People appear to have lost the plot with these responses.

JustLyra · 12/02/2022 07:04

@MammaMacgill87

Also it's not like ex is being petty she's given over a weeks notice of a possible request dude to an set event, hubby could definitely say no if he wanted 🤷🏻‍♀️

Given that it is a set event a weeks notice is daftly late and assumptive.

Which is presumably why she understood the OP’s DH saying no…

TicTacHoh · 12/02/2022 07:07

@MrsBerthaRochester

yabu. His children..ALL his children come before you. Its part of the deal when you get with a man who already has kids. Sorry its inconvenient.

You win wicked stepmother bingo, well done.