Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to say no?

373 replies

Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:24

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night.

My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that.

Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on...

I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time.

DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 10/02/2022 16:44

He could always hire a babysitter for the evening. Even say yes that's fine but it's X's birthday and we have booked something so I'll arrange a babysitter.
If I was the ex I'd say fair enough, actually I'll hire a babysitter for here, save the messing about.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/02/2022 16:45

Absolutely stick to your guns OP! I’m divorced and sometimes swap and change but no one is obliged to do so if they have prior plans.

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:45

Alternatively can't your parents watch all the kids

No it wouldn't be fair to ask them to do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:46

@IncompleteSenten

He could always hire a babysitter for the evening. Even say yes that's fine but it's X's birthday and we have booked something so I'll arrange a babysitter. If I was the ex I'd say fair enough, actually I'll hire a babysitter for here, save the messing about.
Surely she should be sorting the babysitter if anyone is? Ideally I don't want any kids here when we come home! 🤣
OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 10/02/2022 16:47

@IncompleteSenten

He could always hire a babysitter for the evening. Even say yes that's fine but it's X's birthday and we have booked something so I'll arrange a babysitter. If I was the ex I'd say fair enough, actually I'll hire a babysitter for here, save the messing about.
Why would he do that??? It's not his weekend to have the children and he has plans! Why wouldn't he just say no and leave her to the expense and hassle of organising a babysitter if the night out is that important?

I think sometimes I live in a parallel universe although at least this suggestion isn't about the women having to sort it all out...

girlmom21 · 10/02/2022 16:47

@Birthday197

Alternatively can't your parents watch all the kids

No it wouldn't be fair to ask them to do this.

How old are all the kids?

When my parents split my maternal grandparents offered to take my new step moms daughter on a day out with us so she didn't miss out. She and I were both only 5 so probably a bit of a handful. She wasn't even their family. These kids are yours.

I get that all families are different but it just seems strange to me.

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:50

How old are all the kids?

1, 3, 9 and 11.

I can't expect my parents to have all 4 kids. They don't even know DSC that well.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 10/02/2022 16:51

An amicable arrangement with an ex is priceless

I see the point of that @coodawoodashooda but it seems very hard on OP if the arrangement is only amicable because any request from ex is given priority over @Birthday197

Especially on her birthday, isn't that the very time to say, sorry, no that doesn't work for us?

It's not as if it is something really urgent, the ex just has a chance to go out with friends. Surely that doesn't trump an already arranged birthday treat.

Or is the OP just expected to come lower down the priority list below everyone else?

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:51

And I certainly am not going to expect my parents to have 4 children for the night so my husband's ex can go out when it's her weekend. I don't mind us being flexible when it suits but I'm not dragging my parents into it. It's too much to expect of them imo.

OP posts:
T00Ts · 10/02/2022 16:51

I can’t believe posters on here. How in the name of fuck does the ex’s concert ‘trump’ the OP’s birthday plans when it’s the ex’s weekend to have the kids anyway?! Just how?!

Some of you are bonkers. Like the OP said, an amicable relationship with an ex does not mean doing whatever they want for fear of reprisals.

FinallyHere · 10/02/2022 16:51

Absolutely arrange something else if he does go ahead and have the kids.

That will be great 1:1 time for him.

Hope your birthday works out.

MissMaple82 · 10/02/2022 16:52

I'm on the fence, but thats because I think once you get to a certain age birthday's are not important.

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:53

@MissMaple82

I'm on the fence, but thats because I think once you get to a certain age birthday's are not important.
And once you're a parent you can't always go out when you want to either 🤷‍♀️
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 10/02/2022 16:53

@Birthday197

And I certainly am not going to expect my parents to have 4 children for the night so my husband's ex can go out when it's her weekend. I don't mind us being flexible when it suits but I'm not dragging my parents into it. It's too much to expect of them imo.
To be fair I think you're right in hindsight. It's her weekend. You already made plans. You already arrange childcare for your own children.

He wants to change plans because his ex can't arrange childcare for her own children. He hasn't had to do anything for your birthday and still wants to inconvenience you.

DirtyDancing · 10/02/2022 16:54

Why does she get to go out and you don't.. and it's your birthday!

Sure if it's amicable then when DH sorry we can't it's OPs birthday she will understand.

ohhooh · 10/02/2022 16:55

Pfffft, her weekend - her issue!! She can sort her own childcare out, your DP needs to strap his big boy pants on and say no.

It's not your issue - she knew her weekends when she wanted to go to the concert surely? I'm sure she has friends / family / a babysitter who can cover. If not tough titties.

It's your birthday, of course it matters what day you go on! You've arranged childcare for your children to have a nice meal out with your DP, she can do the same.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you OP!

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:57

Tbf I don't even think she'd be that bothered if he said no. It's not the fact she's asked that's bothered me.

It's DH talking about "oh but wouldn't it be nice to have a family birthday". No. No it wouldn't! I would like an adult birthday, time alone, a drink and a good night's sleep! Ha.

I've already made sure our DC are elsewhere. If it had been our weekend with DSC I'd have arranged it for another time but it isn't supposed to be.

OP posts:
Theredtoyphone · 10/02/2022 16:57

I fear like others have said that he’s already agreed to have them.. so enjoy a night out with your friends! Maybe even book a hotel..

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:58

@Theredtoyphone

I fear like others have said that he’s already agreed to have them.. so enjoy a night out with your friends! Maybe even book a hotel..
Yes if he has I'll be staying out for sure!
OP posts:
pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 10/02/2022 16:58

You need to find out what he's agreed to.

If he has agreed to swap weekends with his ex, you can relieve your parents of their baby-sitting duties and he can have all 4 while you go out and celebrate your birthday with your mates🎂🥂

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:59

@pussycatunpickingcrossesagain

You need to find out what he's agreed to.

If he has agreed to swap weekends with his ex, you can relieve your parents of their baby-sitting duties and he can have all 4 while you go out and celebrate your birthday with your mates🎂🥂

Haha that's a good idea.
OP posts:
cushioncovers · 10/02/2022 16:59

He's already said yes. And it's easier to piss you off than it is her by the sounds of it. So unless it was his weekend to have them then yanbu. It's your birthday you have arranged child care for your children so you should be able to go out. He needs to say no to the ex.

MandyCarter · 10/02/2022 17:00

@lucythejuicy

Personally I would do your birthday meal the following weekend - it doesn't really matter does it? Alternatively can't your parents watch all the kids. I think going to a concert which is not moveable trumps a dinner for two which is. If it was a big birthday bash it would be different but it's just the two of you ...
Eh?, it clearly does matter hence the post 🙄 plans have already been made and why should 4 people change their plans and her parents babysit extra children because 1 person wants to go to a concert at the last minute He needs to say no and he can't change his plans this time
Ratherdogsthanpeople · 10/02/2022 17:01

It doesn’t matter what we think really. If it’s important to you, and you think it’s important for your relationship, well then it should be important to your partner. He should take you out, as you’ve already arranged.

ILikeItLikeThat21 · 10/02/2022 17:02

Why can't her parents watch the kids? You shouldn't have to miss out on a birthday meal on your birthday when the weekend it so happens to be your birthday is the weekend you don't have step kids over.