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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to say no?

373 replies

Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:24

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night.

My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that.

Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on...

I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time.

DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

OP posts:
ShavingTheBadger · 10/02/2022 17:02

It happened to us the first year I was with him - he agreed to swap without checking I was happy with the change. I don’t even have kids but I was unhappy and didn’t want to set a precedent. I’d been looking forward to it for weeks, so I went away for the weekend on my own and had a really lovely time. It’s not happened since. The new rule when they want to go out on a custody weekend is that they get a babysitter.

Jvg33 · 10/02/2022 17:02

Maybe your partner is one of those people who doesn't like saying no to people. I would like someone else said just tell him you have booked a table just for the two of you and see what he says. No point any of us bashing the ex because we don't know yet if he has even said no to her yet.

MandUs · 10/02/2022 17:02

I'm usually anti SM as there are a lot of them around that don't seem to grasp the sacrifices required when getting together with a man who already has children.

However, you are totally reasonable though. You are expecting a date night with your husband on your birthday when you aren't due to have your DSC and have made arrangements for your own DC. No way does a random short notice concert his ex wants to attend trump this.

It's her job to simply find alternative childcare for her children. At those ages, a sleepover with friends or similar.

FortVictoria · 10/02/2022 17:03

I’m not sure why so many posters are encouraging you to change the weekend. It’s your birthday, you’ve made appropriate childcare arrangements, you should be able to enjoy it! It’s great to have an amicable arrangement and to swap weekends when it suits all parties, but this doesn’t work for you. I hope your DH does the right thing. Wishing you a happy birthday in advance Flowers

Dontbeme · 10/02/2022 17:04

Agree with the suggestion he has all four kids, you have a night out with friends and either crash at a child free house for the night or book a room somewhere and enjoy a late breakfast the next day. I wouldn't be hurrying back to help with child care the next day. Have a lovely birthday OP.

2bazookas · 10/02/2022 17:04

DH needs to put you first.

Because you are his wife and he had already got a date with you.
Because your arrangement with babysitters, was made before Exs request
Because Ex is no longer his wife

Tulipomania · 10/02/2022 17:04

Just be flexible.

It's not a milestone birthday and you hadn't already booked anywhere - you can just do it another night.

Have the family-style birthday this weekend and your adult date night next weekend. That way you get 2 celebrations for the price of one!

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 17:05

@ILikeItLikeThat21

Why can't her parents watch the kids? You shouldn't have to miss out on a birthday meal on your birthday when the weekend it so happens to be your birthday is the weekend you don't have step kids over.
Her Mum has been unwell recently so I'm assuming she can't at the moment. I don't really know though.
OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 10/02/2022 17:05

Yeah probably.

Gizacluethen · 10/02/2022 17:05

I don't think YABU unreasonable at all. I don't get this mumsnet martyring thinking that you can't possibly put any important on YOUR birthday. Obviously the exes night out should be far more important than your night out 🤨

If he agrees to look after DSC then you need to tell your parents they don't need to have your kids. No point wasting a babysitting when there's there's parent home and they'll probably feel like their night was wasted anyway.

He can have his so desired "family birthday " without you and you go out.

But no he should have just replied "sorry its DWs birthday, we're going out."

Jvg33 · 10/02/2022 17:05

DH is defo the issue here. He isn't that bothered about treating you is he? If you end up going with friends op, make sure he gets a 'family birthday'

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 10/02/2022 17:06

@MissMaple82

I'm on the fence, but thats because I think once you get to a certain age birthday's are not important.
Give over misery guts, of course birthdays are important!

Are you going to tell your kids "sorry kids, you are 31 now, that's the end of me giving a shit if it's your birthday or not!"

OP DO NOT BACK DOWN ON THIS!!

username48582 · 10/02/2022 17:07

I agree with you OP. You have plans as it's your birthday also. Your DP not getting back to her will make it look like he is thinking of an excuse.

ILikeItLikeThat21 · 10/02/2022 17:07

@Birthday197 well yhat isn't your issue. I hope your husband does the right thing. Xx

TatianaBis · 10/02/2022 17:10

Presumably she has other options given that you’re busy? Her own parents, babysitters etc.

2022sucksalready · 10/02/2022 17:11

Nope sorry, why are his ex wife’s plans more important than his current wife’s birthday??

TatianaBis · 10/02/2022 17:11

@Dontbeme

Agree with the suggestion he has all four kids, you have a night out with friends and either crash at a child free house for the night or book a room somewhere and enjoy a late breakfast the next day. I wouldn't be hurrying back to help with child care the next day. Have a lovely birthday OP.
Good plan.
MandUs · 10/02/2022 17:12

Why should the OP go out with friends instead though? If that's what she wanted she would have organised it to begin with.

She wants a rare date night with her husband! On her birthday. Nothing wrong with that!

Sally872 · 10/02/2022 17:12

You sound very reasonable and great you all swap when it suits but also very acceptable to say no when it doesn't suit.

He should tell her no and if he doesn't I would also go out with friends.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 10/02/2022 17:14

@Tulipomania

Just be flexible.

It's not a milestone birthday and you hadn't already booked anywhere - you can just do it another night.

Have the family-style birthday this weekend and your adult date night next weekend. That way you get 2 celebrations for the price of one!

Why? It's her birthday, arrangements were already made, and the ex should be told sorry, can't do that, then get a sitter for her children. Not OP's problem to sort or accommodate!
Dixiechickonhols · 10/02/2022 17:14

I think problem is he’s not immediately said sorry no it’s op’s birthday and we are out and 2 children are at grandmas.
That would be fine. I suspect he’s forgotten birthday and said yes.

BluebellsGreenbells · 10/02/2022 17:15

I think he’s going to be in big trouble here! He clearly forgot your plans until he’s already agreed and is now back tracking saying a family meal would be a good idea.

I’d have to ask him directly.

Ionlydomassiveones · 10/02/2022 17:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

5foot5 · 10/02/2022 17:17

@pussycatunpickingcrossesagain

You need to find out what he's agreed to.

If he has agreed to swap weekends with his ex, you can relieve your parents of their baby-sitting duties and he can have all 4 while you go out and celebrate your birthday with your mates🎂🥂

Yes, this. And arrange to spend the night with your friends too so he can look after all 4 all night.

When the ex rang to ask, your DHs immediate response should have been "Sorry we have plans that weekend"

The fact it wasn't means either:
a. He had forgotten until you reminded him
b. He instinctively puts his ex requests first
c. He doesn't think your birthday is a big deal and hoped you would be accommodating.

If he has already said yes to her then he is BU by just expecting you to suck it up.

If he hasn't and is prevarication he is also BU because she needs to know for her plans and also what is the betting that if he does now turn round and tell her no he pins the blame on you and makes it sound like you are having a strop.

All in all it is a poor show from your DH

Overandout1 · 10/02/2022 17:19

Of course you're not unreasonable and I've no idea why others are saying you should rearrange your plans!
It's the children's weekend with mum. Why should you cancel your birthday plans so she can go out when it's her weekend with the kids? It makes no sense at all.