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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to say no?

373 replies

Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:24

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night.

My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that.

Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on...

I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time.

DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

OP posts:
DPotter · 10/02/2022 17:21

An amicable arrangement with an ex is priceless.

As is am amicable relationship with one's current spouse.

Sadly I'm with others - your DH has already said "Yes, that should be fine", as he forgot your birthday. Another vote for the go out with friends, stay out over night-return after late breakfast, having cancelled your parents babysitting, so he has all 4 children. He's unlikely to repeat the failing.

XmasElf10 · 10/02/2022 17:21

YANBU - he can say no occasionally. Why should his exes plans trump yours.. I say this as someone with an amicable co-parenting relationship. We both only agree to changes if it doesn’t inconvenience us.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/02/2022 17:22

@coodawoodashooda

Honestly i don't know. An amicable arrangement with an ex is priceless.
Saying no one time because you have plans shouldn't disrupt that and if it does it's not really amicable at all is it?
NEUserNamesNotTakenJeez · 10/02/2022 17:24

Totally understand and he should respect that you mentioned it earlier and should have told her straight away it's a sorry but no. You're usually accepting of chopping and changing so he should step up to have quality time just this one day of the year imo. The ex had only been invited so hadn't accepted the invite yet, you two had already made plans, you're priority this time.

Chloemol · 10/02/2022 17:25

Yes it’s ok for you to say no you don’t want them, it’s a birthday, so the ex can give up her night out this time

However be prepared if they do suddenly arrive!

NEUserNamesNotTakenJeez · 10/02/2022 17:25

@Overandout1

Of course you're not unreasonable and I've no idea why others are saying you should rearrange your plans! It's the children's weekend with mum. Why should you cancel your birthday plans so she can go out when it's her weekend with the kids? It makes no sense at all.
Agree entirely.
HyacynthBucket · 10/02/2022 17:26

Echohing OverandOut1
Of course YANBU. Why on earth can your DH not say to his ex that it is your birthday and you have plans to go out to dinner that night? It will almost certainly trump her reason for wanting that night, so what is the problem. It is strange that having arranged with you to go out on your birthday, he is willing to put her plans ahead of yours. He can be polite but firm about it and tell her no. It is just not up for negotiation this time. he should be prioritising you. Happy Birthday for Saturday. Hope you have a good time out with DH. Flowers

ImALittlePea · 10/02/2022 17:26

"Sorry, no can do, we already have plans"

harriethoyle · 10/02/2022 17:27

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. He really shouldn't prioritise his ex's convenience over your birthday. I really hope he hasn't already said yes but I suspect he might have...

diddl · 10/02/2022 17:27

@ImALittlePea

"Sorry, no can do, we already have plans"
Seems obvious enough doesn't it?

And the ex can find childcare or not & so can go or not!

Embracelife · 10/02/2022 17:28

Dh finds a baby sitter who will watch all 4

PoshPyjamas · 10/02/2022 17:29

What, so he thought you might prefer a night out with all the kids, that you could have literally any other time? Err... no thanks!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/02/2022 17:29

YANBU. I'm the ex in this situation and if my ex husband already had plans I'd be fine with it.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 10/02/2022 17:29

@coodawoodashooda

Honestly i don't know. An amicable arrangement with an ex is priceless.
I'd that amicable relationship only happens because he always has to say yes, then it isnt amicable. An amicable relationship means he can say, "we're actually out that night for X's birthday. I'll ask my parents if they can have the kids, maybe you can ask yours too."
Kjr33 · 10/02/2022 17:30

Nah sorry I’d rearrange the birthday plans. Time with the kids is more important, it doesn’t even matter what the ex has planned I wouldn’t stop my oh having extra time with his kids.

Pawprintpaper · 10/02/2022 17:30

@Dixiechickonhols

I think problem is he’s not immediately said sorry no it’s op’s birthday and we are out and 2 children are at grandmas. That would be fine. I suspect he’s forgotten birthday and said yes.
This
JustLyra · 10/02/2022 17:31

The birthday bit is a red herring

You have plans and have arranged a babysitter for your kids.

If it was an emergency she had fair enough, but it’s not. Her plans don’t trump yours.

Like PP’s though I bet the issue is that your DH said yes and forgot your plans

diddl · 10/02/2022 17:31

@Embracelife

Dh finds a baby sitter who will watch all 4
Why?
PoshPyjamas · 10/02/2022 17:31

Time with the kids is more important

Nope. Not always. Not when they have them 50% of the time.

blyn72 · 10/02/2022 17:31

I think as ex asked first, you could maybe go out for your meal on the Friday or the Sunday. If she has had concert tickets booked for her and cannot find anyone else to look after the children, it would be shame to waste them whereas you can have a meal any time.

That's just a suggestion and I won't be offended if you ignore but I could say, first come first served.

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 17:32

@Kjr33

Nah sorry I’d rearrange the birthday plans. Time with the kids is more important, it doesn’t even matter what the ex has planned I wouldn’t stop my oh having extra time with his kids.
But not for her? 🤣
OP posts:
RachelGreeneGreep · 10/02/2022 17:32

YANBU, OP.

HaggisBurger · 10/02/2022 17:32

@coodawoodashooda

Honestly i don't know. An amicable arrangement with an ex is priceless.
I don’t think it needs to be unamicable at all to say - ordinarily yes - always happy to help out and have the kids (as you do for me) but I’ve got birthday plans with DW on saturday so can’t this time.

Easy.

ohhooh · 10/02/2022 17:32

@Kjr33

Nah sorry I’d rearrange the birthday plans. Time with the kids is more important, it doesn’t even matter what the ex has planned I wouldn’t stop my oh having extra time with his kids.
If time with the kids is more important, surely their mum should cancel her weekend plans to spend the evening with them? 🤔
SleepingStandingUp · 10/02/2022 17:33

And has plans, he has plans, so she needs to find a different answer