Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to say no?

373 replies

Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:24

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night.

My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that.

Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on...

I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time.

DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 10/02/2022 18:00

Nope your in the right. Your birthday can’t be moved. You have arranged baby sitters so his ex will have to do the same.

Have a lovely birthday

Notwithittoday · 10/02/2022 18:00

I’d be pissed off. Sometimes it’s important to show your partner they are important! You certainly should be more important than inconveniencing his ex

LondonJax · 10/02/2022 18:01

YANBU OP. I know, supposedly, birthday weekend plans can be changed to another day. I know that concerts take place at that time so, in theory, they 'trump' birthday plans.

But, if she had asked grandparents and they couldn't do it because they were away what would have happened? She wouldn't be going would she.

So, your birthday weekend plans are exactly that. Plans that happen to coincide with her hopes so she can't go.

If you end up changing to another day, you have to start all over again with your parents. Whereas she just has to say no to her friends invitation. You're more likely to be put out, as are your parents so stick to your guns.

WheresYourSnickers · 10/02/2022 18:01

I can't believe the amount of people in here saying you should 1) rearrange your night out plans 2) get your parents to babysit DSC 3) organise a babysitter for DSC, so because ExW wants to change who has them for the weekend??????
You have plans, it's your birthday, sorry but No!
What has happened to the standard MN response No, is a complete sentence? 🙄

TheSoapyFrog · 10/02/2022 18:02

YANBU, all he has to do is tell her he can't because he already has plans. It's not even for the kids' benefit, it's for hers. If he agrees, then he's putting her wants above yours, and I would be furious, especially as it would be your birthday

SilverDoe · 10/02/2022 18:03

I think it's super unfair of him to ruin your child free birthday plans over something easily avoidable.

If your kids were going and your step kids weren't that could be different. But jesus, I'm a mum of 3 young kids and never get a moment to myself or go out anymore, if I could have a romantic date with DP and he invited anyone else I'd tell him exactly how I felt about it.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 10/02/2022 18:03

No, if the ex gets to say no to changes when it doesn't work for her, then fair's fair, so do you. Make this clear to your husband. It's her weekend, I can see why she asked you first, but since you have plans it's now on her to get someone else to babysit.

Ask your husband if he'd expect her to change her own birthday plans and babysit for you if you got the offer of a night out? That shows how daft it is.

FinallyHere · 10/02/2022 18:05

Maybe your partner is one of those people who doesn't like saying no to people

Then isn't it odd that he seems to have no trouble saying no to his DP

MzHz · 10/02/2022 18:06

@IncompleteSenten

He could always hire a babysitter for the evening. Even say yes that's fine but it's X's birthday and we have booked something so I'll arrange a babysitter. If I was the ex I'd say fair enough, actually I'll hire a babysitter for here, save the messing about.
Exactly this! He can get a bloody sitter!
AlexaShutUp · 10/02/2022 18:07

I would be quite happy to go out as a family in your situation, or else I would postpone the meal out to the following weekend. I'm not at all precious about birthdays and I have never had a desperate need for childfree time in any case.

That's irrelevant though because it isn't what you want to do, and you had already made plans that you don't want to change. Under the circumstances, I don't think it's at all unreasonable to say no to the ex. It would be different if she had to go into hospital or something, but why should her leisure plans trump yours?

MargosKaftan · 10/02/2022 18:13

You need to mention to DH that the longer he takes to tell his ex "sorry no, we have plans", the less likely it is that she'll be able to make other childcare arrangements and it would be really unfair of him to make her miss the concert by leaving her no time to sort alternative childcare.

If he doesn't want to say no, he needs to explain to you why he thinks its more important his ex gets a childfree night out on your birthday than you.

TiredMamaBear · 10/02/2022 18:13

It's your birthday and you made plans. That's it, end of story. He's a bit of an idiot tbh. Tell your folks they don't have to babysit anymore and plan a night out with your friends. Hubby can look after all the kids! Also I don't get how some people on here say your birthday doesn't matter! Of course it does!! Have an awesome birthday!!! 🎂🥂🍾

MrsTrumpton · 10/02/2022 18:15

I find it baffling people are suggesting the ex's night out should trump your birthday dinner when it's actually her contact weekend! Your DH needs to tell her no, he can't do her a favour this once, and she needs to arrange a babysitter for herself.

FinallyHere · 10/02/2022 18:16

I honestly think that how a birthday should be celebrated is completely irrelevant here

OP had arranged a treat, for a long-standing purpose, with entirely reasonable childcare in place,

Out of the blue, the 'ex' has the opportunity to do something to asked whether 'they' are free to swap weekends.

The obvious answer is no, we have plans, we are not free.

At that point, you might consider the relative priorities. A medical emergency or other last minute issue which really can't be rearranged is probably a good reason to be extra accommodating.

One social event doesn't trump an existing arrangement. OP's DP is foolish to prioritise his ex's last minute chance of an outing over the existing arrangement with his current partner

MadeForThis · 10/02/2022 18:19

I would guess that he immediately texted back "no problem"

BurntO · 10/02/2022 18:22

YANBU at all. But I think he’s already agreed. Can you go out with anyone else if so?

cherish123 · 10/02/2022 18:23

Not sure. Can see both sides.

OohRahhMaki · 10/02/2022 18:24

What a sad state of affairs that you can't even have a nice birthday out just the two of you!

I think I'd be a tad hurt if my partner put doing his ex a favour over spending some rare alone time with my on my birthday... he needs to get his priorities straight.

Midlifemusings · 10/02/2022 18:24

When you only have your kids part time, getting more time with your kids is a bonus. It isn't the same as getting a break from the kids you have with you 24/7.

Most part time parents would take an extra weekend if offered it.

While I understand OP wanting a child free weekend, I think if this was a mom wanting more time with her kids and it was step dad saying nope, its my birthday - I don't want your kids around - the responses would be different.

Dontbeme · 10/02/2022 18:27

What has happened to the standard MN response No, is a complete sentence?

OP is a stepmother so she's in the wrong for existing/marrying this bloke/she knew he had kids so what did she expect/someone will be along soon to ask if she was the ow.

Either DH has told ex yes to having the kids on birthday weekend or he will dither long enough to mess up her and OP's plans and everyone will be annoyed. I would tell him it's fine have the DC (all four of them) plan an evening with mates, book a room and the next day have late breakfast or a lunch, then go home. I would be watching to see if he tried to make out to ex that you're being difficult, he would do it but you said no. It will be interesting to see who he's willing to disappoint and who he will keep happy.

Hawkins001 · 10/02/2022 18:28

All the best op

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 10/02/2022 18:29

@Midlifemusings

When you only have your kids part time, getting more time with your kids is a bonus. It isn't the same as getting a break from the kids you have with you 24/7.

Most part time parents would take an extra weekend if offered it.

While I understand OP wanting a child free weekend, I think if this was a mom wanting more time with her kids and it was step dad saying nope, its my birthday - I don't want your kids around - the responses would be different.

Doesn't seem to bother the kids mum who also only has them part time.
Funkyslippers · 10/02/2022 18:29

ohhooh I agree, especially as it's her weekend to have them

BoredZelda · 10/02/2022 18:31

Do we know if this is even actually a problem yet? I can’t imagine I’d have gone the day without checking what my husband was planning to do.

harriethoyle · 10/02/2022 18:32

@Midlifemusings

When you only have your kids part time, getting more time with your kids is a bonus. It isn't the same as getting a break from the kids you have with you 24/7.

Most part time parents would take an extra weekend if offered it.

While I understand OP wanting a child free weekend, I think if this was a mom wanting more time with her kids and it was step dad saying nope, its my birthday - I don't want your kids around - the responses would be different.

Not according to their mother who has them as much/little as their father 🙄
Swipe left for the next trending thread